Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Stefan- overit. He acted like a jerk, not a big deal, but enough to just turn me off. Immature, two-faced, not a gentleman, trying to be cool. I told him he was full of shit. I'm not even disguising names anymore because I don't care. I told Julian and he said it was good, he said some men respond to women being mean and step up to the plate, but that even if he doesn't it's good, because it would've been a bad foundation for a relationship. He asked me how I would've dealt with it before and I said back in October I just ignored all that stuff, all those red flags, and wanted him anyway, because we had a connection and I didn't want to give it up...
I said I wouldn't talk about Julian anymore, but screw it, because, it's not the same anyway... I've totally accepted that he's not into me like that, he's probably happily married with kids and why shouldn't he be... He deserves it. I think I'm still deep down really sad about it. But... I think maybe I talk to him more openly now... Well I do. I was just sitting there in silence blushing before. I talked to him about Stefan, even sex with Stefan, which was lousy, he drinks too much... and dancing, and the club... I was sitting with my boss and the DJ last night, the cool one I like who's only there two days a week who has picks me awesome new songs and has a sense of humor, it was late and everyone just left but I had hundreds of ones to count out because I made all my money on the stage, and the DJ was like, you rocked it out tonight it was raining bills every time you went on.. aren't you glad you stayed? and my boss was like, What, was she hovering? Don't you know, she's the Invisible Person. She's the disappearing dancer. She's there one minute and the next minute I have a call from her, hey, I'm on a plane halfway across the country... Hey, I needed to get out of there and go to another part of town... Hey Vinnie I'm down the street if you need me... We were DYING cu3 that's exactly what I say and I was like Vinnie you know sometimes I just caaaaaaaaaan't... and he was like, I know, it's OKAY, sometimes I can't either, but I'm stuck here. Hehe.
So after I finished telling that story I started tearing up, I was staring at the celing, and J asked, where did you just go? And I said, all over the place, I dunno... I'm not depressed... I'm doing things you know... I'm just sad, like this, all the time.. Why? And he said, well that's not an easy question to answer... but I do think the chemicals in your brain... tend to change sometimes, and put you here, and when there's nothing to pull you out of it, like talking to Jo, or skiing, or your music... it's kind of the default emotion...
Our time was running out and I was still sobby but I was putting on my shoes and he asked if I need a minute and as I nodded I started hysterically sobbing down into my knees, and I finally stopped myself, I made myself focus on something, I dont remember what, skiing maybe, moving with the mountain... and I said, Help.
He asked if I wanted to see him sooner, and I nodded. So I'm seeing him on Thursday instead of Friday. Thank God.
One of the guys last night wants to buy me a keyboard, like a really good one... That would be sweet. I don't know what it would entail... but the thought of like having an 88 key weighted Yamaha excites me a bit.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I'm really sick of being so limited in my ability to write, due to my shit laptop and my nonexistent connection and I'm going to finagle some more money out of some more people even if it means honest work.
I've been skiing. I love it. I love anything physical. I've always been able to make my body do whatever I want. And I love nature. And I love silence, and solitude, and sanity, and sanctity, and high white mountains and god's country and being one with the the planet and having to move to a rhythm that moves with the earth and having to focus so hard with so much beauty blasting your face in order not to eat a mouthful of snow, teeth, blood, salt, water, dirt, lunar rock.
But of course, there's the rest of the day... It's... Just... I see him generally for a few hours a YEAR. And this is like 55 hours straight. And it's tough for me to be without my piano. And without my solitude. And I have Stefan with my housekeys and my car and taking care of Madeline and... and... I thought maybe it would be nice beyond just the snow out here but it really isn't because Michael does not give a damn about anything in my life and in fact makes it quite clear he doesn't want to hear it. Michael being my stepdad... I guess like Julian said, there really just is no connection there... and Julian... I can never write about him again, I won't ever think about him again like that. But here I go. He never thought of me like anything. You don't have to comment. I know I've said it before, but I know it now. I don't understand everything that happened. I don't understand any of it. There's a lot that doesn't add up. But I'm not going to try to figure it out anymore. I don't know how long this pain is going to last, but I'm going to start dealing with it fully...
Stefan, have I mentioned him before? Another psychic, magical, guy I was with... Not THE psychic magical-- Sean-- who I was gonna marry-- who I don't talk about. Because he can hear me. So I'm gonna continue not talking about him...
Stefan though... I fell for him in one second, like I never have anyone... And he was here and somehow we connected so much and he was still ignoring me and jerking me around... and then he went to Europe two weeks later... it was right before Julian... well, overlapped a little actually. And I wrote him for a while. And I really thought he would come back and I really thought he wouldn't. And now he did. And as soon as he did, he's acting like my boyfriend... And I'm just so fucking confused. And I'm sitting here in Utah with this fucking loud TV on and a bunch of stories and a person who was in most of my life and doesn't know or care to know a thing about me. And there's nowhere for a thought to go.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
if I had a COAT HANGER right now I could do this in 10 minutes, and I'm watching this guy move at a snails pace.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I'm not going to talk about Julian. But I saw him today; I'll just share a joke he told me, out of the blue, right before I walked out:
A grasshopper walked into a bar, hopped onto the bar and told the bartender he needed a drink.
"Hey- we've got a drink named after you!" The bartender said.
"What?" The grasshopper said. "Why would you name a drink Kevin?"
