sexual musings.

I think... that dancing at the club, is a sort of outlet for sexual energy that lowers my need for a satisfying real romantic sexual relationship... or a boyfriend... and having a boyfriend and being in love in a satisfying real romantic sexual relationship makes me really uninclined to want dance at the club, and release that energy somewhere else.... i've never danced for long when I was in a real relationship... not just cuz the guy didn't want me to. i didnt want to.

actually

actually i'm in a really shit mood. i feel like anyone in my life just feels sorry for me and thinks i'm this mess of a loser. sunny feels sorry for me. she always acts like it. naima thinks i'm a self-obsessed wreck now after last night. celine can't stand me either. all the men just want to sleep with me, not because i'm attractive but because they think i'm a slut and talentless and desperate. julian is my doctor. it's his job to be nice to me, and he probably flirts with me because he wants me to have some self-esteem. cam is done with me. manny's not my friend anymore because his wife hates me. z thinks i'm a fucking knowitall dilettante. carly just got engaged. i'm going nowhere in life.

i feel fat and lazy and like every time my i feel good about myself it's just mania-based delusion. because these are the facts. i'm selfish and i don't keep up with people and even this writing is fucking selfish loser bullshit. i have to go to sunny's because she came to my show out of pity. but i don't want to. i don't want to do anything. i'm broke. and the only reason i'm not evicted is because P came through and gave me some money and i got another check from the movie. otherwise i'd have been in the red. my car's about to fall apart. my phone's falling apart and i can't afford a new anything because i ruin everything because i'm a fucking loser.

i can't keep any friends because i'm too lazy and selfish.

the end.

I haven't said anything...

About Julian.

I've gotten it in my head that he isn't interested in me. Or rather. Is interested, and is interested in flirting, and seeing me. But nothing beyond that. I really have.

These last few weeks, when everything's been so hard, and I've felt so lonely, he's just been like, my best friend, and my source of strength, and sanity, and perspective, and self-esteem... I mean he's been helpful like a therapist should be, and I mean not just with psychological stuff, but like, he's helped me figure out how to do things, take care of things, plan them, the car stuff and the errands and financial issues... He's a sweetie. And I love him.

I gave him a check like, two weeks ago... for the co-pays cuz he said that month was all covered... He hasn't cashed it. I haven't said anything about it and neither has he, but, he hasn't... and I wanted to stop going, and cancel, this month, when I was freaking out about money and he said we can do a payment plan and don't worry about it.

On Friday after the session he went to Table Top to get coffee and I ran into him outside.

He saw me walking toward my car but I didn't see him but by the time I did I was half in it and could only yell Julian!! Hey!! And he kind of stopped but I was like in my car and all I could say was, Look see this is my car.... Pretty bad right? And he laughed but was like walking so I just fully got in the car...

And yesterday he lent me his sunglasses. And Eckhart Tolle CD. Though I asked for that... but with the sunglasses, I'd been crying--- I was REALLY upset yesterday--- and was wiping up my mascara and said, Oh, this is fine, til the bathroom right? And he nodded, but then he got up and said, here, need sunglasses? And laughed... So I have them... Until Friday...

That's what's been going on with Julian.

I don't expect anything to happen. I really love him a lot. That's it.

Re:

Wheeeee. Hi beautiful. I almost made it. Without writing you since Friday... Just 10 hours to go.

But there are ghosts in here. Madeline sees them and I feel them. So I have to talk to you. Till they go away. I like seeing your name up there... In my Recipient line. To: To you. It's like a name from Jane Austen. I've told you before? It's unreal and unbelievable like you. Unreal and unbelievable. Somebody's sooooooooooo damn lucky.

I'm a bit intoxicated. I don't want to say too much here. I want to talk to you in person, with all the magic chemicals floating around between us, your blue and white and my red and blue shots of waterflames, watercolors bursting and blending at the midpoint and glowing indigo all over the room. Not in here, in the dark, with these silly ghosts in all the corners, trying to creep me out and capsize my dreams.

My dreams have been mixed and miscommunicated- I'm talking to you on the phone and the world's flying by, poorly edited jumpcuts, from the keys to the door to the road to the glare on the windshield to the bustling street to the hang-up to the wake-up and I'm getting upset and I'm watching myself say things I don't want to say and you hang-up. But they're just stressdreams. They're old-hat. The other dreams are beautiful, going up elevators made of glass, fast, overlooking skylines of the city. Have I said I like the way you dress. Ha.

