I actually have a lot going on right now. I have a lot to do, and I have a lot to say, and at the moment right now when I want to say it all, I have to do a lot, and I don't have a lot of time, which is business as usual...
I'm kind of at a place where I'm open again. I'm talking to strangers. I feel sort of young. I have creative projects going on. I'm taking a lot of dance classes. I'm working a lot, both at the club, and at other stuff. I'm sad a lot. I haven't been here and I haven't been reading and I have a lot to catch up on. It's been really hard not to talk to Julian. It's been impossible to write, without having anything to say about Julian except... memories and things that I feel... I'm taking this story and making it into something. Something really exciting. And he's still there. We've had these little exchanges.
But I've also been a mess. And I also waste away days wasted and working and wake up with a mess at my feet. Spend a few catching up and cleaning up and then wasted away all over again. I think I'm getting better. I think I'm getting there.
I'll be there soon.
But the spout was somehow stretched and now it can't get narrower again, and it needs so much more, so much more, so much more breath, and so I'm always breathless.
Why is autumn always entropy.
I'm also facing the unique problem of WANTING to go to work but also having a million things I have to do, including recording tomorrow, big time recording, which means probably better off NOT trashing my voice tonight... sigh... but I need money, and I'm in the MOOD to work, and it's already getting late, I dunno. I dunno.