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Proximity Effect
Before friendships become close, they must begin. Before, like, the internet, that wasn't even possible, to meet someone who wasn't right there. When I was a little kid, like 5, I had friends and I had best friends, and I don't remember choosing them. My parents chose them, sometimes based on their opinion of their parents (and then sometimes banished them when that opinion changed...) I don't remember anything before 5, I hardly remember anything before 10, and we moved schools a lot, but my friend from kindergarten Sharon is THE BOMB. She was my best friend for years, even after we switched elementary schools and I moved a couple towns over, and then we lost touch because my mom decided her family was low-class and she couldn't come over anymore... Which is horrible. Luckily I got back in touch with her on Myspace or something several years ago and she's still ama3ing, and god even though we live such different lives, we think the same way, and it's so important for me to have someone that KNEW me then, that remembers me, that recogni3ed things about me when I was six years old that I'd completely lost sight of... She is tough and funny and no nonsense and small-town working class but her mind is open to all corners of the universe and she's bright and outspoken and REAL and caring and JUST, she has character, and she loves her family, and she's just ama3ing.
But yeah, when I was like 11 I couldn't see her anymore... I had another parentally imposed friend, Carly, whose parents were later dismissed in the same way and my mom again tried to limit her coming over even though she really is the sweetest, most conventional, harmless girl. I like her, and I still talk to her, but our lives are different too, which doesn't matter, but our souls are very different, and I don't think she understands me, nor I her, but we still love each other.
But then around that age I started making my own friends in school, and started being aware of social things... I wasn't shy... I was always nice, a little on the outside, because it was a small town and my family didn't fit in. My parents didn't fit it, and didn't have any friends, and my brother didn't fit it... he was really quiet and he had one friend and he was a good student, and he was picked on. And I have no idea how much, cu3 it was never that bad... Well I don't know... it might've been worse than I thought...
But I made myself fit in, though it broke my heart at times and drained me of energy to do so... I had a little group in sixth and seventh grade, we used to have sleepovers every weekend, and make christmas cookies, and go into "town" to go shopping, and play ouija and stuff... We were all pretty creative... Hillary, Julia, Carly and me, and occasionally Allison, or Caroline, or Georgia. Hillary and I were kind of the leaders... and the most "popular" cu3 she played sports I guess, and a lot of boys liked me. And we started getting together alone more often... And we'd get invited to parties... And I guess we started caring... And one day, in the cafeteria, I can't even remember; I blocked it out; I didn't say anything I remember, but Hillary kind of told Julia something... and the two of us went and sat somewhere else... at a more "popular" table...
And then I was alone. I had a lot of friends, and made a lot more, but it was different, but that group in which I was so myself, that state of being so myself, was gone, for a long, long time...
Then high school and all about boys and playing at being a grownup and then adulthood and making new friends from different places, much older, with interesting jobs, and bohemian, and everything changed, those are the adult friendships...
I will to be continued as well...
Sunday, March 21, 2010
And I need the money. And I just can't get myself... I just couldn't walk up to these guys.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I'm not gonna write about him anymore. There's more to life and I live as though he's everything.
The rare times I've been going, I've been doing amazing things in yoga... But I always want to cry when it's over, and I always want to cry, and I want to cry now, but I'm gonna go to work and make a killing. Yeah that's what. What's gonna make me feel better right now... What...
"So, fuck," I said, "I couldn't believe it when I heard that song again that morning... I was like, I learned the piano, and I learned everything about him, and I've done more for the local homeless population than I care to recall... Lord knows it... More than I care to recall."
He nodded, wordless transfixed.
"And nothing," I said. "NOTHING, Bill, I'm screenfrozen, it's raining."
"I don't know what to tell you." He said. "That's not how it was for me. Cold reboot?"
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
ahhh, walking home. No money to speak of and just enough liquor in me to be really, really hungry.
I started writing Julian last night, a long old e-mail. And I just didn't send it.
You're right Kat hot men are just always flirty. And I'm just another person he's just naturally flirty with. And that's it. And it makes me really sad. That's all.
I gotta catch up on reading and writing and a whole buncha stuff... but I'm cold here at the cafe so I'm gonna run home right now. I will soon.
i took my psych test yesterday. came in late. with all my homeworks from the days i missed to turn in, and we were supposed to bring our own scantron and pencils and obviously i didnt have that so i interrupted everyone to borrow them. and then i sat down to take the test.
and i was like: What???
it was material i'd never seen. ever. it was like a neurology test. i was shaking my head the whole time. i was like man, this guy is nuts, and just likes to mess with us, (i even considered there was some practical joke thing going on, like a psychological experiment to say who'd say something... cu3 he'd do that. he really would.) but i was like well i'll do what i can. i think i did pretty well. the test questions informed each other... hahaha.... and then i handed it in and having already whispered about my homework in front of everyone and flitted around during the exam just had to be like:
Ok prof I know I missed a week, but, WHAT was that? and he just looked at me like, well.. that was the test. and i was like, I mean, I had a list of concepts and terms to study, and that was... He was like, right, that was all about them, and I was like, Oh no, no, it really wasn't. And he picked it up and was like, Oh you got the wrong test, and just looked perplexed and I was like Well give me the right one!!! Give, give I have like 20 minutes right?? and he was like, you should've said something... and i was like, really i thought it was just my bad, actually, can you grade it, i wanna know how i did? and he's like no. i'm sure you did well... but it's the final...
So i took the damn test in like 5 minutes. And then we had regular class. And I take it back about him. he's kinda awesome, now that he's dropped the act, it was much better during the second class, and then the third, and now he's actually really cool... at first i think he assumed people would be judgmental and prejudiced against him so he like, played it up, actually kinda hypocritical, but he's not wrong. there was a girl last night who complained about the lecture and just said the rudest things in front of a class of 40 it fucking blew my mind. me and clara who sits behind me and is always saying things under her breath that are screamingly funny but like theyre not MEAN funny theyre just sharp and silly like little things youd say to friends, which is what i do when i speak out, im ARGUING with him but its not like im disrespecting him im arguing with him cu3 i wanna hear what he has to say (AND, ugh, and, because i'm spouting out Julian's ideologies. well that's really what it is.)
