Decisive.

Okay no. Not today. No way. Toward the end of the month. Then it'll be TWO months about since I last saw him. And for these next 2 weeks- no writing, no letters, no contact, no nothing. He wants to be pushed but he needs to know that yeah, I'm not gonna bug him too much, considering the precarious nature of the situation and all, that I can control myself and am not gonna be a yeah, crazy stalker girl, which he kinda loves but, from his perspective, could also be kinda risky. So. No more e-mails. Gotta make him afraid to lose me. And miss me. Gonna drop by on Tuesday the 29th after doing my work at Table Top for a few hours in the morning, in case I run into him.

LET IT BE WRITTEN LET IT BE DONE
WITH GOOD TO ALL AND HARM TO NONE

Okay woot.

AND- I am going to work tonight. Cuz I need money for certain things. Yes.

I haven't said anything...

About Julian.

I've gotten it in my head that he isn't interested in me. Or rather. Is interested, and is interested in flirting, and seeing me. But nothing beyond that. I really have.

These last few weeks, when everything's been so hard, and I've felt so lonely, he's just been like, my best friend, and my source of strength, and sanity, and perspective, and self-esteem... I mean he's been helpful like a therapist should be, and I mean not just with psychological stuff, but like, he's helped me figure out how to do things, take care of things, plan them, the car stuff and the errands and financial issues... He's a sweetie. And I love him.

I gave him a check like, two weeks ago... for the co-pays cuz he said that month was all covered... He hasn't cashed it. I haven't said anything about it and neither has he, but, he hasn't... and I wanted to stop going, and cancel, this month, when I was freaking out about money and he said we can do a payment plan and don't worry about it.

On Friday after the session he went to Table Top to get coffee and I ran into him outside.

He saw me walking toward my car but I didn't see him but by the time I did I was half in it and could only yell Julian!! Hey!! And he kind of stopped but I was like in my car and all I could say was, Look see this is my car.... Pretty bad right? And he laughed but was like walking so I just fully got in the car...

And yesterday he lent me his sunglasses. And Eckhart Tolle CD. Though I asked for that... but with the sunglasses, I'd been crying--- I was REALLY upset yesterday--- and was wiping up my mascara and said, Oh, this is fine, til the bathroom right? And he nodded, but then he got up and said, here, need sunglasses? And laughed... So I have them... Until Friday...

That's what's been going on with Julian.

I don't expect anything to happen. I really love him a lot. That's it.

ESPeezy

I gave Julian the CD, two of the songs on it were like his theme song at some point in life that he would listen to over and over in the car. :-0

UM

Today I shifted forward in my seat slightly to sit up a little straighter because I felt I was slouching and you INSTANTLY retreated and moved your entire chair back, and I even INSTANTLIER heaved myself over to the VEEEERY end of the couch away from you and just shook my head and scoffed, midway through my sentence, and i didn't even look up at you as I did it, or after I did it, or move back, I just went right on talking and not looking at you, as we played Chicken, and it was like playing with a sign that said "Don't Play Chicken With Cars. The Cars Will Win." And it was, okay, how far are we gonna take this okay, Dare! Dare! Dare! DARE. DARE.

Didn't address the flirting. Sweatbroken, breathy, and thigh-high leg-crossed LordsNameinVaining, or closer-and-closer-inching coy pressing....

Facebook stalking. Acknowledgment of such. Phone calls. Threat of leaving, unprecedented date-canceling. Hang-up. Apology+apology+apology+plea for original appointment slot back. And denial of said slot. And, not only denial, but "maybe"-response and "I'll confirm by [hour before appointment], probably by e-mail, if not, just assume I can't" carrot-dangling, phone-wait-inducing, INEVITABLY disappointing despite, never ever ever ever having done any of this before. STILL. I'm PUSHING him. And he's PUSHING me. Dare. Dare. Double-dare. DARE.

I tell him, after endlessly making light, showing up in radiant good health, 30" legshown, wise-cracking about meta-craziness and PoMo porno, in spite of my claim to souldestruction, that, I am really really souldestroyed now. No, now, REALLY. No, now, NOW, now I'm really concerned that this is latent schizophrenia, now. Dare. I dare you to risk my health like this.

Dare. Well... if you're really concerned about this, there are medications you could take.

Um... yes, yes, maybe I should.

There are... I could REFER you to people. Would you like me to?

Um... well...

I mean if you REALLY think you're having delusions.

