Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dry Eyes and Humble Pie.

his article was right.  Rumination, depression, does bring clarity.  It's all so clear now.  Of course he was never interested in me like that.  I am projecting... And in some ways transferring, the anger, at least, anger at myself, anger at rejection and previous men and previous rejections and previous abandonment and my delusion and arrogance.  HE didnt do anything wrong or unprofessional at all, he is sarcastic with me or acts bored because hes treating me like an equal, like a person, not a fragile patient, and he has been gentle wit me at times i needed it, and he says nice things to me because he means them, and i should hear them and their true, like that we have a connection and similarities because the merit acknowledging, and because its a good thing, and it is good that i felt this connectionand respected and stuckwith it.  and i should continue to feel the connection, intellectually and stuff and chill out and leave him alone and talk about other things again...i was really happy for a while, self-growth, art growth, busy... and love-buzzed, when enjoying the feeling was enough, before i needed to tell him, before i needed to think he liked me too, before i started reading all his conversation as flirtation, just earnest, straight forward conversation, playful funny sometimes cuz that's how he is... And ended up making me feel really good... And why should that change now?  I had a slice of humble pie.  And I need some friends.  

I'd like to say I'll tell him all of this on Friday.  That hell be proud of me, for all these realizations, there's some more growing up, that I don't need to be in love to be happy, that not everyone I love has to love me, that I'm not always right, and I don't always know, and that I appreciate the way he's dealt with everything.  That I won't succeed at everything I do, that I'm not special, but that I'm fine and I have  a plan and I have to work for it, get my life in order, work hard in school, and music but not expect a career out of it, make more friends and work hard to keep them, and know that not everything's going to be fun.  Eat better, sleep better, drink less...

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