Bad call

No, nah, take it back. I < 3 Julian. And the club is all right. $200 for 3 hours of dancing and sitting around and talking to actually okay people tonight.

Elena, however. Again haven't spoken to in a month. Calls me here when I got home, which is 5 am her time, clearly drunk, starts rambling for half an hour about her phone getting stolen and the ex boyfriend, soon as I start talking she spaces off and puts me on hold, comes back on and I'm like you must be tired, do you wanna go? And she's like, well no, I wanna talk, I mean soon yeah, cuz it's late, but no, I was like why don't we just talk another time. And she's like, Why, really? Tell me, no! I'm like There's nothing to tell, you're tired, we'll talk another time. She's like Okay but call me! I'm like your phone got stolen, you call me. She's like okay I will! Bye! And I just hung up.

I mean, it's really disgusting to me at this point.

How self-absorbed and childish and thoughtless and frivolous she's become. I'm fucking over it.

Lalalala strip club

don't wanna go to work
tears in my eyes
cant feel em comin
so i gotta make this song cry

i will not be negative
i will "visualize" like all the wackjobs in this crackerjack town
visualize greenbacks
visualize d'argent

visualize happy
happy happy joy joy
career success

please dont cry
honey please dont cry
you know i hate it when you:

If I had just SOMETHING to make me unsad
just ONE thing
anything at all

if i could figure out the formula from here to okay

that's all the magic i ever need

Fell Along

I am not wasting another navelgrazing word on him.

Seriously.

It's embarrassing, I'm embarrassed, by all of it.

My good god.

I just got home from work tonight; it was all right, I brought my neighbor Lena... I don't know if I've even mentioned Lena because I've only been seeing her the last few days and wasn't blogging...

She's a beautiful, angelfaced, mystical doll. She's right across the hall. She's brought her dog over here, and Madeline was like, Lena just looked at her with that angelic smile and Maddy chilled out, and they got along. My crazy cat and a dog. A dog who will just sit right next to L for indefinite periods of time and not budge.

She's a dog whisperer. And a painter. 21. Never danced before. But I knew I could tell her, and I had no qualms about bringing her, and we went in and Vinnie was like, you're in good hands, this is the best girl here! And showed her how my polaroid had a big #1 on it. Haha. He was like all the girls ask Why is SHE number one, she's never here!! And he's like Because she just is!

So that's me at the club. It was really nice going with Lena. And hanging out with her. She didn't make much but the guys are all over her, I told her she's just gotta learn to swing the dance thing and be a liiiiittle pushy and not waste time with those who aren't shelling.

We're both exhausted though. I told her, it is draining.

I have a show tomorrow at KGB. And some filming the next day. I DON'T have a whole bunch of empty fillable time.

I don't have a whole bunch of money.

I need to stop seeing him.

I was so upset this afternoon. I don't even know why. He wrote me a letter. He told me how to get this carousel at the park where he goes hiking. It's all in my head. And it's breaking the bank.

And it's breaking me.

I'm broke.

Independence Day Set List

I was onstage ALL goddamn night, so this is a longie:

1. Sex Type Thing- Stone Temple Pilots
2. Darling Nikki- Prince
3. Dirt- Iggie Pop
4. Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z
5. Fell on Black Days- Soundgarden
6. Turn the Page- Bob Seger
7. Bone Machine- Pixies
8. Possom Kingdon- Toadies
7. Never There- Cake
8. 15 Step- Radiohead
9. Creep- Radiohead
10. Lie to Me- Jonny Lang

And-- cuz there were so few of us there and hard to work a guy when you gotta be on stage every 15 minutes, we were usually up for two in a row onstage, so a lot of those were back to back.... Turn the Page followed by Bone Machine.... WORK, man... I'm all achy and bruised... and I was dancing private dances in between ALL my turns onstage... the poor sap whose money I inhaled all evening... I had Vinnie let me sneak out the back so he wouldn't see me leave cuz he thought he was taking me home... I said, "Poor sod. He's not even drunk." Vinnie said. "It'll hit him when the lights come up." I said, "Don't these people know it's a scam?" He said, "The idiots in here. Unbelievable."

