2 pm.

This is how it is.

I'm talking to someone and I'm fine. Or I'm reading a blog and I'm fine. And then I reali3e what's going on in my life and I'm not fine.

Some of my friends are saying he's been selfish to let this go on because of his own feelings. And some say I should absolutely and definitively not see him anymore. Because something will happen. And it will end badly.

But I don't agree with that. And I know if I stop seeing him now, this will be one slowhealing scar. Major LifeBummer II in the Book Of Scarlet-O.

I'm supposed to go out tonight. It's a beautiful day. And it hurts.

good morning

still having the stupid dreams about him and when i open my eyes i start bawling immediately. good times.

cant move

so he loves me too! yay! right? nope. and i love him and i can never have him but i still love him so im in a fit of a depression and now we're gonna sit together and work out our issues... so i dont end up as fucked up as him. my angel. angel.

i'm never gonna get over it. i wanna throw up. and i dont wanna move. ever.

i just wanna talk to the man i love whom i'll never have just wanna talk to him even though i'll never have him. as per usual. at least i wasn't reading the signs wrong. who fucking cares. it's worse this way. it really is.

Phone call with Julian

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. ...How are you?....

I'm fine. I'm sleepy.

I just--

What? I can't hear you there's like, distortion...

Oh I just said I wanted to see how you were doing.

I'm fine, Julian.

.....

.....

And I know you didnt do anything wrong. I understand why you didn't want to bring it up and all that. I mean that's all, you can go if you need to, you don't have to stay on...

I want to. Your opinion matters to me. And thank you for saying that but, I did some things wrong. I've been thinking about this a lot, when I should be thinking about my other clients--

And I know you're busy with everything too--

Thank you for saying that, but I meant, I've been thinking about transference and countertransference and all of that and, I don't think the recommended way to deal with it is right, but, I just, I didn't how to deal with it. And I'm not sure how, what the best way to deal with it is....

I'm sorry about all those e-mails.

Scarlet, I promise you. Besides maybe you, not a soul was hurt by those e-mails. And, honestly, they made me feel good and, they're quite brilliant. And I understand the depths of your emotions, the impulse to write the e-mails, though mine weren't quite as poetic as yours-- I wanted to-- and I've been there.

So you've had it? This unrequited love disease?

Yes.

So you know how much it hurts? And that it won't just go away?

My god, yes. It's been 10 years later and it still hasn't gone away. It's gotten better. But I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So great, so, this will still hurt in 10 years and forever?

Well god I HOPE it gets better after 10 years... See, I was kind of shunned. And I thought that maybe the opportunity to talk through it, with you, might be really helpful, might be really better for you, than my experience was.

Yeah. So 10 years ago, so it was right before you married your wife?

Shortly before, yes.
........

I'm sad, J. Do you have to go?

I have some time.

........................

I'm sorry for ruining Lolita...

(laugh) You didn't ruin Lolita for me.

...........................

I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 days.

I have a cancellation Monday, would you like to take that instead of Tuesday?

Yes.

If you want you can call my phone tomorrow, I'll be in court and probably won't get out til 8 but I might get out earlier, but we can talk after then if you want, and on the weekend, just e-mail me so I can see it if I'm remote--

I don't want to trouble you on the weekends--

I appreciate that, but if you need to talk to me I am available.

Ok. Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Letters to Julian in Succession.

Thanks.
Personal X
Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 5:45 PM (20 hours ago)

Dear Julian:

Here's a list of what I'm thinking now. These are some things for which I wanted to give thanks. To you. For.

1. Thanks. Thanks for helping me reali3e that I hate this fucking hellhole and need to leave it now.

2. Thanks. Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself repeatedly, yes, I know it's therapy and I'm supposed to act like a lunatic, but I do, in fact have some dignity, and shame, and throwing myself albeit electronically at an expecting father is not a move in my lifegame strategy.

3. And thanks again, thanks for turning all the decent coffeeshops in this little town into red-tape 3ones. In fact. I think the whole neighborhood is brimming with ha3mat.

4. Thank-you for making sad movies that much sadder, in fact, unwatchable.

5. Thanks for borrowing from my one of my top-5 favorite authors to spike the punch in the face.

6. Thanksmuch for all the jokes and again the recommendations and the hair and all those little things that make me love you even more every day instead of acting like a dull boring tasteless idiot, when, "What would help?" THAT would've helped. Thanks. Your wife and kids and everything. Yes. They help in making me reali3e what an ass I am and that impossible does not come in shades. But it doesn't help make me feel less for you. So yeah. It helps. It'll help me move on. Possibly move period. But it's no less painful.

7. Thanks for letting me spend oh about eight months of my rapidly dimishing youth living in a fantasy and embarrassing myself.

8. Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.

9. Thanks for turning me into a Nabokovian monstrosity.

10. Thanks for completely destroying my faith in humanity.

Ok. Thanks. I hate everything. And want to die. But I don't hate you. No. I love you. And I HATE THAT. And I do think, that you've been just a little irresponsible. Or oblivious. Or something. I'm sure you have been stressed out and wiped out and busy with your work and your kids, and your 3rd term pregnant undoubtedly incredible wife. And you're happy. And you should be. And I'm not being ironic or sarcastic here. (But only here.) But I do. I think you've handled this badly. I'm paraly3ed. And sick.
Thanks
Love
S
Take your fucking check


Reply
Forward
Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:02 PM (19 hours ago)

THE WIND IS SCREAMING AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. Thanks.
- Show quoted text -

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:10 PM (19 hours ago)

Good morning! Said the nightmare. Time to get up now! You're been on some hallucinogenic drugs. We have to inform you. You don't remember. But there was a terrible accident. Yes. They're... gone. Yes. They're gone too. Do you know where you are?

