So, hmm. Scene Six, Take Two.

Well hell's belles.

Okay. So this is what happened again. I deleted some about it, but over the last couple weeks I've just been kinda bubbling up again, on the lemon-gin-fi33-that-is... I've-

I've been doing other stuff, too. I'm going out with a 3illionaire. His address isn't even a real address. I met him at that party I went to with the necro. And we've gone out twice. Haven't really kissed him yet, clearly, NO interest-- but we've gone out twice. And will on Friday. Probably. He is actually- and I know I've said this, but I do mean it this time- really kinda brilliant, and kinda awesome, but, I am just not attracted. I am just not. Not when I've got Dr. Drrr-r-reamy-ohmygod-shutup-nowaythatsyourshrink-he'sgorgeous-says-every-girlfriend-I've-linked-to-his website to satiate their curiousity, fuck, sitting at me like that.

He sat so close to me last week. I touched his leg. Not even by accident. Not even by pretend-accident. Just one of those, like, "Oh my god I KNOW!" things where you touch the person, to more emphatically relate on a point. And he kinda tapped me back, with his foot. When I was like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was just like--" and did it again. And then he moved his feet away. I mourned on the inside.

And THEN, a minute after THAT, he moved them back. Closer. So our feet were touching. For a few minutes. And I had to pretend four of my six stomachs weren't doing the cumbia.

He has a huge, roomy office. No need to be up on me like that.

And those last couple weeks were straight BAR-CHAT. Jokes and movie recommendations and restaurant recommendations and even [no] religion & politics [at the bar]. I've gone to three of his restaurant recommendations in the last week. He's like-- marking his territory. Cu3 I'm not gonna think of anything else now, at those places, in my (and his) neighborhood. And I've seen two of his movies and have the next two in my Netflix queue and-- he's got one of mine now. One I bought. That I lent him. Ayup. Got it indefinitely. Scented version. Hahahaha. That shit is CKOne'd out of its goddamn mind believe me.

But, so, all that being said. I am still, not, anything, clearly, with him, and, still, doubt that I ever will be (as in, there is doubt, not as in, I totally doubt), so, yeah, I drank myself UTTERLY STUPID over the last few days, everyone, I apologi3e, and, well, I was really upset, because, like, this is happening again, where I just can't not-say-anything-anymore, it's the same thing, again, so, now, I wrote him, that little thing I posted about my dream, but, also, something substantially longer, a little more direct (but not much. This is direct as I get.) and I saw him today, and, didn't say anything, but was not all cheery like I have been, and he said so, and there was a little bit of restaurant and movie talk but then it sorta stopped, like it always does when I'm feelin' weird, because, well, it's Julian, I'm not putting on a show for him and he knows I'm a wackjob. And he knows I'm not.

Well I earned it.

I was so tired of running around. Is that what you're supposed to do, is that what normal people do, go from one thing to another, finish a work shift or a long run and head right over to drown in a group of people, and drink and drink and drink?

I feel much better now, much better after spending last night in, watching weird movies and leaving the lights off. I feel much better after getting up at 3 pm today and spending 5 hours cleaning my house, and writing a letter, and playing the piano. Then this photographer came over to test shoot me for some catalog thing, and it was fine, and I got paid, and he was very nice and earnest and liked my music and offered more, offered more, as Julian said "and you'll sit there nodding your head to the psychic noise and the floating promises..."

I don't think I'd ever heard him quite as poetic as he was on Friday. We nearly got into an argument. He said my intelligence was overshadowed by my beauty. He said "you're cringing... but... I think you know it's true..." He said, "I think you know better than this, I mean come on, you're going into a situation, it's a cliche, you're smart enough to-- you can limit yourself to one drink and watch everyone else get drunk and if these men are trying to USE you, you can USE them too, if they're offering these--"

And I cut him off and I said, "I know you find mean women more attractive Julian. But it's just not in my nature. I can't be like that."

"No, I don't think you should be like that, I was just saying, all of these men are attracted to you, they might be--"

"But I don't even want them, like that."

"But you're GETTING with them. Like THAT."

I glared at him. "It's not like it's been, 10 million people here..."

"Okay, I'm not, okay, I'm going to be critical here. Can I speculate?"

