To Bathwater: Your turn to say I told you so.

So Bathwater once commented on one of my frantic Julian posts and said that "now [i'll] go on holding his perfect unattainable image as this romantic ideal, and no one will ever be able to live up to the fantasy."

Well B. I think you were right. I've been secretive in this blog largely because I've been busy, with all the stuff I've been working on, just no time or privacy or energy to write, also superstition and not wanting to write about the actual work, cuz it's boring to talk about art, and because some people have found it...

But the thing is. I still have these feelings for J, I've had them intensely, and I realize it is something I'm holding onto that serves some weird purpose but... maybe it's time to let it go, for real.

So. Maybe it's time to let it go for real.

go ahead and say it:

Over It.

Okay.

I am officially over it.

It's time to do other things.

Ridiculous, is what I've been, and deliberately or not, this guy wasted a lot of my precious time. But don't think twice, it's all right.

I can't say I'm not sad about this. But. What else am I gonna do. I dunno. I should get another therapist. I'm not doing so great. Sigh.

And, classes.

Time to go to class and hustle. Now I'm in a moving period. Going, going. I like my classes a lot... I'm just... sigh... I just don't know what I want to do with myself, ya know? I do well in them... I could do much better and finish school much faster if it were all I'm doing. But it's not. And I like the other stuff better. My soul needs it. So. Here I am I guess.

And the sadness. The loneliness of just not having love, even if I have friends, no love for so long... Wow. I dunno. A year. Is that normal? I mean there's been love... but... limited... extremely... frustrating... I can't move without giving it one more shot... just to run into him... and see what happens... I need to stop thinking about this. I'm thinking about it less. And I haven't written him in 4 days and I have no impulse to now.

Okay. Class.

The Man Who Knew Infinity

You know, back when I was wee, one of my earliest memories in fact, which begin unusually late, is whaen I was eight or nine and we were sitting in this math class and I remember I like figured out some math formula that the teacher had never seen before and her jaw dropped and they thought I was a genius and wanted to skip me grades and put me in special Talented Kid programs and they told my parents and my parents were like overit they were like nah it's not a good idea nope so they just let me have the period free instead to go discover you know, how to time travel and stuff. So I would go outside and like leave the school grounds and run around in the woods for an hour, in the snow, or the spring bloom, or the rotting leaves, and lose track of time, and come back late, and they never gave me a hard time for it because I suppose, they thought I was making discoveries in aerospace technology, or, more likely, they just felt strangely sorry for me.

I remember what the thing was though...

Did I tell you about this?

It seems pertinent, for some reason, right now.

But it was this: They sat us all down, well, Ms Marshall did, and gave us the entire class period to take a crack at the seemingly impossible task of adding up all the numbers 1-100. (As in S+1(1-100))... Without a calculator. So this was supposed to take forever, for some reason, though now that I think about it, even doing it straight, wouldn't take that long... would it? I don't even know. How long it takes to do anything straight. Wait no that's 100 fucking equations that would take forever.

But and they were gonna then, the grand reveal, was, that like, 1+100=101, and 2+99=101, and 3+98=101, etc... and that would happen 50 times, so 101x50=5050..... So but I finished it after some time, and handed it in, and had 5050. I'm surprised I had the answer correct, even if I figured this thing out, and didn't make some sloppy error, like I've done, with everything that I ever have done, after that, and will continue to do, always, at least SOME sloppy error somewhere.... and Ms Marshall was like HOW DID YOU DO THIS????? and I showed her on the side, these patterns, I recognized these patterns see like this one and then this one and her jaw dropped...

The patterns: so, 1+2+3, etc... is 1, 3, 6, 10, 15, 21, 28, 36... so it was like, (1x1), 1x3, 2x3, 2x5, 3x5, 3x7, 4x7, 4x9.... so, this progression, I guess... it was the same IDEA as her trick really, not nearly as efficient, I think I just went down the line that way, stopped actually multiplying, but just went down the list seeing what the next equation would be until I got to the last one, and it was obviously, also, 50x101... but... yes... so I got like rewarded I guess, for doing something well, with futzaround time. And I guess. That's always been a good reward.

