Okay well Bathwater didn't post another Truth exercise so I'm off the hook.
I talk to P for like 4 hours a day. We're just laughing about how we're shut up in our rooms for months and people think we're flaky and out spending time with other people and neglecting them and get hurt and just don't understand, don't get it, the staying in and writing artist shit. "Friday night, in the crib..." he said. Yup.
I'm really just blown away by C and I sent P (too lazy to come up with names right now hahaha) just this electronic arrangement and me just laying down the piano and vocals for reference recording we just did, and he's freaking out over it, and I sent it to one other person and he FREAKED over it, and I'm freaking over it, and C's freaking over it, and finally in my life I'm just like, Okay, okay, okay this is good... this is really good... I don't know what's gonna come of it, but it's kind of really exciting...
And the show with P is gonna be fucking GOOD... and that's kind of REALLY exciting... and I'm realizing... I have NOT been doing nothing. Holed up in here? Yes. Losing touch with some friends? Unfortunately yes. Fantasizing about J and having no personal life besides? Yup. But I just... just realize... this is some... real shit... for lack of a better expression. And I did not waste a year. NOTHING was a waste. I'm talking about with P, he's a writer (and director and producer and business genius and yeah, workaholic, artist) and he tells me he does the same thing, and I NO LONGER feel bad about it, or like a waste, it's who I am, I'm an artist, I create, and this is the process, for me.
And it might at the expense of a lot of other things. But. What are ya gonna do?
And we talked about also, real friendship. And it's people that get you. That get THAT. Aren't offended by it. Listen. Cut to the chase. And don't judge. Don't judge. Never, ever judge.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
All work and no Play, boy.
I think.
That you guys are right.
I had two hours of sleep last night, I just couldn't sleep, and I was so tired, but I ended up writing a lot of music... I'm kinda stoked about it... ks I'm gonna link you too... LOL.
And I had made plans to go real early in the morning to a dance class and then yoga right after with Celine... I gotta keep myself busy now and I wanna stay in touch with my friends, especially decent classy people... and I finally gave the damn super so much hell, I mean not hell, just like, listen up asshole, no more fucking around or trying to get over on me. And I came home and ALL my shit was fixed. All the clogged sinks and the missing screen and everything.
I hadn't worked out in ages and I ran all the way to the class and then swam cuz I was early and deposited my check in the bank and then did the classes and man-- I love dancing so much-- I love it onstage but I mean this class was like hardcore salsa and I forgot how much FUN dancing is and how much I used to love it before I got so burnt out with the ballet...
And Celine's real cool...
And I'm thinking-- I can't even tell like 99% of these people about my JOB. If I started doing Playboy shit, I mean... There's no hiding that and Kris you're right, it would change the way I see myself, and it would change everything, and for what, $500 bucks? And then a future being a bl0wup doll?
And Bathwater yes. I'm making myself start eating. Pizza sounds amazing but out here on the west coast, well, it's like the same as it was in pennsyltucky... but I lived in NYC when I was in the company and I KNOW pizza. so maybe mexican?
love and lotsa carbs,
S-O
That you guys are right.
I had two hours of sleep last night, I just couldn't sleep, and I was so tired, but I ended up writing a lot of music... I'm kinda stoked about it... ks I'm gonna link you too... LOL.
And I had made plans to go real early in the morning to a dance class and then yoga right after with Celine... I gotta keep myself busy now and I wanna stay in touch with my friends, especially decent classy people... and I finally gave the damn super so much hell, I mean not hell, just like, listen up asshole, no more fucking around or trying to get over on me. And I came home and ALL my shit was fixed. All the clogged sinks and the missing screen and everything.
I hadn't worked out in ages and I ran all the way to the class and then swam cuz I was early and deposited my check in the bank and then did the classes and man-- I love dancing so much-- I love it onstage but I mean this class was like hardcore salsa and I forgot how much FUN dancing is and how much I used to love it before I got so burnt out with the ballet...
And Celine's real cool...
And I'm thinking-- I can't even tell like 99% of these people about my JOB. If I started doing Playboy shit, I mean... There's no hiding that and Kris you're right, it would change the way I see myself, and it would change everything, and for what, $500 bucks? And then a future being a bl0wup doll?
And Bathwater yes. I'm making myself start eating. Pizza sounds amazing but out here on the west coast, well, it's like the same as it was in pennsyltucky... but I lived in NYC when I was in the company and I KNOW pizza. so maybe mexican?
love and lotsa carbs,
S-O
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Liar, Liar
I went to get my hair done today
I was talking to my stylist
I said something about "next door to my shrink"
She said, Oh, you have a therapist? Nearby? Cuz I'm looking for a new therapist...
I said, well I told her the address.
She said, Oh, are you seeing Julian? Darcy?
She said she saw him for two years, and she left because she felt she couldn't really talk about relationships with him because he wasn't very helpful and she just didn't feel comfortable like he didn't get her and that also one time he recommended this movie to her (a dark kinda sick twisted movie that I've talked about with him-- and he'd said, I actually had one patient get really upset with me for recommending that movie so I took it off my site) because it really disturbed her...
I said, Oh, my god I can't believe you were seeing him
She said Why, what, what? Has he helped you a lot?
I said Yeah...
She said Yeah, he's very intelligent, and compassionate, I dunno he just didn't really get me... and then she said, What? She said, Are you, you're attracted to him?
I said, Yeah
She said, Yeah, he's beautiful, I mean, I totally understand. She said, What, are you like? You're in love with him...
I said, Yeah
She said, Oh, yeah, I totally get it, I'm sure he gets that, from lots of people I mean yeah he's hot.
I shook my head and started tearing up, there in the salon chair.
She said Oh no! What, are you really crying? No, why, I totally understand!
I said, I just, you don't even... It's...
