Showing posts with label i am going to do a lot of very dirty things to julian darcy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i am going to do a lot of very dirty things to julian darcy. Show all posts

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Phonecall with Julian Thurs morn.

"Hello."
"Hi Scarlet you wanted me to call you."
"Hi, yeah."
"Okay well, what, what's going on?"
"I'm just really struggling with this, being completely ignored by you, and, I don't know if there's anything you can say, but just, yeah it's like been--"
"Well, have you tried seeing another therapist?"
"I've thought about it."
"And where are you on that?"
"I've sort-"
"Because I know a, a guy, he's an older guy, and, I like him, I mean, not that that means you'll like him, but, I can try, I don't know his availability right now-"
"Okay-"
"And as far as the letters, you-"
"I know."
"You know what?"
"You think I should stop writing you; I will-"
"I didn't, okay, you're putting WORDS IN MY MOUTH now-- I thought, you'd want to stop writing, so that you can move on, and my not responding, I just thought it's, it's like you said I'm, I'm shunning you or, and I'm not, I just thought I should try to help you, move on and..."
"Right."
"And so yes we can, I can try to reach this doctor and we can move forward from there-"
"MOVE FORWARD FROM THERE... ugh... what, do you have like two minutes to talk right now?"
"Well I'm- Janet's in my office and I'm in her office and she has an 11 o clock, that's, that's the situation..."
"I see..."

"Hello, Scarlet?"
"Yeah I'm here."
"So yeah, I'll get in touch with this doctor, I know he doesn't take less than 150 dollars though, he's out of network but..."
"Oh Julian I can't afford to be--"
"I know but I'm sure he'll-- and, I can tell him about you, beforehand,"
"What?"
"If you want me to, it's up to you."
"Are you crazy?"
"What??"
"Is that COMMONLY done?"
"It's within the REALM of standard practice, yes... Scarlet?"
"Here."
"...so, so, what do you, I'm having trouble figuring out--"
"Ha! I'M having trouble figuring out! Are you like, totally unaware that there's anything wrong besides that I've stopped therapy, or what?"
"No... I'm... I'm aware that there's something besides that."

"The way you're talking to me is just, feeling really false, J."
"What do you mean, can you explain that?"
"Yes, it's just, and I don't want to be presumptuous or insulting it's just like, this whole, I dunno, business-like and maybe slightly condescending--"
"Well, I'm sorry if it seems condescending, I'm, I am, on the phone, in Janet's office, I mean I don't know what to say, what do you want?"
"What I want. Is to talk to you. Outside of that office. Like a-"
"I can't do that, Scarlet, I CAN'T, I cannot-"
"It doesn't have to be OUTSIDE of the office- there are a lot of things that were left hanging but- that I still need to-"
"Well, I don't want to say, since you keep writing 'just don't call me up and tell me to make an appointment'..."
"Who cares what I keep writing? You sound like, are you really irritated or, what's going on..."
"I'm not, I'm sorry if this sounds cold and clinical-"
"It's not just cold and clinical you sound irritated-"
"Well I'm on the phone, and I have a time issue, so, yes, maybe I'm a little stressed about that, maybe that's what you're hearing."
"Anyway yeah, I'll make an appointment- but no- then you'll just be dishonest there."
"I'm not dishonest with-- I'm always honest--"
"JULIAN."
"What?"
"For you to say, that you've always been completely open and honest with me right now, is just, it's crazy."
"..."
"It's just bullshit."
"Okay."

"So yeah if you can be honest with me, in an appointment-"
"I, I will be..."
"Then I'd like to make one."
"Okay so I'll look in my schedule and I'll find a time and get back to you this afternoon or it might be tomorrow morning because I'm booked solid through today but-"
"Okay."
"Okay so I'll do that and, did you want me to follow through with that doctor?"
"..."
"Scarlet?"
"No, no thanks."
"O-kay. So. Okay. So are you okay?"
"I feel better now I heard your fake-mad/irritable/nervous-wreck voice, yeah,"
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

Friday, September 10, 2010

Decisive.

