actually part 2

i love you guys. thanks so much for your comments... you're right it was a low point and i need to start dealing with those better because the self-flagellating is pointless. but i'm, thanks to beautiful spirits, and thanks to J, getting better at coping with my lows.

i made myself go to sunny's. i'm so glad i did. it was great, and i got em to come too, and it was a mexican bar with BuildYourOwnBloodyMary's and 7 years of bartending experience (yes I started when I was 17) I've perfected my Bloody. to a science. so everyone kept asking me to make them a Bloody and then the bartenders loved me cuz i was bringing in the loot for them... and one was really hot and i gave him my number. Sunny's friends are sweet, and Sunny is an angel, a total lightweight who always gets drunk at her birthday and is a really really SWEET drunk. i, having not eaten all day, got drunk off my one Bloody, too.

and then I went straight to work, and Vinnie wasn't pissed at all, just a sweetheart to me as always. tonight was a workout and a half. i probably spent 3 hours out of 4 actually dancing, cuz there were only 4 girls there and i gave a bunch of table dances too. i was sweating my ass off on the walk home. i made like $400 too. and it was a dead night. thank GOD.

i ran into my two gay neighbors on the way home and they were loaded up and we chatted for like 20 minutes and one's a mechanic and gonna look at my car for free.

i feel better. but my phone is just straight NOT working anymore. it's bad. i need to figure that out. and i was gonna pay my rent right now but i cannot find my damn checkbook. so i'm gonna look for it tomorrow. it's 3 here.

Fourth of July

So, today is the fourth of July, and I was invited up to Mal-au-booboo, but I am not going... Cuz I really gotta go to work.

Vinnie called me again Friday night as I was on my way to my show and actually sounded kinda pissed, even though I'd left him a buncha messages last week saying I had this show, etc... and I really, really need to make some dough. I was gonna go last night but I woke up yesterday feeling a little sick, so I texted him and he said it was fine... But I gotta go tonight. If we're open that is, which I assume we are...

Also it's my friend Sunny's birthday. Sunny, as I said, is an angel, who came to my show Friday and also gave me a ticket to this play yesterday that was really awesome. So she's having a get together Im gonna go to for a couple hours before work... Sigh, work. I'm so overit right now.

Friday's show actually went awesome, N and C and Emmy and an old friend from an acting class I took, Christine, was there with her boyfriend, and Sunny and a guy I was gonna work on some music with and his boyfriend, and a friend E who came to my last show that I met at the club... there was an audience there too, but other than that, none of my "friends" who CONFIRMED they'd be there for the second time.

So I was just in a hideous mood. Just hideous.

When I saw how late it was running, and how many FRIENDZ didn't show up, I was just like, to the sound guy, just cancel it, you might as well shut down, and he was like, well Leo's coming to see you (the club guy/booker), and he never leaves his house.

But I went up, and they let me play a way longer set, and people were actually singing along to some of my covers, and I got a bunch of cards after... and Leo talked to me after, and said he wanted to talk to me about my music. I just assumed, he was hitting me, cuz that's the way of this goddamn world. But then I talked to him, and he wrote me this really eloquent straight-up e-mail in response saying Yeah I thought you were attractive, I'm not gonna lie, but when I heard you I was seriously impressed. I've started the careers of a lot of well known artists. You should ask around about me. I wouldn't do that because it would hurt my reputation musically, and my integrity, more importantly. But I respect you for throwing it out there... Sure I'd like to hang out and get to know you but music comes first.

And I did ask around about him. And it's good.

He wants to play a show together at a couple really popular here, like his band and mine (or me rather, band lackthereof), and he can get anyone to come... So... we'll see... He also told me I need a band, strings and drums (and he described the kind of drumming -"textures"- my word!) and I am totally stoked.

But we'll see.

Right now I'm in a shit mood cuz my throat still hurts and I have so much to do.