Hahaha.

actually part 2

i love you guys. thanks so much for your comments... you're right it was a low point and i need to start dealing with those better because the self-flagellating is pointless. but i'm, thanks to beautiful spirits, and thanks to J, getting better at coping with my lows.

i made myself go to sunny's. i'm so glad i did. it was great, and i got em to come too, and it was a mexican bar with BuildYourOwnBloodyMary's and 7 years of bartending experience (yes I started when I was 17) I've perfected my Bloody. to a science. so everyone kept asking me to make them a Bloody and then the bartenders loved me cuz i was bringing in the loot for them... and one was really hot and i gave him my number. Sunny's friends are sweet, and Sunny is an angel, a total lightweight who always gets drunk at her birthday and is a really really SWEET drunk. i, having not eaten all day, got drunk off my one Bloody, too.

and then I went straight to work, and Vinnie wasn't pissed at all, just a sweetheart to me as always. tonight was a workout and a half. i probably spent 3 hours out of 4 actually dancing, cuz there were only 4 girls there and i gave a bunch of table dances too. i was sweating my ass off on the walk home. i made like $400 too. and it was a dead night. thank GOD.

i ran into my two gay neighbors on the way home and they were loaded up and we chatted for like 20 minutes and one's a mechanic and gonna look at my car for free.

i feel better. but my phone is just straight NOT working anymore. it's bad. i need to figure that out. and i was gonna pay my rent right now but i cannot find my damn checkbook. so i'm gonna look for it tomorrow. it's 3 here.

Fourth of July

So, today is the fourth of July, and I was invited up to Mal-au-booboo, but I am not going... Cuz I really gotta go to work.

Vinnie called me again Friday night as I was on my way to my show and actually sounded kinda pissed, even though I'd left him a buncha messages last week saying I had this show, etc... and I really, really need to make some dough. I was gonna go last night but I woke up yesterday feeling a little sick, so I texted him and he said it was fine... But I gotta go tonight. If we're open that is, which I assume we are...

Also it's my friend Sunny's birthday. Sunny, as I said, is an angel, who came to my show Friday and also gave me a ticket to this play yesterday that was really awesome. So she's having a get together Im gonna go to for a couple hours before work... Sigh, work. I'm so overit right now.

Friday's show actually went awesome, N and C and Emmy and an old friend from an acting class I took, Christine, was there with her boyfriend, and Sunny and a guy I was gonna work on some music with and his boyfriend, and a friend E who came to my last show that I met at the club... there was an audience there too, but other than that, none of my "friends" who CONFIRMED they'd be there for the second time.

So I was just in a hideous mood. Just hideous.

When I saw how late it was running, and how many FRIENDZ didn't show up, I was just like, to the sound guy, just cancel it, you might as well shut down, and he was like, well Leo's coming to see you (the club guy/booker), and he never leaves his house.

But I went up, and they let me play a way longer set, and people were actually singing along to some of my covers, and I got a bunch of cards after... and Leo talked to me after, and said he wanted to talk to me about my music. I just assumed, he was hitting me, cuz that's the way of this goddamn world. But then I talked to him, and he wrote me this really eloquent straight-up e-mail in response saying Yeah I thought you were attractive, I'm not gonna lie, but when I heard you I was seriously impressed. I've started the careers of a lot of well known artists. You should ask around about me. I wouldn't do that because it would hurt my reputation musically, and my integrity, more importantly. But I respect you for throwing it out there... Sure I'd like to hang out and get to know you but music comes first.

And I did ask around about him. And it's good.

He wants to play a show together at a couple really popular here, like his band and mine (or me rather, band lackthereof), and he can get anyone to come... So... we'll see... He also told me I need a band, strings and drums (and he described the kind of drumming -"textures"- my word!) and I am totally stoked.

But we'll see.

Right now I'm in a shit mood cuz my throat still hurts and I have so much to do.

ShakeUp, BreakUp, WakeUp, MakeUp

So tonight was the night of legend of making jack-shit.