I am!

Okay... Well... Are you having delusions about anything besides me?

Um... Well I wouldn't know would I?

::smirk:: I mean if you are, I haven't heard anything about them.

::stifled smirk:: Really?

Really. But if you're concerned. What are they about exactly, I'm just, not really following?

Well... I mean... Visions and lifeshapes and blue chemicals...

I see. Is that getting worse?

::nod:: Yes.

Okay, well. So... I mean yes there are medications that help with that sort of thing and--

BUT- I mean part of me thinks I'm actually, the way I'm seeing things is becoming more like this because I'm actually becoming more CLEAR. More attuned. Because, because occasionally my perceptions and logics are validated by... For example, W-----------,

Can I see that book by the way?

Here--- ::gives it:: For example, I read this and it was so obvious to me what the shape was about. And everyone was like, Oh that ending was such a copout! And I was just like, no, I mean, that was the entire POINT, and-- that's not the one I wanted to give you-- that's the one I'm talking about now--

I know. ::reading in the middle::

Anyway, in this one I wanted to give you he just clear-as-day talks about planning it and actually talks about SHAPE and he even uses that word and that was PRECISELY the point... So...

::as though not listening. Beat. Gives back book.::

SO, these CRAZY ideas of mine are occasionally VALIDATED by people who are considered BRILLIANT.

::nodding:: So...?

So you know. I don't think it's necessarily...

Oh, well, in that case... :::brief eye contact, probably third time in the hour::: It's just, well, it just sounds a little different now, to me, I mean before it sounded like you were saying something else, about being concerned, which was the first I'd heard anything about it, but now I guess I just completely misheard you? Because now it sounds different. Again.

Ah- right... Yeah.

But I mean I could still refer you to someone? Might as well? I know a few psychiatrists here and they all-- well they all need WORK, frankly--

Ha!

Yeah, yeah, they all need WORK. But, this one's pretty good, he's---

::::::tone break, as J describes his shrink friend and why they like each other, emphasis on individual strengths... expounds on history of certain Central Asian country genocide and residual resultant cultural side effects... S laughs, waxes pharmaceutical, ties to Psych class, tonight's exam at bowling alley. J gets a helluva kick out of this. Apologizes for laughing. ("I'm sorry it's just... It's just surreal, actually, it's really Napoleon Dynamite, I mean the test at the bowling alley? Naturally! Sorry for making light of it... What? Is there a malevolent subtext I'm missing?") ::::::::::::::

So, next week, do you want to just say Friday?

Um...

I mean, I still have you in the calendar for Tuesday, but...

Well...

Well why don't you think about it and let me know by tomorrow morning? I need to know by tomorrow morning because by Monday morning I have to know--

Okay. Okay.

Okay. :::stands, slowly moseys to door:::

:::stands, and, not to be completely outwitted this match::: Oh Julian?

Yes?

Can you give me his number?

Sorry?

The psychiatrist, your friend, that you're referring me to?

Oh, sure.....


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warning: Freeway ends in 15 miles.

Don't worry. Game over. If you can't end it, I can end it. The screen really is broken. I'm fucked up, my heart is broken, it really is your fault, it's not your fault, who cares. Who cares. I don't need you, I don't need anyone, I don't have anyone, I have my books and something to type on and pills to take and a plot to fill somewhere in Pennsyltucky.

I was a nice diversion for you-- you helped me, I'm not saying you didn't, I don't want to be hurtful, though I'm your patient and I can't possibly hurt you because I'm just this little rusted wind-up toy that you can fix or fail to fix, or very easily break if you're careless.

You have all the things you want or need to make a full, perfect life, and sometimes that gets boring doesn't it, and isn't it kinda cool to have the weird girl like you and doesn't it kinda remind you how special you are? And you've taken all the necessary precautions to excuse yourself from any liability. You've said very clearly that you don't want her. Kind of anyway. You're not liable. So you can, enjoy each others company, enjoy her adoration, and the stubborn wishes hiding behind recollections of the preceding days.

Now you're saying you have no feeling, except intellectual connection, and it's a blatant contradiction, but you've been very careful with your words, so you ask me to give you specifics, and I'm at a loss.