...but clara's also from a tiny town in the south and black and 53 so of course he likes her off the bat but she's really awesome too and when i walked in last night in my tank top dress she just shook her head at me and i plunked down in front of her and she pushed my bra strap down under the back of it...
and the class is kind of a shout it free-for-all, and i like that now that its not just him yelling at us... and this girl was just, my jaw dropped and i looked at clara and she was like W.T.F. and didn't even joke about it, she was like whatdidshesay??? and I was like "idontcareaboutthiscrap!" and she was like wellsheshouldbegladitsnotmestandingupthere... whatdidshejustsaynow? and i was like She says she wants to talk about the book... and then I said out loud You can read the book stuff IN THE BOOK. and prof laughed and the girls all the way in the back and we're all the way in the front so i couldn't see her but i guess she got embarrassed because he was like, Hey, don't let other people control you, and he likes to put me on the spot all the time but then at the end of class yesterday i was like, i am sorry i WILL be on time next week! and he was like, ok! i like having you in class, i like when you engage, because you make sense, it makes the other students think...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I have Psych test tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I know absolutely nothing. I'm lucky enough to learn a lot of things by osmosis... but this is too much... Sigh. Well I have a few hours to cram.
I don't feel too great right now. I haven't spoken to Elena for more than a few minutes here since the last time, which was a month ago now. Or more. She just never calls me back when she says she will. And I'm the one to call. International. I don't have a plan. It's like free for her. It's just getting old.
I saw Julian. He was nice and cute and friendly. He showed me a New Yorker cartoon he said mae him think of our conversation, and we talked about the youtube link about recurrence, and he showed me Rockstar (it's Rockstar)'s scratches. But he didn't say anything about things I'd said in the e-mail, he just ignored it all, except for the part where I mentioned his looks that made me feel like he was skeptical of what I was saying. I think we're just trying to move past it. Yeah, he's definitely just trying to get me past it. Okay. Whatever. Cool. I guess he can see that I have some other stuff going on, and that I can talk about it, so we're moving past it. You were Kat to just take things at face-value. Dead-on right. He even used those words once. I mean ks- don't know why I felt like calling you Kat, heh. Whatever little innuendos and hints and things I see in my head are really JUST MY IMAGINATION. The staring, it's just what therapists do. He's just kind of a flirtatious person by nature I think. And he's hot. So it probably seems he's flirting when he's not. I feel like an ass.
I just talked to Pasha (I don't know if I've mentioned him... trying to keep things simple and all that... and sorry about all the weird names in my life... I hang with a lot of e-pats... but he's a guy who I met at the club ages ago, and we kinda had a sugar-daddy thing going, I mean he just helps me with bills and stuff but like he's not my boyfriend... we would just *$... but then we were like, friends too... and actually like each other ... and I felt cool about it and then I felt weird about it and I talked to Julian about it-- again, how would he ever possibly be interested in me when I tell him things like that-- and Pasha is actually REALLY F-IN COOL. I always thought he's really funny, and really nice, and really level-headed, and sharp and he's attractive and really just the bomb but we just have a different kind of relationship like there's no romance I don't feel THAT way about him, I actually feel about him more like a friend like someone I can call and cry to, but anyway, I hadn't been seeing him at all, probably a lot to do with being in love with J, and I saw him again recently, and told him all about Julian, and he's like totally fascinated by it and was like perfect so you're not sleeping with anyone, you can sleep with me, i'll be the pig, and then you can have him as your intellectual half. Hah. But he said stuff about it that was just really right on-the-mark, like sensitive and perceptive stuff that I wouldn't think he'd know anything about, I mean he sure doesn't go to therapy... and today I was upset and I called him, and again he was really sensitive and dead-on and he was like, this is the part where it can get really dangerous and really fuck you up. You need to back off. Back off like 90%. This guy isn't going anywhere. And if he really wants you he'll move mountains to be with you.
And he's right.
Julian changed all my appointments around this week again and then last minute asked if Friday at 6 was good, so of course I said of course. And now I realized I have a show at 7. Another hour set. I'm gonna ask them if I can move it back a little since they're never on schedule anyway, and honestly an hour was a little too much to fill, but, really, maybe I should just try to reschedule or cancel with J this week. Really. I like thought (of course) this would be the night where it all happens. But after today. Come on, girl. WOW.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I really do. I went to class, I love my prof, it was fun and he likes the questions I ask and I ask a lot of questions and... I took the quiz after class, the one from Thursday, not the big test tomorrow, and so did a lot of other people, he didn't even make an issue out of it, at the beginning of class he gave them back to the ones who took them and then was just like, ok, because a lot of people didn't take the quiz yet, look over them and then hand them back and I'll give them back again tomorrow so the ones who didn't take the quiz can take it after class today, does that work?
And I took it and was just like, looking over it when I was done and was like, "Well. Here goes, I guess, staring at it isn't gonna help me now..." And he laughed it and picked it up, and he was like "It works... couple small mistakes..." and he showed me what they were and it was hardly anything... And then I talked to Jo after class and she works for a music licensing company and promoters, and she told me to bring a demo and she'll get me exposure and licensing through the company... So... I made a friend too. Yeah..
And she said I have to make a myspace page. She's the millionth person to say so, so... I'm doing it. Groan.
And I'm sitting here on campus on wifi, outside, and it's pretty, and the students are walking around and birds are chirping, and I have no idea why I didn't do this before... And I'm listening to the Gypsy Kings... And I'm teary from feeling good.. And I'm tired... And it's beautiful.
