Letters to Julian in Succession.

Thanks.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 5:45 PM (20 hours ago)

Dear Julian:

Here's a list of what I'm thinking now. These are some things for which I wanted to give thanks. To you. For.

1. Thanks. Thanks for helping me reali3e that I hate this fucking hellhole and need to leave it now.

2. Thanks. Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself repeatedly, yes, I know it's therapy and I'm supposed to act like a lunatic, but I do, in fact have some dignity, and shame, and throwing myself albeit electronically at an expecting father is not a move in my lifegame strategy.

3. And thanks again, thanks for turning all the decent coffeeshops in this little town into red-tape 3ones. In fact. I think the whole neighborhood is brimming with ha3mat.

4. Thank-you for making sad movies that much sadder, in fact, unwatchable.

5. Thanks for borrowing from my one of my top-5 favorite authors to spike the punch in the face.

6. Thanksmuch for all the jokes and again the recommendations and the hair and all those little things that make me love you even more every day instead of acting like a dull boring tasteless idiot, when, "What would help?" THAT would've helped. Thanks. Your wife and kids and everything. Yes. They help in making me reali3e what an ass I am and that impossible does not come in shades. But it doesn't help make me feel less for you. So yeah. It helps. It'll help me move on. Possibly move period. But it's no less painful.

7. Thanks for letting me spend oh about eight months of my rapidly dimishing youth living in a fantasy and embarrassing myself.

8. Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.

9. Thanks for turning me into a Nabokovian monstrosity.

10. Thanks for completely destroying my faith in humanity.

Ok. Thanks. I hate everything. And want to die. But I don't hate you. No. I love you. And I HATE THAT. And I do think, that you've been just a little irresponsible. Or oblivious. Or something. I'm sure you have been stressed out and wiped out and busy with your work and your kids, and your 3rd term pregnant undoubtedly incredible wife. And you're happy. And you should be. And I'm not being ironic or sarcastic here. (But only here.) But I do. I think you've handled this badly. I'm paraly3ed. And sick.
Thanks
Love
S
Take your fucking check


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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:02 PM (19 hours ago)

THE WIND IS SCREAMING AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. Thanks.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:10 PM (19 hours ago)

Good morning! Said the nightmare. Time to get up now! You're been on some hallucinogenic drugs. We have to inform you. You don't remember. But there was a terrible accident. Yes. They're... gone. Yes. They're gone too. Do you know where you are?

Nightmare?

Yes. Do you know the date and time?

Um... November 12th, 2008..

It's April 29th, 2010.

What?

Do you know who you are, Ma'am?
..........
..........
No.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:17 PM (19 hours ago)

Congratulations on your baby.
I think I'm done. With therapy. Yup.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:18 PM (19 hours ago)

Aren't you relieved.
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:30 PM (19 hours ago)

I'm about to take 4 ativan (no thats not a lethal dosage, it'll make me loopy so I'm not fucking threatening you or pulling any borderline shit on you cu3 i'm actually not a Borderline, thanks. though i hope i'm making you feel bad, cu3 you made me feel REAL bad, so why shouldnt i? cu3 its not fault, no, its not, though again, i think you handled it BADLY. but you probably wont feel bad because you know you did everything right and im just being the... whatever.) so I might sleep through tomorrow, unlikely though. if i dont. yeah. i would like to talk to you Julian. please. thanks. maybe i wont tomorrow. obviously. things are never so lasting or definitive in my world as they are in yours. but no. how can i not want to talk to you. of course i want to talk to you. I MISS YOU. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I am pathetic and I am disgusted with myself. For being this pathetic. If, rather, when (believe it or not I've been on the other side of this too. Many times. Well I guess it's only fair that I should get it too. Karma's a bitch like that.) someone has been this pathetic over me, still wanted to be around, still wanted to talk, still wasted their time and money and breath on me, knowing I was N.I. Not. Interested. I found that pretty pathetic. Now I don't feel so strongly on the matter. Well I guess theres a life lesson I can thank ya for. THANK-YOU J
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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:32 PM (19 hours ago)

FUCKING ANSWER ME PLEASE. NO? CAN'T DO IT OVER E-MAIL? just send me a blank email, or better yet, just send me an invoice. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. Send me that. Thank-You.
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Julian Darcy
to me
show details 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)

Scarlet,
Can I call you just before 9 tonight?

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.

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Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian

Please.
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show details 6:55 PM (19 hours ago)

Julian Darcy
to me

Confirmed.

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.

Well, now's your turn to say "I told you so."

J: You look pensive.

S: Don't I always look pensive?

J: Sometimes. Is that a denial?

S: (laughs) No.

J: What are you pensive about?

S: (long pause) I am pensive about my feelings.

J: (laughs after long pause) Go on...

S: (laughs) Yes. My feelings about you. That's what I'm pensive about.

J: (long pause) What's the thought process about the feelings? Well, not the feelings, I think I know the feelings, you write about them... What's the meta-thought process?

S: I'm conflicted, on the one hand, they feel really good sometimes... And then usually followed by pain and frustration. The conflict between the bliss of loving someone and the hell of wanting something you can't--

J: Something impossible.

S: Right. Impossible.

J: When we first started talking about this--

S: I know. I know what you said. But somehow I deluded myself again. People have convinced themselves of cra3ier shit.

J: When we first started talking about this. I felt kind of panicked. Well, panicked, maybe isn't the right word but... I was anxious to resolve the...

S: Awkwardness?

J: You're not deluded. I've thought about this a lot too... and I... wanted to say that I have very strong feelings for you too. I think I should be open about that with you. It's not like I'm blind to how beautiful you are. I think our brains are a lot alike. I think you're like me, with talent. I mean I was never able to play music, or write creatively... I tried in my psychology papers but it was always very logical, philosophical arguments... I don't have the ability to make these sentences... that are like... creative. Like that one. (laughs) So, you're not deluded, and you're not imagining this connection. And under different circumstances I... And it's really important to me, to be a part of your life, it means a lot to me that I'm important in your life. But it just can't be reciprocated.

S: Uh huh.

J: Do you want to move on?

S: Yes.

J: I think I can tell you something about myself, that will help you move on. Demystify my life a little. Can I?

S: By all means.

J: I know you know that I have kids. You've never asked about them.

S: I haven't felt comfortable.

J: I have two daughters. And I'm expecting a third.

THE MOTHERFUCKER.

I said Congratulations. I asked how old his daughters were. I started crying uncontrollably, making jokes here and there. He was watching me. He said he really hates hurting me this much. I said I hate everything and want to die. And laughed. So did he. I kept making jokes about "go-time." He laughed, "Ha, go-time." I said I have a photoshoot after this for some sunglasses and I can't go. And I don't want to get into my car. Or drive. Or go home. And I said I'm angry. With you. Tell me. He said. I think you should have addressed this sooner. When you know, as you said, palpably felt the intensity of my feelings. That's fair. And you're probably right, I just, felt like I hammered you last time. I wanted to wait until- Well apparently i needed to be hammered some more.

I threw my checkbook at him. Here. I said. What do I owe you. I think we should figure this out on Tuesday... I think we should do it NOW. I... I'll need to figure out what it would be... It's go-time now huh. Yes. Got it. I stormed passed him open the door myself and and didnt close it behind me and walked the fuck out of there.