UM

Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.

Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....

Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.

I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.

Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.

Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.

There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?

Um... well...

I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.

I am!

Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?

Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?

::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.

::stifled smirk:: Really?

Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?

Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...

I see. Is that getting worse?

::nod:: Yes.

Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--

BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,

Can I see that book by the way?

Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--

I know. ::reading in the middle::

Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...

::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::

SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.

::nodding:: So...?

So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...

Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.

Ah- right... Yeah.

But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--

Ha!

Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---

::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::

So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?

Um...

I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...

Well...

Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--

Okay. Okay.

Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::

:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?

Yes?

Can you give me his number?

Sorry?

The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?

Oh, sure.....


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