That's what I talked about today with Julian. It's the last time I'm seeing him for a month, if not forever. So, yeah. That's what I told him today.

He asked me if I'm familiar this mathematician, Ramanujan. He said he was this math genius from a little village near Calcutta, and something he did, drew the attention of a teacher, who brought him recognition, and eventually he want to Oxford and discovered all kinds of shit, and then, and Julian apologized here, he eventually went crazy...

"Sorry to... bring it down like that... but... his perspective of the world was different too. He saw it as shapes, forms... The formula he did as a child was... something like yours... it was similar, I don't remember...

"But, but that's why he could discover these formulas, because, he saw life differently..."

He told me they mentioned him in Good Will Hunting. That there's a book about him.

The Man Who Knew Infinity.

Hot, Hot Summer

It's so hot. Really it's not even hot, it's just the sun through my windows of my clean, clean apartment. In the horizon of the clear blue. Like a sneaky keyhole to hell.

It's so clean. The cleaning ladies came yesterday and they did a fantastic job. Word from the wise, to the wise, or others: Get a cleaning lady. A filthy apartment is a depressive agent, and one's own apartment is inscrutably difficult to clean... I personally find myself repeatedly and frequently distracted by every object with which I come in contact. Oh-- this old thing! Oh-- I should alphabetize these! Oh-- I haven't read this in months! Do I need this? And cetera. I wouldn't even know where to begin. And so easily remedied this problem. One of the best investments one could make. So. It's sparkling clean. It makes me feel better.

And I didn't even have to store Madeline anywhere... The women that came yesterday were cool and pretty and they did awesome. The ones I got the last time sucked. I'D done better. But yeah.

Sigh. I'm reading my favorite book again. Of course I forgot how good it was... It's over a grand pp long... I'm tired and...

School's almost over... I'm probably gonna do pretty well... It's COMMUNITY COLLEGE and I only took two classes so it's kinda like I better do well... But still, it was hard to manage, caused all this stress and... It's still an accomplishment... Just to get it done with... I kinda doubted I could, and they were valid concerns because it's quite possible I won't finish even these two classes and if I do it'll be by the skin of my teeth, so I'll be satisfied.

I have a cool gig. It's a movie. I'll be playing a stripper. Heh. Small thing, but... still... I know a lot of people wanna do this kind of stuff so it's hard to get these gigs.

I always think of the years starting and ending in June, because that's when school was over... So I'm looking back on this year like, What?

I don't know what to make of it.

I have nothing to say for myself. My coffee in the heat. Not steaming or cooling.

Blue-hoo.

So I got through all the unwarranted stress of this week... I'm just depressed. I feel like a part of me was cut out with a knife, and there's a hole now.

I started writing Julian last night, a long old e-mail. And I just didn't send it.

You're right Kat hot men are just always flirty. And I'm just another person he's just naturally flirty with. And that's it. And it makes me really sad. That's all.

I gotta catch up on reading and writing and a whole buncha stuff... but I'm cold here at the cafe so I'm gonna run home right now. I will soon.

One more time with this:

So I had one of my tests today and I think I nailed it, and I got an A yesterday too, though I got a 37/40... I think that should be an A-... Well no, I guess it's 92.5 and it rounds up. I mostly care though that they were small mistakes... it wasn't like a didn't know words, I just spelled a couple wrong.

I have Psych test tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I know absolutely nothing. I'm lucky enough to learn a lot of things by osmosis... but this is too much... Sigh. Well I have a few hours to cram.

I don't feel too great right now. I haven't spoken to Elena for more than a few minutes here since the last time, which was a month ago now. Or more. She just never calls me back when she says she will. And I'm the one to call. International. I don't have a plan. It's like free for her. It's just getting old.

