So I got through all the unwarranted stress of this week... I'm just depressed. I feel like a part of me was cut out with a knife, and there's a hole now.
I started writing Julian last night, a long old e-mail. And I just didn't send it.
You're right Kat hot men are just always flirty. And I'm just another person he's just naturally flirty with. And that's it. And it makes me really sad. That's all.
I gotta catch up on reading and writing and a whole buncha stuff... but I'm cold here at the cafe so I'm gonna run home right now. I will soon.
Showing posts with label i'm done with this now. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i'm done with this now. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
One more time with this:
So I had one of my tests today and I think I nailed it, and I got an A yesterday too, though I got a 37/40... I think that should be an A-... Well no, I guess it's 92.5 and it rounds up. I mostly care though that they were small mistakes... it wasn't like a didn't know words, I just spelled a couple wrong.
I have Psych test tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I know absolutely nothing. I'm lucky enough to learn a lot of things by osmosis... but this is too much... Sigh. Well I have a few hours to cram.
I don't feel too great right now. I haven't spoken to Elena for more than a few minutes here since the last time, which was a month ago now. Or more. She just never calls me back when she says she will. And I'm the one to call. International. I don't have a plan. It's like free for her. It's just getting old.
I saw Julian. He was nice and cute and friendly. He showed me a New Yorker cartoon he said mae him think of our conversation, and we talked about the youtube link about recurrence, and he showed me Rockstar (it's Rockstar)'s scratches. But he didn't say anything about things I'd said in the e-mail, he just ignored it all, except for the part where I mentioned his looks that made me feel like he was skeptical of what I was saying. I think we're just trying to move past it. Yeah, he's definitely just trying to get me past it. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess he can see that I have some other stuff going on, and that I can talk about it, so we're moving past it. You were Kat to just take things at face-value. Dead-on right. He even used those words once. I mean ks- don't know why I felt like calling you Kat, heh. Whatever little innuendos and hints and things I see in my head are really JUST MY IMAGINATION. The staring, it's just what therapists do. He's just kind of a flirtatious person by nature I think. And he's hot. So it probably seems he's flirting when he's not. I feel like an ass.
I just talked to Pasha (I don't know if I've mentioned him... trying to keep things simple and all that... and sorry about all the weird names in my life... I hang with a lot of e-pats... but he's a guy who I met at the club ages ago, and we kinda had a sugar-daddy thing going, I mean he just helps me with bills and stuff but like he's not my boyfriend... we would just *$&#... but then we were like, friends too... and actually like each other ... and I felt cool about it and then I felt weird about it and I talked to Julian about it-- again, how would he ever possibly be interested in me when I tell him things like that-- and Pasha is actually REALLY F-IN COOL. I always thought he's really funny, and really nice, and really level-headed, and sharp and he's attractive and really just the bomb but we just have a different kind of relationship like there's no romance I don't feel THAT way about him, I actually feel about him more like a friend like someone I can call and cry to, but anyway, I hadn't been seeing him at all, probably a lot to do with being in love with J, and I saw him again recently, and told him all about Julian, and he's like totally fascinated by it and was like perfect so you're not sleeping with anyone, you can sleep with me, i'll be the pig, and then you can have him as your intellectual half. Hah. But he said stuff about it that was just really right on-the-mark, like sensitive and perceptive stuff that I wouldn't think he'd know anything about, I mean he sure doesn't go to therapy... and today I was upset and I called him, and again he was really sensitive and dead-on and he was like, this is the part where it can get really dangerous and really fuck you up. You need to back off. Back off like 90%. This guy isn't going anywhere. And if he really wants you he'll move mountains to be with you.
And he's right.
Julian changed all my appointments around this week again and then last minute asked if Friday at 6 was good, so of course I said of course. And now I realized I have a show at 7. Another hour set. I'm gonna ask them if I can move it back a little since they're never on schedule anyway, and honestly an hour was a little too much to fill, but, really, maybe I should just try to reschedule or cancel with J this week. Really. I like thought (of course) this would be the night where it all happens. But after today. Come on, girl. WOW.
I have Psych test tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I know absolutely nothing. I'm lucky enough to learn a lot of things by osmosis... but this is too much... Sigh. Well I have a few hours to cram.
I don't feel too great right now. I haven't spoken to Elena for more than a few minutes here since the last time, which was a month ago now. Or more. She just never calls me back when she says she will. And I'm the one to call. International. I don't have a plan. It's like free for her. It's just getting old.
I saw Julian. He was nice and cute and friendly. He showed me a New Yorker cartoon he said mae him think of our conversation, and we talked about the youtube link about recurrence, and he showed me Rockstar (it's Rockstar)'s scratches. But he didn't say anything about things I'd said in the e-mail, he just ignored it all, except for the part where I mentioned his looks that made me feel like he was skeptical of what I was saying. I think we're just trying to move past it. Yeah, he's definitely just trying to get me past it. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess he can see that I have some other stuff going on, and that I can talk about it, so we're moving past it. You were Kat to just take things at face-value. Dead-on right. He even used those words once. I mean ks- don't know why I felt like calling you Kat, heh. Whatever little innuendos and hints and things I see in my head are really JUST MY IMAGINATION. The staring, it's just what therapists do. He's just kind of a flirtatious person by nature I think. And he's hot. So it probably seems he's flirting when he's not. I feel like an ass.