"Go."

"I think that just saying, well, I didn't plan for it to happen, I think it's a cop-out, I think you've gotten past that, with the drinking, and with Stefan, I think you see all these things before they happen and for some reason you're ignoring that knowledge and... I don't know why... Does that sound right?"

"Yes. You are right. I don't know why either. Maybe I just don't care."

And he nodded when I said I don't care.

"Can I say one more thing, and then I'll let you have the last word, because we're way over time?"

I nodded.

"I just think you're selling yourself short."

"It's hard not to drink at these awful parties."

"Oh, I'm sure, I know, it's hideous, all that psychic noise, and the floating promises... Sick puppies."

I laughed. "They're demons, everywhere, they see your light, and they just want to take it and put it in a little box and make some money off of it, and I don't want to lose my light..."

"I don't think you're... in danger of becoming dark, like that."

"I can't play this game." I said. He was looking at the floor. "What?" I said, "What else?"

"Nothing, I'm just sympathi3ing, I guess. I'm sorry you're in so much pain over this."

"So, these ama3ing clients you have, that swim through it all painlessly and succeed, what is it that they have, Julian?"

"They don't, I don't know, you know Scarlet, a lot of people have a lot LESS than you. I don't know how to swim through it, I don't have those answers--"

"I wasn't asking you for The Answer."

"I know you weren't. Well. Okay. I guess it's something to think about for Tuesday." He got up. "Here, if you can fill that out.." He handed me the clipboard again, of the inventory thing for the insurance companies. I'd forgotten to fill out the back. "Sorry..." he said. "I'll see you Tuesday, ok?"

"Yes, okay." I went into his lobby and filled out the thing as slowly as I could. And I have to say, I love him, as much as I ever have.

Endgame???

I wrote a blog this morning that didn't make it up because my internet's been on the fritz lately.

I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.

JERK.

Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.

He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.

He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."

HA! HAHAHAHA.

I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.

I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.

Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?

He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?

I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??

Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:

Bam

Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.


Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.

Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.

Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.

Amen

Hmmph.

I can't fight gravity today... I'm debating on whether to go to my make-up ballet class or not... I'm just so tired, and it would be the advanced class... and it's been five years... I don't remember that stuff... It would just be makeup the class...

I did nothing but dream about Julian yesterday.. well I cleaned a little and did homework, and went to my Psych class, which was funny this time, and played piano... but I thought about him a lot. I wonder if I've been misreading him all along... if all he meant by what he said was that he knows it's been hard for me, but that that makes me who I am now? "In some ways I wish you hadn't... But then we wouldn't be here today, so..." It could mean anything. Along with everything else he said, and how he was acting, and how he's been with me, all along, it seems pretty clear what he was referring to. And when I'm with him, ah, the connection (and sexual tension. Ohlord.) is so strong I have no doubts about it and I leave his office feeling so alive... But now, I just wonder if I'm projecting my own feelings on him, seeing what I want to see, people have certainly done that with me.

He told me yesterday, With regards to the e-mails... if there's something you want to ask me, or to bring up, you have to bring it up in here... I understand that... and now it also DAWNED on me that he CAN'T respond in e-mails. For a million reasons, one of which is so obvious, for professional reasons, he can't reveal anything any kind of reaction or opinion or anything but purely impersonal psych-speak which is so unlike him in person.

I just have so much to say to him. And it doesn't come out. I need to just buck up. I don't know what this shy business is... I'm a stripper for godssake. And I've never felt so exposed in my life, as I do sitting across from him in that office.

Love and Leaves and Lorries rollin' by...

Scarlet-O

And THIS is what I let Julian know:

Short one here!

Just, about tomorrow- I know you were in an awkward spot trying to be sensitive to my feelings and yet needing to say what you have to say and I just want you to know that it's understood. I understand why those feelings are, different, in therapy, and need to be dealt with, and I'm dealing. I'm overit. Heh. I understand why it is a fantasy, not because it's distorted or anything transferred or any of that, but just because it can never happen. So it's a fantasy... all those dreams and all that stuff, fantasy, my narrative about you in my head, that has nothing to do with you, or your life, there are 99 ways in which I know nothing about you. And I understand why you feel that might be beneficial or even essential to therapy, and I respect that and trust it. I don't need to know, I realize it's a fantasy, fantasies are nice, in fantasies people don't hog the bed, or forget to call, or call too much, or need you too much, or put you on a pedestal, or put you down, or pick arguments about nothing that are all about one thing that can never be fixed, or try to sound casual when they ask who just called, or yell at you for talking to someone or for never being there or because it costs too much, or ignore you all night, or hurt you, or hurt themselves, or leave.