There was no one in there except my regular who writes on the show and whose wife texted me pretending to be him, and who maybe reads this blog, and who doesn't tip except a bunch of singles when you're onstage, which is more than anyone else was doing tonight.

It was literally dead.

I was thinking about going, and when Vinnie called me, I decided to go, so that at least, with my comings and goings, at least I could be reliable in that way, as on-call... But after a few hours I decided I had to get out of there and he told me to go ahead and not to worry about the house fee. He let me go out the back too so the reg wouldn't see me leaving cuz he seemed to think I wanted to leave with him and his friend and hang out. They're writers. " ". And the thing is they're not witty or smart at all.

I talked with Summer a lot, the only girl who speaks to me, the only girl with whom I'd like to speak, the only other girl who comes and goes like me... She's awesome, she's smart, she used to be a really big agency model and date a really famous genius tv writer, and she's usually always joking and chipper and sometimes rues about where life's taken her. We think alike.

Me and Cam made up. I called to apologize and say I was in meltdown mode, and he said he was only being dickish because he wants to travel too, but we shouldn't go until our work takes us there...

He's half-right. I mean if the trip had been better planned, I totally could've done it. Whether he'd have considered that enough "paying my dues" or not. I've been all over the world, sometimes work took me there, other times, men. Sometimes, just my own saving up because it was what was important.

Anyway. Now that I'm not going it's all cool.

I'm glad though.

This thing with Elena, I mean, I still love her, but, she has so much pride I don't know how she'll be, and even more prideful if she feels guilty, and she feels guilty all the time. I never feel guilty. It's a useless emotion. But anyway. Not good to be fighting with two friends at once... Means you're definitely doing something wrong.

So it's still only midnight and I'm home, and I made a couple bucks for cigarettes and food, which I don't know if I should get cuz I ate like a straight PIG yesterday and the day before. But anyway. That's thirty bucks I wouldn'tve had if I stayed home.

Armotrash

Working at night like this... Just makes me feel utterly worthless during the days. I don't wanna do anything. But eat and sleep.

Turns out, again, the trip is way more f'ing expensive than I thought it was. Again, Elena told me some more inaccurate stuff, like, that she had frequent flier miles I can use, whatever, I'm not gonna bitch... But I had a panic attack yesterday...

I went out with some Armotrash mobsterpunks after work to get food. They are so uncouth. And what is it about these Eastern bloc gangsters, where it's always ONE cute, smart one who's like really witty and sexy and cultured in a swiss cheesical kinda way with lots of holes in his knowledge base, surrounded by a bunch of blankeyed neckless cavemen?? I mean I know it's like a power/selfesteem issue, THEY want to be the smart one who can smoothtalk when they have to and guffaw the rest of the time, but with Italian mobsterpunks it's usually a group of predominantly smart and funny, with one token meathead, not the other way around.

Varan fell in love when I came down and sat at their table eating a lollipop and he says to me, with the two no-english-speakin' lugs watching, Oh, just keep eating your lollipop. No, in a sexual way. No, this is not sexual...

And I chomped down on it, shattering little pieces of lollipop everywhere, and started giggling.

And it took him a minute to realize I was being a smartass myself.

A little piece of blue tootsie pop landed near his crotch, and he motioned that I should lick it, and said "Can you clean this up now please?" And I raised my foot up between his legs, just hovering the tip of my eight inch heel right over his private parts, and, said, real dumb-like, "Oh SURE! Let me just wipe it right off I'm sorry!!" And then made like a stabbing motion downward stopping just short....

He wiped the seat himself and was totally enchanted...

He was making me laugh, too, with his stupid crude Armotrash jokes about everyone in the club... These mobsterpunks just really love making fun of everyone, it's a total universal, he's just like Stefan but from slightly further south. And this is the third gang of Eastern Euro disorganized criminals I've won over in that damn club. And they're assholes to everyone.

Star came over and asked one of the meatheads if he wanted a dance and he said "Sorry you are too heavy for me." And she looked over at me, and I was sitting with Varan, and I could just shake my head and not really say anything else, which kind of was a shitty feeling. But that's how it is...