She said, What, does he know, did you tell him?
I said, Oh god. God. Yes. He knows. He really knows. I can't believe you saw him...
She said, Small world, right?
And I sat there in shock, and she stopped doing my hair, and I told her, because I could finally tell someone who knew him... About all the stuff... And how I'm consumed by him and have been for a year. And she said, So it's not even therapy they're just mini dates for you... and they are for him too. Why don't you stop seeing him and date him?
Well, I mean he's MARRIED and--
What? He's not married...
Yes, he is, and he has children...
No, he doesn't... No... I asked him... unless it was in the last, like, YEAR and--
Well, he did just have a child in May-
Oh, so he met someone and had, oh that makes sense-
But no, he has two kids too, that are five and seven--
What?
.......She said she could probably find out for me... She said, she saw how upset I was, she said I needed to stop seeing him, that it was consuming me, that she knows how it is and I probably can't stop now but I could cut down to once a week and that I should really find someone else because I'm going to need to see someone else to get over this that I probably can't do it alone, and that if I'm still interested in him in six months I should call him, but as I was sobbing and shaking my head and she was telling me how she'd been into this guy for seven years and he was older too and he was always just giving enough so that she stayed and how she was consumed by him and how she would get through her day doing makeup or hair by fantasizing about him, and how she wouldn't go out, because she preferred to be home, living in her head, dreaming about him, and I said, God, oh my god, yes, and I thought why, why would he, tell me he had children I mean to make me feel and that I was entirely consumed and that it made me wonder if I was just crazy and he was just oblivious and she said He is a very INTELLIGENT person, and he knows this, and he knows that your life is frozen right now, and he is KEEPING it that way, and it's very, very selfish, and I don't want to upset you, but, honestly, it's almost abusive.
And she said I know you can't quit right now, but--
And I said, No. No. I'm done. And I was crying and I said God, god, I don't even know what to do right now... I said I know I'm going to go to the bank so I can pay you... and she laughed and told me the price and I went to the bank, in shock, and I got out the money and I gave her a really big tip because she also just does a fantastic job and she gave me her phone number and said I could call her whenever and I went home and then I called the dealer and I got some drugs and I wrote Julian an e-mail saying that I know he's conveniently out of town but that this is an emergency.
And I don't want to talk to him about it over the phone. I will go there on Friday and I will ask him everything, and tell him everything, and ask for my money back for the last month.
And until then I'm just going to try to let the time pass. Somehow.
I was talking to my stylist
I said something about "next door to my shrink"
She said, Oh, you have a therapist? Nearby? Cuz I'm looking for a new therapist...
I said, well I told her the address.
She said, Oh, are you seeing Julian? Darcy?
She said she saw him for two years, and she left because she felt she couldn't really talk about relationships with him because he wasn't very helpful and she just didn't feel comfortable like he didn't get her and that also one time he recommended this movie to her (a dark kinda sick twisted movie that I've talked about with him-- and he'd said, I actually had one patient get really upset with me for recommending that movie so I took it off my site) because it really disturbed her...
I said, Oh, my god I can't believe you were seeing him
She said Why, what, what? Has he helped you a lot?
I said Yeah...
She said Yeah, he's very intelligent, and compassionate, I dunno he just didn't really get me... and then she said, What? She said, Are you, you're attracted to him?
I said, Yeah
She said, Yeah, he's beautiful, I mean, I totally understand. She said, What, are you like? You're in love with him...
I said, Yeah
She said, Oh, yeah, I totally get it, I'm sure he gets that, from lots of people I mean yeah he's hot.
I shook my head and started tearing up, there in the salon chair.
She said Oh no! What, are you really crying? No, why, I totally understand!
I said, I just, you don't even... It's...
She said, What, does he know, did you tell him?
I said, Oh god. God. Yes. He knows. He really knows. I can't believe you saw him...
She said, Small world, right?
And I sat there in shock, and she stopped doing my hair, and I told her, because I could finally tell someone who knew him... About all the stuff... And how I'm consumed by him and have been for a year. And she said, So it's not even therapy they're just mini dates for you... and they are for him too. Why don't you stop seeing him and date him?
Well, I mean he's MARRIED and--
What? He's not married...
Yes, he is, and he has children...
No, he doesn't... No... I asked him... unless it was in the last, like, YEAR and--
Well, he did just have a child in May-
Oh, so he met someone and had, oh that makes sense-
But no, he has two kids too, that are five and seven--
What?
.......She said she could probably find out for me... She said, she saw how upset I was, she said I needed to stop seeing him, that it was consuming me, that she knows how it is and I probably can't stop now but I could cut down to once a week and that I should really find someone else because I'm going to need to see someone else to get over this that I probably can't do it alone, and that if I'm still interested in him in six months I should call him, but as I was sobbing and shaking my head and she was telling me how she'd been into this guy for seven years and he was older too and he was always just giving enough so that she stayed and how she was consumed by him and how she would get through her day doing makeup or hair by fantasizing about him, and how she wouldn't go out, because she preferred to be home, living in her head, dreaming about him, and I said, God, oh my god, yes, and I thought why, why would he, tell me he had children I mean to make me feel and that I was entirely consumed and that it made me wonder if I was just crazy and he was just oblivious and she said He is a very INTELLIGENT person, and he knows this, and he knows that your life is frozen right now, and he is KEEPING it that way, and it's very, very selfish, and I don't want to upset you, but, honestly, it's almost abusive.
And she said I know you can't quit right now, but--
And I said, No. No. I'm done. And I was crying and I said God, god, I don't even know what to do right now... I said I know I'm going to go to the bank so I can pay you... and she laughed and told me the price and I went to the bank, in shock, and I got out the money and I gave her a really big tip because she also just does a fantastic job and she gave me her phone number and said I could call her whenever and I went home and then I called the dealer and I got some drugs and I wrote Julian an e-mail saying that I know he's conveniently out of town but that this is an emergency.