But. I don't let them consume me.. or interfere with my life. I don't live in a fantasy. So. I'm present, in reality. K.

Til Tuesday, 12 hours, gonna burn rubber from that school and get there no later than 12 04. 12 07. Yeah, 12 07.

This is what I know.

Seeing J tomorrow. Have to burn rubber over there right after school. I'm gonna be mortified, but probably funny, he's gonna be compassionate, and explain to me more reasons why a therapist/patient relationship has to be different, it's different, it's one-sided, it can't... Yes.

That's what's going to happen.

And what do I want?

I want to keep seeing him. I want to drop it. The whole subject. He said he could see me getting past it. So I think I will. I think I'll love him, in that special way, that you love some people you never screw, and move on with my life, and find other people to screw.

I wanna tell him I get it already. And I really want to drop it. And talk about my show. And my day. And missing school. And past relationships, and how I can change them. I'm with ya, J, I'm two steps ahead of you.

Of course, this is what's going to happen, it couldn't happen any other way, if he had any integrity as a therapist a), and b) because yeah well I'd just never fit into his world even if he were interested in me at all, which I guess he never was. But that's okay. He cares about me, the way he cares for people, as a healer, as his job. It's beautiful. Like my friend Subi said. And she's so beautiful and funny and crazy. I love her... She said he'll cut me off though... And say he couldn't see me anymore. I said no way. She said ok, girl, we'll see. That's NOT gonna happen. He's in perfect control of the situation, and I'm cool and gonna get over it too.

That's what I know.

Love and Learning to Exhale,

Scarlet-O

Hey guess what? UGH

Yeah. Obviously. I'm not even gonna write about it now. But yeah. Obvious. Not gonna quit or stop going though... Yet...

90 minutes til take-off.

Oh, the countdown. This is silly, how I'm acting. But... what am I gonna do, I probably lack the balls to do what I suggested... Anyone??? Someone help!!!

So. Tomorrow.

Eureka, got it. "What would make you feel more comfortable telling me, here?"

YOU. Get over here.

"Maybe a slight shift in the seating arrangement, from that intimidating thing with your chair? Like if you sat on that couch maybe? Or this one?"

Good, right?

TYSON'S MCNUGGETS

I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.

Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.

So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...

So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...

So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???

Well, here goes something.

So, I had a busy week.. Still to come, tonight I'll probably play at, let's just call it the Twilight Room, Eamonn's little joint. Whatever. Unless I'm really too exhausted... But I have to dump my laundry, write a bunch of letters, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse...

My date with Julian on Tuesday was good. I came in, a little drenched and harried, from class... I had written him e-mails, of course, one thinking I wouldn't be able to make it and wanting to reschedule, another saying I had to take it even if it was schedule during class because I needed it, and then another, realizing it didn't really conflict if I hurried and hoping it was still open... So, he asked, why I said I needed it.

I sheepishly told him about Eamonn, sheepish to Nth power, because for some reason I cannot say the word "sex" in front of him, or anything, which sort of rules out many methods of seduction... He's very accommodating to that, and throws out euphemisms like "linked up romantically," throws some bones.

One thing I did do:

Well, I think J is divorced and has a kid. I'm pretty sure in fact. So, I purposely set up the story the same way.

S: After all of that... he says, 'you know I'm divorced?'

Beat. No eye contact, sees JULIAN in her periphery.

S: (CONT'D) I was like, 'Yeah, you were talking about her...' and he was like, 'Well, we're still finalizing our divorce..' (JULIAN starts to sort of nod like, Oh, oh, I see, that might be--) and I was like, 'Oh yeah? How long have you been separated?' and he's like 'Two and a half years,' and I was like, 'Oh yeah, I know it takes forever.' (J releases the pose...) and then he's like 'And I have a son.' (J sits up very straight, back in position, but right away-) and I was like 'Oh, that's cool, I bet he's amazing, what's his name' (and JULIAN relaxes back, offset in a good way...) and all that and then he says 'I have a stepson too...' and I'm like, 'Okay...'