Love and Looking Up
Sunday, March 14, 2010
My vicodin wore off, and my mouth kills, and I'm so tired and I feel so sick and I have so much homework to do and the world just doesn't make sense to me and I think I'm so screwed and I don't know what I'm doing... I know I've come a long way but where am I going... I keep missing the exit and foing off in another direction, to somewhere I didn't know existed at al... And I keep running out of fuel... And why DON't we pull over? It's not safe driving in the rain...
Whenever I come upon a little decision tree, a selection of beautiful boughs to climb, instead of the barren stark crumbling trunk extended shaky up into foreverness, and I'm happy to see them but overwhelmed and unable to choose, an overzealous lumberjack enters the picture and makes my decision for me and I plummet to the ground and knock out a tooth.
Well that happened.
I was excited about this weekend and seeing my friend, and more so when Emily invited me/us to this show, and the guy from the Vons invited me to a swanky party and turned out to be really cool, and my boss called and actually really wanted me to come to work, and I really had to because I need money, and Kostya was around to record and I really wanted to because I haven't in ages. And I didn't know what to do, and then Friday night my tooth exploded.
It hurt so bad I had to find a walk-in dentist open Saturday morning. And after like the third sleepless night, half-delirious, I walked there, and practically fell asleep in the chair, and couldn't even bite down for the X-rays because it hurt so much. And then a cocky young dentist came in and told me my tooth was infected, the one on which I already had a root canal done, like I thought, like, excuse me how can the hurt? Doesn't it NOT have a nerve? But he didn't answer that, he just told me I could either get the crown removed and redone, or the tooth removed and replaced with an implant, and then went on to tell me I should get my wisdom teeth pulled, and that I had a cavity, as I was like OK I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. WHAT WILL THIS COST. HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR THE PAIN TO GO AWAY. WHICH SHOULD I DO. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE, NO, NOT IN THE PROCEDURE, IN WHAT IT MEANS FOR ME, PAIN AND COST-WISE AND RECOVERY TIME-- and he wouldn't ANSWER it was like he didn't even hear me, he started answering about how long the implant nonsense would take and was like Well first you have to wait 5 months for- and I was like OK. Nevermind. And he just kept going until he was done. UGH.
So I ended up doing nothing and now I'm popping Vicodin like Dr. House.
I couldn't even watch Dr. House, speaking of him, last night, because I was so messed up.
So now I did nothing and I feel really on edge... besides the pain... all the Vicodin, and having done nothing, and feeling like I messed everything up, and I have an expensive dental surgery with a bonafide a-hole that I can't afford and maybe no job and no friends and two tests and I won't see John for another bunch of years or get to meet all these people at this party. And I'm really fat again.
Love and losing-my-lunch,
Friday, March 12, 2010
"God... I'm.. Sorry about that letter... That's totally not even your--"
"It's my car."
"Oh!" I laughed. "Obviously... It's so obvious."
"Right. ...I hate having a spot in front of the building; everyone in this neighborhood needs like, a Prius..."
"Its a hot car; I've been admiring it for ages, I knew it was yours..."
He shifted in his seat.
"So was I right about the birthday too?" I asked, half-joking.
"Oh, well, what did you give yourself there, a 5-month, 4-month range?"
"Well yeah, I said I'd wanna tack on August, but I really only-"
"-ANYWAY!" he said, actually cutting me OFF to change the subject. Wow. Obviously I nailed it.
June or July...
But what does it matter. My beautiful Julian. No more flirting. I was so wrong about so much for so long. And I still.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The world is always such strange colors when your heart is broke. The sky is always mockingly blue. The sun is always diamond white. And little kids always wave, and bad radio stations always play good songs, and strange men always come up to you to ask you about your laptop and invite you to fancy parties, and professors always move your quizzes to next week. And a gloomy-looking homeless guy in his twenties with braids in his hair asks you for a hug and you always give it and he tells you he needed that more than anything in the whole wide world and you tell him you know exactly what he means and he says you just did him the biggest service and he's facelit and you shake your head and say of course and you hope he feels better and he says you have no idea.
And you've never seen so much eternal youth and shoulderlightness circumscribing the grocery store, and you know it's not just light refracting on the clouds in your eyes because when you scan the faces you still see that most souls are enslaved...
And you know that you are not. That once again, though you'd rather not, you can sail on rushing rivers made of rage and sleep on stormclouds in your eyes and drink from the ocean of sadness in your heart and scream into the cave, at the unhearing shadows on the wall because Prometheus brought down the fire and now he's in chains because you were never meant to see that the world is such strange colors and that your heart can break like the clouds, can break like the clouds before the diamond white sun comes up through them and shatters the glass into prisms of color, and the leaves weep their last silent teardrops from the shuddering, shimmering, rainblack branches.
I slept from around 3 a.m. Tuesday night until 11 this morning. Waking up every two hours or so. I didn't go to class yesterday, or today, though I could've gone today, as I woke up in time and just chose to go back to sleep, and couldn't even sleep much more, waking up finally only 15 minutes later. I think there was a quiz. Oh well. I'll make it up. I'll either make it up or fail. One way or another.
I checked my messages and there were two from Julian. His number is blocked, and I get these calls from people trying to sell me stuff that are blocked, and I got an e-mail from him in the morning saying he'd read all my e-mails and to let him know if I needed to speak to him before Friday, so I didn't think he would've called. If I knew I would've called back, or waited for him to try back. "Hi Scarlet, it's Julian... I was just calling to make sure we could find a time to talk if you want to, before Friday... My schedule is pretty much booked today, and tomorrow too, but we could make it before or after my other appointments if that works for you... Well, I guess I'll try back in about an hour..." "Hi Scarlet, it's--"
I called him back just now... and I called my insurance company. I'm actually really kind of worried about that... Ok so he doesn't like me. I don't care. I can't stop seeing him. I think that's kind of making this really much harder... that I might have to stop seeing him, or even cut down, maybe Therese is right and I'm having a breakthrough, and it would be really bad to stop right now-- either way it would be really bad to stop right now...