I spent Saturday night after work tossing and turning for probably eight hours and I thought I hadn't slept but I woke from the dream and it was two in the afternoon. But I bucked up and got myself to work, and stayed there the three hours until I made up my outstanding balance to you and then I went home. Four sixteen.

Hey you know what's funny. It wasn't really four-sixteen. I mean it wasn't really six-six-six. It couldn't possibly be. I think it was six-sixty maybe. 660? It doesn't matter, but it's funny that you said that. You said six sixteen but you can keep the extra dollar... Like it was 666. ;-) Silly. It wasn't really, was it? Imagine.

What else is funny is that Madeline isn't really doing rooster-calls. That's just her voice. She's like Billie Holiday meets Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, with an Italian accent. I'll show you. I showed her those cats talking and she said, Boorrrrrg! ...I left it alone. What can you say to that, you know?

That's it. The ghosts are gone as far as I can tell. Good morning. See you in a few...

<3

All things holy

There are some really beautiful things

Surfer Rosa, the Pixies album, sounds like life moving
Sunny's an angel
I texted her last night just Can you come over? and she was like Give me a half hour, and she did.
Elena's ama3ing... I hate that she disappears into her world for like 2 months at a time sometimes, but it doesn't matter ultimately
she always calls back and we always talk for four hours and we always understand each other
I have a new hairstylist, the first one I actually like here. She's really good, and she's funny as hell, I finally can look in the mirror, for the first time in a year and a half since I've moved here
Ironically I met her through Stefan
And when she told me the price I was like No. She was like, no, really! I was like you're out of your trees. She was like, no, really, I liked doing it it made me happy. I was like All right, if you say so. I tipped her like 40%. It was stupid cheap. And I know she's not cheap... she's the busiest stylist there and it's not a cheap place
The party tonight was lovely
It was small, 20 people, a dinner party, birthday party, about half the people were really famous, but they were all sweet

Julian called me at like 8 15, a little after I got there, and I ran out of the bar to answer the phone... He... the sound of his voice melted me... I've been either sobbing or on the verge of tears all day. I called him earlier but I didn't leave a message. He said It sounds like you're out somewhere. I said yeah, I am, I'm out at this director's birthday party. I'm halfway through my second vodka. He said Well I don't want to ask you anything in public... I said No I'm halfway down the block already. He said How was your day? I said Fucking fantastic. I said I'm like, breaking down every 20 minutes. And I have to be here for more than 20 minutes. And I haven't eaten anything so I feel the boo3e. And he said, Well, hmmm, at the risk of sounding pedestrian... Channel some of the Machiavellian impulse and make a good impression there, no, that's stupid advice. I laughed, No, and then started crying. Tell me not to drink anymore. I said. Okay, he said. Don't drink anymore. I mean tonight. I laughed again. Okay. I said. Yes, you can drink again, he said, but tonight you should watch out for the Sick Puppies. I laughed and said Okay. Okay. He said, so, let's leave it at this, just contact me if you need to talk over the weekend, and we're on for Monday at seven? Yes. I said. Okay, he said. No drinking! No drinking! I said.

I've never felt like this before. Never. Never. Not through dad leaving, mom dying, brother losing his marbles, losing our house, ex dying, six breakups, all kinds of things going wrong and people disappearing.

Everything is tied to everything and everything makes me think about him and everything makes me SO SAD

SO SAD

I can't believe how SAD i am.

Phone call with Julian

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. ...How are you?....

I'm fine. I'm sleepy.

I just--

What? I can't hear you there's like, distortion...

Oh I just said I wanted to see how you were doing.

I'm fine, Julian.

.....

.....

And I know you didnt do anything wrong. I understand why you didn't want to bring it up and all that. I mean that's all, you can go if you need to, you don't have to stay on...

I want to. Your opinion matters to me. And thank you for saying that but, I did some things wrong. I've been thinking about this a lot, when I should be thinking about my other clients--

And I know you're busy with everything too--

Thank you for saying that, but I meant, I've been thinking about transference and countertransference and all of that and, I don't think the recommended way to deal with it is right, but, I just, I didn't how to deal with it. And I'm not sure how, what the best way to deal with it is....

