Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Let it be written and let it be done

Laaaa, okay. Laaa, ugh, what to say?

On the last leg of work-in-progress, the last push, and there were the holidays, and then Elena's coming here Friday for 5 days, for NYE, and I'm stoked, but, I'm in such a work mode, gahhh... I'll definitely be wanting to go into the stoody at least some of those days, and she's welcome to come but I know she won't wanna come more than once and just sit there for hours, it'll be boring... but... good good all good things I just really wanna finish before my b-day.

And I have to get back to Work-Work a little. CASH-POOR. And I have no time right now nor do I wanna interrupt the flow. And I don't wanna drink. And I don't wanna party.


When it rains it f.n. pours.

To Bathwater: Your turn to say I told you so.

So Bathwater once commented on one of my frantic Julian posts and said that "now [i'll] go on holding his perfect unattainable image as this romantic ideal, and no one will ever be able to live up to the fantasy."

Well B. I think you were right. I've been secretive in this blog largely because I've been busy, with all the stuff I've been working on, just no time or privacy or energy to write, also superstition and not wanting to write about the actual work, cuz it's boring to talk about art, and because some people have found it...

But the thing is. I still have these feelings for J, I've had them intensely, and I realize it is something I'm holding onto that serves some weird purpose but... maybe it's time to let it go, for real.

So. Maybe it's time to let it go for real.

go ahead and say it:

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Still here, still weird


Yes, I've had to be veiled and secretive. But one possible lurker has just sworn on a stack of bibles they'd stop haunting the place. And I believe him. So, you know who you are, if you're reading this right now, shame on you, it ain't gonna do ya any good, and it's just precisely the very thing I've told you I find disrespectful and unappealing AND, there's a difference between deceit, and keeping secrets, and simply wanting mental privacy; allow me to have my thoughts. They'll only hurt you if you sniff around where you oughtn't.


Quite enough on that.

I am currently AT Table Top, and have resigned to the fact that I probably won't see Julian today... Just a feeling... I dunno... It being the holidays and all I wasn't even sure if he'd be in town, but I lurked the parking lot and indeed I see his car. Well, who knows.

About the Christmas card--- next post :-)

Merry Christmas everyone. Or did I already... I dunno... I don't have any plans :-( Sad, huh? I'll do something though. And Elena's coming here for 5 days for new years!!!! Wahoo!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Unusual Activity.

I tried signing in just now and was told google had detected unusual activity on my account.

I changed my pw and shit. But this is really beginning to piss me off...


I wanna get done with my projects and start seeing the sun again and even going back to work and just normalizing out a little out of this (albeit amazing and wonderful but) hole.

I feel kinda sleepy all the time.

And I haven't seen any people in ages.

Merry Christmas to everyone though--

Love you all.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

the solstice and lunar eclipse and prayers for rain

So last night was a full moon and a full lunar eclipse and the winter solstice in one night, and i've been signed up for this shit for months... but my outpoured soul is raining down on los angeles, and has been for so long i can't even remember, really... whenever i think about...

i want to write about...

but, i have to be alone at home. and i'm not right now... at the studio, decided that fuck-all if overstaked people are reading my shit. it's a bad idea, and they won't get anything out of it. but yeah. no writing about my secret other lover two feet away from my other lover.

i love playing the piano more than anything in the whole wide world.

i'm gonna try to go stake out JD tomorrow. haven't really been able to with these sheets of rain. which always accompany and coincide with a particular tone of feeling i get about him...

Saturday, December 18, 2010


I am at just about my last straw here. I can't even write anything on here because it's not private anymore, and so many people can read it. Not that they are, but they have, and who knows. I don't trust anyone. All our hard work will go to shit because someone is being a real fucking child. I'm trying to do everything in my power to just pretend this behavior isn't extremely wrong and fucked up but it's really difficult, to try to WORK, and be a fucking den mother to everybody's fragile egos. Ugh.

Monday, December 13, 2010

k, no, i'm gonna be back and writing real soon.

i have this cursed final tonight, and then i'm gonna be REAL free. well no. not at all. still a lot to do but this class was really just making it all impossible.



So, the text conversation I had with C just now whilst at Table Top, where I went to study for today's final (not without hope of a Julian sighting, whose Christmas card I'll address in the next post...) as follows (C is in italics):

1 36: Feeling better???

1 48: Yes, quite a bit better than yesterday... Still slightly weakened but nothing like the alien takeover... You?

1 53: Zantar pennum kerxi nooptik. Vrzypo jheex meupplo!

1 54: Oh nicht! Still that bad??

1 55: Nope. Xlnt actually. They're just still in me brain. Coming down the hill very soon.

1 56: In your brain as in there to fester, or on your mind, as in you'll be sending them a dozen roses sometime soon? Haha. Ew omg Gargamel is sitting in my coffee shop!!!

1 57: Btw there's a luktar stuck in my right ear. Though his buddies peace'd already, he's sticking around.

1 57: No!!! Gargamel is at the table top????

1 58: But now we understand, it's a bit of a ghey hangout, no?

2 13: Dway, but what a red letter day!! The mystery of old Gargle solved at last. But it also means he terrorizes my spot. There's the rub.

2 14: Urgh, I had sent that text 20 minutes ago and was just apprised it didn't go through due to a "packet error." Sounds like something in my R homework.

2 19: Well we've got ourselves a new phrase for our arsenal. It works in many relevant situations.

2 20: Yes. Saturday evening a packet error caused a temporary lapse in sanity.

2 23: Ha! And I dropped a packet error directly below the clickclack.


2 28: Speaking of luktars, I still have three of 'em taking a gentle/prenatal yoga class on my forehead, and a couple wet monkeys swinging on my tonsils.

2 31: Lo siento mucho!!! Thought it was just a 24 hr bug.

So that's how me and C converse. Like we were raised in the wilderness together.

Translations available upon request.

And yes, L&G. I'm baaaa-aaaack.

Love and languages,

Scarlet O