And I don't want to talk to him about it over the phone. I will go there on Friday and I will ask him everything, and tell him everything, and ask for my money back for the last month.
And until then I'm just going to try to let the time pass. Somehow.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Aaaaand what else is new.
Never mind about Naima being back on the team. Drove all the way to the west side to pick her up, she didn't have my stuff I left, we drove all the way east to Julian's magic forest carousel where the hike was, and she read the waiver that said they're not responsible for death or whatever-- the usual shit-- and said "I cannot do this. You have to drive me back. One time I went on a hike and almost DIED" and babbled on and on about that and I was SO disappointed and I drove her all the way back and just dropped her off, she babbled about herself the whole three hours this took, didn't apologize... I feel like shit.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Urg.
Ok. I'm starting to get a little... need some space with this cool neighbor thing... she's still really great, no change in that, it's just she wanted me to take her running yesterday, so I did, and I realize- I really want to fucking BE ALONE when I run. And to the yoga class at the gym today. And I ended up paying for her membership. And to work tonight. And honestly, she's fine at work, but I kinda don't like being friends with anyone at work... And she hasn't gone in by herself yet, and she suggested it, and said, Oh, I'll just go in at 10 o clock. Oh let me just have Vinnie's number and I'll call him. And I'm like... Ugh... please don't just go in at 10 o clock. That's not the time you're supposed to go in, I'LL fucking get shit for it, I know I do it, but like, you've gone in ONCE. Vinnie made a joke- Don't teach her bad habits, I don't need another Casper! Like, it's TOO FUCKING MUCH. TOO FUCKING MUCH. She never has cigarettes, and she doesn't have a car, and it's just like, her friend Dan brought me a keyboard, and they took photos of my show, and she's come to two, so it's not like it's not reciprocated, it's just a little too much. It's just too many aspects of my life being shared right now. I wanted to go to the gym when I felt like it, and swim, and take a class, and then she was like You have to take me to the gym today, I have to work out before this shoot (which was a bullshit modeling job, not even real, and I knew it as soon as she told me about it, the guy was chatting with her on Skype, and talking about a contract, and all kinds of unrealistic unprofessional BS, but I didn't want to burst her bubble too much. But then she wasn't ready, and we got there and spent 20 minutes figuring out her membership, and then after the class she was texting with the guy, and stressing, and I just wanted to get out of there.
It was not the way I wanted to decompress.
In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.
It was not the way I wanted to decompress.
In fact I'm more irritable now then before. And now it's like I can't just go into work whenever I want. And I'm stressed about it. Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
I REALLY like my privacy and my independence. I had it made with the club. I don't like this.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Fell Along
I am not wasting another navelgrazing word on him.
Seriously.
It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.
My good god.
I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...
She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.
She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!
So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.
We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.
I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.
I don't have a whole bunch of money.
I need to stop seeing him.
I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.
And it's breaking me.
I'm broke.
Seriously.
It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.
My good god.
I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...
She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.
She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!
So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.
We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.
I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.
I don't have a whole bunch of money.
I need to stop seeing him.
I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.
And it's breaking me.
I'm broke.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
actually
actually i'm in a really shit mood. i feel like anyone in my life just feels sorry for me and thinks i'm this mess of a loser. sunny feels sorry for me. she always acts like it. naima thinks i'm a self-obsessed wreck now after last night. celine can't stand me either. all the men just want to sleep with me, not because i'm attractive but because they think i'm a slut and talentless and desperate. julian is my doctor. it's his job to be nice to me, and he probably flirts with me because he wants me to have some self-esteem. cam is done with me. manny's not my friend anymore because his wife hates me. z thinks i'm a fucking knowitall dilettante. carly just got engaged. i'm going nowhere in life.
i feel fat and lazy and like every time my i feel good about myself it's just mania-based delusion. because these are the facts. i'm selfish and i don't keep up with people and even this writing is fucking selfish loser bullshit. i have to go to sunny's because she came to my show out of pity. but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i'm broke. and the only reason i'm not evicted is because P came through and gave me some money and i got another check from the movie. otherwise i'd have been in the red. my car's about to fall apart. my phone's falling apart and i can't afford a new anything because i ruin everything because i'm a fucking loser.
i can't keep any friends because i'm too lazy and selfish.
the end.
i feel fat and lazy and like every time my i feel good about myself it's just mania-based delusion. because these are the facts. i'm selfish and i don't keep up with people and even this writing is fucking selfish loser bullshit. i have to go to sunny's because she came to my show out of pity. but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i'm broke. and the only reason i'm not evicted is because P came through and gave me some money and i got another check from the movie. otherwise i'd have been in the red. my car's about to fall apart. my phone's falling apart and i can't afford a new anything because i ruin everything because i'm a fucking loser.
i can't keep any friends because i'm too lazy and selfish.
the end.
Fourth of July
So, today is the fourth of July, and I was invited up to Mal-au-booboo, but I am not going... Cuz I really gotta go to work.
Vinnie called me again Friday night as I was on my way to my show and actually sounded kinda pissed, even though I'd left him a buncha messages last week saying I had this show, etc... and I really, really need to make some dough. I was gonna go last night but I woke up yesterday feeling a little sick, so I texted him and he said it was fine... But I gotta go tonight. If we're open that is, which I assume we are...
Also it's my friend Sunny's birthday. Sunny, as I said, is an angel, who came to my show Friday and also gave me a ticket to this play yesterday that was really awesome. So she's having a get together Im gonna go to for a couple hours before work... Sigh, work. I'm so overit right now.