We went to get food after the shift, and I literally walked out on them. They didn't even do anything, I'd just had it, after they missed a turn for the 9th time, and didn't listen, and couldn't find anything open, and kept rolling down the window to shout out or spit at people. And were probably talking some trash about me in that bizarre language.

We pulled up in front of a Subway--- yeah, the FAST FOOD chain--- and got out and they were communing about something and I was standing there saying to Varan, for like the tenth time, Look, I really have to go, I'm tired, and he kept saying, Baby! Come on! Relax! You were hungry! and he gave me his Coke to drink and I kept trying to give it back to him, and just wouldn't take it, so I put it down on the curb, and said, Hey. I'm going. And turned around and said Dasvodanya and literally walked home.

They pulled up to me after like five minutes and stopped and V opened the door and said, Scarlet come on get in! And I said, WHERE. Are we going. And he said home, home, and I heard him tell the two goons in the front my cross streets so I got in and they drove me home. But I would've walked. It wasn't that far.

Interior Decorating

I am one tired lady. I tried to go to bed earlyish last night but it was tough... I don't even know when I got to sleep but I kept waking up... Then I woke up at 8 and went for a run. I totally cleaned and also rearranged my furniture and the doma looks so much better and feels so much more comfortable. Jesus. That feng shui musta been pretty off.

But now I'm so tired. I wanna take a nap. I'm meeting Sunny at 7 for dinner. I can't afford dinner though. I'll probably get coffee. Or a soup. And then, of course, work.

I hung out with Cam last night. We did his scene thing again. He's real attractive. And sweet. We're gonna go to the beach tomorrow, and the Gogol Bordello show. And he hasn't like, kissed me or anything yet. (I mean we've slept with each other and kinda dated like a year and a half ago but I mean now...) And he always almost does and walks me home and then says good bye. And I really like it. And obviously we flirt a lot and he's always trying to impress me and over the three times we hung out gotten more touchy and stuff. And you know. I know he likes me.

But this makes me think. Maybe none of these people like me. Maybe they're just flirting with me to be flirty.

I mean... Cam really liked me before... the last time... and men have fallen all over me, been crushed, made fools of themselves, poured their hearts out for the first time ever, and proposed, with diamond rings, introduced me to family, etc, etc, always. Hot shot lawyers, millionaires, rockstars, nice boys from Idaho, married, single, young, old, mobsters, Christians, all nationalities. And all the guys I meet in the club. And at the shows.

But... maybe, some of it is just all in my head... I mean... I need a mirror... all the time... I see myself in photos and I feel like that person is beautiful but it's not me... Or onscreen... and I always feel like I just don't look like that anymore... I only feel pretty when I'm seeing myself onscreen or in a mirror at the club or when people are watching me and telling me I'm pretty. I'm like... It's not even that important, because I just don't care anymore. But it's important because... it really makes me wonder if I'm just delusional all the time. If the club and the pictures made me think, or the particular men, and I'm not anything attractive or anything anyone would wanna be with. I damn sure don't feel pretty right now. I don't have any nice clothes AT ALL. NOTHING.



But. now that I've moved the bed, the breeze and the sunlight coming through the window are caressing my body and there's nothing more beautiful than that...

The Art of Whore

The title of this post is not supposed to be self-effacing OR ACCURATE, I just thought of it and find it funny.

Anyway.

I was telling J how I did the math and realized I'll be okay money-wise, that it's been dead at the club, but I always manage to squeeze out of there with a buck-fifty minimum, like it always comes SOMEHOW by the end of the night even after tipout, and that the other girls are all really over me by now, because they'll walk out of there with like fifteen, thirty, sixty, on these nights... and I totally understand it because sometimes I'll be sitting there for the first two or three hours and there's like nary a soul around, and I'm like, wow, I'm gonna make ten dollars tonight... But it doesn't happen, and he was like what is it that makes you better at it? So, I'm gonna break it down here. My secrets. The art of the club.