And today you brought up my expectation, that if there's an attraction, even if it's mutual-- "which it- which... which I don't think is the case here," it must be acted upon, said it's something that we should look at, thus implying that said expectation is, stems from something unhealthy, could be damaging, is unrealistic. And I understand that you are married, and have a family, and have probably felt attracted and connected with other people (though I know, not in this case) before and it has been mutual and though you would never act on it you could both appreciate it for what it was, and see the value and the beauty in just that. You have about twelve personalities after all, I'm sure some of them relate to different people.

But, I am not. And for me, to be, as you say, infatuated, with someone for, what is it now, October November December January February March April and, get in line, May, the better part of a year, is different than a little diversion is for you. And I am not calling our relationship a little diversion, and I know it's not just that to you, and I know that you genuinely care, but on some level, that's what it is. Right?

Though I can appreciate it as that. I can see the value and the beauty in it. I can. It's just that right now, it ISN'T that. To me. Right now. And you know it.

And then you compare my feelings for you, to your feelings for this woman, that you were going to MARRY, that left you for the wrong reasons... Right? It's just a strange comparison to make, in light of the situation. It's just not the comparison, not the comparison that would paint my position into the corner it's in. It's not the comparison about being infatuated, not in love, but infatuated, with someone who never had any interest in you, with whom you ultimately fostered a healthy, platonic, mutually beneficial and beautiful non-physical relationship. THAT would be the appropriate comparison. Wouldn't it. Not the love of your life. That you never spoke to again. Which makes me think that maybe you just wanted to talk about it with someone who would understand. And I'm honored to be that person to you. And maybe I'm just reading way too much into it, but you're casting yourself as the person who left for the wrong reasons. Telling someone about a broken heart is one very good way to secure your place in theirs.

So it makes me think, you want to be here, you want to be here for me, you want to help me, you know I have to get over you, you don't really know how to facilitate that beyond what you've said already, so though you're aware on some level that you're just drawing me in, you can't stop it, and you are just waiting for me to reach my breaking point and leave, and maybe come back, and maybe not, and I'm drawing you in too, but you like it, and you're sick of it, but you like seeing me, and you're just not really doing anything and you are busy and busier and the more stressed you are the more your mind wanders to a ranch in Arizona or a spaceship cruising through the stratosphere, or being a priest like you thought about when you were a little kid. Or all the fantasies and follies you could have fostered (by the way I'm sure your writing would have been really good, if you tried it, somewhere other than your psychology papers) and all the doors you've had to shut as you merged into different lanes, down different highways, speeding here, gridlocked there, too pressed for time and concerned over the squabbling in the backseat to pause and listen to the radio and look out the window and see that the clouds are casting giant glorious shadows over the yellow yellow grass stretched before you heading North, into the mountains, that road stretches endlessly you know, it stretches up latitudes into farms, slopes, Bay area freaks, the Yakima valley, Washington wineries, places where it always rains, places where there's always sun, 22 hours a day in the summer, places made of snow, places so beautiful they'll make you cry before you die freezing, jawdropped forever, marveling at the world God made for us to live in. You can't just take off and head up there now can you.

I can though. And I will. And I'll be on that road alone one of these days, radio on, no one squabbling in the backseat. I'll tell you how it is.

I'll write you all about it.

Love

S

Tomorrow at 5.

So in response to my e-mails he moved my appointment from Friday at 2 to tomorrow at 6.

And had the secretary call me.

I like it. I like his style. We would've been awkward over the phone. He knows what he's doing. Hehe.

The Tipping Point

Okay folks. Here it is. We're at the peak. We're coming to climax. Aboard the Scarlet-on-the-Couch Ride here at Magic Motors Theme Spark. It's been a bumpy ride. And it's not over. No, ladies and gentleman, it ain't over til' it's over, and even then it ain't ever over. It's a path not a point. But we have come to a point. Where it's time to get a little serious now.

Time to get a little serious.

TO: Julian
FROM: Scarlet

its so hard to tell you things when.. ive spent so much time trying to convince myself of these other things do you know what i mean?? because of things you've said and because of... just, not wanting to be rejected... but, its crazy. hah. THATS whats crazy. trying to tell myself im crazy. is crazy. i need to talk to you like asap. ok. im done being vague and scared and i DONT know whats going on but im done not-asking you, and im done not-saying what i think, and what i feel, and what i want, in person instead of just in these emails... its just like you know i have no other way to reach you... so yeah call me when you can... ok... thank you julian....

night. unless you're still up. and talk to you tomorrow? ok ok.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, no more bullshit Scar, really. Buck up. It's time to get it going.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowlzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:57 PM, Scarlet O'Dwyer scarletonthecouch@gmail.com wrote:

por favor. if you can. im going to lie here face down til you do. but you wont will you. sadist. god i love you. well there goes my week. <3>

On Tue, May 11, 2010 at 1:51 PM, Julian Darcy Ph.D. julian@jdarcypsych.com wrote:

Scarlet,

I don't have any openings so I could do 1-2 minutes between sessions if its urgent. Let me know.