Okay no. Not today. No way. Toward the end of the month. Then it'll be TWO months about since I last saw him. And for these next 2 weeks- no writing, no letters, no contact, no nothing. He wants to be pushed but he needs to know that yeah, I'm not gonna bug him too much, considering the precarious nature of the situation and all, that I can control myself and am not gonna be a yeah, crazy stalker girl, which he kinda loves but, from his perspective, could also be kinda risky. So. No more e-mails. Gotta make him afraid to lose me. And miss me. Gonna drop by on Tuesday the 29th after doing my work at Table Top for a few hours in the morning, in case I run into him.

LET IT BE WRITTEN LET IT BE DONE
WITH GOOD TO ALL AND HARM TO NONE

Okay woot.

AND- I am going to work tonight. Cuz I need money for certain things. Yes.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Prelude to Uh...

Mmmh, sunshine lollipops.

I told him about my productive week, and that I followed his rules about drinking.

We talked about that some.

I brought up Cam again, and he said, again, Cam is the.. frustrated genius who can't get his genius to manifest? Hah, yup, I told him, he tries to be observant, he laughed, Tries to be observant. I elaborated, I rambled a little, he was like, so... wait why did you bring this up? (HAH) I said Oh, I just wanted to complain... He nodded, Right, uh-huh, and then I said, Well, part of me feels like I should be involved with him... I looked at him, he was looking at me, lipbit, browraised, Because, you know, he's like my age and in my industry and... And it sounds like he's hardworking? Yeah! And like he means well? Yes, yes, definitely... ... ...

His feet were close to me and I touched them with mine a bunch of times. And he played with his hair a lot.

And it one point I was looking at his socks and pants and I said, Is that blue and blue? And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said, looking at his shoes, and black. And he said Mmm-hmm. And I said looking at him from top to bottom, feet to hair, Black and blue and blue and white and blue and black. And he said, Mmm-hmm.

And then, I didn't even know where I was going with it, but I told him about Carly and her sister, and I started talking about the dreams and I kept stopping and I just wanted to tell him really but I ended up saying, that, Well all the dreams... can be consuming...

How are they consuming?

It's just, I don't know, I sort of, feel like I live in this fantasy world, I'm always in it, and, it takes me so long to do anything, it's hard to get all these things done that's another reason, because, I'm always in these dreams and thoughts, and I just feel disconnected from reality, often...

And he nodded and paused and did this incredible thing with sweeping his hair out of his eyes and said, Well, I think, I mean I could be- I'm not sure I'm following exactly, but, I think, with people that have very active fantasy lives, they end up sort of, just waiting for it to come true... instead of... Well... It's like, well, I'm not sure what the fantasy IS, you haven't described anything specific, I don't know what the GOAL is...

And I sort of giggled... He was looking away the whole time and didn't look over at me but sort of slightly smiled, and kept going,

But it's important to, whatever the fantasy is, regardless of whether it's... going to happen, just to be present and that... even if it's not happening, right NOW, you're still in... right now, and be mindful of that moment...

I try.

And you're able to, push through, and get things done.

Yes, slowly...

So then, the clock ran out, I looked back it, I felt sort of frustrated, he told what the co-pay was, that all the May sessions were covered... and there was just a co-pay...

I started writing the check and he gave me a pen and he was standing and then he sat back down in front of me, and said, I like your CD...

I sort of beamed, Oh!

I listened to it once, I couldn't listen to it very carefully, because I was doing other things... but, was the first one also the Gipsy Kings?

No, it's Paco de Lucia.

Oh, and he walked over next to me to his CD player and pressed play.

I slid my way up onto the arm of the couch, writing at like 3 letters per minute on the check, Did you translate the Spanish?

No, I couldn't pay attention to the words, what are they?

Well... I only know them... phonetically, like, here-- he turned it up-- You have to fast forward a bunch to get to the words...

Oh, I can't, on this thing...

Oh, oh wait let me see-- I stood up next to him in front of it-- Did you try holding it down?

