playboy

i could not sleep last night
sigh
it's okay
i was writing a lot... music and stuff.

so the playboy meeting was kinda awesome. the agent was actually way cooler than i expected, we talked about the midwest, and the industry changing, and career plans.

they loved me basically.

but now i don't know. when you start out you're not a Month or a centerfold... just a bunny chick. and it pays SHOCKINGLY little. like any regular magazine shoot... and he told me I'd have to cover up my tats, unless I wanted to do the web thing, and I don't, and to gain 5 pounds-- which would normally be a piece of CAKE-- but right now seems impossible...

And it's so public. It's playboy. and it's not like being a centerfold when you're some famous person. and now everything's on the web forever.

so I don't know, I told him that and he understood... and they have me on file, and to give him a call whenever I decide.

I'm going to just get up now I guess, bone-weary as I am, jog to the gym, meet Celine and take a couple classes that will probably kill my malnourished ass. Then come home, pass out for a bit, and go to work.

That's the plan, Stan.

Nico

I went hiking with Em today. For 3 hours and it was so beautiful and I made us climb up the rocks and completely leave the trail and Em found a bunch of waterfalls... I was dreading work, my heart weighs a million pounds and it just seemed so awful... But I made myself go and as usual, it wasn't so bad. I actually made a decent something and this girl Nico is just so beautiful I die. She dances like, a hot dream, she's like a wet dream actually, and we were flirting a lot tonight. I don't really like girls like in that way, there's just nowhere for it to go... Sexually, physically, practically or in a longterm sense, and I don't even really know what she's like, but man I could watch her for days..

Gutter Glamour

My new shoes glitter like midnight, asphalt under a streetlamp...

THIS POST WILL SELF-DESTRUCT...

.... I wish I could put up some pictures for you all (you nebulous, indeterminately-existent-"All"...) but I'm on the DL. Here's one though... I think it's safe enough... But this post may disappear soon-ish...

Another Stripper Question for a Shrink...

I did good tonight. I always do better when I'm sad... I come in, don't talk to anyone, do my make-up, dance different, more sex, more angst, more pathos... I drink more and I talk to the guys because... I'm there. And I don't wanna be anywhere else. There's nowhere else. Not at some better job, not with better friends, not with a man who loves me. So I dance. Dance the pain away.

My Playlist on Stage:

Buddy Guy- 5 Damn Years
Jay-Z- Empire State of Mind
NIN- Closer
Bob Seger- On the Road Again
Jonny Lang- Lie to Me

And Off to the Races.

Well time to suck it up, S-O, and go to work. Off you go, ma poule, my little chickadee, turn on the red light, bitch.