Finally, she looks him straight in the eye, and he's following, he has no idea where this story is going...

S: (CONT'D) 'From her?' and he's like 'Yeah from her...' and I'm just like, okay where is this going? And he's like, 'And I support all of them...'

Beat. She lingers a second in suspense.

S: And then he goes, 'And you saw that car out there?' And I was just like, 'Yeah...' and somehow I just knew what he was gonna say. Okay, can you guess?'

J: Ahhh...

S: No, you can't, because no normal-

J: (laughs) Wait, wait, let me guess... What kind of car was it?

S: Like a Honda, jeep, kinda thing...

J: Okay, okay, he... he lives in his car?

S: Oh my god, YES!

-----------------------------------------

Anyway. Yeah. Sorry to redraw that whole thing, but, I just wanted you to say it from J's perspective... Well, my perspective of his perspective... but anyway... then I started saying how crazy it was and how completely dealbroke, and we both joked about it and he was being really funny, but, part of my point is that I put in the whole divorced-with-a-kid in there, to point out how that was NOT the issue.

And I told him how Eamonn had told me about some tribe in the rainforest that didn't argue or anything, and how he thought it was like paradise, and Julian made a joke about okay, well, he idealizes utopias because he lives in his car, haha, and then he told me about one tribe that didn't have recursion and he said there was this great article about it, and he'd find it, and he then as soon as I left he e-mailed it to me, and I wrote like three long e-mails in response, and now I came to see him today, after fantasizing about him all week, like every second, and he was on the cold side, and acted irritated at a lot of things I said, except when I made him a laugh, a few times... and I talked about my psych class and he told me about a class he had once, which was 'ghastly,' where the teacher asked them to write about how she'd helped them, at the end of every class, and J said she made an example of him a lot for being the white male and all that, and how she sat in his lap once, and he was like, she liked me though, and I said, I'm sure she did.

I also mentioned the movie he recommended me, one I watched, and one that I had to order, that was on its way, and he recommended another one, and couldn't remember the name, so he sent me the link a couple hours ago after I left and I responded and said I wanted to send him my music but I didn't know if that was cool, and furthermore, I am too chicken to do so right nw, and he hasn't responded and I don't know if he will, and I don't know if I'm going to, or wait til I see him in person on Tuesday, or what, but I have to tell him soon. He is irritated with me. Maybe because he knows I'm not telling him and therefore not being open about what's really going on, and when everything else is going well, talking around in circles about irrelevant little slices of the day...

Again, I have half a mind to just write, Julian, I am in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I wish I could have been that teacher so I can sit in your lap. Don't you fucking know that?

Love and Longterm Planning

Love you all... Yes, I got my book back. Finally. And I'm not drinking... And Julian is evermore beautiful and today I had so much fun talking to him and he sent me this article he thought I'd like and I wanna tell you all about it, but I have class in the morning again, I have homework, I had psychology class tonight that was a joke and 3 hours, and I have to go to bed!!! Just enough food left for Madeline and none for me. Oh well. Sleep first.

Love and lust and like and loathe,

Scarlet O'Doing-all-I-can

The Homeless Professor: Part 1

I'm saying just suck it up, Scarlet, you let your emotions get the best of you... Electric wires gone astray... Not real. Nothing is wrong.

This was my night. I went to see Julian at seven (it was seven). I teased and blew out my hair, letting it fall in sexy soft waves, I wore something subtly sexy, and partly because I decided, if I could make it on time to go this elite open-mic place in the hip neighborhood. I called them ahead of time, and they said I could get a spot if I got a ticket, but they sold out fast. But they had a piano, real one, and microphones and amps and mixer. So I wouldn't have to lug my stuff. I was gonna play it by ear.

