Beautiful calm driving.

P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.

I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.

What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.

So that's where I'm at.

But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.

I'm gonna do it.

I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.

And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.

Meh.

I should've gone to work tonight. I got all my tax returns back, so when I get a receipt at the ATM today I was like WHAT-- I did a couple gigs that paid really well and were also like 50% taxed, so I got back a LOT-- and got home from this Art Walk thing with Em and was just tired from walking around all day, and tired and tired, so I didn't. But maybe I should've. I'm in a rather shitty mood. And I have homework to do (and heeeeere's the weekend! A-gain! AAAAAND it's over.) so I only had like a few minutes after getting home and I was just dawdling a little even though I told a regular of mine to go in but ultimately I'm to F'in tired... I'm gonna try to make myself go to bed in an hour. Ok. Not gonna say what I was gonna say. Ha.

Night.

Ode to Dr House

Saturday evening just watching Hugh Laurie
I wont go to work and I know I'll be sorry
Cuz watching the good doctor popping pills
Is not gonna feed me or pay the bills

I haven't been in there in twenty-two daze
A lot going on now and I need to glaze
Let my toes uncurl and my jaw go slack
As the credits roll open to Massive Attack....

Rebel, Rebel

I'm such a rebel. I think sometimes when things get too hectic I rebel by spending an entire day in bed, on and off sleeping, eating, and watching TV. That's what I did today. I know I'm always late on these things, but I love "House." Hugh Laurie, hel-lo, woot.

Well.

I almost think I shouldn't blog right now. I'll keep it short. I don't know what to say. I didn't leave the house today. I finally got some sleep last night, woke up late, at like noon, and recorded and played and chatted with people online and talked to Elena for hours and she told me being alone right now is the best thing I can do, and everything I'm going through with J, that I'm going to experience a massive growth. (Sounds like a tumor.) I didn't go to work. I did yoga but I didn't run. I comforted Elena and then she comforted me. I've been crying. I know she's right cuz she's always right. But the isolation. But the isolation.