Thx,

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology, English and Spanish

www.jdarcypsych.com

Julian@jdarcypsych.com

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---

Date: Tue, 11 May 2010 13:23:04 -0700
Subject:
From: scarletonthecouch@gmail.co
To: julian@jdarcypsych.com

Can you please call me please? My head is going to explode. Say you can't if you can't. And I'll try to detonate the bomb. But if you can please... THANK-YOU J

---

Hotmail has tools for the New Busy. Search, chat and e-mail from your inbox.

CrazyTelepathRoomSex

Oh, my dearest God. I just had crazy-telepath room-sex. With Julian. As he stared me down for an hour slightly smirking shifting his legs around close to me then back and biting his lip and I stared him back down and then he kept staring definitely winning the crazytelepathroomsex award and doing it veeeeeeeeery deliberately and asking me Aren't you going to verbalize what you're thinking and I said No and then I said I'm tense and then I said And you're making me tenser and he said How am I doing that and I said the way you're looking at me as he was looking me up and down and straight and enjoying the hell out of it as I squeezed my legs together and then his pillow and trembled and flushed and blushed into a sweat and said Ohgod and he said What and he would slowly ask me some question and watch as I blanked and sighed and whenever I talked about anything he deliberately looked bored and I just wrote him to please call me please and if he does what do I say. What do I say. What do I say. Hey Julian whaaaaaaaaatareyoudoing. What are you doing. If there's gonna be crazytelepathroomsex can you at least call me a cab after cuz I can't fuckin' drive right now thanks-much.

WHAT the F?????

Re:

Wheeeee. Hi beautiful. I almost made it. Without writing you since Friday... Just 10 hours to go.

But there are ghosts in here. Madeline sees them and I feel them. So I have to talk to you. Till they go away. I like seeing your name up there... In my Recipient line. To: To you. It's like a name from Jane Austen. I've told you before? It's unreal and unbelievable like you. Unreal and unbelievable. Somebody's sooooooooooo damn lucky.

I'm a bit intoxicated. I don't want to say too much here. I want to talk to you in person, with all the magic chemicals floating around between us, your blue and white and my red and blue shots of waterflames, watercolors bursting and blending at the midpoint and glowing indigo all over the room. Not in here, in the dark, with these silly ghosts in all the corners, trying to creep me out and capsize my dreams.

My dreams have been mixed and miscommunicated- I'm talking to you on the phone and the world's flying by, poorly edited jumpcuts, from the keys to the door to the road to the glare on the windshield to the bustling street to the hang-up to the wake-up and I'm getting upset and I'm watching myself say things I don't want to say and you hang-up. But they're just stressdreams. They're old-hat. The other dreams are beautiful, going up elevators made of glass, fast, overlooking skylines of the city. Have I said I like the way you dress. Ha.

I spent Saturday night after work tossing and turning for probably eight hours and I thought I hadn't slept but I woke from the dream and it was two in the afternoon. But I bucked up and got myself to work, and stayed there the three hours until I made up my outstanding balance to you and then I went home. Four sixteen.

Hey you know what's funny. It wasn't really four-sixteen. I mean it wasn't really six-six-six. It couldn't possibly be. I think it was six-sixty maybe. 660? It doesn't matter, but it's funny that you said that. You said six sixteen but you can keep the extra dollar... Like it was 666. ;-) Silly. It wasn't really, was it? Imagine.

What else is funny is that Madeline isn't really doing rooster-calls. That's just her voice. She's like Billie Holiday meets Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, with an Italian accent. I'll show you. I showed her those cats talking and she said, Boorrrrrg! ...I left it alone. What can you say to that, you know?

That's it. The ghosts are gone as far as I can tell. Good morning. See you in a few...

<3

Friday at 6 45.

At 6:30 I flipped on his waiting room switch.

He opened the door at 6:45, smiling brilliantly. He gave me my movie. I give him his coffee.

"Thanks," he said.

"Tell me if it's-- are you with someone right now?"

"No, not for a few minutes, do you want to come in?"