It took me a while to get this... I think like with everything, it's just kinda practice, and I've never really thought about it, but it's kinda like this:

First. If you walk in and one of your regulars is there, you go sit with them obviously, but if they're talking to another girl, you just come with a warm, familiar friendly hello, smile and nod at the lady, and say okay well I'll talk to you in a bit...

If there aren't any regulars, you don't go up to anyone until you go onstage. You go onstage, scope out the crowd, see how people react while you're up there, then take a moment after you get off and go around and gently talk to all of them, slowly approaching, just smiling, see if they're open to talking, ask if they enjoyed the show, everything slowly, clocking the reactions... If they're cheap and at all reluctant to tip, or try to be smartasses, or talk a big game, forget about them completely. Don't even look at 'em again. Usually I'll find one guy who really wants to talk, buys you a drink... Sit down with this guy... See if he's smart, sweet, lonely, hip, nerdy, whatever. Behave accordingly. Match his pace, intelligence, and his sense of humor.

Do not ask if he wants a dance. Stick with him. Wait til your turn onstage again, and he'll tip you a lot when you're up there, which usually makes others do the same, and more interested, cuz they see you're devoting your attention to one guy and not all desperate. Also, obviously, see how much he's tipping, because if he likes you, he'll tip what he can afford, and sometimes that's peanuts, and call for a *graceful exit.

Now, by the time a guy has talked to you for a bit, and feels like he knows you, it's usually totally okay to say, Ok! You stickin' around? I'm just gonna go make the rounds for a bit and see if I can get any dances... Make it kinda funny, and they'll usually be like, Oh of course, do what ya gotta do, or, Hey, aren't you gonna ask me? That way you cover all the bases, and always have someone to go back to and sit with... While you're making the rounds, another girl might come up to them, and ask them for a dance, and they'll be totally overit, and whenever you come back to them they'll want to talk to you.

A lot of the girls will just come up to the guys at the beginning of the night and ask for a dance or talk to them for a second and then walk away and whine in the dressing room how he's cheap and not tipping. Stupid. Most guys who come in early and aren't regulars are lonely and want to like, feel like they're special and have a special connection with a girl, and don't wanna feel like they're being hustled, even though that's exactly what's going on.

Now, later in the night, gets more packed and people are more drunk, I still don't go up and just ask for a dance right off the bat. Again, see who's watching you onstage, and only initiate the dance thing, with the guy you've been chatting to, or the new people who've been watching you, if there's a "Two for One," which is all the frickin' time, like every four songs. Make it sound like a deal, obviously. Explain it earnestly and slowly like a bimbo.

And, of course it helps to be really pretty, and a good dancer. Always seem like you're in a good mood. DON'T COMPLAIN, already. And everything slooooow, slow, slow. These girls just ambush the duders or come at them like vultures. Some of them come on really strong and basically scare the guys into getting dances, and it works for them, but it's not necessary. And besides you don't wanna make your money with dances. I only do that on a shitty night. It means a cut of your earnings, and the really big spenders don't usually get them...

*As far as walking away from a duder, always be cheerful and nice about it and say you'll be around and come back in a bit. Even if you're never ever going near the cheap bastard again.

That's about it. It's pretty obvious and intuitive but kind of hard to perfect. Also... It kinda helps to not be friends with the other girls. They waste their time hanging together and complaining when it's slow and get caught up drinking together and being assholes. Get really LOOSE, I mean, it's never a good idea to turn down a drink... And you wanna be relaxed and fun. And seem a little drunk. But never get drunk. You just lose your focus and sometimes your money.

Yep. That's it.

And furthermore,

The girls at the club- allllll collectively decided to dislike me. I don't give a goddamn, because as soon as I walk in, I plop myself down next to some duder who's gonna shell out all night, who doesn't like lapdances and thinks he's the first person to suggest, Can I just give you the $$ to sit here and talk to you? I don't wanna go in there... and I'm like, yeah, I totally know, it's kinda weird, I'd totally rather talk to you here too, that would be cool... And THEN I don't have to give the percentage of it to the house. So at the end of the night there's the little list with our names and X's next to them for how many dances we did, which determines how much of our hardearned greenbacks we give up, I've got like, one, or three, or no X's... but anyhow... yeah, I just don't talk to them, at all, I come in dressed already under my hoodie and plop the F down.