I saw Julian. He was nice and cute and friendly. He showed me a New Yorker cartoon he said mae him think of our conversation, and we talked about the youtube link about recurrence, and he showed me Rockstar (it's Rockstar)'s scratches. But he didn't say anything about things I'd said in the e-mail, he just ignored it all, except for the part where I mentioned his looks that made me feel like he was skeptical of what I was saying. I think we're just trying to move past it. Yeah, he's definitely just trying to get me past it. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess he can see that I have some other stuff going on, and that I can talk about it, so we're moving past it. You were Kat to just take things at face-value. Dead-on right. He even used those words once. I mean ks- don't know why I felt like calling you Kat, heh. Whatever little innuendos and hints and things I see in my head are really JUST MY IMAGINATION. The staring, it's just what therapists do. He's just kind of a flirtatious person by nature I think. And he's hot. So it probably seems he's flirting when he's not. I feel like an ass.

I just talked to Pasha (I don't know if I've mentioned him... trying to keep things simple and all that... and sorry about all the weird names in my life... I hang with a lot of e-pats... but he's a guy who I met at the club ages ago, and we kinda had a sugar-daddy thing going, I mean he just helps me with bills and stuff but like he's not my boyfriend... we would just *$&#... but then we were like, friends too... and actually like each other ... and I felt cool about it and then I felt weird about it and I talked to Julian about it-- again, how would he ever possibly be interested in me when I tell him things like that-- and Pasha is actually REALLY F-IN COOL. I always thought he's really funny, and really nice, and really level-headed, and sharp and he's attractive and really just the bomb but we just have a different kind of relationship like there's no romance I don't feel THAT way about him, I actually feel about him more like a friend like someone I can call and cry to, but anyway, I hadn't been seeing him at all, probably a lot to do with being in love with J, and I saw him again recently, and told him all about Julian, and he's like totally fascinated by it and was like perfect so you're not sleeping with anyone, you can sleep with me, i'll be the pig, and then you can have him as your intellectual half. Hah. But he said stuff about it that was just really right on-the-mark, like sensitive and perceptive stuff that I wouldn't think he'd know anything about, I mean he sure doesn't go to therapy... and today I was upset and I called him, and again he was really sensitive and dead-on and he was like, this is the part where it can get really dangerous and really fuck you up. You need to back off. Back off like 90%. This guy isn't going anywhere. And if he really wants you he'll move mountains to be with you.

And he's right.

Julian changed all my appointments around this week again and then last minute asked if Friday at 6 was good, so of course I said of course. And now I realized I have a show at 7. Another hour set. I'm gonna ask them if I can move it back a little since they're never on schedule anyway, and honestly an hour was a little too much to fill, but, really, maybe I should just try to reschedule or cancel with J this week. Really. I like thought (of course) this would be the night where it all happens. But after today. Come on, girl. WOW.

But she still refuses to get GPS.

I was racing around all day, headthrobbed, and I still missed my second class! Like, what the F?

I just look down and stare at my shoelaces for 45 minutes. Seriously.

Luckily I'm such a suck-up my attendance is usually excused, but man, it makes me feel like a mess, that I did that, I've missed like half my classes already, and I have the DREADED psych class tomorrow. I'm sitting in the BACK. Oh, that stupid extra credit too. F that. It's just too stupid, and peanut-headed, it's practically against my principles.

I was on the phone with an old gf from KINDERGARTEN just now; she's amazing and incredibly funny but it was two hours and my head started really throbbing, I can't do the phone sometimes, I'm becoming just Lord of the Flies over here. What was I thinking about just now. Oh yes. I drove back ("back") from this meeting and went a little the wrong way spacing out to Vivaldi and giving change to freeway bums and stopped at a Starbucks and finished this 8-letter to my first love who's currently in prison (sigh) and then ended up-- I was about 3 miles from home-- driving like 9 different freeways for 45 minutes and missing the class. I missed the merge and the exit and the street and the exit and the merge and the merge...

HELP. Really.

Love and "Lie to Me" by Jonny Lang

Scarlet-O