The Art of Whore

The title of this post is not supposed to be self-effacing OR ACCURATE, I just thought of it and find it funny.

Anyway.

I was telling J how I did the math and realized I'll be okay money-wise, that it's been dead at the club, but I always manage to squeeze out of there with a buck-fifty minimum, like it always comes SOMEHOW by the end of the night even after tipout, and that the other girls are all really over me by now, because they'll walk out of there with like fifteen, thirty, sixty, on these nights... and I totally understand it because sometimes I'll be sitting there for the first two or three hours and there's like nary a soul around, and I'm like, wow, I'm gonna make ten dollars tonight... But it doesn't happen, and he was like what is it that makes you better at it? So, I'm gonna break it down here. My secrets. The art of the club.

It took me a while to get this... I think like with everything, it's just kinda practice, and I've never really thought about it, but it's kinda like this:

First. If you walk in and one of your regulars is there, you go sit with them obviously, but if they're talking to another girl, you just come with a warm, familiar friendly hello, smile and nod at the lady, and say okay well I'll talk to you in a bit...

If there aren't any regulars, you don't go up to anyone until you go onstage. You go onstage, scope out the crowd, see how people react while you're up there, then take a moment after you get off and go around and gently talk to all of them, slowly approaching, just smiling, see if they're open to talking, ask if they enjoyed the show, everything slowly, clocking the reactions... If they're cheap and at all reluctant to tip, or try to be smartasses, or talk a big game, forget about them completely. Don't even look at 'em again. Usually I'll find one guy who really wants to talk, buys you a drink... Sit down with this guy... See if he's smart, sweet, lonely, hip, nerdy, whatever. Behave accordingly. Match his pace, intelligence, and his sense of humor.

Do not ask if he wants a dance. Stick with him. Wait til your turn onstage again, and he'll tip you a lot when you're up there, which usually makes others do the same, and more interested, cuz they see you're devoting your attention to one guy and not all desperate. Also, obviously, see how much he's tipping, because if he likes you, he'll tip what he can afford, and sometimes that's peanuts, and call for a *graceful exit.

Now, by the time a guy has talked to you for a bit, and feels like he knows you, it's usually totally okay to say, Ok! You stickin' around? I'm just gonna go make the rounds for a bit and see if I can get any dances... Make it kinda funny, and they'll usually be like, Oh of course, do what ya gotta do, or, Hey, aren't you gonna ask me? That way you cover all the bases, and always have someone to go back to and sit with... While you're making the rounds, another girl might come up to them, and ask them for a dance, and they'll be totally overit, and whenever you come back to them they'll want to talk to you.

A lot of the girls will just come up to the guys at the beginning of the night and ask for a dance or talk to them for a second and then walk away and whine in the dressing room how he's cheap and not tipping. Stupid. Most guys who come in early and aren't regulars are lonely and want to like, feel like they're special and have a special connection with a girl, and don't wanna feel like they're being hustled, even though that's exactly what's going on.

Now, later in the night, gets more packed and people are more drunk, I still don't go up and just ask for a dance right off the bat. Again, see who's watching you onstage, and only initiate the dance thing, with the guy you've been chatting to, or the new people who've been watching you, if there's a "Two for One," which is all the frickin' time, like every four songs. Make it sound like a deal, obviously. Explain it earnestly and slowly like a bimbo.

And, of course it helps to be really pretty, and a good dancer. Always seem like you're in a good mood. DON'T COMPLAIN, already. And everything slooooow, slow, slow. These girls just ambush the duders or come at them like vultures. Some of them come on really strong and basically scare the guys into getting dances, and it works for them, but it's not necessary. And besides you don't wanna make your money with dances. I only do that on a shitty night. It means a cut of your earnings, and the really big spenders don't usually get them...

*As far as walking away from a duder, always be cheerful and nice about it and say you'll be around and come back in a bit. Even if you're never ever going near the cheap bastard again.

That's about it. It's pretty obvious and intuitive but kind of hard to perfect. Also... It kinda helps to not be friends with the other girls. They waste their time hanging together and complaining when it's slow and get caught up drinking together and being assholes. Get really LOOSE, I mean, it's never a good idea to turn down a drink... And you wanna be relaxed and fun. And seem a little drunk. But never get drunk. You just lose your focus and sometimes your money.

Yep. That's it.

Well I earned it.

I was so tired of running around. Is that what you're supposed to do, is that what normal people do, go from one thing to another, finish a work shift or a long run and head right over to drown in a group of people, and drink and drink and drink?

I feel much better now, much better after spending last night in, watching weird movies and leaving the lights off. I feel much better after getting up at 3 pm today and spending 5 hours cleaning my house, and writing a letter, and playing the piano. Then this photographer came over to test shoot me for some catalog thing, and it was fine, and I got paid, and he was very nice and earnest and liked my music and offered more, offered more, as Julian said "and you'll sit there nodding your head to the psychic noise and the floating promises..."

I don't think I'd ever heard him quite as poetic as he was on Friday. We nearly got into an argument. He said my intelligence was overshadowed by my beauty. He said "you're cringing... but... I think you know it's true..." He said, "I think you know better than this, I mean come on, you're going into a situation, it's a cliche, you're smart enough to-- you can limit yourself to one drink and watch everyone else get drunk and if these men are trying to USE you, you can USE them too, if they're offering these--"

And I cut him off and I said, "I know you find mean women more attractive Julian. But it's just not in my nature. I can't be like that."

"No, I don't think you should be like that, I was just saying, all of these men are attracted to you, they might be--"

"But I don't even want them, like that."

"But you're GETTING with them. Like THAT."

I glared at him. "It's not like it's been, 10 million people here..."

"Okay, I'm not, okay, I'm going to be critical here. Can I speculate?"

"Go."

"I think that just saying, well, I didn't plan for it to happen, I think it's a cop-out, I think you've gotten past that, with the drinking, and with Stefan, I think you see all these things before they happen and for some reason you're ignoring that knowledge and... I don't know why... Does that sound right?"

"Yes. You are right. I don't know why either. Maybe I just don't care."

And he nodded when I said I don't care.

"Can I say one more thing, and then I'll let you have the last word, because we're way over time?"

I nodded.

"I just think you're selling yourself short."

"It's hard not to drink at these awful parties."

"Oh, I'm sure, I know, it's hideous, all that psychic noise, and the floating promises... Sick puppies."

I laughed. "They're demons, everywhere, they see your light, and they just want to take it and put it in a little box and make some money off of it, and I don't want to lose my light..."

"I don't think you're... in danger of becoming dark, like that."

"I can't play this game." I said. He was looking at the floor. "What?" I said, "What else?"

"Nothing, I'm just sympathi3ing, I guess. I'm sorry you're in so much pain over this."

"So, these ama3ing clients you have, that swim through it all painlessly and succeed, what is it that they have, Julian?"

"They don't, I don't know, you know Scarlet, a lot of people have a lot LESS than you. I don't know how to swim through it, I don't have those answers--"

"I wasn't asking you for The Answer."

"I know you weren't. Well. Okay. I guess it's something to think about for Tuesday." He got up. "Here, if you can fill that out.." He handed me the clipboard again, of the inventory thing for the insurance companies. I'd forgotten to fill out the back. "Sorry..." he said. "I'll see you Tuesday, ok?"

"Yes, okay." I went into his lobby and filled out the thing as slowly as I could. And I have to say, I love him, as much as I ever have.

Hello, my name is S------ and I am an alcoholic.

Now actually trembling with the DTs I consider curbing my alcohol intake..