I'm sorry about all those e-mails.

Scarlet, I promise you. Besides maybe you, not a soul was hurt by those e-mails. And, honestly, they made me feel good and, they're quite brilliant. And I understand the depths of your emotions, the impulse to write the e-mails, though mine weren't quite as poetic as yours-- I wanted to-- and I've been there.

So you've had it? This unrequited love disease?

Yes.

So you know how much it hurts? And that it won't just go away?

My god, yes. It's been 10 years later and it still hasn't gone away. It's gotten better. But I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So great, so, this will still hurt in 10 years and forever?

Well god I HOPE it gets better after 10 years... See, I was kind of shunned. And I thought that maybe the opportunity to talk through it, with you, might be really helpful, might be really better for you, than my experience was.

Yeah. So 10 years ago, so it was right before you married your wife?

Shortly before, yes.
........

I'm sad, J. Do you have to go?

I have some time.

........................

I'm sorry for ruining Lolita...

(laugh) You didn't ruin Lolita for me.

...........................

I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 days.

I have a cancellation Monday, would you like to take that instead of Tuesday?

Yes.

If you want you can call my phone tomorrow, I'll be in court and probably won't get out til 8 but I might get out earlier, but we can talk after then if you want, and on the weekend, just e-mail me so I can see it if I'm remote--

I don't want to trouble you on the weekends--

I appreciate that, but if you need to talk to me I am available.

Ok. Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

And THIS is what I let Julian know:

Short one here!

Just, about tomorrow- I know you were in an awkward spot trying to be sensitive to my feelings and yet needing to say what you have to say and I just want you to know that it's understood. I understand why those feelings are, different, in therapy, and need to be dealt with, and I'm dealing. I'm overit. Heh. I understand why it is a fantasy, not because it's distorted or anything transferred or any of that, but just because it can never happen. So it's a fantasy... all those dreams and all that stuff, fantasy, my narrative about you in my head, that has nothing to do with you, or your life, there are 99 ways in which I know nothing about you. And I understand why you feel that might be beneficial or even essential to therapy, and I respect that and trust it. I don't need to know, I realize it's a fantasy, fantasies are nice, in fantasies people don't hog the bed, or forget to call, or call too much, or need you too much, or put you on a pedestal, or put you down, or pick arguments about nothing that are all about one thing that can never be fixed, or try to sound casual when they ask who just called, or yell at you for talking to someone or for never being there or because it costs too much, or ignore you all night, or hurt you, or hurt themselves, or leave.

But. I don't let them consume me.. or interfere with my life. I don't live in a fantasy. So. I'm present, in reality. K.

Til Tuesday, 12 hours, gonna burn rubber from that school and get there no later than 12 04. 12 07. Yeah, 12 07.

This is what I know.

Seeing J tomorrow. Have to burn rubber over there right after school. I'm gonna be mortified, but probably funny, he's gonna be compassionate, and explain to me more reasons why a therapist/patient relationship has to be different, it's different, it's one-sided, it can't... Yes.

That's what's going to happen.

And what do I want?

I want to keep seeing him. I want to drop it. The whole subject. He said he could see me getting past it. So I think I will. I think I'll love him, in that special way, that you love some people you never screw, and move on with my life, and find other people to screw.

I wanna tell him I get it already. And I really want to drop it. And talk about my show. And my day. And missing school. And past relationships, and how I can change them. I'm with ya, J, I'm two steps ahead of you.

Of course, this is what's going to happen, it couldn't happen any other way, if he had any integrity as a therapist a), and b) because yeah well I'd just never fit into his world even if he were interested in me at all, which I guess he never was. But that's okay. He cares about me, the way he cares for people, as a healer, as his job. It's beautiful. Like my friend Subi said. And she's so beautiful and funny and crazy. I love her... She said he'll cut me off though... And say he couldn't see me anymore. I said no way. She said ok, girl, we'll see. That's NOT gonna happen. He's in perfect control of the situation, and I'm cool and gonna get over it too.

That's what I know.

Love and Learning to Exhale,

Scarlet-O

Hey guess what? UGH

Yeah. Obviously. I'm not even gonna write about it now. But yeah. Obvious. Not gonna quit or stop going though... Yet...

TYSON'S MCNUGGETS

I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.

Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.

So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...

So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...

So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???

