Fell Along

I am not wasting another navelgrazing word on him.

Seriously.

It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.

My good god.

I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...

She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.

She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!

So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.

We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.

I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.

I don't have a whole bunch of money.

I need to stop seeing him.

I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.

And it's breaking me.

I'm broke.

actually part 2

i love you guys. thanks so much for your comments... you're right it was a low point and i need to start dealing with those better because the self-flagellating is pointless. but i'm, thanks to beautiful spirits, and thanks to J, getting better at coping with my lows.

i made myself go to sunny's. i'm so glad i did. it was great, and i got em to come too, and it was a mexican bar with BuildYourOwnBloodyMary's and 7 years of bartending experience (yes I started when I was 17) I've perfected my Bloody. to a science. so everyone kept asking me to make them a Bloody and then the bartenders loved me cuz i was bringing in the loot for them... and one was really hot and i gave him my number. Sunny's friends are sweet, and Sunny is an angel, a total lightweight who always gets drunk at her birthday and is a really really SWEET drunk. i, having not eaten all day, got drunk off my one Bloody, too.

and then I went straight to work, and Vinnie wasn't pissed at all, just a sweetheart to me as always. tonight was a workout and a half. i probably spent 3 hours out of 4 actually dancing, cuz there were only 4 girls there and i gave a bunch of table dances too. i was sweating my ass off on the walk home. i made like $400 too. and it was a dead night. thank GOD.

i ran into my two gay neighbors on the way home and they were loaded up and we chatted for like 20 minutes and one's a mechanic and gonna look at my car for free.

i feel better. but my phone is just straight NOT working anymore. it's bad. i need to figure that out. and i was gonna pay my rent right now but i cannot find my damn checkbook. so i'm gonna look for it tomorrow. it's 3 here.

ShakeUp, BreakUp, WakeUp, MakeUp

So tonight was the night of legend of making jack-shit.

There was no one in there except my regular who writes on the show and whose wife texted me pretending to be him, and who maybe reads this blog, and who doesn't tip except a bunch of singles when you're onstage, which is more than anyone else was doing tonight.

It was literally dead.

I was thinking about going, and when Vinnie called me, I decided to go, so that at least, with my comings and goings, at least I could be reliable in that way, as on-call... But after a few hours I decided I had to get out of there and he told me to go ahead and not to worry about the house fee. He let me go out the back too so the reg wouldn't see me leaving cuz he seemed to think I wanted to leave with him and his friend and hang out. They're writers. " ". And the thing is they're not witty or smart at all.

I talked with Summer a lot, the only girl who speaks to me, the only girl with whom I'd like to speak, the only other girl who comes and goes like me... She's awesome, she's smart, she used to be a really big agency model and date a really famous genius tv writer, and she's usually always joking and chipper and sometimes rues about where life's taken her. We think alike.

Me and Cam made up. I called to apologize and say I was in meltdown mode, and he said he was only being dickish because he wants to travel too, but we shouldn't go until our work takes us there...

He's half-right. I mean if the trip had been better planned, I totally could've done it. Whether he'd have considered that enough "paying my dues" or not. I've been all over the world, sometimes work took me there, other times, men. Sometimes, just my own saving up because it was what was important.

Anyway. Now that I'm not going it's all cool.

I'm glad though.

This thing with Elena, I mean, I still love her, but, she has so much pride I don't know how she'll be, and even more prideful if she feels guilty, and she feels guilty all the time. I never feel guilty. It's a useless emotion. But anyway. Not good to be fighting with two friends at once... Means you're definitely doing something wrong.

So it's still only midnight and I'm home, and I made a couple bucks for cigarettes and food, which I don't know if I should get cuz I ate like a straight PIG yesterday and the day before. But anyway. That's thirty bucks I wouldn'tve had if I stayed home.