thank you TK, you know I think you're the Second Coming. And thank you, Bathwater, you're all right, man. :-)
and beautiful Phoenix. You're amazing and, your words are so gorgeous and, I KNOW, I know, I do know what you mean, and I'm gonna come to Julian's and my defense once again and then drop it for good but-- he didn't lie to me-- he told me he was married cuz he is, he told me he didn't have feelings for me because he DIDN'T want to lead me on, he wanted to be there for me as a therapist and he DID help me in innumerable ways and, fuck, he is human too, and it's not true about never in any point in time-- there are actual code of ethics guidelines about dual relationships and it is permitted after a certain point, based on duration of therapy and a whole buncha other stuff, and furthermore, MAYBE just MAYBE our connection is special- more special than most people get to experience- and we're a pair of freaks- and I know it seems like cloudheaded hogwash because it usually is- but maybe we're SPECIAL.
but you're right- you're right- i shouldn't wait here, sad, heartbroke, melancholy doodling his name and thinking only of the almost Biblical image of kneeling down at his feet and taking his hand... sigh.. i AM not doing that. i am living. i am not just waiting. i am stepping out into the sun, and i am opening my arms to the stars-- and Phoenix-- i am watching them tonight.
so should you.
there is a meteor shower.
Perseid.
tonight.
love, to you all
miss scarlet
Showing posts with label true love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label true love. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
But.
God I love him. God I love him. God I love you. God I love you.
Oh me and my "really primitive urges" right? REDUNDANCY, SIC. Thank you Julian C Darcy, from the Department of Redundancy Department, Thanks, hi what urges aren't primitive and what things primitive aren't REALLY primitive and since when is that grounds for dismissal, Pinkerian, isn't that like the most important point of everything?? I'M supposed to be the one musing on the value of aesthetic airstuff and lately he's been, he's even using that word now, "aesthetic", and being really abstract, and kind of hard-to-follow, and, well, it's making me mindraced and heartraced and it makes me body ache in really unsuitable ways, which I know is beside the point, but see J we're really really alike, and you're using my whole artillery of weapons against me to arm me for FUTURE WARS with foreign powers aren't you?
And what's fucked up is that-- fighting fire with fire is only going to burn down the HOUSE, and cause fireworks, big, magical, beautiful, ancient Chinese lightshows in the nightsky, gems of shine to rival Aldeberon and the Pleiades and Polaris and Sirius B, seriousLY, claps of thunder, Dopplerian screaming and screeching and whistling as they ascend, and burst, and hey, why are you always acting like you're in a minefield anyway? Trying to avoid setting off a spark? If there is no spark? And why have I been using war metaphors? Oh me and my "aggressive" and "violent" "primitive urges." They are VIOLET. Cuz I'm red and you're blue. Violet. They are getting violent though, pressure is building, buildings and buildings, they climb their way into the atmosphere, they will explode.
And it will be like the lights suddenly went on in one hundred million buildings at midnight in New York City from an airplane soaring fifty thousand feet in the sky.
And it will be the big bang and millions of galaxies in spirals in seconds from the black abyss, from holes of grim nothing and mirrors of everything.
And it will be like the light suddenly went on.
And it will be like And God said Let there be Light.
Oh me and my "really primitive urges" right? REDUNDANCY, SIC. Thank you Julian C Darcy, from the Department of Redundancy Department, Thanks, hi what urges aren't primitive and what things primitive aren't REALLY primitive and since when is that grounds for dismissal, Pinkerian, isn't that like the most important point of everything?? I'M supposed to be the one musing on the value of aesthetic airstuff and lately he's been, he's even using that word now, "aesthetic", and being really abstract, and kind of hard-to-follow, and, well, it's making me mindraced and heartraced and it makes me body ache in really unsuitable ways, which I know is beside the point, but see J we're really really alike, and you're using my whole artillery of weapons against me to arm me for FUTURE WARS with foreign powers aren't you?
