Tuesday, August 10, 2010

re: re: re: last post

thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)

and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.

but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.

so should you.

there is a meteor shower.



love, to you all
miss scarlet


  1. Heh. How funny, I have gone out to this deserted campground every year for the Perseids for the last several years - but I always have to go with someone because I fall asleep (the meteor shower peaks at like, 2 am) and I can't drive when I'm sleepy. This is the first year I'm missing it since my boy is on the East Coast until Saturday and it actually peaks tonight/Friday early AM. So I was missing it a bit this year and then you went and mentioned it - great minds think alike, eh?

    I'm glad that you have confidence and faith in your relationship with J. and I don't ever want to take that from you. As someone who had a bad childhood riddled with sexual abuse, I got very close in high school and college to getting into relationships with much older men who were in positions of power. They made me feel safe and special and like they could fix me - and thank God, thank GOD (as one was a professor of mine in college and was engaged at the time) that I didn't actually ever act on those yearnings.

    Am I saying that you and I are alike and that J. is the same as these men that I was almost involved in? No, certainly not. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that when I see patterns in others that I created in myself, I don't want to protect the people I care about - which most certainly includes you.

    I hope that you and J. work out, because it seems like that would make you happy, and of course you deserve that. As Bath said with his comment on your latest post, stop worrying so much about what we (the commenters) think. Do you thing, apologize to no one, and as David Mamet would say, "invent nothing, and deny nothing."

    We're all on your team.

  2. Ah, sweet, Mamet :-)

    I TOTALLY hear ya. And I have a tendency to date older than me sometimes, not always though, its been a totally mixed back, but usually at least when i was in my teens it was guys in their 20s, in my 20s it was guys in their 30s at least (except one really long term one who i'll love forever and is just a great great guy-- especially NOW that he's a few years older!!! maturity thing), and now that i'm (almost) 25, I think around 40 is normal. i mean i AM mature for my age, if only because ive lived independently and all over the world and worked with adults since i was a teenager, dancing, modeling, the band, all that stuff...

    then the position of power thing can be sexy- but not because its power, but mostly because theyre like, teaching me stuff. which is sexy.

    and then. its just partly really just aesthetic. i hate the way the under 35 duders dress these days!! i just like the look of a guy 40ish... its like in old movies those were always the leading men and i was brought up on that shit.

    But i totally, totally understand you, and i did never doubt you, i was just getting bombarded by real friends who genuinely care, here, and in 3D land, because i know, the situation was a longshot from the get go and seemed to be begging for disaster, and then also from NON friends-- you should see some of the comments i deleted! jesus!

    and just being told im wrong all the time and having people burst my bubble (or rather me taking it that way) was making me feel bad about myself...

    invent nothing, and deny nothing, is genius.

    another goodie is dont complain, dont explain. thats gotten me through every job or class tardiness or no-show ive ever had. hahaha.

    too bad id say we should go together but that would kinda defeat the purpose of this anonymity thing ;-)

    hope you check this one!!!

    i'm glad to have you on my team. :-)

  3. Sweeeeet, Mamet.

    Hey I totally understand and find that that IS the common motivation on both parts for those affairs to happen... I wont say I dont have some daddy issues and all... but it's not quite like that, I've always dated older- 20s guys in my teens, 30s guys (or older but not often.. well i havent had THAT many relationships...) in my 20s, and now that i'm (almost) 25, i think 40 is the perfect age.

    and yes theres something sexy about the taboo, and about the power, but more than that its the pedagogue, a man who's teaching me something.. is a hella sexy.

    and thirdly, its aesthetic. i love the way julian fucking dresses. he looks like don draper (no ties though). in old movies the leading men were always in their 40s and i grew up on that shit.

    most of the under 35 duder crowd are like, infants to me, these days... they dress so silly (remember where i live... you can guess... hipsters much? like the heart of LA hipster...) or grungy (my apartments also half chicanos and these gorgeous guys wearing their pants sagging... ugh..) of course i say most not all... and spoiled and entitled and usually not terribly well mannered...

    anyway. too bad about your boy, id say we should go tonight but that would kinda defeat the whole anonymity thing ;-)

    I'm glad you're on my team P, all you guys :-)


    Hope you read this btw!!!!