Friday's show actually went awesome, N and C and Emmy and an old friend from an acting class I took, Christine, was there with her boyfriend, and Sunny and a guy I was gonna work on some music with and his boyfriend, and a friend E who came to my last show that I met at the club... there was an audience there too, but other than that, none of my "friends" who CONFIRMED they'd be there for the second time.
So I was just in a hideous mood. Just hideous.
When I saw how late it was running, and how many FRIENDZ didn't show up, I was just like, to the sound guy, just cancel it, you might as well shut down, and he was like, well Leo's coming to see you (the club guy/booker), and he never leaves his house.
But I went up, and they let me play a way longer set, and people were actually singing along to some of my covers, and I got a bunch of cards after... and Leo talked to me after, and said he wanted to talk to me about my music. I just assumed, he was hitting me, cuz that's the way of this goddamn world. But then I talked to him, and he wrote me this really eloquent straight-up e-mail in response saying Yeah I thought you were attractive, I'm not gonna lie, but when I heard you I was seriously impressed. I've started the careers of a lot of well known artists. You should ask around about me. I wouldn't do that because it would hurt my reputation musically, and my integrity, more importantly. But I respect you for throwing it out there... Sure I'd like to hang out and get to know you but music comes first.
And I did ask around about him. And it's good.
He wants to play a show together at a couple really popular here, like his band and mine (or me rather, band lackthereof), and he can get anyone to come... So... we'll see... He also told me I need a band, strings and drums (and he described the kind of drumming -"textures"- my word!) and I am totally stoked.
But we'll see.
Right now I'm in a shit mood cuz my throat still hurts and I have so much to do.
Vinnie called me again Friday night as I was on my way to my show and actually sounded kinda pissed, even though I'd left him a buncha messages last week saying I had this show, etc... and I really, really need to make some dough. I was gonna go last night but I woke up yesterday feeling a little sick, so I texted him and he said it was fine... But I gotta go tonight. If we're open that is, which I assume we are...
Also it's my friend Sunny's birthday. Sunny, as I said, is an angel, who came to my show Friday and also gave me a ticket to this play yesterday that was really awesome. So she's having a get together Im gonna go to for a couple hours before work... Sigh, work. I'm so overit right now.
Friday's show actually went awesome, N and C and Emmy and an old friend from an acting class I took, Christine, was there with her boyfriend, and Sunny and a guy I was gonna work on some music with and his boyfriend, and a friend E who came to my last show that I met at the club... there was an audience there too, but other than that, none of my "friends" who CONFIRMED they'd be there for the second time.
So I was just in a hideous mood. Just hideous.
When I saw how late it was running, and how many FRIENDZ didn't show up, I was just like, to the sound guy, just cancel it, you might as well shut down, and he was like, well Leo's coming to see you (the club guy/booker), and he never leaves his house.
But I went up, and they let me play a way longer set, and people were actually singing along to some of my covers, and I got a bunch of cards after... and Leo talked to me after, and said he wanted to talk to me about my music. I just assumed, he was hitting me, cuz that's the way of this goddamn world. But then I talked to him, and he wrote me this really eloquent straight-up e-mail in response saying Yeah I thought you were attractive, I'm not gonna lie, but when I heard you I was seriously impressed. I've started the careers of a lot of well known artists. You should ask around about me. I wouldn't do that because it would hurt my reputation musically, and my integrity, more importantly. But I respect you for throwing it out there... Sure I'd like to hang out and get to know you but music comes first.
And I did ask around about him. And it's good.
He wants to play a show together at a couple really popular here, like his band and mine (or me rather, band lackthereof), and he can get anyone to come... So... we'll see... He also told me I need a band, strings and drums (and he described the kind of drumming -"textures"- my word!) and I am totally stoked.
But we'll see.
Right now I'm in a shit mood cuz my throat still hurts and I have so much to do.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Dernier Soir
Last night Ceci's party was a tremendous success.
Beautiful apartment with a beautiful view and beautiful C, all the guests were C types, the cook the thief the wife and his lover... Chef J who she's been telling me about forever I finally met, he made the dinner and it was all kinds of incredible, I mean he went all out with like 8 huge pots of stewed amazing, there were gnarly margaritas I pretended to drink, Chef's boyfriend Alonzo, another girl who I vaguely remembered from the ballet company with C, and this girl who came in and spoke French and knew all these people I used to work with when I was in the old band cuz we had this minor hit there.... She told me she just bought a stage piano keyboard (kurzweiler=drool city) and she cant play, but its always been a dream of hers too, so I said I'd give her lessons and told her about my show...
We were sitting outside on C's amazing patio with the view drinking the wine she brought (thank god cuz I couldnt, with those margaritas, man) when I noticed this just STUNNING, I mean fucking dropdead 11 out of 10 girl looking at me inside so we went over and she and her friend were French too... so the French contingent hung there at the table in the corner and I was talking to the girl and she looked so familiar and finally I realized she's R.O. this actress that I f'in SWEAT, whose first big movie I saw with JayGray years ago when we were dating, and was like holy demon balls that girl is fucking SOMETHING... and we hit it off like BAM and she's kind of standoffish seeming and kind of a ballbuster but I like my balls busted, she kept correcting my French, like every grammatical error, it was so cute, I was like R youre gonna wear yourself out, she's like no you're like 90% i'm just making it 100, if you were any lower I wouldnt bother, so we were really getting along and she was just trained on me all night, and me on her, obviously (but not a Sappho) situation, so we all exchanged info and Naima the one with the Kurz invited me over to see her place and hang and mess around on the Kurz and she's gonna let me use it on Friday night AND theyre all coming
So I'm stoked right now.
