Syncing Feeling

Funny, that.

Against all better judgment, and because I have to be at work soon, and S is coming to fix my headlight bulb in like 5 minutes, I was compelled to stop at Julian's. At like ten to 8. I decided I'd take his Eckhart Tolle CD to return it and see what happened. I almost hoped he wouldn't be there because it was such a mess and I'd be potentially blowing off a friend who was coming to FIX MY CAR...

And he wasn't. I got there, and his car wasn't in the lot.

While I was driving I heard my phone go off, e-mail alert. And when I got back in the car to drive home it was a message from Julian. The subject was "received."

I missed him by like 5 minutes.

I was compelled to rush over there when he was writing that e-mail.

It was just a thank you for sending the insurance check, and that he was looking forward to listening to my CD, and an "I hope you are well."

...But I looked in the e-mail headers (cuz I'm a stalker like that) and saw that it was indeed sent from his office IP, and actually in a response to an e-mail I wrote him a while back, that said all this stuff.

Anyway.

I'm not going to respond.

Bonkers, Brilliant, or Brave?

from another letter to julian, from last night. i saw him today. nothing happened, but, it's always good to see him...

"...but theyre all, these french girls, they just say unexpected things, real things, like i feel like so many people have just canned responses.

so i cant say i blame you jd

Midwestern grown where they grow em tall n pretty, midwest, middle class, but with NYC roots, always felt a little out of place though you always apparently fit in very well? thought your family was kinda weird (well what kid does not as ET says everyone is strange, some are more strange zan ozers), WASP/RC mix like JD salinger style, franny and zooey, new york neurosis and brit repressed emotions and irishcatholic guilt, some storminess, some worldliness in the middle of america, maybe thought your older sibling was a little weird, which made you more self conscious than you seemed, and your family had some issues and you were a little kid and you started observing people's behavior a lot, not consciously.... and you yourself were interested in a bunch of weird esoteric shit hahaha but you always had nice friends. and you were always ambitious. and, like all attractive men, didn't really know you were attractive until girlies started telling you so. and they did. you went to college. people were telling you you're brilliant, and you're special, and girlies telling you you're pretty, and you were like you know what I AM! and im gonna get the F out of here and go live in europe.

and so you did and you came back relaxed and happy and more stylish and more self assured and more impulsive. and still ambitious. and a little arrogant because everything came easy to you. and you were sociable and well spoken and well mannered and attractive and overachieving and outwardly easy-going, you were still always questioning things because you cared about things, and never really stopped questioning yourself because you were always changing philosophies and open to new world views and kept telling yourself you didnt know anything even though other people made you feel like you knew everything.

and there were a lot of girlies, messy personal life, possibly runs in the family, and then you were debating between law school and phd program and law school was kind of tempting cuz you knew youd be good at it and make a lot of money and people were urging you to go, but you didn't wanna wear those damn shoes, and phd program seemed easier, and it meant california, and you always wanted to go there and you played the beachboys in your car but the real reason you chose it was because you started feeling your white light and your truth and your exploration and your curiosity and your wisdom that you had all along but didnt admit it to yourself...

and there you were at Stanford... given privileges and responsibilities only given to the elite group.... lost in the meritocracy... and there was lots of work and there was lots of BS and lots of girlies and you kind of missed your friends in the midwest, surrounded by LA weirdos, and you met this one girlie you really really liked and really fell for and it all seemed perfect and then she turned out to be less than you thought she was, and it haunted you, and you hated her, and you hated everything for a while. and then you met this pretty french girlie and she was really intellectual and totally different and from this good family and it was worldly and stylish and everything you wanted and you were starting to see your career going really well and you were kind of impulsive and you went to france and met her family and you moved in together and you got married and you had kids and you had houses and............

you want to kill me right now dont you.

if all of this is totally wrong, i'm just an idiot, if some of it is right and you think its an insult, youre wrong, because it only seems RELATABLE to me. and because anything i think about you, is never an insult. because you know, i think youre so fucking amazing. so sorry about that, i hope youre not gonna be mean to me tomorrow because of it, please dont, i was just thinking about this... because i think about it. my pills are making my eyelids droop PERFECT its 1 20.

oh i got some money. i always got you J. cuz youre priceless

good night

love
s"

bonkers, brilliant or brave?