So this inglorious ho' whose dancer name is so marvelously retarded and gross I will certainly leave it to y'all's imaginations, well the duder she was sitting with pointed at me, as I walked by, like Can you get that girl over here? And S--F-----, who was eating, a fucking hot dog, in the club, no F.N. joke, made an obscene gesture, and I was loaded up, so I walked over there and leaned on the table and smiled at her. And she goes
What
And I go, Hey!
And she goes, Can I help you
And I go, Sure!
And she goes, What?
And I go, I just saw, you makin a little gesture over here, is there a problem?
I wasn't making a GESTURE! Someone OVER THERE... made... like a gesture at ME, so I made a gesture back, I'm just sitting here eating a hot dog!
Okay! Have fun!

So then later while I was talking to a duder she came up to me again, with her spiked insane hair, which she just bleached, which is doing nary a damn thing for her, and like insane makeup, and little latex top and pudgy little boy body-- (I have to give it to her, she puts on quite a show, she can like climb up the ceiling like spiderman, and wears a blindfold and shit, but its not sexy, just.. nuts...) and says, Why did you come over to my table while I was talking?
Same reason you're here at my table now.
What, why, I wasn't even doing anything, I was just sitting there eating a hot dog-
Got it
I pretend like you're not here, you don't even exist to me-
Awesome
I was just sitting there eating a hot dog
O-KAY NOW

This little lady has been dancing here for YEARS and thinks herself quite the queen bee, and is always bitching and complaining. I'm over it. But she and the sexy girl are friends now, that's what they all do at the club, they become little best buddies like, what's that damn game called, where you circle 'round the chairs? Oh, Musical Chairs. yes. like musical chairs. and then talk smack about each other. it's some kind of stunted development high school bizarre objectifying stripper thing. I abstain.

F.

Heartraced again, bank account viewage... Like, I HAVE to work tonight, I mean, I won't be able to tomorrow or the day after, but I have for the last 3 nights except for that stupid wedding night, and all I've been doing is working and panicking, and I feel like I should do something nice for myself, but, I mean, it's like I slacked off forever but now I'm just machinegunned and I'll burn out even worse so. Ohgod. My heart is RACED to Allah right now. If I just go to work I won't be heartraced, just super burnt out, if I drive out to the beach, well, I dunno if I'll even be able to relax, oh man oh manny oh manny.

Beautiful calm driving.

P called me while I was at work, I finally just got myself to GO.

I've been a mess this month, is what it is. I've been a complete and utter mess, and it's been an inopportune time to be sloppy, but... All's rather fair in love and war.

What happened is I let my finances go, I haven't even looked at my bank statements in a month... I've hardly gone to work... I racked up over $500 in parking tickets- well, no, a lot more than that- over the last several months and just procrastinated paying them because I thought they were fixer tickets, but I procrastinated fixing too, getting my registration taken care of, and all that, and I really never think about money but now and then I end up in this place. Like. Oh god. Oh, my god. How will I pay my bills.

So that's where I'm at.

But no more. No more drinking. No more Vicodin. No more procrastinating sloppy-assedness. School is over but I have these two exams, and I'm gonna study, and I'm gonna do my remaining work, and I'm gonna go to work as many nights as I can, and go to open mics with Cam, and play again, and do this movie, and pay my bills, and get a desk. And Jo's gonna come with me so I do it, and we're gonna go to this damn wedding. And I'm gonna do my movie.

I'm gonna do it.

I went to work tonight, finally, and it was cool, no big money but it was fine, I met a cool artist there... and then P called me so I went over to see him and mess around a little and asked if he could help me out with rent again and he's going to.

And when I was driving there, listening to the mix that I made for Julian, in my stripper clothes under a sweatshirt, onto highways unknown, and the moon was so bright, and there were so many clouds, and it was finally warm... I felt it again... I felt free.

Into It.

Again, I love my job.

Sometimes it feels like the only thing I can do well.

