I wrote a blog this morning that didn't make it up because my internet's been on the fritz lately.
I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.
Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.
He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.
He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."
I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.
I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.
Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?
He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?
I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??
Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:
Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.
Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.
Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.
Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.