don't know if people read comments post commenting--

but i said:

so NOBODY thinks that waiting a few months, and the fact he's probably estranged from his wife (theory strengthened by no ring, telling girl he was single, AND a friends cyberstalking that shows wife changed last name from his to hers 5 years ago and he moved into a new house...), and affirmed my feelings, might lead to dating?

Nobody even considers this possible, and possibly good?

I know you all have the best wishes for me- I really do- and appreciate it... that's just kind of a bummer... but it's understandable. and i'll quit whining about it.

xo
s-o

Cam

I spent Thursday night with Cam...

He's so gorgeous, just a drop-deader, he's a model and he was on this tv show... When I go out with him everybody looks at us, and he's really sweet to me, he always has been, and he's funny too... I feel like he tries a little hard sometimes, and sometimes he doesn't know how to act and like, treat women, like when Elena was here, and I wanted her to meet him, cuz we were sort of kind of briefly dating, and he invited us to watch UFC at this sports bar with his friends... and she was totally like "Ugh, what kind of MAN was that, he didn't even buy me a DRINK, he sat over THERE, what WAS that?" and, I agree with her, but it's not THAT big of a deal, he's only 25... I NEVER date someone who's not even a couple years older than me, NEVER, but, I probably SHOULD. All the men I'm attracted to, that are way older than me, and I feel like, it's partly a maturity thing, but it's also just a physical thing, like, an AESTHETIC thing, like, it's also just FASHION-- are MARRIED. Cuz if they're not, by that age, they're usually a little weird... I mean there are tons of exceptions, but, often, that is often the case.

Cam's kind of in my scene, in my industry, and he's smart, he has a soul, just a weird way of expressing it sometimes, I mean it's just old asshole guy habits, but he's never an asshole to me.
He still calls me too, it's been more than a year and we've stayed friends, even though I've like flaked off and so has he... But he called me Thursday just out of the blue.

We had coffee, and talked about stuff, and I told him how no one ever sees my apartment, and he said Well you never invite me up, and I said Come up! And he said Ok I'm going to go write for a little bit... and I had to meet the director of this movie I'm doing... basically playing myself, haha... and then I called him and he brought over this crazy hot movie, and we watched it together on my little twin bed. I went to Bed Bath and Beyond before he came over too to get new sheets cuz mine were just old and gross... And then we went for a drink, and he was really hilarious talking about people at the bar... and we did the drunken thing where you meet some random woman and her gay friend from Spain and like exchange numbers and never talk to them... and then we got some gross little tacos from 7-11 and he walked me home...

Weight.

I can tell it's
Winter, by the size of
The lump in my throat,
Gotta lump in my throat.

I'm frustrated today, I'm a rusted wheel.

I just, did everything, from the moment I got up I've been going, and save for the orgasmic endorphin rush I got after running 5 mi and my Power Yoga routine, it's all been really kind of frustrating. I just did errands and bought stuff and washed the house and gave Madeline a bath and played with Madeline and put my own ass in the shower and then caught up on e-mails and some phone calls and even gave Facebook a 5 minute nod and everything takes so LONG and I've just been on the verge of tears.

I did well last night at work... Couple regulars, one of whom I went out with a couple times, and liked, but like, not ENOUGH, but quite a bit. And sorta blew off. But I like him. I don't know and another guy I've gone out with, music industry guy, wanted to go out tonight and I said rain-check partly because quite honestly it is raining and I've had such a damn long day just catching up with myself, or trying, and though, partly it was because I'm seeing Julian early tomorrow and I, I always do this, if a guy wants to take me out, and I'm seeing J soon, I make it for after... Like because something might happen? And because it's so primarily on my mind?

And I've been thinking about him all day, of course, replaying past conversations, imagining new ones, and I'm just thinking, just thinking, he's helped me a lot with things, but now, it's like I don't have real psychological issues (well, ok, shut up) I more just need a friend to talk to, like ELENA, who went off to a fancy school and is never around, but is right, is right, Elena is ALWAYS right, and she told me I wouldn't rest til I had him (or knew for sure I couldn't) and that I'm just dicking around wasting my time and is she right?? Because without J maybe I'd go out more, maybe I'd like some of these guys, maybe I'd start building something somewhere somehow, maybe it's really just UNHEALTHY. An obsession.

But I love Julian. And now... it's just changed between us... and I don't know what will happen, and right now I'm confused and LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY LONELY-

And the minute I sat down just now I had to go move my clothes into the dryer and it made me cry.