Anyway I got to Julian's. We just talked about movies and languages. It really was like a date. He sat closer to me. He showed me cuts on his hand. He was dressed more casually. He dimmed the lights a little when I walked in. He told me he spoke Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese. I asked how long he lived in Europe, and he told me, six months, and I said, that's incredible, and he said it was easy. He acted modest (well no, that's the wrong word-- he was not being modest) and said Oh, I'd studied it in college for a year and a half before. I said, A year and a half? He said Well, another few months there. I said, Wow. I talked about the Gypsy Kings, that's how this started actually, how I know all the lyrics but have no clue what I'm saying... He corrected me a few times. I talked about my music... I wanted to ask him what kind he liked, but I forgot.

When I walked in, the first thing he said was, I remembered this line you wrote at the end of your e-mails, 'It's raining, too.'

I said, "It is."

He wrote me an appointment card, and I saw that on the back of it he's written something, and they were two movie recommendations.

When? When will this happen, J.

Nervous...

For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.

A Spade a Spade?

Um, hmm. I might write later... Yeah, I don't wanna think about it. Nothing happened today, I chatted my way out of a box. J said he thinks I might have trouble having a relationship on this depth with men without being hit on "or that dynamic... I mean this is speculative, I don't know if you have..." I said I have. I don't know what the fuck I said. Ugh. I'm going to the piano. Ugh.

Act II

Maybe this is Act II of this drama, maybe finally, after being stuck on Act I of Scarlet on the Couch.

And it blows.

I don't think he likes me anymore, like that, I don't think it'll ever happen, I can't see it anymore, and it's raining, I can't see through the rain again, I think it's just therapist-patient now, for him, and consequently for me too, because in love there are no one-way streets. Maybe it's healthy, the way it's moved on, maybe he decided to take it there, and maybe it's a good thing, but I don't know, because right now I'm just so mad, and I'm crying, and I'm mad at him, and he knows it, and yeah, he got me emotional, but not for the right reasons, and no, it's not because I don't think he likes me anymore.

He interrupted me. He let me talk and talk and I don't think he was interested, and I wasn't particularly interested either, about my mom's death, and the aftermath, and then he interrupted me mid-sentence, because the time was out, and I burst into tears, and he said, What, what is it, and I said, I don't know it was just being stopped in the middle, and he said, I'm sorry, I should've said something sooner but I didn't want to interrupt, and he said, It felt like, it was easy for you to say a lot of that, and then there was this emotion, and it caught me off-guard, but I had to...
"Before I stopped?"
"Yes-"
"Really?"
"Yes,"
"What was it, what was I saying?"
"Something about your dad's wife?"
"His house, I said it was his house."
"Oh. What was the emotion?"
"No idea... Wasn't that boring?"
"...It's my job..."
WOW. "Heh." Burst sobbing again, a bit.
"We can take a minute... to wind down..."
"I feel self-conscious."
"Why do you feel self-conscious?"
"I don't know how long it'll take me to wind down..." Julian laughed.

I got up and walked to the door, as he asked, so all set for... I said, Thursday. No, not Thursday, he said, Friday, do you want me to give you a card? I probably have a card somewhere, I said and made another step to the door, and he was already scribbling it down on a card. He handed it to me. I looked at him for a sec, then walked out.

I opened the door myself.

The Psychic and the Psychologist

Yesterday, I didn't get to touch him.

But I brought up the psychic thing. We were talking about my mom... I was, I mean. He was silent mostly and I laid on the couch looking up not at him and I just let all sorts of things spill out, viscera floorwards, but poetic, wistful, funny... He was kind of mesmerized... I turned around at one point and he was watching and I said What??? And he said What?? And I said, You were... looking at me like I just came crashing into your office from the moon... and he said, Oh, no, not at all...

And then I said... I know you don't believe in them. But I do and I take some comfort in... communication with... spirits... Like my dreams about her... But they're never...

"So, you enjoy these dreams that you feel are- you enjoy communicating with your mother?"

"Well, no, because they've never been good." I looked at him. "It's always like I'm panicked, I'm asking myself, what the fuck happened, didn't she die?? When was that? Did I tell everyone she was dead? Like, she's often not there, but her presence is there, but it's, it's dread, I'm in the basement of my old house and there are canvases everywhere, and they're charred..." I sat up and hugged my knees. "And then there was one where she was sitting on, we had this big yard you know, with a, a patio, and she was sitting on the patio with her feet on the grass in a nightgown and, she said, Don't you know? Don't you know I'm dead? Touch my face," and I put my hand on my cheek, "See how it's cold?" Julian kind of nodded, slowly.

