TwinSpeaks

So, the text conversation I had with C just now whilst at Table Top, where I went to study for today's final (not without hope of a Julian sighting, whose Christmas card I'll address in the next post...) as follows (C is in italics):

1 36: Feeling better???

1 48: Yes, quite a bit better than yesterday... Still slightly weakened but nothing like the alien takeover... You?

1 53: Zantar pennum kerxi nooptik. Vrzypo jheex meupplo!

1 54: Oh nicht! Still that bad??

1 55: Nope. Xlnt actually. They're just still in me brain. Coming down the hill very soon.

1 56: In your brain as in there to fester, or on your mind, as in you'll be sending them a dozen roses sometime soon? Haha. Ew omg Gargamel is sitting in my coffee shop!!!

1 57: Btw there's a luktar stuck in my right ear. Though his buddies peace'd already, he's sticking around.

1 57: No!!! Gargamel is at the table top????

1 58: But now we understand, it's a bit of a ghey hangout, no?

2 13: Dway, but what a red letter day!! The mystery of old Gargle solved at last. But it also means he terrorizes my spot. There's the rub.

2 14: Urgh, I had sent that text 20 minutes ago and was just apprised it didn't go through due to a "packet error." Sounds like something in my R homework.

2 19: Well we've got ourselves a new phrase for our arsenal. It works in many relevant situations.

2 20: Yes. Saturday evening a packet error caused a temporary lapse in sanity.

2 23: Ha! And I dropped a packet error directly below the clickclack.

2 24: HHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

2 28: Speaking of luktars, I still have three of 'em taking a gentle/prenatal yoga class on my forehead, and a couple wet monkeys swinging on my tonsils.

2 31: Lo siento mucho!!! Thought it was just a 24 hr bug.



So that's how me and C converse. Like we were raised in the wilderness together.

Translations available upon request.



And yes, L&G. I'm baaaa-aaaack.


Love and languages,

Scarlet O

Soldiering ever and on

I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..

I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.

And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.

I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.

Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.

Meh.

Letter to Julian 6.23.10

there is a REALLY long list of things i would do, for 97 minutes of time alone with you to watch Word Wars, this really batshit bonkers documentary about tournament Scrabble players.

i would even NotTouch you, if that were part of the bargain, though I really think you oughtta be leaving work at work, not letting it gatecrash people's dreamscapes. besides they need sleep too you know, these rules, yes, they're tough, but we've seen what exhaustion can do to even the best soldiers... they might give out entirely ... they might start playing for the other side. and i actually really love your rules. i love your rules. i love following them, and you should feel smug. you should if there is any sort of to sense to how people feel about themselves you SHOULD feel smug and GOD BLESS YOU and you're sexy when you're smug but these rules, now, now the thought of having to follow them in the following situation, is giving me the beginnings of an anxiety attack, actually, it's actually not pleasant in any way, but beggars can't. so. for 97 minutes just me and just you and a parquet floor, Word Wars and one quilt and one pillow (we would have to share it, touching or not) and 1 gallon stillvasser, 2 carafes german riesling, picnic:

sandwiches-- portuguese rolls with cream cheese and raspberry jam or
toasted pumpernickel w big dill-y chicken cutlets or sesame bagel with smoked salmon and butter and capers or baguette with prosciutto and olive oil and mozz or cheddar cheese toasted with heirloom tomatoes on english muffins, ww., with salt.

pickles, crispy, crunchy, not like trafficlight green or roar-ange in hue... and carrots- no tray of like broccoli/tomato/ashy-baby-carrot/limp-celery-mourning around a reservoir of ejaculate bluecheese/ranch "dip" bullshit, right?

one ton of blueberries

toblerone or pecan pie

Table Top coffee, for aesthetic symmetry, symbolism.

louise. i am hungry.

we can't do all of that in an hour and a half glued to a screen. wait. i need a week of this... 9 days, seven hours maybe?? um, you just keep watching the credits i'm gonna go over there now and :::under breath::: keep sucking on the spout of whatever genie lamp i got me here in the first place........ NO WISHING FOR MORE WISHES, ALADDIN, al-Hamdil Allah! I'm not, I'm not, I'm just amending... I'm... 9 months, 7 Tuesdays??? 97 million minutes? Kill the No Touching Rule?? PLEASE, DJIN!!!