And what's fucked up is that-- fighting fire with fire is only going to burn down the HOUSE, and cause fireworks, big, magical, beautiful, ancient Chinese lightshows in the nightsky, gems of shine to rival Aldeberon and the Pleiades and Polaris and Sirius B, seriousLY, claps of thunder, Dopplerian screaming and screeching and whistling as they ascend, and burst, and hey, why are you always acting like you're in a minefield anyway? Trying to avoid setting off a spark? If there is no spark? And why have I been using war metaphors? Oh me and my "aggressive" and "violent" "primitive urges." They are VIOLET. Cuz I'm red and you're blue. Violet. They are getting violent though, pressure is building, buildings and buildings, they climb their way into the atmosphere, they will explode.
And it will be like the lights suddenly went on in one hundred million buildings at midnight in New York City from an airplane soaring fifty thousand feet in the sky.
And it will be the big bang and millions of galaxies in spirals in seconds from the black abyss, from holes of grim nothing and mirrors of everything.
And it will be like the light suddenly went on.
And it will be like And God said Let there be Light.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Dr. Freud, your slip is showing.*
(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)
7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.
Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?
So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?
Could you be more specific?
Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.
He said nothing.
I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.
He was looking away.
I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.
He nodded.
If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.
I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.
Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--
You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--
The only reason I said it was a dumb--
But I wanted to know because--
Oh, sorry, go ahead--
No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.
No, go ahead.
I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--
Oh! Well, okay!
What?
So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?
I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...
Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-
Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.
Why-
And you never take ME at face value.
What do you mean?
I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...
That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.
I cracked a smile.
I took a deep breath and sat back down.
He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.
I mouthed, Yes.
And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...
I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.
And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.
He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.
I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.
And I don't wish that on you either.
.............................................................................????
Why would you? I said.
I don't know...
When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--
He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.
I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"
He called me back an hour later.
He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--
No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?
Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...
Dr. Freud your slip is showing.
7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.
Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?
So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?
Could you be more specific?
Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.
He said nothing.
I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.
He was looking away.
I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.
He nodded.
If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.
I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.
Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--
You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--
The only reason I said it was a dumb--
But I wanted to know because--
Oh, sorry, go ahead--
No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.
No, go ahead.
I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--
Oh! Well, okay!
What?
So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?
I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...
Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-
Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.
Why-
And you never take ME at face value.
What do you mean?
I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...
That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.
I cracked a smile.
I took a deep breath and sat back down.
He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.
I mouthed, Yes.
And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...
I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.
And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.
He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.
I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.
And I don't wish that on you either.
.............................................................................????
Why would you? I said.
I don't know...
When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--
He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.
I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"
He called me back an hour later.
He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--
No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?
Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...
Dr. Freud your slip is showing.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
TYSON'S MCNUGGETS
I say this because I didn't totally chicken out!!! YES, I sat there, silent and staring and stammering, literally-- I....... just...... have..... trouble..... because, I, I ha-ave trouble because----- for the last 20 minutes of my session. Julian was laughing at me, softly, cutely, I was laughing at me, I told him the cat had my tongue and I could do nothing but circumscribe the issue. He said things like, why don't you try observing the thoughts to see what comes up, and express them, like free association? I said no I'm very aware of the thoughts... He said So, self-censorship? Why? And then I went: Uhmmmmm.... Why....... Why. Beeeeee-cauuuuse..... And he went, well it might prevent you from fully being here, and I said, I've been self-censoring for a while and, I don't think it's inhibited too much! And he was like, what would help you feel more comfortable expressing... your thoughts? And I said, hiding behind a monitor? And he said what would help you here? What would help me there??? What would??? Should I know the answer to that? It was so obvious... He's so handsome... Looking at him, makes my body burn and freeze and pulse... I wrote him this whole long letter last night... I gave him my CD. I gave him my CD. OMFG I can't. OMFG I can't.
Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.
So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...
So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...
So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???
