Monday, August 30, 2010

minor detail

minor detail i omitted about kissing julian,

3 and a half weeks ago. august 6th.

about kneeling before him and taking his hand. and looking up at him.

and him looking at me. and leaning into me. and stopping. and me leaning toward him. and kissing him. and him kissing me. and me kissing him til i got dizzy and ran my hand slowly up his arm and thats when he stopped me and thats when we held hands again and thats when we stared down at our hands until i said

i can hear what youre thinking when i touch you like this

and thats when he told me he had to tell me something

and thats when he said hed made mistakes and This is... it's everything you thought. It's everything you thought and. And you're right. About everything.

the rest is how i described it. and i don't know why i left that out. my loyalty to him. my loyalty that's beginning to crumble away.

and now i cant speak to him. not a word. after a year of constant comment. and a mindblown kiss. and a long overdue admission.

now can we understand why my heart is broke.

why one day at a time is the only way to take it.

why it's hard for me to accept or indeed- to believe- that it was all just nothing- that it's something to forget- that's it not worth waiting for.

why i can't just...

"let it go"?


  1. This is way no matter what happens people are worried about you and how you are holding up.

  2. I'm glad to see that your loyalty to him is crumbling. I get that your heart feels broken, and confused, and maybe you want to just sleep for a thousand years.

    One day at a time is the only way to take it, indeed.

    And the more you put yourself first - instead of J. - the better it will go.

    PS don't worry about letting it go. I used to beat myself up all the time about why I couldn't let things go. Then I realized that I was creating a double-layered problem of wondering why I couldn't let go of the fact that I couldn't let it go.

    As soon as I sat in it and thought, well, here I am, I'm not ready to let it go...

    ...I started to be able to let go.

  3. I knew it! I saw that scene exactly through your words, but didn't want to press you for details. I knew that happened. I just knew.

    Don't worry about letting go. It will happen when you stop trying for it. You're doing just fine, girl. You owe him nothing. You owe you a heart healing hug and a pint of ice cream.


  4. Ha! did you really.. hah... thats funny... and YOU were the one who said Let it go on that post!!! Grrrr...

    Okay. so. here i am. and i'm not ready to let it go--- sigh