I just talked to Pasha (I don't know if I've mentioned him... trying to keep things simple and all that... and sorry about all the weird names in my life... I hang with a lot of e-pats... but he's a guy who I met at the club ages ago, and we kinda had a sugar-daddy thing going, I mean he just helps me with bills and stuff but like he's not my boyfriend... we would just *$&#... but then we were like, friends too... and actually like each other ... and I felt cool about it and then I felt weird about it and I talked to Julian about it-- again, how would he ever possibly be interested in me when I tell him things like that-- and Pasha is actually REALLY F-IN COOL. I always thought he's really funny, and really nice, and really level-headed, and sharp and he's attractive and really just the bomb but we just have a different kind of relationship like there's no romance I don't feel THAT way about him, I actually feel about him more like a friend like someone I can call and cry to, but anyway, I hadn't been seeing him at all, probably a lot to do with being in love with J, and I saw him again recently, and told him all about Julian, and he's like totally fascinated by it and was like perfect so you're not sleeping with anyone, you can sleep with me, i'll be the pig, and then you can have him as your intellectual half. Hah. But he said stuff about it that was just really right on-the-mark, like sensitive and perceptive stuff that I wouldn't think he'd know anything about, I mean he sure doesn't go to therapy... and today I was upset and I called him, and again he was really sensitive and dead-on and he was like, this is the part where it can get really dangerous and really fuck you up. You need to back off. Back off like 90%. This guy isn't going anywhere. And if he really wants you he'll move mountains to be with you.
And he's right.
Julian changed all my appointments around this week again and then last minute asked if Friday at 6 was good, so of course I said of course. And now I realized I have a show at 7. Another hour set. I'm gonna ask them if I can move it back a little since they're never on schedule anyway, and honestly an hour was a little too much to fill, but, really, maybe I should just try to reschedule or cancel with J this week. Really. I like thought (of course) this would be the night where it all happens. But after today. Come on, girl. WOW.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Man.
Ok I'm going to WORK tomorrow night that's what I'm going to do. Maybe even tonight. Yeah. F' it. Yeah. Okay. Can someone please, how do I just misinterpret everything to this degree? I need to make a list of all the thing's he actually said. Without my stupid, wishful thinking obsession it would say nothing standard shrink sh*t I'm sure. Possibly even just arrogant and getting off on the flattery. I need to stop this. He made me feel so good... What the #$*&?? Could he really be this much of a jerk? Because, I don't know if what he's doing, if it's just therapeutic technique, is helping me right now, or doing any good. Or if any of the things he's done that HAVE been good are going to stick around now. I feel horrible. I feel like such a f'in loser. I really do. I do just want to know... even if every lick of interpretation was off, isn't he being unprofessional in some ways? At all? From what you can tell? Someone, anyone?
I MEAN WOW. I'M GONNA GET REALLY DEPRESSED NOW. FOR A WHILE, PROBABLY. And he's not gonna care. As a therapist or as a person. If I just didn't come in again, he'd probably have his secretary give a call and that would be it. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK. ASSHOLE. OMG. Why wouldn't he make it more clear. And be nicer about it. To try to teach me something? Fuck. Seriously!? He was not exactly discouraging. He said "I'm not going to try talk you out your feelings." Maybe that's what he was doing, with his pathetic attempt gay question. And being a jerk, in general yesterday. Maybe it's all in my head. I'm done with it. Done. Done.
This was all. A terrible. Experience. When all is said and done. What the F have I been doing for 6 months. Okay. AM I REALLY REALLY STUPID? No. This is common. It's ok. I'm sad. And pathetic. And I want to die. Not to go get my hair done. But that works too. Oh god, a million depressing, nasty thoughts in my head right now. Ok, end result of this stupid experiment, is, there's no result, because the subject is an idiot. So my results are meaningless. Curtain.
I MEAN WOW. I'M GONNA GET REALLY DEPRESSED NOW. FOR A WHILE, PROBABLY. And he's not gonna care. As a therapist or as a person. If I just didn't come in again, he'd probably have his secretary give a call and that would be it. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK. ASSHOLE. OMG. Why wouldn't he make it more clear. And be nicer about it. To try to teach me something? Fuck. Seriously!? He was not exactly discouraging. He said "I'm not going to try talk you out your feelings." Maybe that's what he was doing, with his pathetic attempt gay question. And being a jerk, in general yesterday. Maybe it's all in my head. I'm done with it. Done. Done.
This was all. A terrible. Experience. When all is said and done. What the F have I been doing for 6 months. Okay. AM I REALLY REALLY STUPID? No. This is common. It's ok. I'm sad. And pathetic. And I want to die. Not to go get my hair done. But that works too. Oh god, a million depressing, nasty thoughts in my head right now. Ok, end result of this stupid experiment, is, there's no result, because the subject is an idiot. So my results are meaningless. Curtain.
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