Still here, still weird

Heh.

Yes, I've had to be veiled and secretive. But one possible lurker has just sworn on a stack of bibles they'd stop haunting the place. And I believe him. So, you know who you are, if you're reading this right now, shame on you, it ain't gonna do ya any good, and it's just precisely the very thing I've told you I find disrespectful and unappealing AND, there's a difference between deceit, and keeping secrets, and simply wanting mental privacy; allow me to have my thoughts. They'll only hurt you if you sniff around where you oughtn't.

Anyhoo.

Quite enough on that.

I am currently AT Table Top, and have resigned to the fact that I probably won't see Julian today... Just a feeling... I dunno... It being the holidays and all I wasn't even sure if he'd be in town, but I lurked the parking lot and indeed I see his car. Well, who knows.

About the Christmas card--- next post :-)

Merry Christmas everyone. Or did I already... I dunno... I don't have any plans :-( Sad, huh? I'll do something though. And Elena's coming here for 5 days for new years!!!! Wahoo!!!

Soldiering ever and on

I'm like.. I'm like.. I dunno..

I'm tired. Man I'm tired. Not a lot of sleep, hardly any, ran 3 miles to the gym then took my yoga class and then swam. I met all these people at the gym and I ran into Mia, another dancer at the club, and she's one of the few cool ones and we actually exchanged numbers. She's pretty and smart too.

And then... I went to Table Top, cuz they have wi-fi now, as in Table Top next door to Cooperland, Home of J's Office, where he gets his coffee.

I sat there for 2 and a half hours. But I got all my linguistics homework done. Actually I got way ahead. Linguistics actually gets me going. It really does, and I dunno, in class today after like an hour I felt like people were getting irritated when I'd make arguments or observations the prof couldn't even really argue with, so I just shut up and looked down and wrote a letter to J in my notebook.

Obviously he didn't show up at Table Top. So I went by the Cooperland parking lot and looked in his car. To see what was in it. Unwashed. Yoga-mat. No more Paris pamphlet.

Meh.

don't know if people read comments post commenting--

but i said:

so NOBODY thinks that waiting a few months, and the fact he's probably estranged from his wife (theory strengthened by no ring, telling girl he was single, AND a friends cyberstalking that shows wife changed last name from his to hers 5 years ago and he moved into a new house...), and affirmed my feelings, might lead to dating?

Nobody even considers this possible, and possibly good?

I know you all have the best wishes for me- I really do- and appreciate it... that's just kind of a bummer... but it's understandable. and i'll quit whining about it.

xo
s-o

Cyberstalking

I need to tighten the reins yet again, on my cyberprivacy.

This loser ex of mine, the one who i stuck with for 9 months but is, as J would say, an "ineffectual basement dweller"... just found this blog by way of some seriously psychotic searching, read nothing but anything he thought might be about him, and then decided-- entirely unaware of what's real and what's fiction (AND WHO CARES MAN, it's over) that I cheated on him, and texted me at 1 in the morning to call me a bunch of names. We haven't spoken really in almost a year.

So, Ineffectual Basement Dweller, if you're gonna read my blog at least become a follower and show some respect.

Hahaha.

It's things like this that actually sort of reaffirm my confidence in my abilities, my potential, my future.

Thanks, IBD

Passive Aggressive Response

BLOGGING: The Top 5 Worst.

5. Ironic comment-leavery: You don't gotta do that. Really. Is it strange not to want unpleasant criticisms of my lifechoices, my thinking, or my writing, on my own page? Call me a weirdo.

4. 3D-->0D Stalkery: If I made the mistake of sharing this link with you ages ago when I realized neither how personal it would be, nor how preposterous YOU would be, please don't.

3. Cyberoblivion: My own lack of awareness when writing that this particular here Diary is for the world's eyes only.

2. Cyberignorance: My inability to know who is going to read this, search this, memorize bits of this to bring up in conversation.

1. Ultimate High Self Absorbency Towelettes: Hey! Don't skim this looking for something about yourself! You're not in here! It's boring! You'll be bored out of your mind! My life is boring to you- and YOU. Are BORING. To ME. That's right. I'll prattle away all day about my fantasies sooner than write about those few dull hours I wasted listening to you bullshit about your accomplishments. So move it along, please.

Extra Credit: Why Am I Doing This Again, Anyway??? I really don't know. I am an exhibitionist. I guess. I like that lovely people and writers from out here are interested... I like that. Knowing that it's engaging enough to read sometimes. Makes me write more. But again- PLEASE- if you're a real-life person and any of the above objections ring a bell- just QUIT IT, will ya?? Or don't. Keep on keeping on...

...But know that I know you're doing it, and I think you're an ass, and if that's your passive-aggressive way to get on my nerves, this is my passive-aggressive response for you to F off. Cool? Cool.

Play.

Heavy-lidded, thirsty, headthrobbed and humble, I blog.

I ran six miles today, mostly in the rain, it felt so good, it feels so good, just running, just running, why does it feel so good, all those things that aren't supposed to feel good, or that are, but are chores to other people, work, and it's all I ever want to do... Run, play piano and sing, write, clean... I didn't used to be like this.

I used to love to play.

I still do. I love to go out dancing. I love to travel and swim and go out and make out and *$(&.

Trust me. I LOVE it. There's just... I just don't know.

So, I figured it out. (If I'm repeating myself I'll figure that out too and edit.) Julian is divorced, with a child, in elementary school. Maybe just separated, but I'm pretty sure divorced, and they don't live together. I figured it out last night after more obsessive, exhaustive sleuthing-- which is NOT, by the way, what kept me up, but just something I fell into after tossing and turning for four hours.

This makes Scarlet very happy. :-) I mean, not, because that really sucks, divorce really sucks, specially with a kid, and now looking back I realize how many times I mentioned I never wanted to get divorced because like everyone in my family has been... But, the thought that he was married, or married with children, really kind of upset me. I would never, ever mess with someone who's married. It's been tempting, I mean not that I was tempted but just I've had attractions/connections with married men but no, no way.

Ugh. Dan is calling. I'm writing. I never answer the phone... It's in excusable. But, ugh, I'm busy.

I talked to Elena for hours today and yesterday. Elena is my heart, my pulse, without her I lose myself. Sometimes beautifully, but, I lose myself.