Nightmare?

Yes. Do you know the date and time?

Um... November 12th, 2008..

It's April 29th, 2010.

What?

Do you know who you are, Ma'am?
..........
..........
No.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:17 PM (19 hours ago)

Congratulations on your baby.
I think I'm done. With therapy. Yup.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:18 PM (19 hours ago)

Aren't you relieved.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:30 PM (19 hours ago)

I'm about to take 4 ativan (no thats not a lethal dosage, it'll make me loopy so I'm not fucking threatening you or pulling any borderline shit on you cu3 i'm actually not a Borderline, thanks. though i hope i'm making you feel bad, cu3 you made me feel REAL bad, so why shouldnt i? cu3 its not fault, no, its not, though again, i think you handled it BADLY. but you probably wont feel bad because you know you did everything right and im just being the... whatever.) so I might sleep through tomorrow, unlikely though. if i dont. yeah. i would like to talk to you Julian. please. thanks. maybe i wont tomorrow. obviously. things are never so lasting or definitive in my world as they are in yours. but no. how can i not want to talk to you. of course i want to talk to you. I MISS YOU. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I am pathetic and I am disgusted with myself. For being this pathetic. If, rather, when (believe it or not I've been on the other side of this too. Many times. Well I guess it's only fair that I should get it too. Karma's a bitch like that.) someone has been this pathetic over me, still wanted to be around, still wanted to talk, still wasted their time and money and breath on me, knowing I was N.I. Not. Interested. I found that pretty pathetic. Now I don't feel so strongly on the matter. Well I guess theres a life lesson I can thank ya for. THANK-YOU J
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:32 PM (19 hours ago)

FUCKING ANSWER ME PLEASE. NO? CAN'T DO IT OVER E-MAIL? just send me a blank email, or better yet, just send me an invoice. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. Send me that. Thank-You.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Julian Darcy
to me
show details 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)

Scarlet,
Can I call you just before 9 tonight?

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian

Please.
-Show quoted text-


show details 6:55 PM (19 hours ago)

Julian Darcy
to me

Confirmed.

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.

Well, now's your turn to say "I told you so."

J: You look pensive.

S: Don't I always look pensive?

J: Sometimes. Is that a denial?

S: (laughs) No.

J: What are you pensive about?

S: (long pause) I am pensive about my feelings.

J: (laughs after long pause) Go on...

S: (laughs) Yes. My feelings about you. That's what I'm pensive about.

J: (long pause) What's the thought process about the feelings? Well, not the feelings, I think I know the feelings, you write about them... What's the meta-thought process?

S: I'm conflicted, on the one hand, they feel really good sometimes... And then usually followed by pain and frustration. The conflict between the bliss of loving someone and the hell of wanting something you can't--

J: Something impossible.

S: Right. Impossible.

J: When we first started talking about this--

S: I know. I know what you said. But somehow I deluded myself again. People have convinced themselves of cra3ier shit.

J: When we first started talking about this. I felt kind of panicked. Well, panicked, maybe isn't the right word but... I was anxious to resolve the...

S: Awkwardness?

J: You're not deluded. I've thought about this a lot too... and I... wanted to say that I have very strong feelings for you too. I think I should be open about that with you. It's not like I'm blind to how beautiful you are. I think our brains are a lot alike. I think you're like me, with talent. I mean I was never able to play music, or write creatively... I tried in my psychology papers but it was always very logical, philosophical arguments... I don't have the ability to make these sentences... that are like... creative. Like that one. (laughs) So, you're not deluded, and you're not imagining this connection. And under different circumstances I... And it's really important to me, to be a part of your life, it means a lot to me that I'm important in your life. But it just can't be reciprocated.

S: Uh huh.

J: Do you want to move on?

S: Yes.

J: I think I can tell you something about myself, that will help you move on. Demystify my life a little. Can I?

S: By all means.

J: I know you know that I have kids. You've never asked about them.

S: I haven't felt comfortable.

J: I have two daughters. And I'm expecting a third.

THE MOTHERFUCKER.

I said Congratulations. I asked how old his daughters were. I started crying uncontrollably, making jokes here and there. He was watching me. He said he really hates hurting me this much. I said I hate everything and want to die. And laughed. So did he. I kept making jokes about "go-time." He laughed, "Ha, go-time." I said I have a photoshoot after this for some sunglasses and I can't go. And I don't want to get into my car. Or drive. Or go home. And I said I'm angry. With you. Tell me. He said. I think you should have addressed this sooner. When you know, as you said, palpably felt the intensity of my feelings. That's fair. And you're probably right, I just, felt like I hammered you last time. I wanted to wait until- Well apparently i needed to be hammered some more.