Beautiful apartment with a beautiful view and beautiful C, all the guests were C types, the cook the thief the wife and his lover... Chef J who she's been telling me about forever I finally met, he made the dinner and it was all kinds of incredible, I mean he went all out with like 8 huge pots of stewed amazing, there were gnarly margaritas I pretended to drink, Chef's boyfriend Alonzo, another girl who I vaguely remembered from the ballet company with C, and this girl who came in and spoke French and knew all these people I used to work with when I was in the old band cuz we had this minor hit there.... She told me she just bought a stage piano keyboard (kurzweiler=drool city) and she cant play, but its always been a dream of hers too, so I said I'd give her lessons and told her about my show...
We were sitting outside on C's amazing patio with the view drinking the wine she brought (thank god cuz I couldnt, with those margaritas, man) when I noticed this just STUNNING, I mean fucking dropdead 11 out of 10 girl looking at me inside so we went over and she and her friend were French too... so the French contingent hung there at the table in the corner and I was talking to the girl and she looked so familiar and finally I realized she's R.O. this actress that I f'in SWEAT, whose first big movie I saw with JayGray years ago when we were dating, and was like holy demon balls that girl is fucking SOMETHING... and we hit it off like BAM and she's kind of standoffish seeming and kind of a ballbuster but I like my balls busted, she kept correcting my French, like every grammatical error, it was so cute, I was like R youre gonna wear yourself out, she's like no you're like 90% i'm just making it 100, if you were any lower I wouldnt bother, so we were really getting along and she was just trained on me all night, and me on her, obviously (but not a Sappho) situation, so we all exchanged info and Naima the one with the Kurz invited me over to see her place and hang and mess around on the Kurz and she's gonna let me use it on Friday night AND theyre all coming
So I'm stoked right now.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Just straight whining here.
the sun in this town is one of the gnarlier things i've ever experienced. i just went running and it was like, my shadow was like 6" long everywhere, no relief, beating down on me like an abusive husband. but i did it. short one though. 3 miles and a mile cooldown. it was miserable.
elena called me. last night i did it and went to the beach, and i couldnt even relax because she called me when i was walking around the water and started moaning about some irrelevant shit the entire time and i soothed her and explained it all and broke it down and then she decided to say the thing that i have a million times asked her NOT to say because i DONT need to hear it and its just discouraging and not helping me in any way to just keep repeating and she just kept turning it around on me and i was so agitated by the time i left....
and she just called me now and is still on it, and i'm like, Dude.
i don't even tell her anything anymore and... well i know it comes in waves...
Also. like. she is constantly saying like, our situations arent the same, but theyre equivalent, like, the emotional stuff she has to deal with when she asks her mom for money is just as bad...?! as worrying one will have nae a roof over their heads? and being totally alone? um, no. besides. she wouldnt have to deal with any emotional shit from her mom if she didnt act like a total brat with her i mean the things she tells me!!! like, my mom said this and this and this to me, is it true, why did she say that, and im like, because elena. you acted like a total brat. you are 35 years old. and in your mothers house and stop causing drama and show some respect and... but i said it all funny and soft and made her laugh and then she says just straight brutal things to me sometimes and THEN she starts crying ohhh you always make me feel so much better and its like i can never say anything to make you feel better and dadadada..
ok. ok. ok. whining over.
elena called me. last night i did it and went to the beach, and i couldnt even relax because she called me when i was walking around the water and started moaning about some irrelevant shit the entire time and i soothed her and explained it all and broke it down and then she decided to say the thing that i have a million times asked her NOT to say because i DONT need to hear it and its just discouraging and not helping me in any way to just keep repeating and she just kept turning it around on me and i was so agitated by the time i left....
and she just called me now and is still on it, and i'm like, Dude.
i don't even tell her anything anymore and... well i know it comes in waves...
Also. like. she is constantly saying like, our situations arent the same, but theyre equivalent, like, the emotional stuff she has to deal with when she asks her mom for money is just as bad...?! as worrying one will have nae a roof over their heads? and being totally alone? um, no. besides. she wouldnt have to deal with any emotional shit from her mom if she didnt act like a total brat with her i mean the things she tells me!!! like, my mom said this and this and this to me, is it true, why did she say that, and im like, because elena. you acted like a total brat. you are 35 years old. and in your mothers house and stop causing drama and show some respect and... but i said it all funny and soft and made her laugh and then she says just straight brutal things to me sometimes and THEN she starts crying ohhh you always make me feel so much better and its like i can never say anything to make you feel better and dadadada..
ok. ok. ok. whining over.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Burnout
Well, I'm done. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done with the semester. I completed it, as impractically and ineffectively as possible. But it's done. It's done, and I don't have to worry about homework and papers and getting up in the morning ever again, for a while.
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.
I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....
Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...
Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sober, Somber, Steel
cam is hot. he's really hot. his eyes are huge his eyelashes are incredibly long and curly and he's just super sexy hot. he's tall and model-y but not vain and retarded; he's intelligent and curious about the world, and very sincere and the young little boys just love so much more openly. he has good taste in music. he made me a mix cd tonight.
sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?
but so what.
it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.
but so what.
today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.
and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.
his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.
seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.
i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.
but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.
and none of it's easy.
i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.
d
sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?
but so what.
it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.
but so what.
today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.
and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.
his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.
seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.
i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.
but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.
and none of it's easy.
i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.
d
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Ode to Sunny
Dear Princess Sunny
I present you your crown
You're cool and your funny
Though you live in this town
Somehow you've managed to stay really ama3ing
I hope you don't read this and decide I'm a bra3en [hussy]
I present you your crown
You're cool and your funny
Though you live in this town
Somehow you've managed to stay really ama3ing
I hope you don't read this and decide I'm a bra3en [hussy]
Monday, March 22, 2010
Re: Adult Friendships :-)
Okay, I'm going to take a break from my usual daily planner + descriptive whining-style post and write, in response to Kat (hey if you don't want me calling you that tell me, I don't know why I started it even!) and write about adult friendships, as I have been thinking a lot about them too lately... She went to a seminar and it was one of the topics, so, Der 3eitgeist I guess!
