Sun's down.

And I've chilled out a little. I ran my 7 miles. And I did yoga, at home. I'm not sure what compelled me to do these things but- oh yes- because I HAVE to tire my limbs out or I'm tossing and turning painfully at night. I barely slept 2 hours last night.

I don't know what's wrong with me. These chemical ups and downs. Everything seems hopeless and sad and impossible. I know it isn't. I know it's just a feeling make it seem that way. But what isn't just a feeling is the loneliness. I am so utterly alone.

Vinnie called me just now probably wants me to work and I won't because I don't need to and I'll lose my mind if I don't sleep and catch up on school. But yeah. Nobody calls anymore. Not just to hear your voice. I'm crying so bad. It's so bad out here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Rebel, Rebel

I'm such a rebel. I think sometimes when things get too hectic I rebel by spending an entire day in bed, on and off sleeping, eating, and watching TV. That's what I did today. I know I'm always late on these things, but I love "House." Hugh Laurie, hel-lo, woot.

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

Ceci N'est Pas Un Blog

I am not blogging right now. I am so f'in' tired (I know--Wolf! Wolf, wolf wolf!) that I'm grossed out by the computer and the lamp; I've finally exhausted myself to the point where I can just Go To Sleep, for f's sake, and Madeline's acting like a lunatic and it's so irritating I'm feeling like a lunatic myself. I still had to laugh though, she was autistically scratching at a paper bag and dashing back and forth to finally end up suspended pretty much upside down from the couch. One of my neighbors I never spoke to before stopped me walking out and got me a booking at this swanky place downtown, he's been hearing me play, I had no idea I was audible, for some reason... of course I am. I figured it was a load of crap because he told me I should sing for this, and that, and commercials, so I could make money?? and I was like, well yeah, but... that's kind of hard to get into... and I don't know any of those people. But I gave him a CD and met the manager (who I've heard of a bunch and awesome) and have one coming up, and I'm actually gonna ask J if there's something I can take because I never get stagefright but I think I'll be so nervous I choke. Quite in contrast with the other neighbor. Never dealt with that.

I had a date with Julian today (joke, I'm not actually insane yet ), and it was amazing. I am, not to be mundane, madly in love with him. GOD-DAMN am I in love with him. He got out these comic strips people have cut out for him (patients? I got jealous, just now. Why didn't I think of that?? That's cute and unassuming. But no, too forward for me. I can't make a move yet. God I sound like an ass...) when I was telling him Madeline was being a nightmare lately and he said he thought of me, and, oh man, I'm starting to cry now, what is wrong with me, je-sus. Jesus. And I'm blogging. I have to cut it out.

Love and lunacy,

Scarlet O'Dreamtime

Goal for the Day:

So, Sleepless Scarlet is up at it again, or rather still up, though I tried to rest for an hour, in the yoga position that Julian "put me into" the other day, btw, during those 5 minutes in his office when I came in at the wrong time, by asking me to lie down a certain way and close my eyes, and gingerly sliding a pillow under one knee without touching me at all-- "pick up your knee," and he slid the pillow under, and then handed me the other one, and "now put this one under your other knee..." My eyes closed the whole time. Steamy stuff. :-/

Which brings me to today's goal. Which serves multiple goals really, and is not just a manipulation, though in many ways it could seem like such... I want to TOUCH J. I want to ask him if I can touch his hand. Because:
A) I want to TOUCH J. ...and...
B) I want to see if I can read him at all... because
1) I actually AM kinda psychic, maybe, not like big-time but in a parlor-trick psychic way and sure he'll never believe that and neither will you or even I sometimes, but I do get senses about people, intuition maybe, maybe just more intense when I touch them because I'm reading body language or whatever, but when I touch people I do get sort of flashes of things, that just pop into my head... I started noticing it more recently working at the club because I touch so many goddamn people, and I can just see things, like their strengths, their mood, things about their background, what's on their mind... It sounds hokey but I'm good to the point where people call me psychic at the club all the time, customers, and they'll challenge me, and I'm right an awful lot of the time... but whatever it is, I want to read J, psychically, and then, more carnie-style gypsy psychic-style, so,
2) I can read his reactions to things I say. Like, if I feel something, and say I feel it, his response will be telling in and of itself. Now, this is basic gypsy trickery, and I'm sure he's onto it, but I also believe in my genuine ability to read, and, either way, I wanna. I WANNA!

So, how to go about this, when I'll be strolling in there, headthrobbed and sleepless? I don't know. I don't want to plan it out. I just wanna.

Did good again last night. Real good, and it was a terrible night. Yeah I'm a sex-bomb but my shoes are almost BROKEN and I need new ones stat, so my dancing is CAUTIOUS hahaha... Psychic parlor tricks, perhaps? I spoke a man's language to him before he spoke a word, I made a joke about Wagner's Ring Trilogy to another because I knew he wanted to go to that opera, and these guys were non-DESCRIPT mf's and I mean that's pretty obscure stuff; got a bunch of dances from both of them. Guessed another guy's last name and hometown. Whatever. I don't even know what it is. Just saying. I did really well on the Zener Test. Just sayin.'

Try for yourself.

What did the Yogi say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

And he told me a joke.

What did the yogi-swami-guru say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

I asked him about poses that would help me sleep. He said maybe he could find a picture. He looked around. He said Okay, well I can explain this one to you. He explained it. "And the other one's a little harder... I could put you in it, one day when you're wearing pants because..."

I felt just a little cheap, for not... Next time I see him, I'm gonna leave contrived sexuality at home. Sharon Shone shot, I think not.

And maybe I'll lie on the floor, and he'll put me in a pose. Gentle, firm, leaned over me, touching my body, guiding me, divining the universe.