I threw my checkbook at him. Here. I said. What do I owe you. I think we should figure this out on Tuesday... I think we should do it NOW. I... I'll need to figure out what it would be... It's go-time now huh. Yes. Got it. I stormed passed him open the door myself and and didnt close it behind me and walked the fuck out of there.

I have nothing to tell my Grandma.

He tried to get me to say stuff about my mood swinging and coloring my perspective and I actually kind of laughed at him because it was so forced and desperate, he was like, "Well. You have this mood... that swings... back and forth." And I was like, HA. And he was like "I'm trying to be a serious psychologist for a minute here." So, that made me laugh. And then, he continued, more astute, about looking at the external situation and I kept on saying No. I know. But. It's not like that. And he said, Oh, well, why not, you tell me?

So I (completely pretending I had NOT JUST WRITTEN HIM about why I'm miserable right now... as he was, because, for all I know, maybe he hasn't even read it, right?) said:

"Okay. It's like... I have nothing to tell my Grandma right now. On the phone... Well I can make stuff up..."

"Oh..." he said, "Well.. what would you like to tell your Grandma?"

"Well, she just wants to hear--" I said, "That I have a nice boyfriend, and I'm at a job I like." I started tearing up. "So, I don't have anything to tell her." I put my face in my hands. And just sat there like that sobbing still and silent into my hands for a while.

So, hmm. Scene Six, Take Two.

Well hell's belles.

Okay. So this is what happened again. I deleted some about it, but over the last couple weeks I've just been kinda bubbling up again, on the lemon-gin-fi33-that-is... I've-

I've been doing other stuff, too. I'm going out with a 3illionaire. His address isn't even a real address. I met him at that party I went to with the necro. And we've gone out twice. Haven't really kissed him yet, clearly, NO interest-- but we've gone out twice. And will on Friday. Probably. He is actually- and I know I've said this, but I do mean it this time- really kinda brilliant, and kinda awesome, but, I am just not attracted. I am just not. Not when I've got Dr. Drrr-r-reamy-ohmygod-shutup-nowaythatsyourshrink-he'sgorgeous-says-every-girlfriend-I've-linked-to-his website to satiate their curiousity, fuck, sitting at me like that.

He sat so close to me last week. I touched his leg. Not even by accident. Not even by pretend-accident. Just one of those, like, "Oh my god I KNOW!" things where you touch the person, to more emphatically relate on a point. And he kinda tapped me back, with his foot. When I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just like--" and did it again. And then he moved his feet away. I mourned on the inside.

And THEN, a minute after THAT, he moved them back. Closer. So our feet were touching. For a few minutes. And I had to pretend four of my six stomachs weren't doing the cumbia.

He has a huge, roomy office. No need to be up on me like that.

And those last couple weeks were straight BAR-CHAT. Jokes and movie recommendations and restaurant recommendations and even [no] religion & politics [at the bar]. I've gone to three of his restaurant recommendations in the last week. He's like-- marking his territory. Cu3 I'm not gonna think of anything else now, at those places, in my (and his) neighborhood. And I've seen two of his movies and have the next two in my Netflix queue and-- he's got one of mine now. One I bought. That I lent him. Ayup. Got it indefinitely. Scented version. Hahahaha. That shit is CKOne'd out of its goddamn mind believe me.

But, so, all that being said. I am still, not, anything, clearly, with him, and, still, doubt that I ever will be (as in, there is doubt, not as in, I totally doubt), so, yeah, I drank myself UTTERLY STUPID over the last few days, everyone, I apologi3e, and, well, I was really upset, because, like, this is happening again, where I just can't not-say-anything-anymore, it's the same thing, again, so, now, I wrote him, that little thing I posted about my dream, but, also, something substantially longer, a little more direct (but not much. This is direct as I get.) and I saw him today, and, didn't say anything, but was not all cheery like I have been, and he said so, and there was a little bit of restaurant and movie talk but then it sorta stopped, like it always does when I'm feelin' weird, because, well, it's Julian, I'm not putting on a show for him and he knows I'm a wackjob. And he knows I'm not.

Sean p. 2

I can't talk about him. He'll hear me.

Sean

We were gonna get married. We would've killed each other. But he always makes me feel better. I'll love him forever. This is how we talk:


andfirenow (4:40:33 PM): ok lets try thi sone

andfirenow (4:40:47 PM): ber der ber berner derner bernerderner

andfirenow (4:40:54 PM): ber ner der

andfirenow (4:41:03 PM): berner dernerderner derner

scarletglassxx (4:41:06 PM): inxs

scarletglassxx(4:41:10 PM): I NEED YOU TONIGHT

andfirenow (4:41:18 PM): cus im not sleepin

scarletglassxx (4:41:19 PM): GOTcha

andfirenow (4:41:31 PM): INXS / Kick

andfirenow (4:41:54 PM): ber ner der

scarletglassxx (4:41:54 PM): berner der, berner der,

scarletglassxx (4:42:00 PM): 1 2 3

andfirenow (4:42:04 PM): lol

andfirenow (4:42:11 PM): 123

andfirenow (4:42:13 PM): LOL

scarletglassxx (4:42:22 PM): hahhahaha

andfirenow (4:43:31 PM): oh i wanted to tell youa bout the next best thing to jeff buckley the other day and forgot

scarletglassxx (4:43:53 PM): yes pl3 do so!

