Welcome to my life.

It's nothing but French curls and crazy circles here.

I had to reboot; all this wiring, it wasn't for naught, but tangles and tangles for too long and you're stuck with a head full of dreads.

Black and white thinking is common in Borderline types, but you seem to forget that some things just are black and white.

You understand me or you don't.

You're with me or you're not.

You can or you can't.

This is a symphony or it's not.

Everything I own is absolutely filthy fucked. Everything I own is covered in cat hair. Everything I own is covered in the dust of ideas I had and tears I shed while I was writing Act II. Everything I wrote became real, and everything real become something I wrote.

What did you do today? I waited and waited and waited.

Hmmph.

I can't fight gravity today... I'm debating on whether to go to my make-up ballet class or not... I'm just so tired, and it would be the advanced class... and it's been five years... I don't remember that stuff... It would just be makeup the class...

I did nothing but dream about Julian yesterday.. well I cleaned a little and did homework, and went to my Psych class, which was funny this time, and played piano... but I thought about him a lot. I wonder if I've been misreading him all along... if all he meant by what he said was that he knows it's been hard for me, but that that makes me who I am now? "In some ways I wish you hadn't... But then we wouldn't be here today, so..." It could mean anything. Along with everything else he said, and how he was acting, and how he's been with me, all along, it seems pretty clear what he was referring to. And when I'm with him, ah, the connection (and sexual tension. Ohlord.) is so strong I have no doubts about it and I leave his office feeling so alive... But now, I just wonder if I'm projecting my own feelings on him, seeing what I want to see, people have certainly done that with me.

He told me yesterday, With regards to the e-mails... if there's something you want to ask me, or to bring up, you have to bring it up in here... I understand that... and now it also DAWNED on me that he CAN'T respond in e-mails. For a million reasons, one of which is so obvious, for professional reasons, he can't reveal anything any kind of reaction or opinion or anything but purely impersonal psych-speak which is so unlike him in person.

I just have so much to say to him. And it doesn't come out. I need to just buck up. I don't know what this shy business is... I'm a stripper for godssake. And I've never felt so exposed in my life, as I do sitting across from him in that office.

Love and Leaves and Lorries rollin' by...

Scarlet-O

Well, here goes something.

So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...

My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.

I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.

One thing I did do:

Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.

S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'

Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.

S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'

Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...

S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'

Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.

S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'

J: Ahhh...

S: No, you can't, because no normal-

J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?

S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...

J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?

S: Oh my god, YES!

-----------------------------------------

Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.

And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.

I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...

Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?

Hello, my name is S------ and I am an alcoholic.

Now actually trembling with the DTs I consider curbing my alcohol intake..