This guy just came up to me to ask about my laptop, and we started talking, and it turns out he knows some people I know, and he's in the music industry, and he invited me to this party tomorrow... And my friend from out-of-town is gonna be here tonight,who I really want to see, that I never see, like once every two years, who I write to, who's one of two people who know about this blog... I'm not sure when his last update was so I don't know if he's caught up but he'll understand if I start sobbing into my vodka soda. He's one of like two people I'd wanna see today. Besides Julian. Or maybe including Julian.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
he said We really have a strong connection, and it's unusual, and I feel it-
no you don't. I said.
he said Don't tell me what I feel.
he said Under different circumstances, at a different time...
he said, I don't think anything bad, I feel a lot of good things toward you, I don't think there's anything wrong with you!
I said I feel AWFUL. What are you going to do about it? And I was sobbing. And he said I wish that you'd wait and let me answer these questions at length, next time.
I said yeah I don't know about coming in.... But I know you have to make a call. I'm gonna let you go. I got up, my face still in my hands.
Scarlet. Please don't cancel Friday.
yeah... I said.
let me copy this for you.... It was from my insurance company, so I could call themhe gave it to me and I think I lost the thing already.... What can he say to me? What can he say to make it go away?
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The internet fucked up in class and this whole post just got lost.
Keep it short and sweet then.
Scarlet fell off the couch. I saw Julian today, and it's finally done. He told me he's not attracted to me for many reasons. He doesn't date his patients. He has a personal life outside of therapy. And my insurance didn't approve more sessions, and I have 3 left until the end of April.
So, fuck. I want to die, and I can't stop crying, even in class, even driving, even when Therese was over. I was delusional. I feel so sick. Therese is all telling me how great this is, how the happiness I felt had nothing to do with him. It makes me sick hearing stuff like that. Because all the magical happiness I create magically when someone loves me is all magically gone when they leave. And that hasn't changed. "It has to come from you." She said.
DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING ALONE I AM???
HOW MUCH MORE IS SUPPOSED TO COME FROM ME? I'M FUCKING SPENT. MY LONELY. LOVELESS. DELUDED. ASS.IS.DONE.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Today really is like, a robust day though, and I was driving back from school and feeling really kinda sad because I realized a day like today I wanna just hang out with someone outside for a while and not be alone and I didn't have anyone to call... but then I called Sunny and I haven't seen her in ages so we're gonna go eat or get coffee or yogurt or something later... so I'm happy. I realized I haven't eaten lunch or dinner or anything with anyone in two months. Except once with Eamonn, and it was McDonald's, and maybe once at the diner with some random I met at the club after work, at like 3 am, and that doesn't count. Actually mac and cheese at Emily's once too. And when Tony brought over the rice and beans at 4 a.m. But still... thats a lot of eating alone, unwrapping packages and eating in front of the TV at midnight... sigh... I'm glad I'm getting out today.
(somebody gave me a diamond ring once)
folks who looked down as i wasted time, they admired the girls brilliance
id go out to the park on sunny days or the yard or the swimming pool
and i wanted to be there and i wanted to be there and i wanted to be there
with whomever was with me, it wasnt even long ago, the way
the earth spins today and today
the air smells like the sun and cut grass and today
the air smells like yawning and today
i'm 15 years behind because each summer smells like the first
the ones that stretched before you like canvas
when i unlock the door
i'm already staring 15 years ahead because
today i have to count my blessings
because today i have to count change
i dont even look at the coins
they used to fascinate
they used to be treasure
treasure because they meant nothing at all
but they made me think up stories
i had to wait for my brother to go in the bathroom to
look in the mirror to
wonder what the praise was about
to wish my hair was curly
to wish my mouth was small
to paint my face
to paint my face
to paint my face and wash it off
and my brother had.something.to.say once
and my brother would say these things
once upon a time he spoke
i had these things
and one day the longing stopped because
i got it all because i didnt have to
think at all, because (the mirror never told me) i was so
and one day the longing stopped
and i had these things and i
lost these things
i didnt see them
and i didnt.have.to.
i used to have these things
a church on a hill against looming clouds
where i lay on the doorstep at twilight
waiting for rain,
when i couldnt make a song cry
when i couldnt go home
because we read in some books in history class that
a church was a sanctuary
and i couldnt go home because
the storm inside was louder
and at the time it was not beautiful at all
(though now it is)
because everything is beautiful now
everything is beautiful now;
i dont have anything
not these things i used to have
all those pieces.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
So I'm sitting here at the Sbux online, blogging and doing homework, and I'm cold, and I'm so, so, exhausted, and I have to pee...
I ran six miles today, and walked back two more from where I ran... I've been ruminating a bunch... but also productive. I dunno. I'm shocked at that e-mail I sent. Clips:
"... it is a pressing matter, now, a matter of pressing up against myself, now.."
..."can I see what did that test say again can you show it tome please can you sit here please can I see it and can you sit next tome and can I sit over here now and can I sit on your lap too? in yourlap? on your lap? Omg, *PLEASE*?..."
"...anywhere in a bar or on a roof or we know how we feel about cars but I can think of worse ways to spend my time than trembling and screaming in Julian's Jag or really I can't think of a better way actually, I can't..."