andfirenow (4:43:59 PM): Andrew Wood from MotherLoveBone

scarletglassxx (4:44:09 PM): yeah?? can i download him?

andfirenow (4:44:19 PM): the band is mother love bone

andfirenow (4:44:27 PM): its pearl jam with a diff lead singer that ded

andfirenow (4:44:30 PM): died

scarletglassxx (4:45:03 PM): mother love bone, album?

andfirenow (4:45:18 PM): hrm i think they only had one

scarletglassxx (4:45:36 PM): ok, makes it wasier for me

andfirenow (4:45:50 PM): wasier =way easier in S-O talk

scarletglassxx (4:45:59 PM): precis!

andfirenow (4:46:04 PM): omg

scarletglassxx (4:46:10 PM): w

andfirenow (4:46:21 PM): bl m

andfirenow (4:46:25 PM): LOL

scarletglassxx (4:46:31 PM): hahahahaha

scarletglassxx (4:46:35 PM): gldly

Letter to Julian, wee hours Monday morning:

OMG would you ever do one of those charities like make-a-wish? If it weren't for kids, but for like early 20s wannabe artists, and I made a wish to go to viet cafe with you and then take a walk and look up at the nonstars and the cypress trees and then jump in reservoir for a free3ing cold swim so i would have to cling onto you arms around your neck for warmth while everything was lit kind of orange by the summermoon and light pollution and a car drove by playing Til Tuesday and I could bite your neck really really really lightly, sort of hard maybe... it's part of the wish... and then... well in my dream I started running to your car, and I was pointing out the constellations, that I figured out the formula for the stars, and you said if you can visuali3e the distance between them any time you're in room, if you can place the stars on all the objects, then you can manifest anything and you can change the world... and you were standing on the grass and when you moved the grass you were standing on I knelt down on it and the grass was moving it was swishing back and forth in rhythm with the twinkling of the stars, 1-2-3, 1-2-3, 1, 1, 2-3-1, 1, 1...

On Balloons-- (Dear Friends:)

Okay, this is just something I've kinda reali3ed. When I've got a pal. Who wants something... or hopes for something... that's probably not gonna happen for a lot of reasons... While I don't ENCOURAGE them full on and hype them up even more, I let 'em enjoy their time in the air, with silliness, and little fantasies, and like "that would be sweet if" and jokes.

UNLESS- they're really totally unaware of the possibility it's not gonna happen, or they're being scammed or bs'd or manipulated by someone. And even then, unless it's like, a SERIOUS situation, I wont make a big deal of it, because when people hear things they don't like, they reject them completely.

EX: My friend Harlan, she used to always talk about these BIG huge galleries she was gonna open, and sell her art, and movies she was gonna make, and this guy she met, that's gonna do this, and that, and the other... and like... at first, I'd be like, "Dude... I dunno about this guy... I mean WHERE did you MEET him? Okay, can I google him? Ok, just as a general, meeting people like that does NOT USUALLY LEAD-" etc, etc, etc.

And it would really bum her out! And she'd feel like crap, and wanna go. And I think it was good for her to hear on some level, coming from someone, occasionally, cu3 she's in this world of BS too like me, but that was NOT necessary. She knows, on some level, it might be BS, and she's learned more so through experience, way more, than she ever could've or would've from my naysaying. Now when she talks about huge plans- well first of all- they're pretty realistic now- but also, if something sounds kinda shaky to me, I'll just be like, Yeah ya never know! and she'll be like, Oh I know, you never know. And she goes on planning and building and inspired.

So. My point is. There's no need to constantly knock somebody off their high-horse. I don't think H would've been any worse off for the fall of these fallen ventures had I just been like "Oh that sounds cool!" instead of bringing her down on something she was gonna try for herself anyway.

I KNOW, ok, I KNOW, ODDS ARE: I FUCKING LOSE. OK?

If you're BORED of hearing me vividly describe Julian's trouser-weave, FINE. Just say so. Don't wait for me to take a breath and then say 'Yeah, Scar, I just don't know, I mean obviously I'm not there so I can't say anything (I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR ADVICE, ORACLE) but I mean it just seems like it's kinda not going anywhere.'

OKAY? OKAY?

FRIENDS WHO READ THIS? Please. I will STOP yapping about it if you're bored of hearing it. I'm sure you are, all ONE of you who knows about this blog in real life and might read it in a few months. But I'm more than aware of the epic failure likely to come, I think I would benefit a lot more from someone (who, thanks, to those of you that do this!) are just like, sweet, I'm on for the ride! And seem to share my excitements, and the good things, because THIS IS HOW I FEEL, and its not gonna just change any time soon. If it hasn't by now, I can't just make it. So instead being miserable the entire time, and feeling like a loser, and being reminded that I'm just going to be rejected, that this person doesn't want me, that I'm just seeing things... like... SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!! OK? I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT. GIVE ME A BREAK. LET ME ENJOY MY FANTASY. IT'S WHAT I HAVE IN LIFE.

I need you guys. I am very very alone. So friends, please... just humor me. I'd do it for you.