Emmy wants me to come over, and I said I would a couple nights ago. I will. I had a really long day... I called two relatives cuz I was in such a good mood after Julian... They drained me. Really... It's sad but, like I discussed with J today, it really doesn't usually make me feel good to talk to them, and I just look at it now, the best possible way, as wow ok I'm coping really well despite THIS. And I do now. But boy it really drained me. I was feeling SO good. I wrote a song I really like. Not sad. Sorta lusty. And then talked to my step, and f'in CRASH. Oh well. I will go over to Em's in a few. I called her.
So, yes, now Julian's got my CD and the beginnings of my confessional. Why do I feel so good? I just... I don't know. After sitting there silent Julian said: You seem quiet... I said, That's because I'm quiet. I said I couldn't speak because I didnt want to deal with the reaction. My reaction? He said. Yours, I said. How am I going to react? Programmatically. Do I... usually react programmatically? No, never. So I'm going to react... I've never heard that word used... Oh, it might not be a word I don't know-- No, it is. So. What would help you...
So it's on me, sigh!!! What would help, we made a bunch of jokes about sock puppets, Gestalt, the empty chair...
So, okay, help me out guys... What should I request here???
Thursday, January 21, 2010
No me importa que sera....
I just LOVE. I LOVE. I love Julian Darcy and it really doesn't matter what happens because he is beautiful, a beautiful spirit. And I love, purely, and wholly, really.
I'm giving my friend Joanna from the club piano lessons. Woot! :-) She's so beautiful and kind of enigmatic, I'm stoked. She's the only girl from the club I'd ever want to hang out with honestly, just her depth... Like Julian said today, emotional depth of field... I further regret my kangaroo keyboard-- of all things with which to be CHEAP. That, and oh my dancing shoes!!! I was discussing this with another girl last night... Being DIRT CHEAP with our dancing shoes and clothes when that's how we make our money, and I mean, for real, it's ridiculous, my shoes are PRETTY MUCH broken now, and they were cheap POS to begin with. Well, I'll splurge a whopping 50 bucks on a new pair and they'll feel great. Ahhh today was sloshy cold rain again and I wore flip flops cuz I really just loathe shoes, especially after last night, and I came into Julian's (after drying my feet in the bathroom though) and he was kind of stern-ish, the first few minutes, he is sometimes, I love that, that he's moody, not like mood-swingy obviously, but that he has different moods and he doesn't hide them. He's not fake. Some days he's just really cheerful and some days he's not, like a real person. There are so few people, especially people you work with on some level, that are just real and don't give the same face everyday... Anyway I apologized for my feet. He was like, why? I said cuz they're all wet in flip flops. He said, Oh, doesn't matter.
Monday, January 18, 2010
RE:
Ugh! He's probably handicapped! Now I feel bad... :
"Jeez.
I was smitten. I did like you. Still do, actually. Never meant to insult you or appear aggro. Not my way, I assure you.
Bret (the ass-hat)
PS Regarding my music? Kinda don’t know what you mean on that one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh well, Julian (Julian!!!) would be moving me right along on this one (O! Hearken the day! Erst I once showed mine own true J of Darcy Dan's text and he said, "Just leave it.") and I'm gonna make him proud. The guy isn't actually handicapped.
Oh, fack, update on the neighbor. Like $200 earrings and necklace from Betsey Johnson. WHAT. Not my taste at all (and bearing the receipt. With price. Class-y.) but goddamn.
"Jeez.
I was smitten. I did like you. Still do, actually. Never meant to insult you or appear aggro. Not my way, I assure you.
Bret (the ass-hat)
PS Regarding my music? Kinda don’t know what you mean on that one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh well, Julian (Julian!!!) would be moving me right along on this one (O! Hearken the day! Erst I once showed mine own true J of Darcy Dan's text and he said, "Just leave it.") and I'm gonna make him proud. The guy isn't actually handicapped.
Oh, fack, update on the neighbor. Like $200 earrings and necklace from Betsey Johnson. WHAT. Not my taste at all (and bearing the receipt. With price. Class-y.) but goddamn.
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