The Proximity Effect
Before friendships become close, they must begin. Before, like, the internet, that wasn't even possible, to meet someone who wasn't right there. When I was a little kid, like 5, I had friends and I had best friends, and I don't remember choosing them. My parents chose them, sometimes based on their opinion of their parents (and then sometimes banished them when that opinion changed...) I don't remember anything before 5, I hardly remember anything before 10, and we moved schools a lot, but my friend from kindergarten Sharon is THE BOMB. She was my best friend for years, even after we switched elementary schools and I moved a couple towns over, and then we lost touch because my mom decided her family was low-class and she couldn't come over anymore... Which is horrible. Luckily I got back in touch with her on Myspace or something several years ago and she's still ama3ing, and god even though we live such different lives, we think the same way, and it's so important for me to have someone that KNEW me then, that remembers me, that recogni3ed things about me when I was six years old that I'd completely lost sight of... She is tough and funny and no nonsense and small-town working class but her mind is open to all corners of the universe and she's bright and outspoken and REAL and caring and JUST, she has character, and she loves her family, and she's just ama3ing.
But yeah, when I was like 11 I couldn't see her anymore... I had another parentally imposed friend, Carly, whose parents were later dismissed in the same way and my mom again tried to limit her coming over even though she really is the sweetest, most conventional, harmless girl. I like her, and I still talk to her, but our lives are different too, which doesn't matter, but our souls are very different, and I don't think she understands me, nor I her, but we still love each other.
But then around that age I started making my own friends in school, and started being aware of social things... I wasn't shy... I was always nice, a little on the outside, because it was a small town and my family didn't fit in. My parents didn't fit it, and didn't have any friends, and my brother didn't fit it... he was really quiet and he had one friend and he was a good student, and he was picked on. And I have no idea how much, cu3 it was never that bad... Well I don't know... it might've been worse than I thought...
But I made myself fit in, though it broke my heart at times and drained me of energy to do so... I had a little group in sixth and seventh grade, we used to have sleepovers every weekend, and make christmas cookies, and go into "town" to go shopping, and play ouija and stuff... We were all pretty creative... Hillary, Julia, Carly and me, and occasionally Allison, or Caroline, or Georgia. Hillary and I were kind of the leaders... and the most "popular" cu3 she played sports I guess, and a lot of boys liked me. And we started getting together alone more often... And we'd get invited to parties... And I guess we started caring... And one day, in the cafeteria, I can't even remember; I blocked it out; I didn't say anything I remember, but Hillary kind of told Julia something... and the two of us went and sat somewhere else... at a more "popular" table...
And then I was alone. I had a lot of friends, and made a lot more, but it was different, but that group in which I was so myself, that state of being so myself, was gone, for a long, long time...
Then high school and all about boys and playing at being a grownup and then adulthood and making new friends from different places, much older, with interesting jobs, and bohemian, and everything changed, those are the adult friendships...
I will to be continued as well...
The Proximity Effect
Before friendships become close, they must begin. Before, like, the internet, that wasn't even possible, to meet someone who wasn't right there. When I was a little kid, like 5, I had friends and I had best friends, and I don't remember choosing them. My parents chose them, sometimes based on their opinion of their parents (and then sometimes banished them when that opinion changed...) I don't remember anything before 5, I hardly remember anything before 10, and we moved schools a lot, but my friend from kindergarten Sharon is THE BOMB. She was my best friend for years, even after we switched elementary schools and I moved a couple towns over, and then we lost touch because my mom decided her family was low-class and she couldn't come over anymore... Which is horrible. Luckily I got back in touch with her on Myspace or something several years ago and she's still ama3ing, and god even though we live such different lives, we think the same way, and it's so important for me to have someone that KNEW me then, that remembers me, that recogni3ed things about me when I was six years old that I'd completely lost sight of... She is tough and funny and no nonsense and small-town working class but her mind is open to all corners of the universe and she's bright and outspoken and REAL and caring and JUST, she has character, and she loves her family, and she's just ama3ing.
But yeah, when I was like 11 I couldn't see her anymore... I had another parentally imposed friend, Carly, whose parents were later dismissed in the same way and my mom again tried to limit her coming over even though she really is the sweetest, most conventional, harmless girl. I like her, and I still talk to her, but our lives are different too, which doesn't matter, but our souls are very different, and I don't think she understands me, nor I her, but we still love each other.
But then around that age I started making my own friends in school, and started being aware of social things... I wasn't shy... I was always nice, a little on the outside, because it was a small town and my family didn't fit in. My parents didn't fit it, and didn't have any friends, and my brother didn't fit it... he was really quiet and he had one friend and he was a good student, and he was picked on. And I have no idea how much, cu3 it was never that bad... Well I don't know... it might've been worse than I thought...
But I made myself fit in, though it broke my heart at times and drained me of energy to do so... I had a little group in sixth and seventh grade, we used to have sleepovers every weekend, and make christmas cookies, and go into "town" to go shopping, and play ouija and stuff... We were all pretty creative... Hillary, Julia, Carly and me, and occasionally Allison, or Caroline, or Georgia. Hillary and I were kind of the leaders... and the most "popular" cu3 she played sports I guess, and a lot of boys liked me. And we started getting together alone more often... And we'd get invited to parties... And I guess we started caring... And one day, in the cafeteria, I can't even remember; I blocked it out; I didn't say anything I remember, but Hillary kind of told Julia something... and the two of us went and sat somewhere else... at a more "popular" table...
And then I was alone. I had a lot of friends, and made a lot more, but it was different, but that group in which I was so myself, that state of being so myself, was gone, for a long, long time...
Then high school and all about boys and playing at being a grownup and then adulthood and making new friends from different places, much older, with interesting jobs, and bohemian, and everything changed, those are the adult friendships...