"I knoooow, they're just manifestations of my own uncertainties, my emotions, constructions of my mind, right, yes, and all that shit. I know." He didn't say anything.

"Whatever they are, explained or unexplained. Magic is just a matter of semantics. I'm sure I sound like every walk-in wacko. But. So it goes." I laughed. I wasn't looking at him.

"I have predictive dreams too." I looked at him and half-smiled. "Crazy, right?"

He half-smiled.

Politics and the Divided Self:

And now a word from the pundits on the left:

But it's not all in her head. There are a few things that happened, that are fact, that are irreducible, that are not just her interpretation. Like, a few weeks ago, when this is all started, (not my infatuation with J, which predates all this by 3 months, but when things got weird) we were talking about, something, toward the end of a session, he started acting really irritable, and short with me, and he stopped making eye contact with me and he told me time was up really abruptly, no "Last thoughts?" and something vague about a call he had to make, and he gave me my appointment card, pretty much dropped the thing into my hand and recoiled, and when I stood there, dumbfounded, looking at the card, he stared up at me and said, "Whatever it is can WAIT."

See, I didn't move because I've never even touched that door. He opens it every single time. Every time. He's a gentleman, it's a common courtesy, and sitting at his desk while I left was just SO off... So I was just, standing there like an idiot, and then mumbled "Sorry" and started backing out and he looked back down at his desk and didn't say Bye or anything... And then the next session, which wasn't for a week because Dan took me to Miami, well the next session he was just, harsh. He almost made me cry I felt so uncomfortable. He attacked and picked apart things I said, he didn't smile once, he snapped at me for touching a shelf or having my feet up which are things I always do and go without notice... That was when I started this blog. He hasn't been that way since, thank Christ.

And the Right:

She has a pretty powerful imagination. The "facts" don't exist here, they don't even belong, they have no place in this setting, a therapist's office, or rather, the recollection of a therapist's office as seen through the eyes of a lonely, romantic, oversexed, highly imaginative but emotionally adolescent 24-year old singer/writer/stripper. The ultimate taboo, what a juicy premise for a late-night fantasy or a confessional blog, maybe? Even if there were an attraction or even a flirtation it would likely be subconscious and therefore not a flirtation at all, but just the natural behavior people who are of fond of each other, on any level, who have a connection. Verdict: This isn't Hollywood, kids.

And center: Ugh! That's enough out of the two of you! Shout out to John, thanks for commenting, and thanks for caring :-) It isn't Hollywood, so what other outcome could there have been than this, anti-climactic, aimless denouement...?

Love, Left, Right, and Center,

Scarlet-O

Ode to the Art of Holding Horses--

Whoooooaa, Girl!

I used to ride 'em, too. Disgraceful.

Okay, I won't delete my last post because that would be cheating, censorship and denial, but I'm gonna take it easy with the trigger-happy temper-tantrum trash-talk from now on... If I'm a jackass, I'm a jackass, but Julian is not, and really, he's done nothing wrong in any way, hell, I don't even know if he's ever been flirtatious at this point, I don't know if this has all just been in my head...

That being said, the HeadSpin on today is that... Oh god it feels deluded to even suggest, but...

Okay, okay, first the No Spin Zone Play-by-Play. Well I came back in feeling lethal and hollow. I sat down and after the five-minute warmup routine he asked if I had anything else on my mind and if not then, okay, and I stopped fidgeting and crossed my legs and put my hands in my lap and looked straight at him with my own impenetrable pokerface, the kind I can only manage when the stakes are high, prepared to be utterly unmoved, and okay then, he was "just thinking about talking last week and-- wondering if maybe sometimes I give the impression that, well, like about the movie for example--"

YES? Bring it already, goddamnit!

"I don't want to underplay the effect past experiences and upbringing could have, because, it seems they might weigh quite heavily on you, and we hardly discuss them, it's almost conspicuously absent..."

