Tuesday, February 16, 2010


I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.

Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.

So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...

So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...

So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???

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