No, and I held it down, and it started fast-forwarding, and I smiled, and he said, Oh, well, I guess I can... and I waited til I heard the singing, and he said Ok there, and he reached in, and I let go a little late, and it was halfway through the words, and then I rewound, and he said Ok! And I stopped it, and he turned it up again, and we stood there... and he walked back to his desk and kind of paced...

And he said, I think he's saying... and he said something beautiful in Spanish that I can't remember exactly but it sounded so good and I said,

Oh! That sounds exactly like it!

And he laughed, and we talked a little about the Spanish "r" and he kept pacing and he was totally kind of nervous and I was almost shaking a little, even though I was totally in Come-On mode, I was wearing this sort of garter type thing I make with the top elastic of thigh-highs, I just cut it off of them when they get ripped and wear it by itself, under shorts or something, just one, and I played with it a little... and he was walking back and forth, and I finally gave him the check, and sort of lingered, but he retracted his hand like lightning again, hah, and went back over to his desk and sort of half sat on it, and I told him I would find the words and he said, Ok, good! And then we talked about the Gipsy Kings and he said, Well, I mean he is kind of similar, right?

And I said, yeah, but, they're a lot more pop-

Okay, I know you have a more refined ear than I do, but-

I said No, no, it's a similar style-

In Spain there is that musical tradition-

It's flamenco guitar, I remember my dad playing it-

Oh! Really?

From when I was like four-

Oh,

But I mean Gipsy Kings...

Are from France right?

Like- between-

The Basque region...

Yeah, but...

It is in-

They have like a cover of Hotel California, I mean-

Oh, really?

Yeah! And like, I Did it My Way, that...

Oh right, A Mi Manera...

Yes. Just like that. Can you say that again?

:::full-on blush::: What? A Mi- ::too self-conscious. Laughs::

Oh here's your-

Thank you- ::again, with the hand retraction:: So I'll see you on Friday.

Yes.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

WARNING:

Do not, anyone, please, give me any advice right now. Please. Don't. Give me advice. Or anything that sounds even remotely close to being advice. Don't bring it up. Don't, anything. PLEASE. RESPECTFULLY. I DON'T want to talk about it. It's not up for discussion.

a) I KNOW
b) I DON'T CARE
c) Just, NO.

Scarlet gotta do Scarlet right now. I don't wanna hear it. It's nothing personal. It's just that I know. Okay? Okay. THANK YOU.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:57 PM, Scarlet O'Dwyer scarletonthecouch@gmail.com wrote:
por favor. if you can. im going to lie here face down til you do. but you wont will you. sadist. god i love you. well there goes my week. <3>

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:51 PM, Julian Darcy Ph.D. julian@jdarcypsych.com wrote:
Scarlet,

I don't have any openings so I could do 1-2 minutes between sessions if its urgent. Let me know.

Thx,

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology, English and Spanish
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Date: Tue, 11 May 2010 13:23:04 -0700
Subject:
From: scarletonthecouch@gmail.co
To: julian@jdarcypsych.com

Can you please call me please? My head is going to explode. Say you can't if you can't. And I'll try to detonate the bomb. But if you can please... THANK-YOU J

Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox.

CrazyTelepathRoomSex

Oh, my dearest God. I just had crazy-telepath room-sex. With Julian. As he stared me down for an hour slightly smirking shifting his legs around close to me then back and biting his lip and I stared him back down and then he kept staring definitely winning the crazytelepathroomsex award and doing it veeeeeeeeery deliberately and asking me Aren't you going to verbalize what you're thinking and I said No and then I said I'm tense and then I said And you're making me tenser and he said How am I doing that and I said the way you're looking at me as he was looking me up and down and straight and enjoying the hell out of it as I squeezed my legs together and then his pillow and trembled and flushed and blushed into a sweat and said Ohgod and he said What and he would slowly ask me some question and watch as I blanked and sighed and whenever I talked about anything he deliberately looked bored and I just wrote him to please call me please and if he does what do I say. What do I say. What do I say. Hey Julian whaaaaaaaaatareyoudoing. What are you doing. If there's gonna be crazytelepathroomsex can you at least call me a cab after cuz I can't fuckin' drive right now thanks-much.

