Thursday, April 29, 2010

Well, now's your turn to say "I told you so."

J: You look pensive.

S: Don't I always look pensive?

J: Sometimes. Is that a denial?

S: (laughs) No.

J: What are you pensive about?

S: (long pause) I am pensive about my feelings.

J: (laughs after long pause) Go on...

S: (laughs) Yes. My feelings about you. That's what I'm pensive about.

J: (long pause) What's the thought process about the feelings? Well, not the feelings, I think I know the feelings, you write about them... What's the meta-thought process?

S: I'm conflicted, on the one hand, they feel really good sometimes... And then usually followed by pain and frustration. The conflict between the bliss of loving someone and the hell of wanting something you can't--

J: Something impossible.

S: Right. Impossible.

J: When we first started talking about this--

S: I know. I know what you said. But somehow I deluded myself again. People have convinced themselves of cra3ier shit.

J: When we first started talking about this. I felt kind of panicked. Well, panicked, maybe isn't the right word but... I was anxious to resolve the...

S: Awkwardness?

J: You're not deluded. I've thought about this a lot too... and I... wanted to say that I have very strong feelings for you too. I think I should be open about that with you. It's not like I'm blind to how beautiful you are. I think our brains are a lot alike. I think you're like me, with talent. I mean I was never able to play music, or write creatively... I tried in my psychology papers but it was always very logical, philosophical arguments... I don't have the ability to make these sentences... that are like... creative. Like that one. (laughs) So, you're not deluded, and you're not imagining this connection. And under different circumstances I... And it's really important to me, to be a part of your life, it means a lot to me that I'm important in your life. But it just can't be reciprocated.

S: Uh huh.

J: Do you want to move on?

S: Yes.

J: I think I can tell you something about myself, that will help you move on. Demystify my life a little. Can I?

S: By all means.

J: I know you know that I have kids. You've never asked about them.

S: I haven't felt comfortable.

J: I have two daughters. And I'm expecting a third.


I said Congratulations. I asked how old his daughters were. I started crying uncontrollably, making jokes here and there. He was watching me. He said he really hates hurting me this much. I said I hate everything and want to die. And laughed. So did he. I kept making jokes about "go-time." He laughed, "Ha, go-time." I said I have a photoshoot after this for some sunglasses and I can't go. And I don't want to get into my car. Or drive. Or go home. And I said I'm angry. With you. Tell me. He said. I think you should have addressed this sooner. When you know, as you said, palpably felt the intensity of my feelings. That's fair. And you're probably right, I just, felt like I hammered you last time. I wanted to wait until- Well apparently i needed to be hammered some more.

I threw my checkbook at him. Here. I said. What do I owe you. I think we should figure this out on Tuesday... I think we should do it NOW. I... I'll need to figure out what it would be... It's go-time now huh. Yes. Got it. I stormed passed him open the door myself and and didnt close it behind me and walked the fuck out of there.

1 comment:

  1. :( this is both sad and yet...I KNOW you could tell that he does have feelings for you too...which had to feel good. Probably not too good tho...gotta keep reading I hate that I am so far behind all other readers lol! I have to catch up and know where you are in life now!