Ten Cents a Dance

Ten cents a dance
That's what they pay me
Gee, how they weigh me
Down...

I bet after adjusting for inflation since 1930, Ella and I get paid about the same for our services... and it might as well be monopoly money in either case, hell, she is complaining about it. Hear, hear, sister. Actually it is monopoly money. A lot of the men buy, with their real money-- or, usually, with their company card-- wads of fake cash with the club's name printed on it, which they use to tip us, which we exchange at the end of the night for real cash with a 20% cut. I guess the point is that they can use their company cards, and get drunk, and start feeling like it is just monopoly money (it is), and spend freely since they can't very well hang onto it and give it to the wife to get groceries the following day. I know it's good for the club, and maybe for us too, even with the exchange rate. But it's peanut money anyway. And there are still those who come in and say they can't afford a dance, and watch, and don't tip, and chat away like it's Match.com. Come on dude, at least fork over the thimble.

But I made out pretty well last night, like I usually do when I stumble in late, dragging ass, forgetting my makeup bag, all sorts of overit, and finish my first gin and ginger before I even get up on stage.

I used to be a real dancer, classically trained real-life ballerina, and it translates, though chaine turns and grand plies would be ridiculous in fishnets, to Danzig, and sliding upside-down down a pole was a move I had to learn onstage, on air, without a teacher. It was easy though... I like to think the dance training helped. So it's actually fun for me. This gig. And, more importantly, it's the easiest job in the world. Lax schedule, short hours, low expectations, no micromanaging bosses; we're independent contractors in a kind of co-op situation where we actually pay for the luxury of working there, with that 20% cut and a significant house-fee to boot. Perfect job for free-thinkers and lazy people.

And, though I would never say it, I feel that Dr. Julian Darcy and I have quite a bit in common, professionally. I pay him an exorbitant fee for 45 minutes of his company, he listens to me, he acts like he cares, and then when my time is up he holds open the back door for me as I leave, closes it behind me, takes a breather at his desk, maybe calls the girlfriend, and sets up for the next pretty hysteric. ...They pay me a comparably exorbitant sum (after doing the arithmetic, it can be even twice or three times more per minute, but that doesn't include the unpaid time sitting, chatting, lubing up for expenditure-- just trust me, it's peanut-money) for my company, I listen to them, I act like I care, like I'm fascinated, titillated, dance around on them with my contrived-genuine lust, never take my eyes off them (while a rectangular bouncer does the same), lead them out of the back room, and head over to the dressing room to smoke, text, whine, or sometimes even read, and stroll back out onto the floor to troll for the next victim.

I would never say it, because it would be a damn insulting thing to say, and because I know Julian is light-years beyond me, and does real things, and is actually helping me and would help me more if I had a real malady other than a serious crush or real true love for him. And he does lots of other things and is very respected in his field, and it's just beyond comparison and I'm not even comparing. The previous paragraph was, well, one long comparison, but... well, only in my twisted little universe. Point is, really, just that sometimes I'm doing multiplication tables in my head when talking and laughing with these monkey-men, but sometimes I meet men there I really do like quite a bit. I've even dated a couple. There was one I met that I totally fell for and ended up seeing for a while, turned out to be a lying, philandering asshole, of course, but to his own credit he warned me he would. I told Julian about him the day after we met, joking warmly that he was the first person who'd ever complimented my clunker when he drove us from the club to a diner down the street and J briefly dropped the poker-face to look at me like I just came crashing down onto his couch through the roof in a Soviet spacesuit, cradling the corpse of Laika in my arms.

"Do you even know anything about this guy?"

Errrrp... I did not, no. I do now, again, thanks to my knack for espionage. But, no.

"Well, maybe a guy you meet at the dance club is not the best candidate for a positive relationship."

He always says "dance club," never "strip club," and only once said "dumb stripper bitches" ironically, after I said it, also ironically, to qualify a certain type of girl. He never swears, either. I don't swear much myself, but I find that I do it more when I talk to him. I guess he gets me going. Speaking emphatically.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. I'm not as nervous as I've been before the last several sessions, because last time was normal, while the times before were... not exactly. I won't explain now but something had intensified and reached boiling temperature I guess, and now it's subsided, which, is sorta cool, and sorta sucks.

Anyway. Check in later maybe, with my audience of none. Off to make my red hair redder.



Love and late-night diversions,

Scarlet O.