WHAT the F?????

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Blush

I've been blushing and flushing all day but I missed Dr. Darcy's call at six. I didn't even miss it. I picked up, and it hung up, or something, I called back six times like a crackhead. He was calling from his office. He wrote me at like eight that he wouldn't have another opportunity to call me tonight unless it's an emergency but we're on for seven tomorrow.

He signed off with "Best,"

:-(

Probably time to invest in a goddamn vibrator.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf, wolf, wolf...

After some thought... or maybe just 12 hours of a gradual return to my heart's BPM, at four in the morning, I reali3ed: What the F. At the rate he's offering me, I can totally afford to pay once a week out-of-pocket. It's not even an issue. What the F. I was thinking like, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sure he'll have some ideas... Though I don't know if he'll share them...

Of course before that revelation, after sitting in his office in shock-- ("Well, I'm going to give you some tests to show as further evidence, and another alarmingly worded letter, though they don't seem to respond to that, and, otherwise, we can work something out, I mean... I guess I'm avoiding the feelings brought on by this by suggesting ways around it...")-- I took the tests, and watched another patient enter his office... and went home and bawled, and wrote a few e-mails, all about how I knew this was going to happen, and maybe it meant something, and I'd been thinking about it, and I needed to talk to him before deciding anything... I called his office and he didn't call back... which is weird, and inconsiderate. I'd assume he was trying to get rid of me except that he told me he thinks I should be coming in twice, and is offering me a price like one third of what he would normally charge, and is going through some lengths to appeal these evil people. But then at 4 a.m. I just had a panic about not seeing him, and as I wrote him to please not change my time slots, I reali3ed that actually paying for the second session was not a big deal at ALL.

That's what I got. Last night I saw Cam, who I haven't seen in like 6 months either. I'd thought about him on Thursday, because the stupid teenage vampire romance novel I'm reading has a character whose description couldn't be anyone BUT Cam, among other things... And the next day, he wrote me, out of the blue. He's a model, and he was on this TV show, and now he's doing some music video and wants me to be in it. He picked me up after Psych (oh- to which I was late again- not even by much- like 10 minutes out of a 3 hour class, but of course during those 10 minutes he gave a qui3 that someone told me was worth half the exam. DUDE. If I get like 100's on the exams and don't get an A, I'll go on a killing spree... I don't care much about grades, hell, I'm 23 and just starting community college, but, F, I'm paying for it, and I need like a perfect GPA to transfer to the really good state school with a scholarship, should I actually continue with this school thing, though I'd have to change a lot to really do it, because at the rate of 2 classes a semester, it's going to take me 78 or 79 years to get there. Anyway.)- he was really late, but looked incredible as always, and we went to a bar, and he got me a couple drinks, and he was really nice and complimentary and sweet, as he always has been to me... Really like that character in the book, who is the ultra seductive teen foil to the protagonist chick and he fated true love-- i.e. Satan.

I sent Philip Stone* my music website. He responded first thing this morning and said he sent it out to some people he knows. I was tossing and turning all night and when I saw I had an e-mail at the time of morning I looked and I was so thoroughly stoked. He's AWESOME. And truly, the best writer around right now. Truly. I'm not the only one who thinks so... some huge lit publications have said so too... the best to have emerged in a decade, and stuff. So I'm really pretty stoked.

I slept through class today but I had to. I got back from drinks w Cam at like 2 30 despite my insistence that it was a schoolnight. I had a lot of fun though. He talks a LOT. But he's really gorgeous and his attention feels pretty good too.

*Obviously.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I really wrote him a funny one...

In response to the article... and then a crazy tangent I went on, little pieces of my psych homework, which will crack him up, and confuse my professor, and get me thrown out of community college if said prof didn't have a sense of humor... hahaha... and then another tangent about something he said today... about not believing in the one right person for everyone...

I feel... I can't wait for Thursday. OMG. I really can't.