UM

Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.

Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....

Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.

I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.

Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.

Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.

There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?

Um... well...

I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.

I am!

Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?

Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?

::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.

::stifled smirk:: Really?

Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?

Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...

I see. Is that getting worse?

::nod:: Yes.

Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--

BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,

Can I see that book by the way?

Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--

I know. ::reading in the middle::

Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...

::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::

SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.

::nodding:: So...?

So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...

Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.

Ah- right... Yeah.

But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--

Ha!

Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---

::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::

So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?

Um...

I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...

Well...

Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--

Okay. Okay.

Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::

:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?

Yes?

Can you give me his number?

Sorry?

The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?

Oh, sure.....


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:57 PM, Scarlet O'Dwyer scarletonthecouch@gmail.com wrote:

por favor. if you can. im going to lie here face down til you do. but you wont will you. sadist. god i love you. well there goes my week. <3>

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:51 PM, Julian Darcy Ph.D. julian@jdarcypsych.com wrote:

Scarlet,

I don't have any openings so I could do 1-2 minutes between sessions if its urgent. Let me know.

Thx,

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology, English and Spanish

www.jdarcypsych.com

Julian@jdarcypsych.com

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---

Date: Tue, 11 May 2010 13:23:04 -0700
Subject:
From: scarletonthecouch@gmail.co
To: julian@jdarcypsych.com

Can you please call me please? My head is going to explode. Say you can't if you can't. And I'll try to detonate the bomb. But if you can please... THANK-YOU J

---

Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox.

I have nothing to tell my Grandma.

He tried to get me to say stuff about my mood swinging and coloring my perspective and I actually kind of laughed at him because it was so forced and desperate, he was like, "Well. You have this mood... that swings... back and forth." And I was like, HA. And he was like "I'm trying to be a serious psychologist for a minute here." So, that made me laugh. And then, he continued, more astute, about looking at the external situation and I kept on saying No. I know. But. It's not like that. And he said, Oh, well, why not, you tell me?

So I (completely pretending I had NOT JUST WRITTEN HIM about why I'm miserable right now... as he was, because, for all I know, maybe he hasn't even read it, right?) said:

"Okay. It's like... I have nothing to tell my Grandma right now. On the phone... Well I can make stuff up..."

"Oh..." he said, "Well.. what would you like to tell your Grandma?"

"Well, she just wants to hear--" I said, "That I have a nice boyfriend, and I'm at a job I like." I started tearing up. "So, I don't have anything to tell her." I put my face in my hands. And just sat there like that sobbing still and silent into my hands for a while.

The final flirt.

I'm actually getting upset again thinking about tomorrow, and how I'll feel after tomorrow... Not because I'll feel worse about anything, but just because I won't feel better enough, and I'll have four days to deal with... And I feel kind of horrible, and not-okay morally even-- throwing myself at him like that and telling him I wanted to "tremble and scream in [his] Jag"... Which, omg, IS his car... Tuesday, before he told me he was not interested, that he would never, that I was dreaming, he had to admit I was right about the uncanny things I end up being right about, that I don't even give a second thought.... (and that are NEVER of any consequence either.)...

"God... I'm.. Sorry about that letter... That's totally not even your--"

"It's my car."

"Oh!" I laughed. "Obviously... It's so obvious."

"Right. ...I hate having a spot in front of the building; everyone in this neighborhood needs like, a Prius..."

"Its a hot car; I've been admiring it for ages, I knew it was yours..."

He shifted in his seat.

"So was I right about the birthday too?" I asked, half-joking.

"Oh, well, what did you give yourself there, a 5-month, 4-month range?"

"Well yeah, I said I'd wanna tack on August, but I really only-"

"-ANYWAY!" he said, actually cutting me OFF to change the subject. Wow. Obviously I nailed it.

June or July...

But what does it matter. My beautiful Julian. No more flirting. I was so wrong about so much for so long. And I still.

Love.

Him.

And Julian.

And I walked into his office.