I went to this crazy taxidermy demonstration with Emily- she's always on some weird shit like that- and I was debating on going to work, because, well, the money wouldn't hurt, and getting out of the house wouldn't hurt, and sitting at home writing Julian e-mails on Saturday night probably would hurt somebody. But it was like ten to eight and I was still at the taxidermy thing up the straight getting a little antsy and a little nauseous, and Vinnie called me and said, "Casper!"- his new epithet for me, since I disappear all the time, hah- so I said, "Boo." So he laughed and then told me he would love it if I came in tonight if I needed to etc, so how could I say no. And I came in and didn't even go into the dressing room or talk to any girls and sat down and then went onstage and the cash just FLOWED its way onto me all night. I made up my large, large, large outstanding balance to J and then went home.

Man. If I made that much every night and worked like, three times a WEEK... I'd be flowing in it. Like... FLOWING in excess cash. Hahaha. But I feel like it doesn't work that way. Like the more you go in the less you make. For some reason. Just a matter of being over-it I guess.

But I was not over-it last night.

I was into it.

I love dancing. I love spinning. And twirling. And splits. And climbing up and hanging upside down and mouthing all the lyrics to all my songs and scooping up the dollars and throwing them over my head during the chorus.

And I love the mindblown dudes saying "I am here for joo, joo aarre so byoooteefull, what do joo need?"

And saying:

"Hmmm, a hundred? One of those twenties. Two, actually. And another beverage. Thanks much."

Scarlet-O's Fuck-Everything, Rainy-Day Set List:

1. Bone Machine- Pixies

2. Empire State of Mind- Jay-Z

3. On the Road Again- Bob Seger

4. Rock Me Baby- B.B. King

5. Creep- Radiohead

2:15 to Yuma

2 hours and this day, this 3 days, this little chapter, will be over too. I'm at work, 99 kinds of overit as usual, making decent money but feeling fat as a house, sluggish, depressed, depressed... I haven't been at a computer in ages. These last 80 hours, these last 80 hours since Julian to be honest, have been the slowest hell. I spent all weekend waiting to just get home, and then, hour at the airport, 2.5 hrs on the plane, hour at the other airport, hour on the other plane, half hour on the bus, half hour on the train, stuffing my face and lugging my shit te whole way through, reading a vampire romance novel for teenagers, finally got home prepared to crash out in solitude since I'd told everyone I was gonna be back a day later, and Vinnie called me in to work and I just went, to do a favor, and here I am, and I can barely keep my eyes open and my shoes are broken and my stockings keep falling down, and I'm bloated.
...And furthermore, I'm depressed. Though being here, is kind of helping... It would if I weren't so damn sluggish, but I am. Lethargic in the way only a depressive can be... But man. I really am glad to be home. I really am.

Nico

I went hiking with Em today. For 3 hours and it was so beautiful and I made us climb up the rocks and completely leave the trail and Em found a bunch of waterfalls... I was dreading work, my heart weighs a million pounds and it just seemed so awful... But I made myself go and as usual, it wasn't so bad. I actually made a decent something and this girl Nico is just so beautiful I die. She dances like, a hot dream, she's like a wet dream actually, and we were flirting a lot tonight. I don't really like girls like in that way, there's just nowhere for it to go... Sexually, physically, practically or in a longterm sense, and I don't even really know what she's like, but man I could watch her for days..

maybe I should figure out some other employment.

it's so bad in here, so dead, no money, girls beinf mean, and depressing as all get-out

Why Stripping Saved My Life.

I didn't go to work for like three weeks, high on myself, high on school, high on my love buzz, high on my music successes, feeling introverted, and intelligent, and above it all...

And finally I ran out of cash. And my boss, Tony called me, last week, and asked when I'd be in... so it was time to go in... and still I put it off... I just couldn't do it... And then on Thursday, when I really bottomed out in my depression about Julian, I made myself run 5 miles, and even that didn't do a dent, and I didn't wanna play, and I'd missed class in the morning (since which I've spoken to my prof and it's totally fine), and then I was like:

Okay S, get your ass to work. Like I always said I dance better when I'm sad.

