time to f'n split

my magical ex's kitty had ktrz.

that's one of 'em. looks like a real piglet. i wish i could see in person.

you know i'm thinking of moving back there.

you know i'm thinking it ain't working out here.

you know i'm thinking this has been one headtrip, timewarp, isolationtank, experiment... i've learned things and it's a dead end and there's naught but mirrored walls on every side, and i don't like my reflection in any of them. i can't make it out here.

thought myself the exception to the rule, accepting the fact that i ain't.

i can't afford this lifestyle. NO LOVE. NO LOVE. NO HELP. NO DIRECTION.

doggypaddling to keep afloat in a stagnant pool. not swimming to. not swimming from. tired already. cold. shivering. still, sick as a dog. and arguing with a sign that says "i'm a fucking idiot" all the livelong day. OUTTA HERE.

time to f'in split me-thinks. time to f'in split.

Sun's down.

And I've chilled out a little. I ran my 7 miles. And I did yoga, at home. I'm not sure what compelled me to do these things but- oh yes- because I HAVE to tire my limbs out or I'm tossing and turning painfully at night. I barely slept 2 hours last night.

I don't know what's wrong with me. These chemical ups and downs. Everything seems hopeless and sad and impossible. I know it isn't. I know it's just a feeling make it seem that way. But what isn't just a feeling is the loneliness. I am so utterly alone.

Vinnie called me just now probably wants me to work and I won't because I don't need to and I'll lose my mind if I don't sleep and catch up on school. But yeah. Nobody calls anymore. Not just to hear your voice. I'm crying so bad. It's so bad out here. I don't know what to do anymore.

I dunno what it is now.

I went home early. I couldn't make a dime. I liked being onstage. Onstage I was great tonight... Better than ever. All the girls were watching, with their men from whom they were milking money like lifelong dairy farmers, they stopped and watched, each time, and they rarely do. But the rest of the time... I just COULDN't do it. I couldn't walk up to these guys. And when I did they just leered and grabbed and a lot were rude and it was one rejection after another despite everything. And then I'd walk away, and I feel so sad and rejected and horrible and look over 5 minutes later at them, being lead to the back by another girl. Any girl, every girl. I know why, I know I came off depressed, and passive, and it just doesn't work.

And I need the money. And I just can't get myself... I just couldn't walk up to these guys.

Should I be worried?

This is a picture Manny took of me in my Halloween costume as Marilyn.. I think it's small enough and I'm in costume enough to be safe. I could be wrong.

It's 2.

I said I'd go to bed by 12. I think if I just went to bed, I'd be asleep by now. Now I'm "playing Blues Brothers" like J said, "Well, if you can't turn off the light or the computer at least maybe you can play Blues Brothers..." meaning wear sunglasses at night, at home, when I want to start getting ready for bed. It was cute, really cute. I realize... I feel like the loneliest girl in the world. An old girlfriend from home called me, after a year, she lives here actually and we went for a drive while she took bad pretentious pictures for her music video for her weak boring music and she was completely self-absorbed and just talked about herself the whole time so I asked her to drop me off after half an hour, because I had a date, which I wanted to cancel, so I asked him to come earlier, and then he said he couldn't, so I was so happy. And then I spent hours playing and recording and then no one was online except my friend James from Scotland and I wanted to send him my music but it wouldn't go through and he kept asking me to send pictures of myself. There's a hilarious comic on Comedy Central. I wish I could put my songs on here somehow. I wish I could talk to Julian or Elena.

My friend Lucy from here doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. We stopped talking at some point, around the holidays, and then kept saying we needed to hang out, and we never did, talked online occasionally though, and then I asked her to read something in the blog, and she probably read it all, and she stopped talking to me, and IM'd her once and she said she had to go and "Let me know if you need anything." And hasn't spoken to me since. I have a feeling... It was condescending. She's 20. And I feel like sees me as a mess now and beneath her. Julian would challenge me on that. That maybe it's in my head and I assume everyone's judging me and if I reached out to her she'd be there. And he'd do it with just a look, get me to say all that. And now his voice is in my head at all times and I question it myself. Maybe it is just me. But it sure seems that way. I'm going to try again. Good night.

Another Stripper Question for a Shrink...

I did good tonight. I always do better when I'm sad... I come in, don't talk to anyone, do my make-up, dance different, more sex, more angst, more pathos... I drink more and I talk to the guys because... I'm there. And I don't wanna be anywhere else. There's nowhere else. Not at some better job, not with better friends, not with a man who loves me. So I dance. Dance the pain away.

My Playlist on Stage:

Buddy Guy- 5 Damn Years
Jay-Z- Empire State of Mind
NIN- Closer
Bob Seger- On the Road Again
Jonny Lang- Lie to Me