And again I got happy, weak in the knees, excited. He was so sweet... He was, he was in admiration... I don't know why I thought that because he made the appointment everything had changed... we talked about the article and my classes... And he told me a lot of personal-ish things... Career personal... and theories... and I was rapt and then I fell silent... and I switched seats... so we sat closer... and my body ached for him... and he said, "You look so pensive..." And he said "You need to be able to speak freely..." And he said,

"Okay, I wasn't going to bail you out, but you asked if I was being sarcastic... and no, I wasn't... I just realized as soon as I said that, that it was a gimmick, and cliche, and I didn't want to say it, it just seemed like the thing to say, it was... I think it was coming from a good place... but it was... well not necessarily clumsy, maybe clumsy, well it was a bad endeavor, so, I apologize for that, I'm glad you called me on it... And there were many other things I said on Tuesday that were... forced... I won't say those things anymore..."

"I'd rather you didn't, because they don't work, and I recognize the gimmick, and-"

"I know, I'm sorry... You're staring..."

"Sorry..." I said, and my body was burning so hard.... "I'm just, I'm physically distracted... I don't even have thoughts. I'm just... looking... I'm eating ice cream..." I said.

"Okay," he paused. "But there's always a direction of thought... I don't want to make you talk about anything, but what happens is now, you come in, and then you just stop, the dialogue stops, so... You're saying it's pointless to say those things you write... But don't you think it might be more beneficial than saying nothing at all?"

I laughed.

"You're very articulate when you write and... And I don't mind the e-mails, I'm glad you're telling me how you feel, but it's like you always say it after you leave... I just think instead of carrying on these two separate conversations, it might be valuable to say some of those things in here, where I can respond to them, right?"

"Right... Bail me out Julian..."

"Well the clock might bail you out soon--"

"I don't want the clock to bail me out."

"Oh, well... Why don't you think of a question you'd want to address, just so that you're not constraining yourself--"

"I have to constrain myself." I blurted out dead serious staring at the floor.

He laughed.

"Are you just like, oh god, this girl on my couch that'll never leave, stammering here about-"

He looked at me and shook his head and mouth 'no.'

"What you said on Tuesday about maybe it's good that I'm attracted to you since it shows I'm no longer looking for-"

"Ineffectual basement dwellers..."

"Hah, yes. Well... it was just..."

"It was clumsy and forced, it was one of those cliches, and I'm sorry I said it."

"Yes."

"I concede that. Was that what you wanted to say?"

"Yeah, it pissed me off..."

"Good."

And then the clock bailed me out, and I said, Okay, and he said, okay, and I took a breath on the couch, and I got up and stood really close to him for a second, closer than I ever have and then mouthed 'Bye.'

Hmmph.

I can't fight gravity today... I'm debating on whether to go to my make-up ballet class or not... I'm just so tired, and it would be the advanced class... and it's been five years... I don't remember that stuff... It would just be makeup the class...

I did nothing but dream about Julian yesterday.. well I cleaned a little and did homework, and went to my Psych class, which was funny this time, and played piano... but I thought about him a lot. I wonder if I've been misreading him all along... if all he meant by what he said was that he knows it's been hard for me, but that that makes me who I am now? "In some ways I wish you hadn't... But then we wouldn't be here today, so..." It could mean anything. Along with everything else he said, and how he was acting, and how he's been with me, all along, it seems pretty clear what he was referring to. And when I'm with him, ah, the connection (and sexual tension. Ohlord.) is so strong I have no doubts about it and I leave his office feeling so alive... But now, I just wonder if I'm projecting my own feelings on him, seeing what I want to see, people have certainly done that with me.

He told me yesterday, With regards to the e-mails... if there's something you want to ask me, or to bring up, you have to bring it up in here... I understand that... and now it also DAWNED on me that he CAN'T respond in e-mails. For a million reasons, one of which is so obvious, for professional reasons, he can't reveal anything any kind of reaction or opinion or anything but purely impersonal psych-speak which is so unlike him in person.

I just have so much to say to him. And it doesn't come out. I need to just buck up. I don't know what this shy business is... I'm a stripper for godssake. And I've never felt so exposed in my life, as I do sitting across from him in that office.

Love and Leaves and Lorries rollin' by...

Scarlet-O