Sunday, October 24, 2010

Magazines are for Idiots.

Okay- a) cat hair, cat hair, everywhere. how does the floor amass so much of her fur. every day. should i brush her or something?
b) I cave and buy fashion magazines sometimes. They're fucking like.. I mean.. "Breaking News! Brushers Beware! ....Brushing your hair while wet can cause breakage... ladidadida. No shit. NO SHIT. REALLY??? Goddamn! Let's get Fox News on this bitch!
c) Anyone else have this problem? I RINSE my goddamn hair after putting in the conditioner for 10 minutes. Straight up. Then I turn off the shower. Feel it's still lathery. Rinse it again. Vigorously. The shit won't come out. This isn't just in my head (it's in my hair, actually.)

Go Go Gadget

Yes I'm a bit overworked... A lot overworked... But actually.

I'm really good. Logging in studio hours. Trudging through schoolwork by Julian's playground (and sometimes at the studio too)...

There's no way to talk about art. Talking about art is like dancing about architecture. And that's been my life lately, so, I find it hard to write... Also the fact that all my creative energy is going to these two outlets, I mean all of it, so that's another factor.

But, yes, good. And, as far as the club, well, I gotta go, and Vinnie called me last night when me and Emmy were at dinner, so it's kinda perfect timing. I heard it got revamped and they changed owners again and got rid of the pool table (THANK GOD) so it might be kinda cool. And, I KINDA miss it. Dancing. Not the rest of it. But it's been so long I can deal with it. I'll probably go in Tuesday night cuz I got class til 9 30 tomorrow.

The haunted hayride and carnival were amazing last night. We had so much fun. Perfect full moon and misty night and the middle of that beautiful forest. Reminded us of home.

I've been cooking pretty much all the time and eating a lot but for some reason getting skinny. I think it's cuz I'm cooking so it's real fucking food and my horse metabolism just kills it. I don't like being too skinny especially for the club... but I'm not really... And I feel better.

So yes.

Miss you all dear readers and sorry for not reading. Will soon. Promise.


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What do I say when I have too much to say...

Life's been going. I'm sort of struggling with classes again. And sometimes I beat myself up over it. I'm making music. Beautiful music. Mindblown, with C. And life is complicated. I've been sleeping too much. But so clean and sober. Haven't been to the club in over a month. Living on savings. I'll have to go back soon I guess but I just can't.....

So now. I go to Table Top occasionally. Very occasionally. But will start more.

Third time I went, with all my homework, I saw Julian. I was sitting outside, right by the rail, facing away from his office-land, facing my car parked at the failed meter, just in case a Brownie came along to ticket me so I could jump over the gate and stop them. And then. I felt him, behind me. He saw me, I saw him from my periphery... He sort of stopped. Then kept walking past me and I pretended not to see him so when he got to the entrance he stopped and pretended to look at his phone so I looked up at him and pretended to be surprised and he pretended to be surprised and I said Hey! and he said Oh hi! and he walked in the door.

So I got up with my coffee and went inside as he was in line ordering and added some creamer... So he sort of sauntered over to me and leaned on the counter where all the creamers and stuff are and sort of smiled and I said Hi and he said Hey, how are you? and I said, you know-- and he said, just? and I said yeah- and he said, hanging in? and laughed and we stepped over each others words every single time, and then he picked up his order and I said, you know there IS free parking at Table Top. and he said, Yeah, in back? and i said, oh no, I meant the failed meters, and he went, Ahhh, and then I said, yes soooo how have you been, and he said, Just, working, and I said, so, off to work? and he said --and just getting my caffeine...

And it was all very awkward and then he said, So, okay, see ya?

And I said, Bye, smiling, he was too...

That was on Monday. I've been wanting to go on the hikes he goes to but my classes are always in the way... but then I remembered he doesn't actually go with any groups he just goes there at night. So I drove over there and looked for his car... but now it's Halloween and it's all different because they have hayrides and little rides and mirror funhouses and stuff so he probably won't be there til that's over.

But it's beautiful though, and I'm going on the hayrides tonight with Emmy.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Help, help, help, help, help, no? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, I wanna write, and I wanna read, and I need it and I need it and I just don't have the energy when I have time..... It's still so hard all the time, it's still just so hard, it feels nothing changes even when everything changes and I'm just kind of a buoy that bobs up, down and slightly over then back, taken with the tide, drifting and floating and occasionally getting rushed.

I've been working and slacking and spending a lot of time with C which is great, but still, oh still. It's just so hard all the time, it's still just so hard..

And it's harder and harder to write too when I haven't been. I'm almost feeling the same way, with the blog, as I do with all those wonderful "friends" that slipped away in the last year and a half... like it's my fault for not keeping up enough and therefore of course they won't care about me anymore. It doesn't matter.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

checking in

hey hey
i miss you guys
i love you all
sorry i've been so out of touch, i've been crazy busy. crazy crazy. i'm so happy with the stuff i'm doing. and so confused and kind of toughing it out with other things, personal things, but for the most part i feel great because i have this purpose, and some good vibes and magic, but yeah, you know, loneliness, chemical imbalances, missing lost loves... still issues...

wishing white magic and splashes of light at all of you


Tuesday, October 5, 2010

i feel funny. i went on a date last night. i really like the guy...

i went to the studio tonight...

i ditched class cuz the album is way more important and i just don't know about all this school business now...

something in me doesn't feel so good right now though... maybe its just late.

i miss julian. i really miss him so much. i wish it wasn't so late. i'm gonna go to bed.

good night.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


Okay well Bathwater didn't post another Truth exercise so I'm off the hook.

I talk to P for like 4 hours a day. We're just laughing about how we're shut up in our rooms for months and people think we're flaky and out spending time with other people and neglecting them and get hurt and just don't understand, don't get it, the staying in and writing artist shit. "Friday night, in the crib..." he said. Yup.

I'm really just blown away by C and I sent P (too lazy to come up with names right now hahaha) just this electronic arrangement and me just laying down the piano and vocals for reference recording we just did, and he's freaking out over it, and I sent it to one other person and he FREAKED over it, and I'm freaking over it, and C's freaking over it, and finally in my life I'm just like, Okay, okay, okay this is good... this is really good... I don't know what's gonna come of it, but it's kind of really exciting...

And the show with P is gonna be fucking GOOD... and that's kind of REALLY exciting... and I'm realizing... I have NOT been doing nothing. Holed up in here? Yes. Losing touch with some friends? Unfortunately yes. Fantasizing about J and having no personal life besides? Yup. But I just... just realize... this is some... real shit... for lack of a better expression. And I did not waste a year. NOTHING was a waste. I'm talking about with P, he's a writer (and director and producer and business genius and yeah, workaholic, artist) and he tells me he does the same thing, and I NO LONGER feel bad about it, or like a waste, it's who I am, I'm an artist, I create, and this is the process, for me.

And it might at the expense of a lot of other things. But. What are ya gonna do?

And we talked about also, real friendship. And it's people that get you. That get THAT. Aren't offended by it. Listen. Cut to the chase. And don't judge. Don't judge. Never, ever judge.

Friday, October 1, 2010


ohmygod C [producer] is a god
ohmygod C is a god
ohmygod C is a god