THANK YOU

SCARLET

PS. Furthermore, sometimes the "impossible" things DO happen for people. And I know I personally am very affected by what my friends predict. Especially Elena. I think she's been dead-on RIGHT a lot, but at the same time, the second she's given any relationship I've been in or project I've done the cloud of doom, I lose faith in it, and that probably aids in the derailing, in and of itself.

Sun's down.

And I've chilled out a little. I ran my 7 miles. And I did yoga, at home. I'm not sure what compelled me to do these things but- oh yes- because I HAVE to tire my limbs out or I'm tossing and turning painfully at night. I barely slept 2 hours last night.

I don't know what's wrong with me. These chemical ups and downs. Everything seems hopeless and sad and impossible. I know it isn't. I know it's just a feeling make it seem that way. But what isn't just a feeling is the loneliness. I am so utterly alone.

Vinnie called me just now probably wants me to work and I won't because I don't need to and I'll lose my mind if I don't sleep and catch up on school. But yeah. Nobody calls anymore. Not just to hear your voice. I'm crying so bad. It's so bad out here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Man! Okay. F' anyone who doesn't like it. This is what I'm gonna talk about, cu3 I'm a no-life-having, idiot loser anyway, and I have nothing else to talk about.

I deleted a bunch of recent posts about Julian, wherein I was deluding myself yet again into believing he saw me as something more than a mild irritant, easily-treatable. And of course, the normal people out there, despite the handicap of only reading my skewed perception of things, saw how deluded I was, and gave me a gentle reminder, which made me reali3e what a pathetic idiot actually am, which is good, because we can't forget that too often and get ahead of ourselves. But what they said was basically a whole list of reasons I was starting to become pretty damn sure that he is actually interested in me. And the PROBLEM IS:

When I think about that list, I start to become completely deluded again! And need to be smacked in the face, kicked in the head, and knocked back down to fucking si3e. BECAUSE HOW COULD AN UGLY PATHETIC TALENTLESS HACK FRIENDLESS STRIPPER WHORE actually think somebody like that would think well of her? I mean it's just so ridiculous I probably REALLY do need psychiatric treatment... HEY! I GOT IT!

I KNOW WHY HE'S PUSHING MY INSURANCE TO APPROVE ALL THOSE SESSIONS... Because he reali3es I have this crush on him, and think I might have a chance in hell with him, and thus reali3es I'm so fucking CRACKED in the head I might blow up an airport or something.

DUH.

Oh my god.

I hate it so much. I hate it so much. I hate the fucking phonies, I hate the men, I hate the friends that never call, I hate the years gone by, I hate the distant memories, I hate the lump in my throat, I hate the silence and I hate the noise.
I hate the efforts, I hate the high hopes, I hate the mirror and faceslapped idiot and the headlit deer and the reality check and the reality tv finally disconnected and the runny nose and stomachsick and everybody everybody everybody and me and the rows of hearts impaled in the lawn. i hate hiding and i hate reevaluating and i hate growing old and dying and staying the fucking same. this shantytown, movieset, fucked beyond recognition illfit suit of a fucking life and you ask yourself how-comes it always disappointing? WHEN DID THIS FUCKING HAPPEN? he said yeah of course you could make it happen and i said really and he said but you have to really get out and you have to go on the road 200 days a year for three to five years and then you'll have an opportunity because then you'll just get so good for playing for people every night and you have to want to do it, do you? and i said--

i don't know

because ive always been a gypsy and i hate staying places and soaking in my own filth but right now i dont wanna leave even though i have nothing here, nothing, i mean nothing, if i died tomorrow nobody would even know for weeks but for the stench but. but i dont wanna leave here right now because im in love with this whore.

a what?

yeah paid by the hour, im not gonna talk about it, youre tearbored already, everyone else is, well by everything, by me, im fucking NOTHING. I WANT TO CLAW MY FUCKING EYES OUT RIGHT NOW. I AM SUCH A GHASTLY CONCENTRATION of WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING LIGHT INVADING WAY TOO SMALL A FUCKING SPOT. i'm carcinoma. hear me fucking roar.

i want to fucking off myself right now

no- not really- no lets not anyone get cra3y, im not fucking suicidal.

but i'm really fucking depressed. and totally uninteresting. thats all. night.

nothin.

nothin's what i got. i got nothin' 'ere. I feel rather like a waste of organic chemistry. it's a pretty day out. I had a fancy day yesterday. But I'm sluggish, cracked as a liberty bell. my apartment is a mess, i'm behind in school, i'm about to flake out on someone, i'm rapidly approaching my quarterlife crisis and its looking very unglamorous.

Internuts

Well I have my internoot3 back finally... they had to shut off my free cable though. No more Dr House on saturday nights. For the best.

F you and the horse you rode in on

time to watch friday night standup on the tv, and I guess be grateful that my un license is invalid in the state of kCal-if/or-nigh-yay and I left my browning M2021 in pennsyltucky.

mede a decent amount of cash today posing for some pg laddie calendar so it's ok cuz all ithat really matters in my sham of a life is that I get my lazy ass up enough to sustain my lifestyle of laying my lazy ass back down and watching the tube.

love and lip

scarlet o'douchebag

cool.

okay so you all obviously think I'm delusional and there's no chance he's interested. I'm sure you're all rigt. I'm gonna stop writing about it.

Hacked.

My regular e-mail account's gone to the dogs.

