(*I borrowed this title from Gaby's genius blog. Sorry thanks Gaby!!!)
7 pm... He played with me, as soon as I walked in, "Okay, before we get into anything I want to deal with some mundane stuff.." and he starts talking about movies, why this one would be more a "Scarlet-movie" etc, watched my wall break down into laughter.
Then, he started acting totally formal. As if nothing ever fucking happened. I brought up his heartbreak story. I asked if it would've helped to talk to the person, no matter what. He said having the choice would've helped. That's your big personal story you're gonna relate with me on?
So I said, Thank you Julian, that was enlightening. So he said gave me a dirty look. So I got mad. I threw something again. I said you're driving me crazy. You're driving me crazy. Am I, deluded again, what??? Just reading into reading into reading into?
Could you be more specific?
Oh I dunno, THE PHONECALLS. Yeah. The phonecalls.
He said nothing.
I know, I asked you to call, just forget it. I stood up.
He was looking away.
I can't. I can't anymore. You're just hurting me now.
If I don't come back, I'll mail you the balance in installments.
I think we should have at least a final session to discuss it, if you decide not to come back, he said.
Right. I was facing the door with arms folded. I know you're not doing anything wrong--
You keep assuring me that you think I'm not doing anything wrong; you really don't need to say that anymore. And now that you've told me I ask stupid questions I filter--
The only reason I said it was a dumb--
But I wanted to know because--
Oh, sorry, go ahead--
No, you can tell me why it's DUMB.
No, go ahead.
I wanted to know because... I want you to know that I really do have your best interest-- hear me out til the end please. I really have your best interest in mind. And with transference and counter-transference, there is no formula, there is no easy answer, of how to deal with it, I'm trying to figure this out with you. I'm trying to figure this out right now. And I want to be here for you. And if you need to take a break, I'll be here when you come back--
Oh! Well, okay!
So you want me to take a break? Fuck off for a few months? Be good for both of us?
I did not SAY that, I don't RECOMMEND that. I was just saying if that's what you want...
Remember I said I wanted us to take each other at face value-
Well I haven't always been able to take you at face value. I said.
And you never take ME at face value.
What do you mean?
I mean as a psychologist. Your job, is to read into what I'm saying, to look for the inconsistencies, the meaning behind the meaning...
That's a good point! He kind of laughed, I need to think about that. Okay, I'm retracting that for now.
I cracked a smile.
I took a deep breath and sat back down.
He said, we have this connection, and we're attractive people, and we're dealing with some very primitive urges.
I mouthed, Yes.
And he told me his story. About his ex girlfriend 10 years ago who broke his heart. And it made me so mad. FOR him. I could relate. He was in grad school, doing counseling, her mother was his supervisor, and they broke up after a year and he knew she had these feelings for him but she ended up dating this really "Average Schlub" as he put it, "though I know he had family money. Though she wouldn't admit to that. Consciously." And he told me she just stopped talking to him completely because the guy was jealous, and he was working for her mom, who was asking him questions every day, insinuating things...
I could just see it. That he was still so hurt by it. I wanted to touch him. My eyes were tearing. Stupid girl!! I said.
And he used to give himself like a recovery time deadline, like a year gets a year, though this is now ten years back, but at a year, he wasn't over it, and he wished all these bad things on her, he pleaded with the universe.
He said, I feel that pain from you and... I'd understand if you felt that way about me.
I nodded. Yes. I do feel that pain. But I would NEVER. Wish that on you.
And I don't wish that on you either.
Why would you? I said.
I don't know...
When he said it was go-time I flew off the handle. Sobbing again. I said, this is just the worst, I'm sorry this is the worst experience of my life. I've never been hurt so bad. I thought all these good things were happening and it just--
He was nodding. Waiting by the door. I paused. He put his hand on the knob. I made a gesture like, "Aaaand after you." He smiled ironically. I walked out the door.
I couldn't see anything on the way to my car from the tears. I called him. "I know you're still in the office. I couldn't stand there any longer while you were waiting for me to leave. I just wanted to know. Do you think you had any reason to be mad at her? Do I have any reason to be mad at you?"
He called me back an hour later.
He was obviously pressed for time and when he said I think I had a reason to be mad at her, and with you, do I have any reason to be mad at you, I understand it but--
No, do I have any reason to be mad at YOU?
Yes, do you have any reason to be mad at me, I understand, but, no, not in that way...
Dr. Freud your slip is showing.