I will to be continued as well...
Monday, March 15, 2010
God, I feel good.
I really do. I went to class, I love my prof, it was fun and he likes the questions I ask and I ask a lot of questions and... I took the quiz after class, the one from Thursday, not the big test tomorrow, and so did a lot of other people, he didn't even make an issue out of it, at the beginning of class he gave them back to the ones who took them and then was just like, ok, because a lot of people didn't take the quiz yet, look over them and then hand them back and I'll give them back again tomorrow so the ones who didn't take the quiz can take it after class today, does that work?
And I took it and was just like, looking over it when I was done and was like, "Well. Here goes, I guess, staring at it isn't gonna help me now..." And he laughed it and picked it up, and he was like "It works... couple small mistakes..." and he showed me what they were and it was hardly anything... And then I talked to Jo after class and she works for a music licensing company and promoters, and she told me to bring a demo and she'll get me exposure and licensing through the company... So... I made a friend too. Yeah..
And she said I have to make a myspace page. She's the millionth person to say so, so... I'm doing it. Groan.
And I'm sitting here on campus on wifi, outside, and it's pretty, and the students are walking around and birds are chirping, and I have no idea why I didn't do this before... And I'm listening to the Gypsy Kings... And I'm teary from feeling good.. And I'm tired... And it's beautiful.
Love and Looking Up
S-O
I really do. I went to class, I love my prof, it was fun and he likes the questions I ask and I ask a lot of questions and... I took the quiz after class, the one from Thursday, not the big test tomorrow, and so did a lot of other people, he didn't even make an issue out of it, at the beginning of class he gave them back to the ones who took them and then was just like, ok, because a lot of people didn't take the quiz yet, look over them and then hand them back and I'll give them back again tomorrow so the ones who didn't take the quiz can take it after class today, does that work?
And I took it and was just like, looking over it when I was done and was like, "Well. Here goes, I guess, staring at it isn't gonna help me now..." And he laughed it and picked it up, and he was like "It works... couple small mistakes..." and he showed me what they were and it was hardly anything... And then I talked to Jo after class and she works for a music licensing company and promoters, and she told me to bring a demo and she'll get me exposure and licensing through the company... So... I made a friend too. Yeah..
And she said I have to make a myspace page. She's the millionth person to say so, so... I'm doing it. Groan.
And I'm sitting here on campus on wifi, outside, and it's pretty, and the students are walking around and birds are chirping, and I have no idea why I didn't do this before... And I'm listening to the Gypsy Kings... And I'm teary from feeling good.. And I'm tired... And it's beautiful.
Love and Looking Up
S-O
Friday, February 26, 2010
Note to Jessica Aguirre, soon to be Leyenda:
She wrote me an e-mail this morning asking what I had done for her... after my response yesterday saying I was surprised she'd want to blow off a friendship based on the one "decision"...
I haven't responded yet but I'm probably going to say, I don't know, I didn't look at it that way, I've just tried to be there, etc...
But how about THIS: Aside from the hours listening to inflated unrealistic career plans, and actually teach her a routine, and working on her song with her, and teaching techniques, and giving advice about performing, well, what about her coming MARRIAGE??? I've been friends with Manny for years and been getting his side of the Jess story from the beginning... Even before I knew her, I thought she sounded like good news, and always stuck up for her, trying explain her side of the story to him, her perspective, telling him all her good qualities, there were even a couple blowout fights there in the beginning when she was pushing him away and he was like totally done with it, her lashing out and disappearing, and I was like, she just wants attention and assurance that you care, she has a wall up, and he'd be like she's saying it's over, and I'd be like she's freaking out, just give it a couple days, and then call her again, like it didn't happen... And she told me a while ago, that she always pushed people away, but for some reason Manny was always just there-- she was like, I'd do my thing, and freak out and storm off, and then a couple days later, he was always there like, 'hi...' So that made me feel good. And when she was trying to be a model and taking pictures with sketchy guys and he thought she was cheating on him I knew she wasn't and was like no way, she just wants to feel desired... And when she gets on his case to quit his job and become a professional photographer (" ") like all these hacks she knows who are certainly NOT, I'd be like she just wants best for you, and then I'd explain to her that he's an artist, and has no ego, and doesn't care, and that you can't really make money with art unless you take somewhere commercial, and always mediating their arguments and telling them both each others' great qualities.
Well, being their only mutual close friend, I think it all really helped... And if course she doesn't and will never know about it. How's that for being a friend? More important than giving presents. But of course I didn't even think about that. Because I don't keep count. And I'm never gonna tell her, because some things he told me in confidence, because some would make her feel bad, because I don't want to answer. Because that's not the point. Well, she'll realize it soon I think.
Sorry, had to vent.
Julian in an hour.
Lah and Ladida
Scarlet-O
I haven't responded yet but I'm probably going to say, I don't know, I didn't look at it that way, I've just tried to be there, etc...
But how about THIS: Aside from the hours listening to inflated unrealistic career plans, and actually teach her a routine, and working on her song with her, and teaching techniques, and giving advice about performing, well, what about her coming MARRIAGE??? I've been friends with Manny for years and been getting his side of the Jess story from the beginning... Even before I knew her, I thought she sounded like good news, and always stuck up for her, trying explain her side of the story to him, her perspective, telling him all her good qualities, there were even a couple blowout fights there in the beginning when she was pushing him away and he was like totally done with it, her lashing out and disappearing, and I was like, she just wants attention and assurance that you care, she has a wall up, and he'd be like she's saying it's over, and I'd be like she's freaking out, just give it a couple days, and then call her again, like it didn't happen... And she told me a while ago, that she always pushed people away, but for some reason Manny was always just there-- she was like, I'd do my thing, and freak out and storm off, and then a couple days later, he was always there like, 'hi...' So that made me feel good. And when she was trying to be a model and taking pictures with sketchy guys and he thought she was cheating on him I knew she wasn't and was like no way, she just wants to feel desired... And when she gets on his case to quit his job and become a professional photographer (" ") like all these hacks she knows who are certainly NOT, I'd be like she just wants best for you, and then I'd explain to her that he's an artist, and has no ego, and doesn't care, and that you can't really make money with art unless you take somewhere commercial, and always mediating their arguments and telling them both each others' great qualities.