And I went. And Tony was so nice. And the girls were all so nice, and we joked around, and I'd missed it, and a bunch of my regulars were there, and they were happy to see me, and I did well, and this kinda celebrity actor from a sitcom was there, and ended up hanging out with me all night, he wasn't gonna get a dance until he saw me dance to Empire State of Mind, he's from New York... He said Not to be cheesy, but you're hotter than all the other girls here, by like a lot... I said Please, keep it coming, I need it... And I told him about moving here and I told him about school... We went to get food after, and he gave me his number and called me the next day... He's really young, only 22, and been on this TV show since he was 18, and he so nice...

AND, AND, OMG-- what I thought would be my worst nightmare happened-- and it was fine. Funny even. I got off stage about to go talk to the TV guy cuz he was tipping a lot and said to come see him for a dance... And someone said- "Scarlet..." And I turned around and here he was, this face I recognized, a face I recognized in the club-- not FROM the club-- saying my name. "Judd. Remember?" He was from my hometown. My 5000-person, rural, hometown.

"Yeah! Wow! Hi!" (standing in silver hot pants, fish nets, my pavement glitter 6-inch heels and a black vinyl bikini top...)

"How are you?" he smirked a little.

"I am super! You?" I said with a big phony smile.

"I dunno... broke and couch-surfing..." He said. Which should have clued me into the fact that he wasn't trying to be a jerk, maybe, but... he might have been... he could've been... my thought instantly filled with thoughts of the rumor mills, plentiful as the windmills, pumping judgment from the North... my privacy had been invaded... and how dare he... this was my turf. So I treated it as such.

"Well okay, okay, first of all, if you're broke... what are you doing here." Carmen and Asia giggled behind me. I laughed. "I have to go talk to someone over there real quick, you'll be around, yeah? Okay, great." And I walked off.

When the night was over I told all the girls in the dressing room, which was nice, cuz they all were all funny and supportive...

And when I got out, dressed, he was waiting, outside the door... "So hey..." "Hey!" "You taking off?" "Well my friends were leaving but..." Oh god I thought, it's late, and I do not want to hang out, and if he's COUCH-SURFING-- "Are those your friends?" "Yeah," "Oh, go, go, go, go with them, we'll catch up, find me online or something!" I said. And that was good-bye.

But I got home, and I was certainly not depressed anymore. I'm looking forward to working again... I even hope I can make it as early as possible after my show rather than hang around there... It's fun... It's free of judgment... It's nurturing, in its own way... And most of the girls are really sweet, just living crazy lives, and often probably stressed about something, and sometimes it doesn't come out great, in that environment, being a bunch of scantily clad women essentially competing for the desire of men... Strange business. It never bothers me though...

I dunno, it's saved my life. It's allowed me my independence. It's actually allowed me to take better care of myself. It really has.

Catch-up and a Response.

So Thursday night I went to work, and yesterday I went to see Julian... yeah, and then I went straight from their to E's open mic place, and I played, and felt I tanked and I talked to E for a bit, he's become a friend now, ironically... And then the guy who owns the place was there and ran out and said "Hey, you, I have a slot open tomorrow night for an hour long set... Do you want it?" So I'm playing tonight... an hour... That's like my entire repertoire... That's like 10 songs or more... I haven't played most of them in ages... I have to practice all day and write down notes and NOT be nervous.... Well no one can be nervous for an hour. I think it'll be good for me. I'm almost considering telling people. I want to go to work tonight too so I'll have to go right after. It'll be a long day.

So first...

I want to respond to KS- I know where you're going with that question... Don't think I haven't considered... My belief system is an intense, ever-shifting, often-painful, love-hate relationship with one, then another, then none at all, then a few... much like my other relationships, which are getting less tumultuous and deeper as I grow up, which is a good thing, but for now... Well I'd like to go into it... but another time... Just to say, my apparent lack of faith is not for lack of interest, or consideration... I don't live the unexamined life... and when I'm hanging on the edge I look out... and sometimes I feel... Anyway...

I'm going to continue this in separate posts... I think that would be wise...