Sunday, March 28, 2010

I'm actually sitting at the hotel in Utah right now, at a bigger and more comfortable laptop than my own, in a much warmer and more private spot than I usually do at home... but... it's totally uncomfortable to write and even think, seeing as I'm with my stepdad. He's pretty much asleep to Home Alone right now, but. I don't think it requires much further explanation.

I'm really sick of being so limited in my ability to write, due to my shit laptop and my nonexistent connection and I'm going to finagle some more money out of some more people even if it means honest work.

I've been skiing. I love it. I love anything physical. I've always been able to make my body do whatever I want. And I love nature. And I love silence, and solitude, and sanity, and sanctity, and high white mountains and god's country and being one with the the planet and having to move to a rhythm that moves with the earth and having to focus so hard with so much beauty blasting your face in order not to eat a mouthful of snow, teeth, blood, salt, water, dirt, lunar rock.

But of course, there's the rest of the day... It's... Just... I see him generally for a few hours a YEAR. And this is like 55 hours straight. And it's tough for me to be without my piano. And without my solitude. And I have Stefan with my housekeys and my car and taking care of Madeline and... and... I thought maybe it would be nice beyond just the snow out here but it really isn't because Michael does not give a damn about anything in my life and in fact makes it quite clear he doesn't want to hear it. Michael being my stepdad... I guess like Julian said, there really just is no connection there... and Julian... I can never write about him again, I won't ever think about him again like that. But here I go. He never thought of me like anything. You don't have to comment. I know I've said it before, but I know it now. I don't understand everything that happened. I don't understand any of it. There's a lot that doesn't add up. But I'm not going to try to figure it out anymore. I don't know how long this pain is going to last, but I'm going to start dealing with it fully...

Stefan, have I mentioned him before? Another psychic, magical, guy I was with... Not THE psychic magical-- Sean-- who I was gonna marry-- who I don't talk about. Because he can hear me. So I'm gonna continue not talking about him...

Stefan though... I fell for him in one second, like I never have anyone... And he was here and somehow we connected so much and he was still ignoring me and jerking me around... and then he went to Europe two weeks later... it was right before Julian... well, overlapped a little actually. And I wrote him for a while. And I really thought he would come back and I really thought he wouldn't. And now he did. And as soon as he did, he's acting like my boyfriend... And I'm just so fucking confused. And I'm sitting here in Utah with this fucking loud TV on and a bunch of stories and a person who was in most of my life and doesn't know or care to know a thing about me. And there's nowhere for a thought to go.


  1. I know about the "it doesn't add up" factor. I've spent months (make that years) trying to decipher the behavior of men and boys I thought might care, but could never find proof. (and yet, conversely, could not find proof that they did NOT) I wish I had some trick to share, but really it's just breathing and trying to function without absolution? Hang in there.

  2. Stay focused on YOU. No one else is important. Keep looking ahead and know that what lies ahead is better than what is behind you. You can't change what was, only what will be.

  3. send some of the mountain love back my way. I live in the flat lands and I long for the majesty and wonder in those rocks sometimes. Thinking of you