Well, being their only mutual close friend, I think it all really helped... And if course she doesn't and will never know about it. How's that for being a friend? More important than giving presents. But of course I didn't even think about that. Because I don't keep count. And I'm never gonna tell her, because some things he told me in confidence, because some would make her feel bad, because I don't want to answer. Because that's not the point. Well, she'll realize it soon I think.
Sorry, had to vent.
Julian in an hour.
Lah and Ladida
Scarlet-O
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Should I be worried?
This is a picture Manny took of me in my Halloween costume as Marilyn.. I think it's small enough and I'm in costume enough to be safe. I could be wrong. It's 2.
I said I'd go to bed by 12. I think if I just went to bed, I'd be asleep by now. Now I'm "playing Blues Brothers" like J said, "Well, if you can't turn off the light or the computer at least maybe you can play Blues Brothers..." meaning wear sunglasses at night, at home, when I want to start getting ready for bed. It was cute, really cute. I realize... I feel like the loneliest girl in the world. An old girlfriend from home called me, after a year, she lives here actually and we went for a drive while she took bad pretentious pictures for her music video for her weak boring music and she was completely self-absorbed and just talked about herself the whole time so I asked her to drop me off after half an hour, because I had a date, which I wanted to cancel, so I asked him to come earlier, and then he said he couldn't, so I was so happy. And then I spent hours playing and recording and then no one was online except my friend James from Scotland and I wanted to send him my music but it wouldn't go through and he kept asking me to send pictures of myself. There's a hilarious comic on Comedy Central. I wish I could put my songs on here somehow. I wish I could talk to Julian or Elena.
My friend Lucy from here doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. We stopped talking at some point, around the holidays, and then kept saying we needed to hang out, and we never did, talked online occasionally though, and then I asked her to read something in the blog, and she probably read it all, and she stopped talking to me, and IM'd her once and she said she had to go and "Let me know if you need anything." And hasn't spoken to me since. I have a feeling... It was condescending. She's 20. And I feel like sees me as a mess now and beneath her. Julian would challenge me on that. That maybe it's in my head and I assume everyone's judging me and if I reached out to her she'd be there. And he'd do it with just a look, get me to say all that. And now his voice is in my head at all times and I question it myself. Maybe it is just me. But it sure seems that way. I'm going to try again. Good night.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Play.
Heavy-lidded, thirsty, headthrobbed and humble, I blog.
I ran six miles today, mostly in the rain, it felt so good, it feels so good, just running, just running, why does it feel so good, all those things that aren't supposed to feel good, or that are, but are chores to other people, work, and it's all I ever want to do... Run, play piano and sing, write, clean... I didn't used to be like this.
I used to love to play.
I still do. I love to go out dancing. I love to travel and swim and go out and make out and *$(&.
Trust me. I LOVE it. There's just... I just don't know.
So, I figured it out. (If I'm repeating myself I'll figure that out too and edit.) Julian is divorced, with a child, in elementary school. Maybe just separated, but I'm pretty sure divorced, and they don't live together. I figured it out last night after more obsessive, exhaustive sleuthing-- which is NOT, by the way, what kept me up, but just something I fell into after tossing and turning for four hours.
This makes Scarlet very happy. :-) I mean, not, because that really sucks, divorce really sucks, specially with a kid, and now looking back I realize how many times I mentioned I never wanted to get divorced because like everyone in my family has been... But, the thought that he was married, or married with children, really kind of upset me. I would never, ever mess with someone who's married. It's been tempting, I mean not that I was tempted but just I've had attractions/connections with married men but no, no way.
Ugh. Dan is calling. I'm writing. I never answer the phone... It's in excusable. But, ugh, I'm busy.
I talked to Elena for hours today and yesterday. Elena is my heart, my pulse, without her I lose myself. Sometimes beautifully, but, I lose myself.
I ran six miles today, mostly in the rain, it felt so good, it feels so good, just running, just running, why does it feel so good, all those things that aren't supposed to feel good, or that are, but are chores to other people, work, and it's all I ever want to do... Run, play piano and sing, write, clean... I didn't used to be like this.
I used to love to play.
I still do. I love to go out dancing. I love to travel and swim and go out and make out and *$(&.
Trust me. I LOVE it. There's just... I just don't know.
So, I figured it out. (If I'm repeating myself I'll figure that out too and edit.) Julian is divorced, with a child, in elementary school. Maybe just separated, but I'm pretty sure divorced, and they don't live together. I figured it out last night after more obsessive, exhaustive sleuthing-- which is NOT, by the way, what kept me up, but just something I fell into after tossing and turning for four hours.
This makes Scarlet very happy. :-) I mean, not, because that really sucks, divorce really sucks, specially with a kid, and now looking back I realize how many times I mentioned I never wanted to get divorced because like everyone in my family has been... But, the thought that he was married, or married with children, really kind of upset me. I would never, ever mess with someone who's married. It's been tempting, I mean not that I was tempted but just I've had attractions/connections with married men but no, no way.
Ugh. Dan is calling. I'm writing. I never answer the phone... It's in excusable. But, ugh, I'm busy.
I talked to Elena for hours today and yesterday. Elena is my heart, my pulse, without her I lose myself. Sometimes beautifully, but, I lose myself.
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