Interior Decorating

I am one tired lady. I tried to go to bed earlyish last night but it was tough... I don't even know when I got to sleep but I kept waking up... Then I woke up at 8 and went for a run. I totally cleaned and also rearranged my furniture and the doma looks so much better and feels so much more comfortable. Jesus. That feng shui musta been pretty off.

But now I'm so tired. I wanna take a nap. I'm meeting Sunny at 7 for dinner. I can't afford dinner though. I'll probably get coffee. Or a soup. And then, of course, work.

I hung out with Cam last night. We did his scene thing again. He's real attractive. And sweet. We're gonna go to the beach tomorrow, and the Gogol Bordello show. And he hasn't like, kissed me or anything yet. (I mean we've slept with each other and kinda dated like a year and a half ago but I mean now...) And he always almost does and walks me home and then says good bye. And I really like it. And obviously we flirt a lot and he's always trying to impress me and over the three times we hung out gotten more touchy and stuff. And you know. I know he likes me.

But this makes me think. Maybe none of these people like me. Maybe they're just flirting with me to be flirty.

I mean... Cam really liked me before... the last time... and men have fallen all over me, been crushed, made fools of themselves, poured their hearts out for the first time ever, and proposed, with diamond rings, introduced me to family, etc, etc, always. Hot shot lawyers, millionaires, rockstars, nice boys from Idaho, married, single, young, old, mobsters, Christians, all nationalities. And all the guys I meet in the club. And at the shows.

But... maybe, some of it is just all in my head... I mean... I need a mirror... all the time... I see myself in photos and I feel like that person is beautiful but it's not me... Or onscreen... and I always feel like I just don't look like that anymore... I only feel pretty when I'm seeing myself onscreen or in a mirror at the club or when people are watching me and telling me I'm pretty. I'm like... It's not even that important, because I just don't care anymore. But it's important because... it really makes me wonder if I'm just delusional all the time. If the club and the pictures made me think, or the particular men, and I'm not anything attractive or anything anyone would wanna be with. I damn sure don't feel pretty right now. I don't have any nice clothes AT ALL. NOTHING.



But. now that I've moved the bed, the breeze and the sunlight coming through the window are caressing my body and there's nothing more beautiful than that...

Sean

We were gonna get married. We would've killed each other. But he always makes me feel better. I'll love him forever. This is how we talk:


andfirenow (4:40:33 PM): ok lets try thi sone

andfirenow (4:40:47 PM): ber der ber berner derner bernerderner

andfirenow (4:40:54 PM): ber ner der

andfirenow (4:41:03 PM): berner dernerderner derner

scarletglassxx (4:41:06 PM): inxs

scarletglassxx(4:41:10 PM): I NEED YOU TONIGHT

andfirenow (4:41:18 PM): cus im not sleepin

scarletglassxx (4:41:19 PM): GOTcha

andfirenow (4:41:31 PM): INXS / Kick

andfirenow (4:41:54 PM): ber ner der

scarletglassxx (4:41:54 PM): berner der, berner der,

scarletglassxx (4:42:00 PM): 1 2 3

andfirenow (4:42:04 PM): lol

andfirenow (4:42:11 PM): 123

andfirenow (4:42:13 PM): LOL

scarletglassxx (4:42:22 PM): hahhahaha

andfirenow (4:43:31 PM): oh i wanted to tell youa bout the next best thing to jeff buckley the other day and forgot

scarletglassxx (4:43:53 PM): yes pl3 do so!

andfirenow (4:43:59 PM): Andrew Wood from MotherLoveBone

scarletglassxx (4:44:09 PM): yeah?? can i download him?

andfirenow (4:44:19 PM): the band is mother love bone

andfirenow (4:44:27 PM): its pearl jam with a diff lead singer that ded

andfirenow (4:44:30 PM): died

scarletglassxx (4:45:03 PM): mother love bone, album?

andfirenow (4:45:18 PM): hrm i think they only had one

scarletglassxx (4:45:36 PM): ok, makes it wasier for me

andfirenow (4:45:50 PM): wasier =way easier in S-O talk

scarletglassxx (4:45:59 PM): precis!

andfirenow (4:46:04 PM): omg

scarletglassxx (4:46:10 PM): w

andfirenow (4:46:21 PM): bl m

andfirenow (4:46:25 PM): LOL

scarletglassxx (4:46:31 PM): hahahahaha

scarletglassxx (4:46:35 PM): gldly

Spread Thin, Stoked, Stormy

I know I haven't been writing as much, and reading as much, of your blogs, I just, I haven't had time, and, I've been writing letters to people... and writing a lot of music, and recording, and I can't sleep so I'm never awake, and I drink like a fish at work and I'm gonna cry even though I'm stoked... I have a showcase for a record label just last minute on Wednesday and I have to learn all my shit down and like I don't have time, I also had to finish my column for the paper today when it was due on Sunday. And school is starting, and working, school's starting in a week, and on the same day, my ex fiance is coming HERE. I haven't seen him in more than year. He didn't wanna move here. He used to be a rockstar, but I dunno blew it off, cuz he's, like that... but he's the funniest, most magical sexbomb person and I can't, I haven't even thought about what happened... But I sent him my tracks and he said it was good. And don't add anything to it, like drums or bass or whatever, it'll just mess it up. And he's right. And he gave me advice. And he's letting me cover a couple of his songs. His songs. Are genius. He has the sexiest, toughest, most beautiful voice in the world. And God I love him, but, he was, ugh... I don't want to think about it. It's too much right now. But I'm not gonna revert to how I was with when I was with him... all the growth, I'm not gonna regress, so I'm not gonna start telling him I love him and stuff because that's not fair and I need to just hold it back and be mature about it.

I see Julian tomorrow. I'm gonna tell him thank you. He deserves it.

Callin' it a goddamn night.

I'm going to bed. I'm really tired and I feel a little sick. I went out to a metal show with a guy I like. He's from Spain and is a drummer in a metal band, has been for years. The show reminded me of my ex fiance. He chatted me online the other day. He made me laugh for hours. He's the funniest person ever. I'll always be in love with him. But it didn't work. He took me on vacation, and got down on his knee and gave me a diamond ring. My tough rock star who never did that for anyone. And I said yes. And then I moved. And then we started talking again, and he was gonna move here, and I stopped answering the phone for three days. I'm a jerk. I don't want to think about it. I'm gonna just start being honest with J. Elena would say it's stupid but it's the only way I'll ever get over him and be able to move on and that's what I need to do. I don't want the challenge, it's not a game to me anymore. I just want to be happier.