Psychic

what's more interesting.

psychic powers? i had a bunch of that going on this weekend. at the parties with the unfathomable tax-bracket contingent. bent down to the floor to pick up glass that shattered right AFTER i was down there. called kim's son by his name before they told me it. later talking to her said wow, thats gotta suck having to move out of your house for 6 months after you just got back there. she was like, yeah, its an interesting life, we're adjusting with D's work. paul was like oh you're filming now? and i realized he hadn't told me that so i didn't know how i knew. sunday we ran into his friend i'd met and i asked him Oh how did Monica's show go? and he was like Oh it was great and paul was like How did you know she had a show? and I was just like, oh, he mentioned it the other week... and Paul was like jesus you have a good memory.

He ran into his psychic (" ") saturday and I just made a joke like, pshh I'm more psychic than all the psychics. and he just goes for condescension- You're more psychic than all the psychics? Hehe, yeah yep. So, what's going to happen to me? And I said, sincerely thinking about it, I don't see the future, I see the present... So he makes another jokey joke- so what's happening to me now? Am I... going to a party tonight? And I said, Yes!

Hardiharhar.

But no. Maybe, for you atheists (and Christians, k :-) ) I can accept that maybe I had just heard these things, overheard, and not realized... It's totally plausible. And as for the glass breaking, maybe, I dunno, I thought I just saw glass on the ground... It doesn't matter.

But Paul is sick of people laughing at my jokes so much. And doesn't like me talking so much. When I'm alone with him, I know to talk nonsense, I know to keep my mouth shut when he says things that make my blood boil. Because, that's how you act with men, that you don't really love, that are taking you out and about. But when I'm around other people, more kindred spirits, I want to connect... I want to have fun... He brings me to these things, dresses me up in his personal richbitch haute hippie understated style (which I can appreciate but get really sick of his stupid compliments, as if I haven't fucking heard it, as if I can't see right through the fact that he wants me to look moneyed so that I don't look like a gold-digger), and wants people to like me and think he has a catch, this funny, confident, knowledgeable chick, right? But, oh, not TOO much. Not to OUTSHINE.

These fucking games.

And psychic? Maybe not. But I can see. I can see people's colors. And I can see through him.

And I'm exhausted.

ESPeezy

I gave Julian the CD, two of the songs on it were like his theme song at some point in life that he would listen to over and over in the car. :-0

The final flirt.

I'm actually getting upset again thinking about tomorrow, and how I'll feel after tomorrow... Not because I'll feel worse about anything, but just because I won't feel better enough, and I'll have four days to deal with... And I feel kind of horrible, and not-okay morally even-- throwing myself at him like that and telling him I wanted to "tremble and scream in [his] Jag"... Which, omg, IS his car... Tuesday, before he told me he was not interested, that he would never, that I was dreaming, he had to admit I was right about the uncanny things I end up being right about, that I don't even give a second thought.... (and that are NEVER of any consequence either.)...

"God... I'm.. Sorry about that letter... That's totally not even your--"

"It's my car."

"Oh!" I laughed. "Obviously... It's so obvious."

"Right. ...I hate having a spot in front of the building; everyone in this neighborhood needs like, a Prius..."

"Its a hot car; I've been admiring it for ages, I knew it was yours..."

He shifted in his seat.

"So was I right about the birthday too?" I asked, half-joking.

"Oh, well, what did you give yourself there, a 5-month, 4-month range?"

"Well yeah, I said I'd wanna tack on August, but I really only-"

"-ANYWAY!" he said, actually cutting me OFF to change the subject. Wow. Obviously I nailed it.

June or July...

But what does it matter. My beautiful Julian. No more flirting. I was so wrong about so much for so long. And I still.

Love.

Him.

The Psychic and the Psychologist

Yesterday, I didn't get to touch him.