"...I can't wait to see you though I don't want to see you in the middle of your day, no, not only the middle of yourday, outer limits too please, first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and twilight, and in the rain, and in the sun, and Allah youare so beautiful whenever you open that door my heart just drops downinto my shoes, I hate wearing shoes, I hate wearing shoes..."
"...that's if I can make eye-contact, which is difficult sometimes, because see, in my head, it's perpetually "the morning after." I want to um, justify that..."
Yeah. Yup. Yeah.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
And again I got happy, weak in the knees, excited. He was so sweet... He was, he was in admiration... I don't know why I thought that because he made the appointment everything had changed... we talked about the article and my classes... And he told me a lot of personal-ish things... Career personal... and theories... and I was rapt and then I fell silent... and I switched seats... so we sat closer... and my body ached for him... and he said, "You look so pensive..." And he said "You need to be able to speak freely..." And he said,
"Okay, I wasn't going to bail you out, but you asked if I was being sarcastic... and no, I wasn't... I just realized as soon as I said that, that it was a gimmick, and cliche, and I didn't want to say it, it just seemed like the thing to say, it was... I think it was coming from a good place... but it was... well not necessarily clumsy, maybe clumsy, well it was a bad endeavor, so, I apologize for that, I'm glad you called me on it... And there were many other things I said on Tuesday that were... forced... I won't say those things anymore..."
"I'd rather you didn't, because they don't work, and I recognize the gimmick, and-"
"I know, I'm sorry... You're staring..."
"Sorry..." I said, and my body was burning so hard.... "I'm just, I'm physically distracted... I don't even have thoughts. I'm just... looking... I'm eating ice cream..." I said.
"Okay," he paused. "But there's always a direction of thought... I don't want to make you talk about anything, but what happens is now, you come in, and then you just stop, the dialogue stops, so... You're saying it's pointless to say those things you write... But don't you think it might be more beneficial than saying nothing at all?"
"You're very articulate when you write and... And I don't mind the e-mails, I'm glad you're telling me how you feel, but it's like you always say it after you leave... I just think instead of carrying on these two separate conversations, it might be valuable to say some of those things in here, where I can respond to them, right?"
"Right... Bail me out Julian..."
"Well the clock might bail you out soon--"
"I don't want the clock to bail me out."
"Oh, well... Why don't you think of a question you'd want to address, just so that you're not constraining yourself--"
"I have to constrain myself." I blurted out dead serious staring at the floor.
"Are you just like, oh god, this girl on my couch that'll never leave, stammering here about-"
He looked at me and shook his head and mouth 'no.'
"What you said on Tuesday about maybe it's good that I'm attracted to you since it shows I'm no longer looking for-"
"Ineffectual basement dwellers..."
"Hah, yes. Well... it was just..."
"It was clumsy and forced, it was one of those cliches, and I'm sorry I said it."
"I concede that. Was that what you wanted to say?"
"Yeah, it pissed me off..."
And then the clock bailed me out, and I said, Okay, and he said, okay, and I took a breath on the couch, and I got up and stood really close to him for a second, closer than I ever have and then mouthed 'Bye.'
And finally I ran out of cash. And my boss, Tony called me, last week, and asked when I'd be in... so it was time to go in... and still I put it off... I just couldn't do it... And then on Thursday, when I really bottomed out in my depression about Julian, I made myself run 5 miles, and even that didn't do a dent, and I didn't wanna play, and I'd missed class in the morning (since which I've spoken to my prof and it's totally fine), and then I was like:
Okay S, get your ass to work. Like I always said I dance better when I'm sad.
And I went. And Tony was so nice. And the girls were all so nice, and we joked around, and I'd missed it, and a bunch of my regulars were there, and they were happy to see me, and I did well, and this kinda celebrity actor from a sitcom was there, and ended up hanging out with me all night, he wasn't gonna get a dance until he saw me dance to Empire State of Mind, he's from New York... He said Not to be cheesy, but you're hotter than all the other girls here, by like a lot... I said Please, keep it coming, I need it... And I told him about moving here and I told him about school... We went to get food after, and he gave me his number and called me the next day... He's really young, only 22, and been on this TV show since he was 18, and he so nice...
AND, AND, OMG-- what I thought would be my worst nightmare happened-- and it was fine. Funny even. I got off stage about to go talk to the TV guy cuz he was tipping a lot and said to come see him for a dance... And someone said- "Scarlet..." And I turned around and here he was, this face I recognized, a face I recognized in the club-- not FROM the club-- saying my name. "Judd. Remember?" He was from my hometown. My 5000-person, rural, hometown.
"Yeah! Wow! Hi!" (standing in silver hot pants, fish nets, my pavement glitter 6-inch heels and a black vinyl bikini top...)
"How are you?" he smirked a little.
"I am super! You?" I said with a big phony smile.
"I dunno... broke and couch-surfing..." He said. Which should have clued me into the fact that he wasn't trying to be a jerk, maybe, but... he might have been... he could've been... my thought instantly filled with thoughts of the rumor mills, plentiful as the windmills, pumping judgment from the North... my privacy had been invaded... and how dare he... this was my turf. So I treated it as such.
"Well okay, okay, first of all, if you're broke... what are you doing here." Carmen and Asia giggled behind me. I laughed. "I have to go talk to someone over there real quick, you'll be around, yeah? Okay, great." And I walked off.
When the night was over I told all the girls in the dressing room, which was nice, cuz they all were all funny and supportive...
And when I got out, dressed, he was waiting, outside the door... "So hey..." "Hey!" "You taking off?" "Well my friends were leaving but..." Oh god I thought, it's late, and I do not want to hang out, and if he's COUCH-SURFING-- "Are those your friends?" "Yeah," "Oh, go, go, go, go with them, we'll catch up, find me online or something!" I said. And that was good-bye.
