actually

actually i'm in a really shit mood. i feel like anyone in my life just feels sorry for me and thinks i'm this mess of a loser. sunny feels sorry for me. she always acts like it. naima thinks i'm a self-obsessed wreck now after last night. celine can't stand me either. all the men just want to sleep with me, not because i'm attractive but because they think i'm a slut and talentless and desperate. julian is my doctor. it's his job to be nice to me, and he probably flirts with me because he wants me to have some self-esteem. cam is done with me. manny's not my friend anymore because his wife hates me. z thinks i'm a fucking knowitall dilettante. carly just got engaged. i'm going nowhere in life.

i feel fat and lazy and like every time my i feel good about myself it's just mania-based delusion. because these are the facts. i'm selfish and i don't keep up with people and even this writing is fucking selfish loser bullshit. i have to go to sunny's because she came to my show out of pity. but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i'm broke. and the only reason i'm not evicted is because P came through and gave me some money and i got another check from the movie. otherwise i'd have been in the red. my car's about to fall apart. my phone's falling apart and i can't afford a new anything because i ruin everything because i'm a fucking loser.

i can't keep any friends because i'm too lazy and selfish.

the end.

I dunno what it is now.

I went home early. I couldn't make a dime. I liked being onstage. Onstage I was great tonight... Better than ever. All the girls were watching, with their men from whom they were milking money like lifelong dairy farmers, they stopped and watched, each time, and they rarely do. But the rest of the time... I just COULDN't do it. I couldn't walk up to these guys. And when I did they just leered and grabbed and a lot were rude and it was one rejection after another despite everything. And then I'd walk away, and I feel so sad and rejected and horrible and look over 5 minutes later at them, being lead to the back by another girl. Any girl, every girl. I know why, I know I came off depressed, and passive, and it just doesn't work.

And I need the money. And I just can't get myself... I just couldn't walk up to these guys.