Interior Decorating

I am one tired lady. I tried to go to bed earlyish last night but it was tough... I don't even know when I got to sleep but I kept waking up... Then I woke up at 8 and went for a run. I totally cleaned and also rearranged my furniture and the doma looks so much better and feels so much more comfortable. Jesus. That feng shui musta been pretty off.

But now I'm so tired. I wanna take a nap. I'm meeting Sunny at 7 for dinner. I can't afford dinner though. I'll probably get coffee. Or a soup. And then, of course, work.

I hung out with Cam last night. We did his scene thing again. He's real attractive. And sweet. We're gonna go to the beach tomorrow, and the Gogol Bordello show. And he hasn't like, kissed me or anything yet. (I mean we've slept with each other and kinda dated like a year and a half ago but I mean now...) And he always almost does and walks me home and then says good bye. And I really like it. And obviously we flirt a lot and he's always trying to impress me and over the three times we hung out gotten more touchy and stuff. And you know. I know he likes me.

But this makes me think. Maybe none of these people like me. Maybe they're just flirting with me to be flirty.

I mean... Cam really liked me before... the last time... and men have fallen all over me, been crushed, made fools of themselves, poured their hearts out for the first time ever, and proposed, with diamond rings, introduced me to family, etc, etc, always. Hot shot lawyers, millionaires, rockstars, nice boys from Idaho, married, single, young, old, mobsters, Christians, all nationalities. And all the guys I meet in the club. And at the shows.

But... maybe, some of it is just all in my head... I mean... I need a mirror... all the time... I see myself in photos and I feel like that person is beautiful but it's not me... Or onscreen... and I always feel like I just don't look like that anymore... I only feel pretty when I'm seeing myself onscreen or in a mirror at the club or when people are watching me and telling me I'm pretty. I'm like... It's not even that important, because I just don't care anymore. But it's important because... it really makes me wonder if I'm just delusional all the time. If the club and the pictures made me think, or the particular men, and I'm not anything attractive or anything anyone would wanna be with. I damn sure don't feel pretty right now. I don't have any nice clothes AT ALL. NOTHING.



But. now that I've moved the bed, the breeze and the sunlight coming through the window are caressing my body and there's nothing more beautiful than that...

Ode to Sunny

Dear Princess Sunny
I present you your crown
You're cool and your funny
Though you live in this town
Somehow you've managed to stay really ama3ing
I hope you don't read this and decide I'm a bra3en [hussy]

I would LOVE some cheese with my whine, preferably Havarti. Thanks much.

Okay. It's clear. It's really clear, that nobody wants to hear about this. Anymore, or for the first time, or at all. There are exceptions. But generally-- I've been met with negative reactions.

I don't care what this means.

I'm not looking for advice.

I love that some people are interested in my writing, and I appreciate support, and this probably goes without saying but since I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE- I really need to just write for myself, for my own sake, and my own sanity now.

So that's it.

Two people blew up at me and hung up on me last night, and one was pedantic and condescending. And all three were jealous.

One was an ex. His jealousy is natural. Though he's called ME, and he never calls me, high and sobbing about a girl who left him. And it felt a little like a slap, but I SUBLIMATED my ego and sucked it up and listened and didn't tell him what he did wrong but only why he should feel good and nice things and jokes. He called me this morning-- I didn't even call him-- because he RELAPSED. Which is the only reason he ever calls me. And started the conversation saying how much I meant to him, how I was always right, how much strength I gave him and changed his life and ended it by saying I sounded like I was on drugs and hanging up on me.



I was telling him about Julian. At first he was like Yeah, bring it on! And making jokes, and so was I, but then, when he started reali3ing how serious I was, and how hurt, he started flipping out and talking about shit about which he knows NOTHING, saying any psychiatrist (he is NOT a psychiatrist. Julian I mean. He's a psychologist. He doesn't hock meds.) "would shit their pants" because the situation "is completely unethical." Which is just unequivocally false. I've read of many therapists talking about transference and countertransference as something that should be dealt with and learned from and grown past. And he kept saying that "a line was crossed" and twisting my words and I started defending myself, and Julian. And then he got all, Okay, fine, he's a great guy I'm sure, but don't call me complaining about it. And I was like. I didn't call you. You're on smack. And you're irritable.