Yesterday a friend, that I kinda rarely e-mail wrote me telling me he got a strange e-mail from me with a link, and then I got a bunch of delivery failure messages and looked in my outbox to see that every account on there had been e-mailed some weird shit and then my phone beeped me to re-enter my password because my log-in credentials failed. So I tried to fix it and gmail told me my account had been disabled so I wrote them all about it, hopefully they'll straighten it out soon.

It's fitting, because I hacked my own body the last few days. I feel like kind of a jackass. I don't know why but on Monday I called my pill dealer friend and grabbed a bunch of those Vicodins. I really don't know why. So I was taking them and drinking yesterday and the day before, and they were really gross, and I couldn't sleep or eat, and I didn't go to class, and I went to meet an old friend and was just in a crap mood, but I just felt like I had to finish them. So today I feel like straight ASS. My nose is all runny and I'm exhausted and a bit achy, but mostly exhausted, like I have a fever. I don't get how people can do this crap, to me it just seems like the only thing good about them is that they reset you kind of... back to basics:

Ya think life is good now? Imagine it if you weren't irritable and confused and fu33y and you could keep your eyes open for more than 30 seconds and could finish a sentence and didn't have to throw up every half an hour!!! Well all that could be yours for the incredible price of NONE of your goddamn money!!!

Hah.

internetz!!

I haven't been online in a minute, but I'm getting internet finally on Saturday, so I'll be able ro weite freely... I'm just gonna wait, because trying to write personal thoughtful funny stuff in a cold supermarket, while everyone is trying to talk to you online you online and you have to catch up with all your emails and fett yourwork done, or from the tiny eyecrossed phone, is a real pain in the ass.

Zzzzzz...

home at last, eyes been shut since 11 blistered feet, gruised knees, shoilder straps threatening. Zzzz. Vinnie just called me right as I was finishing my run so I figured what the fuck. I didn't even have on makeup all night. One day. One day soon, I will be living with Julian and reminiscing about these times... Zed.

Meh.

I should've gone to work tonight. I got all my tax returns back, so when I get a receipt at the ATM today I was like WHAT-- I did a couple gigs that paid really well and were also like 50% taxed, so I got back a LOT-- and got home from this Art Walk thing with Em and was just tired from walking around all day, and tired and tired, so I didn't. But maybe I should've. I'm in a rather shitty mood. And I have homework to do (and heeeeere's the weekend! A-gain! AAAAAND it's over.) so I only had like a few minutes after getting home and I was just dawdling a little even though I told a regular of mine to go in but ultimately I'm to F'in tired... I'm gonna try to make myself go to bed in an hour. Ok. Not gonna say what I was gonna say. Ha.

Night.

For Kat-S:

I love it. I love it. Charlie Peacock I mean, it sounds like Miles, like Filles de Kilamanjaro (sp)... I'm gonna plug:
http://www.charliepeacock.com/

Droppin' a quick line...

I have eight minutes til class... no, make that seven... and I'm all the way across campus at the library... had to get up super early to use the computer here to burn CDs and print out all this stuff... I've been busy recording and with school and seeing people so I've been good. Busy. Is always good... Really busy too!!! Today I've got class now and then Julian and then straight to this production meeting and then my dreaded Psych class all in a row and god knows what the Psych homework was and I was all behind on my others too and had to practice playing a lot. I'm gonna be in here later so. That's what I got for now...

Ahdadada...

So I didn't write him for two weeks.. Or write about him much. And then yesterday I wrote him three times. And I wrote him after that awful night. Groundhogs Day was on TV twice last night so I had to. Never ever ending.

Well I earned it.

I was so tired of running around. Is that what you're supposed to do, is that what normal people do, go from one thing to another, finish a work shift or a long run and head right over to drown in a group of people, and drink and drink and drink?

I feel much better now, much better after spending last night in, watching weird movies and leaving the lights off. I feel much better after getting up at 3 pm today and spending 5 hours cleaning my house, and writing a letter, and playing the piano. Then this photographer came over to test shoot me for some catalog thing, and it was fine, and I got paid, and he was very nice and earnest and liked my music and offered more, offered more, as Julian said "and you'll sit there nodding your head to the psychic noise and the floating promises..."

I don't think I'd ever heard him quite as poetic as he was on Friday. We nearly got into an argument. He said my intelligence was overshadowed by my beauty. He said "you're cringing... but... I think you know it's true..." He said, "I think you know better than this, I mean come on, you're going into a situation, it's a cliche, you're smart enough to-- you can limit yourself to one drink and watch everyone else get drunk and if these men are trying to USE you, you can USE them too, if they're offering these--"

And I cut him off and I said, "I know you find mean women more attractive Julian. But it's just not in my nature. I can't be like that."

"No, I don't think you should be like that, I was just saying, all of these men are attracted to you, they might be--"

"But I don't even want them, like that."

"But you're GETTING with them. Like THAT."

I glared at him. "It's not like it's been, 10 million people here..."

"Okay, I'm not, okay, I'm going to be critical here. Can I speculate?"

"Go."

"I think that just saying, well, I didn't plan for it to happen, I think it's a cop-out, I think you've gotten past that, with the drinking, and with Stefan, I think you see all these things before they happen and for some reason you're ignoring that knowledge and... I don't know why... Does that sound right?"