Zoink??? Okay... Well, the pokerface was still a good bet (when's it not?) and thanks to J's penchance for polysyllabic English, and the slow, deliberate way he articulates, I made a full recovery by the time I had to respond (though I wonder if the gratitude and relief were hidden entirely.)

So, anyway, we ended up talking about my family and stuff, which I'll avoid here too, for as long as I can, though if the lien on personal photos is any indication... I just don't wanna nail too many people to the cross here... But, yeah, it was just Julian being beautiful Julian, and I can't complain about that.

But okay, it really felt deliberate. I know how bananas that sounds... but it did, that ambiguous lead-in, the announcement of the pending Big Question (again!), the suspense, the phrasing- concerned about giving off an impression? It's just that, Julian IS.CALCULATED. He is. This is what he does, he is a clinical psychologist, and he's psycho-smart, and there is not a snowflake's chance in hell he's unaware I have a mean, steamy hard-on for him, and okay, I'm gonna stop. Maybe he's just trying to bring things to a balance...

Ohhhh yea. Ohhhh yea. Uhhhh-huh.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained.

If I wrote this hours ago, if I wrote this entry this evening, when I got home, and not after midnight after being talked down from the clouds by Elena, back into the stratosphere, I'd sound different... In fact, I think I wouldn'tve been able to write at all...

I left Julian's office today shaking. Elated, scared, crying, I couldn't even listen to music or drive to school, but I didn't know what else to do, so I drove to school, and got lost even though Julian's office and school and my house are within 5 minutes of each other. And I kept calling Elena because I was losing it but she wasn't picking up. I got to counseling and they had some issues with registration for one of my classes and I started shaking again, near tears, like, "I can't... I can't do this... I can't... FIND THIS CRAP RIGHT NOW!" And then, I had to semi-break up with a guy-who-thinks- thought-he-is-was-my-boyfriend, and then Elena called while he was over, and I was like, "Hey Dan it's Elena I really have to talk to her!!!" and let him walk out without saying good-bye and he gave me the dirtiest look and he was totally gob-smacked crestfallen and I am SUCH an asshole and this is why.

I woke up really early and I couldn't get back to sleep and my phone was just inexplicably dead, like CONKED, so I just got up and went and bought it a new battery and a new vocal mic for my music and some other crap and a Starbucks and then I got home with still like a good 5 hours before Julian, 5 hours in an leaky hourglass.

I knew what I wanted to talk to him about, kinda, I had questions planned out, and ideas, like I always do, and I wanted to record something with the new mic but planning my outfit became an operatic event. And I wanted to walk to Julian's and then school to get my daily 5 miles in (I'm kind of obsessed with my legs... they're naturally kinda muscular and always were when I was dancing ballet but then I got kinda skinny until I started working at the club again and now I work it out and wear shorts or skirts whenever possible, especially to see certain men... even in the winter... over panty-hose, anyway!) but then Father Time started shaking his sceptre and I was like Ok, Ok, S-O, you're gonna drive it's fine. So I found some really high shorts and panty-hose, and boots, and a top that was both womanly European feminine sophisticated and still with a handsome dip of cleavage, and I got in my little beater and made my way over there, getting whistled at and propositioned, and driving like a maniac, weaving through lanes, beautiful parking karma, made it, made it, made it.

I got in the waiting room and flicked his little light thingy. No noise. Two minutes. Two minutes late. My heart sank and I panicked. I feel like he's been doing that a lot lately. He used to come out 30 seconds after I showed up. I looked at my phone... I found a magazine with a cover story about something I knew he probably read or wanted to read... And then I saw him strolling into his office from the hallway and he waved.

He was dressed a little more casual today, no blazer, he looked a little breathless.

"Sorry I'm late!"

"No, no!"

.....

"How's your kitty doing?" I made sure to ask, so he'd see that I'm not, under normal circumstances, 100% self-absorbed all the time.

"Making progress," his smile lit up the goddamn zip-code.

"Ahhh, are you treating him?" He'd made a joke about his cat having psychological issues... so we joked about that... and then my cat... And then I brought out my opener:

"So... my blow-off list is getting really long... Florida guy wants to-- wanted to come over, I mean-- he IS coming over, and like, I just... I downright can't stand the guy anymore. I mean he's an idiot. Like... How could I not have seen it? He's like, borderline-retarded. I'm just NOT."