The Homeless Professor: Part 1

I'm saying just suck it up, Scarlet, you let your emotions get the best of you... Electric wires gone astray... Not real. Nothing is wrong.

This was my night. I went to see Julian at seven (it was seven). I teased and blew out my hair, letting it fall in sexy soft waves, I wore something subtly sexy, and partly because I decided, if I could make it on time to go this elite open-mic place in the hip neighborhood. I called them ahead of time, and they said I could get a spot if I got a ticket, but they sold out fast. But they had a piano, real one, and microphones and amps and mixer. So I wouldn't have to lug my stuff. I was gonna play it by ear.

Anyway I got to Julian's. We just talked about movies and languages. It really was like a date. He sat closer to me. He showed me cuts on his hand. He was dressed more casually. He dimmed the lights a little when I walked in. He told me he spoke Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese. I asked how long he lived in Europe, and he told me, six months, and I said, that's incredible, and he said it was easy. He acted modest (well no, that's the wrong word-- he was not being modest) and said Oh, I'd studied it in college for a year and a half before. I said, A year and a half? He said Well, another few months there. I said, Wow. I talked about the Gypsy Kings, that's how this started actually, how I know all the lyrics but have no clue what I'm saying... He corrected me a few times. I talked about my music... I wanted to ask him what kind he liked, but I forgot.

When I walked in, the first thing he said was, I remembered this line you wrote at the end of your e-mails, 'It's raining, too.'

I said, "It is."

He wrote me an appointment card, and I saw that on the back of it he's written something, and they were two movie recommendations.

When? When will this happen, J.

Nervous...

For tonight... It's nothing SCAR-LET I know. It'll be a session. A J-Date. Hah! That made me laugh. OK. No biggie.

RE:

Ugh! He's probably handicapped! Now I feel bad... :

"Jeez.
I was smitten. I did like you. Still do, actually. Never meant to insult you or appear aggro. Not my way, I assure you.
Bret (the ass-hat)
PS Regarding my music? Kinda don’t know what you mean on that one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh well, Julian (Julian!!!) would be moving me right along on this one (O! Hearken the day! Erst I once showed mine own true J of Darcy Dan's text and he said, "Just leave it.") and I'm gonna make him proud. The guy isn't actually handicapped.

Oh, fack, update on the neighbor. Like $200 earrings and necklace from Betsey Johnson. WHAT. Not my taste at all (and bearing the receipt. With price. Class-y.) but goddamn.

A Knock on the Door

I'm not feelin' too hot today.

Exchange with Julian this morning, e-mailed me to set up next week's schedule in advance. I'd like to say that he's never done that before. He hasn't. But does that mean anything? Did any of any of this mean anything? I feel like a fool. I responded with a couple paragraphs of slick Joycean prose and glib gratitude for letting me know about my makeup. He's probably married. Fuck it all.

There was a knock on my door this afternoon... I hate that, had some bad experiences with stalkers and things... I wasn't dressed and looked through the peephole and it was a neighbor I've seen like twice who FB'd me. He had a Christmas card and he just slid it through the peephole when I opened it, smiling. He said "It's okay, I know it's a weird neighborhood... I just saw your FB post a while ago and wanted to know if you're doing better..." I was so moved...

Eine Kleine Nachtmusik

I'm an idiot savant, I'm Rainman in heels, I stepped out to the grocery store (Spidey Sense fully operative, always on my side, I didn't lock my apartment) in the darkest hour and came back to find I'd left my keys home. Locked myself out. Left my phone in there too. Well, I thought, whaddya gonna do. Break in. What else?

I climbed over the steel grating (10 ft high) that leads to the courtyard. There was no way to climb up to the third floor, no fire escapes. I circled for windows with their lights on to "M'aidez!" but alas there were none. So I picked the backdoor lock with my eyelash curler and got in.

Now my question is, because I've broken into several of my previous homes as well... Doesn't it take a brain to be capable of B&E? And doesn't it take a hunk of gray matter with no wrinkles, neural plasticity, synapses and all the bells and whistles that make a brain a brain to forget one's keys so many git-durned times?

These stupid things always happen the night before Julian. Julian in just a few hours. Should I tell him this story? Will he see me as more of a sociopath? Or will he be turned on... Oh, God, tell me I turn him on. God, God, God.

OK!

Wish me luck.