Phonecall with Julian Thurs morn.

"Hello."
"Hi Scarlet you wanted me to call you."
"Hi, yeah."
"Okay well, what, what's going on?"
"I'm just really struggling with this, being completely ignored by you, and, I don't know if there's anything you can say, but just, yeah it's like been--"
"Well, have you tried seeing another therapist?"
"I've thought about it."
"And where are you on that?"
"I've sort-"
"Because I know a, a guy, he's an older guy, and, I like him, I mean, not that that means you'll like him, but, I can try, I don't know his availability right now-"
"Okay-"
"And as far as the letters, you-"
"I know."
"You know what?"
"You think I should stop writing you; I will-"
"I didn't, okay, you're putting WORDS IN MY MOUTH now-- I thought, you'd want to stop writing, so that you can move on, and my not responding, I just thought it's, it's like you said I'm, I'm shunning you or, and I'm not, I just thought I should try to help you, move on and..."
"Right."
"And so yes we can, I can try to reach this doctor and we can move forward from there-"
"MOVE FORWARD FROM THERE... ugh... what, do you have like two minutes to talk right now?"
"Well I'm- Janet's in my office and I'm in her office and she has an 11 o clock, that's, that's the situation..."
"I see..."

"Hello, Scarlet?"
"Yeah I'm here."
"So yeah, I'll get in touch with this doctor, I know he doesn't take less than 150 dollars though, he's out of network but..."
"Oh Julian I can't afford to be--"
"I know but I'm sure he'll-- and, I can tell him about you, beforehand,"
"What?"
"If you want me to, it's up to you."
"Are you crazy?"
"What??"
"Is that COMMONLY done?"
"It's within the REALM of standard practice, yes... Scarlet?"
"Here."
"...so, so, what do you, I'm having trouble figuring out--"
"Ha! I'M having trouble figuring out! Are you like, totally unaware that there's anything wrong besides that I've stopped therapy, or what?"
"No... I'm... I'm aware that there's something besides that."

"The way you're talking to me is just, feeling really false, J."
"What do you mean, can you explain that?"
"Yes, it's just, and I don't want to be presumptuous or insulting it's just like, this whole, I dunno, business-like and maybe slightly condescending--"
"Well, I'm sorry if it seems condescending, I'm, I am, on the phone, in Janet's office, I mean I don't know what to say, what do you want?"
"What I want. Is to talk to you. Outside of that office. Like a-"
"I can't do that, Scarlet, I CAN'T, I cannot-"
"It doesn't have to be OUTSIDE of the office- there are a lot of things that were left hanging but- that I still need to-"
"Well, I don't want to say, since you keep writing 'just don't call me up and tell me to make an appointment'..."
"Who cares what I keep writing? You sound like, are you really irritated or, what's going on..."
"I'm not, I'm sorry if this sounds cold and clinical-"
"It's not just cold and clinical you sound irritated-"
"Well I'm on the phone, and I have a time issue, so, yes, maybe I'm a little stressed about that, maybe that's what you're hearing."
"Anyway yeah, I'll make an appointment- but no- then you'll just be dishonest there."
"I'm not dishonest with-- I'm always honest--"
"JULIAN."
"What?"
"For you to say, that you've always been completely open and honest with me right now, is just, it's crazy."
"..."
"It's just bullshit."
"Okay."

"So yeah if you can be honest with me, in an appointment-"
"I, I will be..."
"Then I'd like to make one."
"Okay so I'll look in my schedule and I'll find a time and get back to you this afternoon or it might be tomorrow morning because I'm booked solid through today but-"
"Okay."
"Okay so I'll do that and, did you want me to follow through with that doctor?"
"..."
"Scarlet?"
"No, no thanks."
"O-kay. So. Okay. So are you okay?"
"I feel better now I heard your fake-mad/irritable/nervous-wreck voice, yeah,"
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

Hello, you've reached the confidential voicemail of Julian Darcy. To leave...

Vinnie called me just now, and I didn't answer... it would make sense to go to work tonight since I can't tomorrow or the following, but, I'm so tired, and I have my show coming up and I should practice, and rest a little.

I went thrift shopping with Em today. SCORED. Like, whole new wardrobe for $50. And 2 pairs of rad shoes. Unbelievable. It's partly, I kinda knew what I wanted going in there. You need to, in a gigantic Good Will...

Um, I feel really sad, and confused. J canceled Friday, and I said I maybe couldn't Tuesday, and he said he maybe could Monday, but never followed up, and now it's Sunday night, and like, I haven't written him at all, like I usually do, but I have about that, to ask about the appointment. And he hasn't answered. And now it's tomorrow, and I don't even know... I guess it's Father's Day. And he's... out of town or something?

Who knows.

But he should be responding to his patients. About appointments. Especially when he requires a 72 hour cancellation notice.

And. This makes me really sad. And I still really care.

Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.*

(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)

7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.

Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?

So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?

Could you be more specific?

Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.

He said nothing.

I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.

He was looking away.

I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.

He nodded.

If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.

I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.

Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--

You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--

The only reason I said it was a dumb--

But I wanted to know because--

Oh, sorry, go ahead--

No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.

No, go ahead.

I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--

Oh! Well, okay!

What?

So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?

I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...

Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-

Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.

Why-

And you never take ME at face value.

What do you mean?

I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...

That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.

I cracked a smile.

I took a deep breath and sat back down.

He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.

I mouthed, Yes.

And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...

I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.

And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.

He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.

I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.

And I don't wish that on you either.

.............................................................................????

Why would you? I said.

I don't know...

When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--

He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.

I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"

He called me back an hour later.

He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--

No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?

Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...

Dr. Freud your slip is showing.

Ok, one more strike.

He just asked if the appointment could be at 6 on Friday.

I think I'm done with this for real now. It's fucked up.

Endgame???

I wrote a blog this morning that didn't make it up because my internet's been on the fritz lately.

I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.

JERK.

Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.

He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.

He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."

HA! HAHAHAHA.

I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.

I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.

Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?

He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?

I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??

Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:

Bam

Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.


Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.

Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.

Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.

Amen