"Yes. You are right. I don't know why either. Maybe I just don't care."

And he nodded when I said I don't care.

"Can I say one more thing, and then I'll let you have the last word, because we're way over time?"

I nodded.

"I just think you're selling yourself short."

"It's hard not to drink at these awful parties."

"Oh, I'm sure, I know, it's hideous, all that psychic noise, and the floating promises... Sick puppies."

I laughed. "They're demons, everywhere, they see your light, and they just want to take it and put it in a little box and make some money off of it, and I don't want to lose my light..."

"I don't think you're... in danger of becoming dark, like that."

"I can't play this game." I said. He was looking at the floor. "What?" I said, "What else?"

"Nothing, I'm just sympathi3ing, I guess. I'm sorry you're in so much pain over this."

"So, these ama3ing clients you have, that swim through it all painlessly and succeed, what is it that they have, Julian?"

"They don't, I don't know, you know Scarlet, a lot of people have a lot LESS than you. I don't know how to swim through it, I don't have those answers--"

"I wasn't asking you for The Answer."

"I know you weren't. Well. Okay. I guess it's something to think about for Tuesday." He got up. "Here, if you can fill that out.." He handed me the clipboard again, of the inventory thing for the insurance companies. I'd forgotten to fill out the back. "Sorry..." he said. "I'll see you Tuesday, ok?"

"Yes, okay." I went into his lobby and filled out the thing as slowly as I could. And I have to say, I love him, as much as I ever have.

shades of gray

shades of gray
nothing much to say
wish the pain would go away
go away
go away
go away

The Whore Store, Industry Parties, and Date Rape.

I wanted to go to work last night. I ran 7 miles. I went home. I'd gone shopping with Jo on Monday at the whorestore to get her a starter kit and myself some new stockings and shoes since my gorgeous glittering asphalt tufli were becoming a deathwish. And I ended up getting this new mesh top deal and some ridiculous sportshorts. I liked the look and the shoes fit like... well they fit like shoes, and I was all rearin' to go.

But I got invited to a fancy industry party with a fancy guy, and I figured it was in my best interest to go, though my blood was boiling more and more violently with every passing minute of getting ready, as I reali3ed I had nothing to wear and no money with which to buy anything to wear to this crap, and that I'd rather be working so I could earn the aforementioned.

So I'm at this fancy party in an old speakeasy, downing fancy Martinique rums, neat, that were costing my fancy date about 20 bucks a pop, and again, thanks to my hard-drinking lineage, feeling nothing but a bit tipsy after 8 or so generous pours in a matter of a couple of hours, talking to some famous British actor who looked like Hugh Laurie but who definitely wasn't Hugh Laurie, and whose number I have in my phone with only a first name so I can't even google him and figure out why he's famous, and I had to pretend I had any clue, but I didn't, because I live under a rock.

And then my fancy date was starting to get antsy, and said he wanted to leave, and then the group collectively decided to get some blow, and I said I don't do blow, so they whittled on down to pot, and I said I don't do drugs, so my date suggested Vicodin and Valium, and I said Okay fine, and before I know it the man whips out a proper mortar and pestle, and proceeds to crush up the pills. And I said I don't snort things. So he said okay take it orally it'll still hit you faster. So I poured it into my 16th Martinique rum and gu33led.

Next thing I know I'm asleep at his apartment. I vaguely recall giving a striptease without removing any of my (secondhand bargain basement strait-from-the-crate) clothes and making out with him, even though, I like him, but he wrote a damn horrendous song on the piano, and I'm not really all that attracted to him. And then as the bits and pieces came back to me I recalled him wanting to have sex and beginning to unbuckle his pants and then getting really annoyed because I passed out mid-fondle, and then, he puts on a condom and thrusts in for some terrible sex anyway. While I was half-conscious. And then told me, like it were just hilarious, that I fell asleep.

I wish I'd gone to work at the club. People there have fucking morals.

Wolf! Wolf! Wolf, wolf, wolf...

After some thought... or maybe just 12 hours of a gradual return to my heart's BPM, at four in the morning, I reali3ed: What the F. At the rate he's offering me, I can totally afford to pay once a week out-of-pocket. It's not even an issue. What the F. I was thinking like, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sure he'll have some ideas... Though I don't know if he'll share them...

Of course before that revelation, after sitting in his office in shock-- ("Well, I'm going to give you some tests to show as further evidence, and another alarmingly worded letter, though they don't seem to respond to that, and, otherwise, we can work something out, I mean... I guess I'm avoiding the feelings brought on by this by suggesting ways around it...")-- I took the tests, and watched another patient enter his office... and went home and bawled, and wrote a few e-mails, all about how I knew this was going to happen, and maybe it meant something, and I'd been thinking about it, and I needed to talk to him before deciding anything... I called his office and he didn't call back... which is weird, and inconsiderate. I'd assume he was trying to get rid of me except that he told me he thinks I should be coming in twice, and is offering me a price like one third of what he would normally charge, and is going through some lengths to appeal these evil people. But then at 4 a.m. I just had a panic about not seeing him, and as I wrote him to please not change my time slots, I reali3ed that actually paying for the second session was not a big deal at ALL.

