I like J's article. Rumi Nation. I am definitely I am a ruminator. And I realized today I kept saying, "Because I wouldn't just be TALKING to you now," "because I wouldn't be sitting here and just TALKING to you, you know?" "Because we wouldn't just be sitting here together alone and talking to each other like this you know what I mean?" and he was looking at me like WHAT so I kept repeating it and now that I've had an alternate fantasy conversation with him in which I actually say, I don't want to say anything I don't want to TALK to you right now-- meaning I want to like just everything else already-- well, now I realize what it sounded like I was saying... Hah! OMG.
I didn't even mean that- well I guess it was a Freudian slip type of thing- I was just trying to explain that like these "what-if's" were irrelevant because IF in fact they were the case I'd have long ago not been, like he was like, What if I was gay, and I was thinking, I wouldn't have kept talking to you like this privately, intimately, alone, four times a week for six months? Or if he were married, or I knew he were in a relationship, or anything, like, in other circumstance, it just wouldn't happen... though... the other interpretation is pretty much the same idea. And equally true. Ha. I'm gonna pretend I did mean that. Ha. Imagine.