ANYWAY.



After that terrible, really upsetting conversation, Harlan called me (again, she called ME, I've told her nothing.) to tell me she was in PA and thinking about me, there with some cra3y guy she met who promised her all this shit, as usual, and I started telling HER. And she listened for a while and then she told me, that all this was gonna happen, all this bad stuff, and that I need to stop seeing him immediately. And when I told her I didn't want advice-- that she wasn't telling me anything new-- I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE and get some support-- she said Sorry Scar I just can't give it to you. I can't just listen to you talk about this thing that's an upstream process and she started telling me how "ever since [she] found 'Abraham'" some positive thinking cult bullshit she just doesn't think this way and she just can't listen to it and I was like, So when was this? And she said, oh, ever since I left Hawaii, and I was like, And everything's gone right since then? (Thinking about the 3illion one-sided conversations of catastrophes we've had on her behalf...) And she was like, Yeah, I mean, yeah, I left Hawaii, I got my extensions, I got my new apartment. I was just sickened by this. And she had told me outright, that she was jealous. She kept saying, See, you're just so in love right now, I just don't have that in my life right now, I'm just in the opposite situation. Even: I'm so jealous, Scar! more in jest... but the other stuff... was dead serious. And she was rambling about Abraham and I kept trying to say Harley I'm asking for 40 minutes of your attention okay. I'm really upset right now. I just want you to listen, I HAVE considered all these things. And she would just talk over me, sounding more and more angry, saying Sorry girl, you know I think you're great, and all that, and you know I love, but, I just CAN'T. And I was like, Dude, if you wanna go, that's fine, you don't need to give me all that, it sounds like a BREAK-UP talk... And then she hung up on me.



WHAT? WHY? WHY I kept asking her WHY are you MAD at me??? And she would say, Girl, you know I love you, and think you're great...



??



Third person is Therese. Who had the same situation. 10 years ago. Only she was much younger than me, and he was much older than Julian, and they ended up going out for two years but it was really messed up, but the guy was an egomaniac she says, and when she told me this story, it was way before I even met Julian, and she told me how she confessed these feelings, and he made no attempt to try to stop it or grow through it and they slept together that day in his office which was in his house. So I called her thinking she's GOT to understand. And our conversation was very civil. She would just listen and then break it down for me from a therapy standpoint, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, it's beautiful and it's great and you'll reali3e that what you need from him is a friend and you'll work through it. And she is a therapy EXPERT, because since the one she dated she's been to many others, and she has analysts and gurus in New York City, and is right out of a Woody Allen movie, and knows this stuff.



But again, when I told her about Thursday, her tone kept changing and ultimately landing on a subtle slight on my account or Julian's, from "that's really bad news if he said that about transference and countertransference. That means he can't manage his patients" to "because it wasn't his JOB to address it, that was YOUR job" to "you'll grow through it. The part in you that feels this way is very very young. You're just at the beginning of this, and when you mature, you'll be able to talk to him with some intelligence."



Sigh.



Because she sees that MINE DOES have integrity. And is interested in me anyway. Even though he's not an egomaniac creep that dated his patient less than half his age.



At least she has the maturity and decency to try to be supportive and civil and helpful.



Sunny's great. Jo was really interested the whole time but again when I told her about Thursday she just said, Well, you know you're not cra3y, and it can't happen, end of story. And she didn't want to listen anymore.

And Elena understands everything to the word, to the space between the words. She sees the benefit regardless of the outcome, and the beauty, and the tragedy, and the comedy. And she told me I shouldn't tell people, because they just won't, and I'll be disappointed. And that it doesn't matter if they understand. "You understand. He understands. I understand." She laughed. "Don't talk about it. Write about it."

Oh Elena I love you so much. Even though you suck about calling me back.

But that is what I'll do.