But I brought up the psychic thing. We were talking about my mom... I was, I mean. He was silent mostly and I laid on the couch looking up not at him and I just let all sorts of things spill out, viscera floorwards, but poetic, wistful, funny... He was kind of mesmerized... I turned around at one point and he was watching and I said What??? And he said What?? And I said, You were... looking at me like I just came crashing into your office from the moon... and he said, Oh, no, not at all...

And then I said... I know you don't believe in them. But I do and I take some comfort in... communication with... spirits... Like my dreams about her... But they're never...

"So, you enjoy these dreams that you feel are- you enjoy communicating with your mother?"

"Well, no, because they've never been good." I looked at him. "It's always like I'm panicked, I'm asking myself, what the fuck happened, didn't she die?? When was that? Did I tell everyone she was dead? Like, she's often not there, but her presence is there, but it's, it's dread, I'm in the basement of my old house and there are canvases everywhere, and they're charred..." I sat up and hugged my knees. "And then there was one where she was sitting on, we had this big yard you know, with a, a patio, and she was sitting on the patio with her feet on the grass in a nightgown and, she said, Don't you know? Don't you know I'm dead? Touch my face," and I put my hand on my cheek, "See how it's cold?" Julian kind of nodded, slowly.

"I knoooow, they're just manifestations of my own uncertainties, my emotions, constructions of my mind, right, yes, and all that shit. I know." He didn't say anything.

"Whatever they are, explained or unexplained. Magic is just a matter of semantics. I'm sure I sound like every walk-in wacko. But. So it goes." I laughed. I wasn't looking at him.

"I have predictive dreams too." I looked at him and half-smiled. "Crazy, right?"

He half-smiled.

Goal for the Day:

So, Sleepless Scarlet is up at it again, or rather still up, though I tried to rest for an hour, in the yoga position that Julian "put me into" the other day, btw, during those 5 minutes in his office when I came in at the wrong time, by asking me to lie down a certain way and close my eyes, and gingerly sliding a pillow under one knee without touching me at all-- "pick up your knee," and he slid the pillow under, and then handed me the other one, and "now put this one under your other knee..." My eyes closed the whole time. Steamy stuff. :-/

Which brings me to today's goal. Which serves multiple goals really, and is not just a manipulation, though in many ways it could seem like such... I want to TOUCH J. I want to ask him if I can touch his hand. Because:
A) I want to TOUCH J. ...and...
B) I want to see if I can read him at all... because
1) I actually AM kinda psychic, maybe, not like big-time but in a parlor-trick psychic way and sure he'll never believe that and neither will you or even I sometimes, but I do get senses about people, intuition maybe, maybe just more intense when I touch them because I'm reading body language or whatever, but when I touch people I do get sort of flashes of things, that just pop into my head... I started noticing it more recently working at the club because I touch so many goddamn people, and I can just see things, like their strengths, their mood, things about their background, what's on their mind... It sounds hokey but I'm good to the point where people call me psychic at the club all the time, customers, and they'll challenge me, and I'm right an awful lot of the time... but whatever it is, I want to read J, psychically, and then, more carnie-style gypsy psychic-style, so,
2) I can read his reactions to things I say. Like, if I feel something, and say I feel it, his response will be telling in and of itself. Now, this is basic gypsy trickery, and I'm sure he's onto it, but I also believe in my genuine ability to read, and, either way, I wanna. I WANNA!

So, how to go about this, when I'll be strolling in there, headthrobbed and sleepless? I don't know. I don't want to plan it out. I just wanna.

Did good again last night. Real good, and it was a terrible night. Yeah I'm a sex-bomb but my shoes are almost BROKEN and I need new ones stat, so my dancing is CAUTIOUS hahaha... Psychic parlor tricks, perhaps? I spoke a man's language to him before he spoke a word, I made a joke about Wagner's Ring Trilogy to another because I knew he wanted to go to that opera, and these guys were non-DESCRIPT mf's and I mean that's pretty obscure stuff; got a bunch of dances from both of them. Guessed another guy's last name and hometown. Whatever. I don't even know what it is. Just saying. I did really well on the Zener Test. Just sayin.'

Try for yourself.