But I got home, and I was certainly not depressed anymore. I'm looking forward to working again... I even hope I can make it as early as possible after my show rather than hang around there... It's fun... It's free of judgment... It's nurturing, in its own way... And most of the girls are really sweet, just living crazy lives, and often probably stressed about something, and sometimes it doesn't come out great, in that environment, being a bunch of scantily clad women essentially competing for the desire of men... Strange business. It never bothers me though...
I dunno, it's saved my life. It's allowed me my independence. It's actually allowed me to take better care of myself. It really has.
I want to respond to KS- I know where you're going with that question... Don't think I haven't considered... My belief system is an intense, ever-shifting, often-painful, love-hate relationship with one, then another, then none at all, then a few... much like my other relationships, which are getting less tumultuous and deeper as I grow up, which is a good thing, but for now... Well I'd like to go into it... but another time... Just to say, my apparent lack of faith is not for lack of interest, or consideration... I don't live the unexamined life... and when I'm hanging on the edge I look out... and sometimes I feel... Anyway...
I'm going to continue this in separate posts... I think that would be wise...
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The ladder never changes.
But every now and then I lose my grip, and fall, and the fall is terrifying, and as my heart pumps adrenaline and the winds blind me the thoughts begin to race, I'm falling, I'm falling, I lost it all, the climb is an illusion, the top is an illusion, I'm Sysiphus, I don't want to do this forever and ever and on and why isn't there anyone here, why can't anyone help me, why do I reach out my hand when I know you'll never be there when I fall?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
I'd like to say I'll tell him all of this on Friday. That hell be proud of me, for all these realizations, there's some more growing up, that I don't need to be in love to be happy, that not everyone I love has to love me, that I'm not always right, and I don't always know, and that I appreciate the way he's dealt with everything. That I won't succeed at everything I do, that I'm not special, but that I'm fine and I have a plan and I have to work for it, get my life in order, work hard in school, and music but not expect a career out of it, make more friends and work hard to keep them, and know that not everything's going to be fun. Eat better, sleep better, drink less...
I MEAN WOW. I'M GONNA GET REALLY DEPRESSED NOW. FOR A WHILE, PROBABLY. And he's not gonna care. As a therapist or as a person. If I just didn't come in again, he'd probably have his secretary give a call and that would be it. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY BACK. ASSHOLE. OMG. Why wouldn't he make it more clear. And be nicer about it. To try to teach me something? Fuck. Seriously!? He was not exactly discouraging. He said "I'm not going to try talk you out your feelings." Maybe that's what he was doing, with his pathetic attempt gay question. And being a jerk, in general yesterday. Maybe it's all in my head. I'm done with it. Done. Done.
This was all. A terrible. Experience. When all is said and done. What the F have I been doing for 6 months. Okay. AM I REALLY REALLY STUPID? No. This is common. It's ok. I'm sad. And pathetic. And I want to die. Not to go get my hair done. But that works too. Oh god, a million depressing, nasty thoughts in my head right now. Ok, end result of this stupid experiment, is, there's no result, because the subject is an idiot. So my results are meaningless. Curtain.
I just got Brian's letter. Oh- and a fan letter from a guy Scotland of all places sent to my old band manager asking for an autographed picture with a self-addressed picture and big overseas stamp... random... Brian's letter makes me really, really cry. It's touching what he says, it makes me feel so good... I keep all his letters but I'm so disorganized I worry...
So, it's on, for tomorrow, no word from J about a new appointment time. I really kinda think... Well, I don't want to think anything. But I'm gonna have a shot before I go in there. No skittish Scarlet. I've definitely gotten a little bolder. A lot bolder. I just reread all my letters to him... I'm gonna excerpt the last one I sent last night, at 4 am or whenever... (the references are... rampant. But they're mostly to either that article he sent me yesterday or Eamonn and his homeless ass... haha)
Another apology here would be tacky- but I will promise- 1st time- that this is the last one avant dormir, and that it will be short.
So okay, a rumination, so okay you were trying to gently deflate some Disneyworld balloon castle I apparently seemed to be living in-- ok-- you're not a basement-dweller, then I'm not walking around in Northern Liberty covered in the debris of Barbie's dreamhouse after your B-29 bomber (gently) dropped the bomb and changed everything... but no it's cool a flashlight comes in real handy when you're homeless in Santa Monica and my Skipper doll glows like Chernobyl baby! Yup, plastic debris, hazmat, and a guitar, some mendable young Valley College minds... that's all ya need when yer homeless in Northern Liberty. Greatest time of my life. I idealize Utopia.
Okay, anyway-- like no, I don't believe in a right person for everyone or "lasting fulfillment," that's some real The Lion King soundtrack by Kenny G stuff... I don't believe in everyone or everything or forever or never, or the VPFC Explains It All, I mean no, you know, yes and no, half believe in, sometimes believe, hold as the only constant the constant ability to change (or to change from something that changes into something that never changes) I believe life is a sympathy we each compose individually according to our own personal sense of aesthetic, the major and minor chords, ff, ppp, allegro non troppo, the masterfade, atonal at times (but not like Michael's music) and here come the strings----- she likes Kenny G, he (still) only listens to smooth jazz, you listen to everything but mariachi music, and even to them if they're standing at your table, I mean, what are you gonna do, ask them to leave, no this is their job, and they've been doing for 75 years, so no you listen, you have your vino or cerveza or mojito and put a couple bucks in their sombrero when they're done with the song so they can leave por favor, gracias, gracias. But yes, no, yesno, what is that all about? Yesno. Ummmmm, ruminate, focus!!! No I believe in what I feel... and I don't regret... and... here it comes... I believe in the TRUTHS, those unassuming TRUTHS of my artists, my Flannery-O, my Ludwig-V, and James and Billie and David Foster Wallace-- (mentioned in the article! Wheeee!) and yeah... I dunno.... Team Science, Team Art wants to know... why do we always have to fight? I paint about mitosis, you theorize about Wallace, let's just make it work, huh? Hey remember Da Vinci? Remember that guy? Paintings and anatomy? And Giordano Bruno? Astronomy, astrology, angels and math? (I think they burned him.) Remember when Renaissance Man meant more than some douchebag who likes go fishing and do pottery and dress up in women's clothes when he's not selling people insurance on debts of companies they've never heard of?? Forget that guy! He's walking around in Northern Liberty somewhere, wearing a loincloth made of dollhair and burstbubble as a bathing cap, looking for his car.