That's what I got. Last night I saw Cam, who I haven't seen in like 6 months either. I'd thought about him on Thursday, because the stupid teenage vampire romance novel I'm reading has a character whose description couldn't be anyone BUT Cam, among other things... And the next day, he wrote me, out of the blue. He's a model, and he was on this TV show, and now he's doing some music video and wants me to be in it. He picked me up after Psych (oh- to which I was late again- not even by much- like 10 minutes out of a 3 hour class, but of course during those 10 minutes he gave a qui3 that someone told me was worth half the exam. DUDE. If I get like 100's on the exams and don't get an A, I'll go on a killing spree... I don't care much about grades, hell, I'm 23 and just starting community college, but, F, I'm paying for it, and I need like a perfect GPA to transfer to the really good state school with a scholarship, should I actually continue with this school thing, though I'd have to change a lot to really do it, because at the rate of 2 classes a semester, it's going to take me 78 or 79 years to get there. Anyway.)- he was really late, but looked incredible as always, and we went to a bar, and he got me a couple drinks, and he was really nice and complimentary and sweet, as he always has been to me... Really like that character in the book, who is the ultra seductive teen foil to the protagonist chick and he fated true love-- i.e. Satan.

I sent Philip Stone* my music website. He responded first thing this morning and said he sent it out to some people he knows. I was tossing and turning all night and when I saw I had an e-mail at the time of morning I looked and I was so thoroughly stoked. He's AWESOME. And truly, the best writer around right now. Truly. I'm not the only one who thinks so... some huge lit publications have said so too... the best to have emerged in a decade, and stuff. So I'm really pretty stoked.

I slept through class today but I had to. I got back from drinks w Cam at like 2 30 despite my insistence that it was a schoolnight. I had a lot of fun though. He talks a LOT. But he's really gorgeous and his attention feels pretty good too.

*Obviously.

This really might be the end...

End of the story, end of this wrought-out romance unrequited, end of my therapy, end of my blog maybe...

I really do apologi3e for not blogging and not reading lately... I haven't been by a computer, I've been so stressed out and busy and depressed too and... Feeling really dull too, like I can't and don't have any urging to make any poetry or make anything interesting out of the dulldrom of my life, and like writing about it would only depress me further...

I haven't been up to much, to catch on, hanging with Jo, on those trips, which were nothing exciting, working at the club, trying to do homework and work out, and play a little when I can, disappointing dates...

I did go to a reading by my favorite author, who I've written to, back and forth, a few times, about his books, the only real literature I've read in over a year... His most recent book, the one he was reading from but that I read 6 months ago the day it came out in hardcover, is one of those life imitates informs and synchroni3es with art and back... to me... inspired some of the names I use in my songs and stuff... he remembered me and we talked it, and it's about a singer my age and he wanted to hear my music...

But here's what's up.

I went to see Julian today. And my insurance denied the coverage for twice weekly sessions. I knew they would. I really did.

So. I'm behind on the payment for the sessions they didn't cover... And the ones they will cover, would make it balance out... and he gave me some options to appeal it again... but he was shocked they denied it, and said they never have before because they're changing their policy... so he doesn't know if they'll deny it again... He offered some ways to make up for the payments and get around it and discount and that he thinks I should continue twice a week, and I was just so stunned, but not, in a way... And he asked me to let him know by tomorrow if I want to come in on Friday... and I wrote him again... and I just don't know what to do... I told him I need to talk to him and that I understand that he probably can't before tomorrow so I'll keep it and we'll figure it out on Friday. But. Maybe this is just a sign. I don't know what to do. I really don't. With anything. With anything.

BLAH

oh, I just cannot suck my gut in any longer, I'm sitting in the dressing room w my flannel on.

2:15 to Yuma

2 hours and this day, this 3 days, this little chapter, will be over too. I'm at work, 99 kinds of overit as usual, making decent money but feeling fat as a house, sluggish, depressed, depressed... I haven't been at a computer in ages. These last 80 hours, these last 80 hours since Julian to be honest, have been the slowest hell. I spent all weekend waiting to just get home, and then, hour at the airport, 2.5 hrs on the plane, hour at the other airport, hour on the other plane, half hour on the bus, half hour on the train, stuffing my face and lugging my shit te whole way through, reading a vampire romance novel for teenagers, finally got home prepared to crash out in solitude since I'd told everyone I was gonna be back a day later, and Vinnie called me in to work and I just went, to do a favor, and here I am, and I can barely keep my eyes open and my shoes are broken and my stockings keep falling down, and I'm bloated.
...And furthermore, I'm depressed. Though being here, is kind of helping... It would if I weren't so damn sluggish, but I am. Lethargic in the way only a depressive can be... But man. I really am glad to be home. I really am.

clinically depressed in Austin

I forgot about all these trips. I'm in no shape to be traveling... Though Austin is one of my favorite cities, by now I've been reducded to a comatose, teary, reservation canceling lump on my friend's bed. I just wanna go home. Tomorrow. Thank god. I thought I had one more day. That wouldv'e been impossible. I don't want to do ANYTHING, including read, talk, eat, move, drink, think, watch tv... Sleep is ok. I've been sleeping well. Everything seems impossible. Airport seems impossible. Flying. Staying here, more so.