30 Days of Truth-- Day #4

Maybe this is my being lazy but I think it's actually the opposite.

Plus it seems to be a perfect sort of introspective exercise right now.

So I'm jumping on the bandwagon with Bathwater (who discovered the bandwagon through hope dies) and doing this 30 Days of Truth thing.

Today's Day 4, something you have to forgive someone for.

I scrawled something on your page BW but I'm gonna think about it some more and answer it more fully....

hey Bathwater, pssst!

Sorry I'm probably just retarded, but I can't figure out how to follow your blog or post comments? Retarded? Or like set that way?

nm i figured out commenting. latin. but still can't find the Follow option.

All work and no Play, boy.

I think.

That you guys are right.

I had two hours of sleep last night, I just couldn't sleep, and I was so tired, but I ended up writing a lot of music... I'm kinda stoked about it... ks I'm gonna link you too... LOL.

And I had made plans to go real early in the morning to a dance class and then yoga right after with Celine... I gotta keep myself busy now and I wanna stay in touch with my friends, especially decent classy people... and I finally gave the damn super so much hell, I mean not hell, just like, listen up asshole, no more fucking around or trying to get over on me. And I came home and ALL my shit was fixed. All the clogged sinks and the missing screen and everything.

I hadn't worked out in ages and I ran all the way to the class and then swam cuz I was early and deposited my check in the bank and then did the classes and man-- I love dancing so much-- I love it onstage but I mean this class was like hardcore salsa and I forgot how much FUN dancing is and how much I used to love it before I got so burnt out with the ballet...

And Celine's real cool...

And I'm thinking-- I can't even tell like 99% of these people about my JOB. If I started doing Playboy shit, I mean... There's no hiding that and Kris you're right, it would change the way I see myself, and it would change everything, and for what, $500 bucks? And then a future being a bl0wup doll?

And Bathwater yes. I'm making myself start eating. Pizza sounds amazing but out here on the west coast, well, it's like the same as it was in pennsyltucky... but I lived in NYC when I was in the company and I KNOW pizza. so maybe mexican?

love and lotsa carbs,

S-O

playboy

i could not sleep last night
sigh
it's okay
i was writing a lot... music and stuff.

so the playboy meeting was kinda awesome. the agent was actually way cooler than i expected, we talked about the midwest, and the industry changing, and career plans.

they loved me basically.

but now i don't know. when you start out you're not a Month or a centerfold... just a bunny chick. and it pays SHOCKINGLY little. like any regular magazine shoot... and he told me I'd have to cover up my tats, unless I wanted to do the web thing, and I don't, and to gain 5 pounds-- which would normally be a piece of CAKE-- but right now seems impossible...

And it's so public. It's playboy. and it's not like being a centerfold when you're some famous person. and now everything's on the web forever.

so I don't know, I told him that and he understood... and they have me on file, and to give him a call whenever I decide.

I'm going to just get up now I guess, bone-weary as I am, jog to the gym, meet Celine and take a couple classes that will probably kill my malnourished ass. Then come home, pass out for a bit, and go to work.

That's the plan, Stan.

re: re: re: last post

thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)

and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.

but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.

so should you.

there is a meteor shower.

Perseid.

tonight.

love, to you all
miss scarlet

So the Sun will Rise and the Moon will Set

And you learn how to settle for what you get.
It'll all go on if we're here or not so who cares so what.

One thing I have to say- I lost a mean 10 lbs (not waterweight, straightup) off my already lithe frame, within the last 3 weeks.

Dr J has agreed that it'll already be a month since treatment ended on Friday. Since I hadn't seen him at all ("or even written me...") for about a month before.

Soooo what if you're all right, and he's a cad, or he said I was right that he loved me, just to make me it easier for me to leave.

So what.

I have a meeting with Playboy tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know about this stuff.