I thought it was screamingly funny last night. Now I don't know. Ugh. Well he's received emails from even farther out of orbit from me before... but... before tomorrow... grrrrr. Nothing today. No. Way.
Ah its almost night already. I need to go for a run. ugh.
I feel... I can't wait for Thursday. OMG. I really can't.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I didn't even mean that- well I guess it was a Freudian slip type of thing- I was just trying to explain that like these "what-if's" were irrelevant because IF in fact they were the case I'd have long ago not been, like he was like, What if I was gay, and I was thinking, I wouldn't have kept talking to you like this privately, intimately, alone, four times a week for six months? Or if he were married, or I knew he were in a relationship, or anything, like, in other circumstance, it just wouldn't happen... though... the other interpretation is pretty much the same idea. And equally true. Ha. I'm gonna pretend I did mean that. Ha. Imagine.
No sarcasm, will clarify.
Here is the link:
Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
4**** Ave., Suite ****
P****, ** *****
....and the clouds have lifted...... oh boy readingtime
I'm just in a vile, vile, vile mood. It like, can't get worse right now. I've been busy and tired and PMS'd out of my mind, and trying to diet, and Julian-obsessing, and freaking out, and like, I've been such a WRECK about him the last few days, and today he was a JERK.
Maybe he's trying to be a jerk so I am no longer interested in him like this.
He was acting bored, and being condescending, and, ugh, I don't know. Yeah. Is that enough? Yeah, insensitive, too. I wrote him e-mails over the weekend. Love-lorn, love-dipped, one mentioned how I liked making him laugh, and today he didn't laugh at shit. Well, he did, a couple times, he wasn't trying to. I told him I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac. He laughed at that. And before we started talking and he decided to be a jerk he told me about an article I'd like that he'd send me about the link between depression and creativity, the way it allows an extreme level of focus. I said, One point for my team.
He showed me his scratches again. Next time he does that I'm gonna bite his arm. I asked his cat's name. He said Roxar. I said Roxar Darcy? He nodded. I was actually checking two things with this, did he have to think before claiming the cat's last name was his- girlfriend- and if it sounds like a kid's name. No, and yes. Probably not living with girlfriend, probably has a kid.
Then he showed me his scratches so I leaned as far toward him as I could. They looked like an R and a D. "He's trying to write his initials." I said. "Yeah, he's a creative genius, he gets depressed and then he lashes out and does his best work."
I'm trying to think now who was a jerk first. Oh yes, that's right, he was.
I was talking about something and he was staring at me looking deliberately bored and I said O-kay. That's boring. And he said, ........ And I said Okay, what should I talk about that's not boring? And he said, What you don't want to talk about. Or what you want to talk about.
Then he asked me what would change my feelings. And I said if my perspective changed about him, or time, distance. He said What if you found out I'm gay? I said, Are you? He said, No. I said, Well then, I don't know if it would help. He said, I would rather have gotten a direct answer than one filtered through another question. I said, Well, I was trying to answer it honestly, and as a hypothetical, I don't honestly know, because I don't believe it. If it's true, that's different. Why did you ask? He said, I was just trying to point out things that could change your feelings. I said. A lot of things could, but, if those things were true, I NORMALLY wouldn't be sitting here talking to you like this, do you know what I mean?
He also said something about the fact that it's good that I'm attracted to him because it's good that I'm attracted to someone who's not x y and z all these typically troubled qualities of people I used to date, and that I'm not looking for those things, but what's not good is that it's not-- and I said, Mutual. And he said, Um, well, I guess it's not mutual in some ways... it's not symmetrical, and then he said I should also want reciprocity. I said: OF COURSE I WANT IT. He said, Oh, yeah, of course you do... ??!?
I missed that at the moment but was he being sarcastic??
Hah, ok, I just wrote him this:
Wait. Were you being sarcastic when you said "Oh, right, of course you're looking for [reciprocity]..."??? Not very nice, if so, and way off-base at that. If not, well, you know, I'm just trying to carve my initials into your neck. Sorry. I'll go curl back up on the kitchen floor in the square of sunlight now. Warm and fuzzy again. Hey where's that article justifying all this behavior.
Hahahaha. The "Bam" because I'm triggerhappy.
Ugh. And, I don't have another appointment scheduled for this week. I noticed that yesterday, sometimes he changes around the schedule but usually it's straightened out by the beginning of the week. I asked him, how does this happen. He said some stuff. He said rarely some stuff. I said it happens a lot. He said I never cancel them... I said you change them. He said he's not the best scheduler. He said he's cautiously optimistic there will be a cancellation. He said if not, we can schedule one early or late. I said late, please. I said I have class all these mornings (hah not like my class is ever any earlier than his first appointment, I'm sure). He said okay, if there is no cancellation does Thursday eight pm work for you? Yes, that works, I said.
Gracious Mary, I know you hear me, please let all of Julian's patients be healthy and punctual this week, at least through Thursday evening.