But in all seriousness Julian. Really reallly. Promise me, unless somehow you already have, that you will not watch that movie without me. Please. I know, that means to you, you'll probably never watch it, well, it's not that big of a loss, okay, is my promise to you, it's just a silly stupid movie... and, you can watch pieces of it, like, read about it, whatever else, just please promise me you won't watch the movie start to finish alone or with anybody else, please... I really mean that. And I'm not going to ask you. Because you'll say no, just on principle, and THAT WOULD MAKE ME SO SAD. I CAN'T EVEN STAND IT. I can'tcan'tcan'tICANT. I don't want to be that sad, what would you tell me, beautiful bww about thoughts like that. You would probably say I should be embracing (or well you wouldn't say embracing, necessarily) the present moment and I'm saying, I am. I am. You always bring it back around to that, so I always think about it, and I do it, and I'm seeing all the beautiful moments. My cat is lying on my feet, There's this good song. I played for a bunch of people tonight and I didn't get any kind of nerves or terror. I still felt irritable afterwards, but... and yes, I did, I needed to hear you saying this again, about everything, okayness of things and organic chemistry and defaults and baseline emotions and the need for the correction and I just can't, in honoring the present moment, take my head out of the golden sand of your island for fearing of being washed away by tide into that cold dark luminous but dark ocean that I love but don't want to swim in alone forever, there is no forever, there is no tomorrow, I don't like it when you talk about nevers and impossibilities, how can you tell me things are impossible and to train my focus on Impossible one minute and only Right Now the next?

I haven't said anything...

About Julian.

I've gotten it in my head that he isn't interested in me. Or rather. Is interested, and is interested in flirting, and seeing me. But nothing beyond that. I really have.

These last few weeks, when everything's been so hard, and I've felt so lonely, he's just been like, my best friend, and my source of strength, and sanity, and perspective, and self-esteem... I mean he's been helpful like a therapist should be, and I mean not just with psychological stuff, but like, he's helped me figure out how to do things, take care of things, plan them, the car stuff and the errands and financial issues... He's a sweetie. And I love him.

I gave him a check like, two weeks ago... for the co-pays cuz he said that month was all covered... He hasn't cashed it. I haven't said anything about it and neither has he, but, he hasn't... and I wanted to stop going, and cancel, this month, when I was freaking out about money and he said we can do a payment plan and don't worry about it.

On Friday after the session he went to Table Top to get coffee and I ran into him outside.

He saw me walking toward my car but I didn't see him but by the time I did I was half in it and could only yell Julian!! Hey!! And he kind of stopped but I was like in my car and all I could say was, Look see this is my car.... Pretty bad right? And he laughed but was like walking so I just fully got in the car...

And yesterday he lent me his sunglasses. And Eckhart Tolle CD. Though I asked for that... but with the sunglasses, I'd been crying--- I was REALLY upset yesterday--- and was wiping up my mascara and said, Oh, this is fine, til the bathroom right? And he nodded, but then he got up and said, here, need sunglasses? And laughed... So I have them... Until Friday...

That's what's been going on with Julian.

I don't expect anything to happen. I really love him a lot. That's it.

Friday at 6 45.

At 6:30 I flipped on his waiting room switch.

He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.

"Thanks," he said.

"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"

"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"

"Sure."

"The coffee is really bad."

"It's Table Top." I laughed.

He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.

"I have another one for you-"

"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"

"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"

"No, I want to,"

"Okay, good."

"You own it?"

"I ordered it."

.......................................

"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"

"Uh-huh,"

"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"

"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."

"Oh, Madison?"

He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."

I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"

"I've gone back twice in twenty years."

"Wow. What made you..."

"I went to my high school reunion--"

"Did you really?"

"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."

I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"

"There was a diaspora..."

I laughed, "Yeah."

"My parents are from New York City..."

"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.

"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"

"Never." I said. "There's nothing."

We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."

"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.

"Oh- the other one-"

"Would you like to-"

He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"

"Have a good weekend Julian."

"Okay."

"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.

Friday at 5.

"I don't want to force the issue, though I'm open to it, and on one hand I feel like our conservations are just intensifying our feelings... but, you shy away from it whenever it comes up and I understand that, because, besides, well you were angry at me, but usually, we have... an amazing connection... right?"

"Yes." I smiled.

"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."

"Me too."

"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."

"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."

"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."

"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."

"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"

"Well there were two things..."

"No, just the hair-tie?"

"Okay, just the hair-tie."

.............................................

............................................

"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"

"Yeah--"

"I can trade you-"

"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"

"Oh, you don't- okay.."

"Ah, cream no sugar?"

"Yes."

"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."

"Scarlet-"

"What?"

"Um, I don't know."

"No?"

"Nope."

"'Kay."

"Okay."

"See you in-"

"Bye."