"Hey why don't you tell me how you really feel." J jokes. He's made that joke before when I'm ranting about some kangaroo I've been seeing for the free goodies.

And I started to talk about why it was so hard for me to say no to the duderz, not sexually, but like, that no I wasn't interested romantically, even though I wasn't, and being with someone I don't really like makes me really uncomfortable actually, and he got me to admit that I kinda liked the option of having people to pay for stuff, and he said, Okay, fair enough, and I said that sounds awful, that's terrible, and he said (and he quoted verbatim from an e-mail I sent him once about this writer we both like who thinks it's human nature for men to pay for sex) "What happened to 'Thank you, PINKER!'?"

"I know! I don't know... I guess that one year of Sunday school did its thing... Societal norms..."

"Well," he said, and he's starting to give his opinion more and more now, "I think, Buddhistically, sorry, but that maybe it's not Right Practice."

"I know. It's not."

"Did this guy leave yet?"

"No- maybe- I don't know- I was just thinking the same thing-" I pulled out my phone, "Should I just? What do I say?"

And now comes the part where J dictates How to Blow a Guy Off Without Being a Total Asshole about it, as I text. When Dan would respond, I'd show it to J, like a little kid, and he'd advise. And Dan called frantically like 5 times while I was there, and, and...

And then I started talking about being lonely, and Elena not returning my calls, and all the fake conversations at the club and the fact that I don't talk to a soul "except her... and you..." and how all I do all week is listen, listen, smile and laugh and feign interest and "I'm sure you can relate" and then I started crying, which I never do in front of him, but I couldn't help it, and he just said, "I think you're just saying you have to pay a price for solitude..." and then we just looked at each other silently, well, stared, and my heart made its way up my trachea, and I couldn't look at him, and then I looked at him, and he was looking at my legs, and I realized I'd been running my hands up and down them for probably 20 minutes, and my face flushed and he looked back at me and I realized my lips were parted and I caught my breath and looked away and then at him and sort of smiled and then away and then up and down him and then at the floor and his blue eyes were burning through me and it was like probably a whole minute that felt like forever like glorious, glorious, blazing forever.

Then he asked me about the YouTube link he sent me. (Last week, off-hand, at the end of an e-mail about some insurance thing... got me going. Really got me going.)

And then we talked about movies. I told him he has to see Lars and the Real Girl. I found myself describing the whole plot to him and then stopping myself and then he described a whole movie to me, a depressing movie, and then he said, and on that happy note! And, as always,

"Last thoughts?" and then, "I actually had something terribly important to say but I lost it so I guess it will have to wait till next time." Which is what I said a couple sessions back. ("Last thoughts?" "Yeah but... they're not like two-minute thoughts so, no...") And he got up and then he slowly turned back and said, "Well actually I was late so, we have two more minutes."

"Oh. Yes. I need my two minutes."

He sat back down and my phone buzzed again. "Florida guy?"

"Not during my two minutes!" I smacked the phone.

We looked at each other again.

"It's really beautiful outside today." I said.

"It is, I like this kind of weather."

"I get to wear shorts-"

"I've been meaning to say this, since we need to tell each other these things," Julian is saying and time again stood still because before I had time to fucking melt or scream or jump on him-- "Your makeup has run completely afoul."

My hands flew up to my face and I'm sure I was bright, neon, stop-light, fire-truck, sex-doll-mouth, First Aid cross, Coke can fucking RED, stained black (and white all over), "Oh! Oh, wow, yeah-"

"I didn't want you to leave without being aware of that."

FUCK.

And is he FUCKING with me??? Ugh, I'm a wreck. Wreck. He's fucking with me. He's like, really good, and I can't keep up with the innuendos, though I don't let it show too much, but, he's a goddamn psychologist, I'm sure it's obvious, but I like this game. I am game. He rifled through his planner.

"So we're on for Thursday at... noon?"

"Four."

"Four..." He stood up.

"Uh-huh." I stood up.

He stepped over to the door, and I stepped over to the door, and we said "Bye," in unison.

I must have sex with him. Like. Right now. Thursday. UGH. Oh god. And a bunch more shit happened today, but... it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all.