"Sure."

"The coffee is really bad."

"It's Table Top." I laughed.

He put it on the floor next to his chair, but then stood back up. I was standing.

"I have another one for you-"

"The 'Lars and the Real Girl'?"

"You haven't seen it, yet, right?"

"No, I want to,"

"Okay, good."

"You own it?"

"I ordered it."

.......................................

"It's really good, it's funny and heart-warming and weird, and, you'd think it would be kinda kinky--"

"Uh-huh,"

"But no, it's not. But it takes place in a little town in Canada up north..."

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah... You grew up in Minneapolis or?"

"I'm from Wisconsin. I went to school in Minneapolis..."

"Oh, Madison?"

He nodded. "Good place to be from. General lack of neuroses that makes me uncomfortable."

I laughed and shook my head. "Do you ever visit?"

"I've gone back twice in twenty years."

"Wow. What made you..."

"I went to my high school reunion--"

"Did you really?"

"-and it was GREAT. So I went again... But the people were like, I felt like they were exaggerating, their accents it was like so 'Hi how are ya!' but they weren't! It was just, I grew up with these people?? It was really different. It was just different."

I was laughing and leaning against his bookcase. "Is your family there?"

"There was a diaspora..."

I laughed, "Yeah."

"My parents are from New York City..."

"Ahhh. That makes sense." I looked at him. He smiled.

"Do you ever go back to Pennsylvania?"

"Never." I said. "There's nothing."

We looked at each other for a moment. He looked down at his coffee on the floor. "Well..."

"Yeah," I said and turned toward the door.

"Oh- the other one-"

"Would you like to-"

He laughed, he went over to the door and held it open. "See you Tuesday,"

"Have a good weekend Julian."

"Okay."

"Not too good." I said as I walked past him.

Friday at 5.

"I don't want to force the issue, though I'm open to it, and on one hand I feel like our conservations are just intensifying our feelings... but, you shy away from it whenever it comes up and I understand that, because, besides, well you were angry at me, but usually, we have... an amazing connection... right?"

"Yes." I smiled.

"I mean we talk to each other, and it's great, and I'm... I look forward to talking to you... I'm happy to talk to you, so..."

"Me too."

"I forgot what it was like, to talk like this."

"I never knew what it was like... to talk like this."

"That's why I hope you can... forgive some of that anger, self-directed or at me..."

"I hope you can forgive me for throwing things at you."

"It wasn't at me, it was at the wall?"

"Well there were two things..."

"No, just the hair-tie?"

"Okay, just the hair-tie."

.............................................

............................................

"I have your movie but I left it in my car.. if you're going next door anyway and want to wait like an hour--"

"Yeah--"

"I can trade you-"

"Did you want another filthy Table Top coffee?"

"Oh, you don't- okay.."

"Ah, cream no sugar?"

"Yes."

"Okay. See you at six fifty-two..."

"Scarlet-"

"What?"

"Um, I don't know."

"No?"

"Nope."

"'Kay."

"Okay."

"See you in-"

"Bye."

Sitting in Psych.

I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!

But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...

Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.

So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"

He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."

And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.

Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.

Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.

Sigh. Cry-time.

Phone call with Julian

Hello?

Hi.

Hi. ...How are you?....

I'm fine. I'm sleepy.

I just--

What? I can't hear you there's like, distortion...

Oh I just said I wanted to see how you were doing.

I'm fine, Julian.

.....

.....

And I know you didnt do anything wrong. I understand why you didn't want to bring it up and all that. I mean that's all, you can go if you need to, you don't have to stay on...

I want to. Your opinion matters to me. And thank you for saying that but, I did some things wrong. I've been thinking about this a lot, when I should be thinking about my other clients--

And I know you're busy with everything too--

Thank you for saying that, but I meant, I've been thinking about transference and countertransference and all of that and, I don't think the recommended way to deal with it is right, but, I just, I didn't how to deal with it. And I'm not sure how, what the best way to deal with it is....

I'm sorry about all those e-mails.

Scarlet, I promise you. Besides maybe you, not a soul was hurt by those e-mails. And, honestly, they made me feel good and, they're quite brilliant. And I understand the depths of your emotions, the impulse to write the e-mails, though mine weren't quite as poetic as yours-- I wanted to-- and I've been there.

So you've had it? This unrequited love disease?

Yes.

So you know how much it hurts? And that it won't just go away?

My god, yes. It's been 10 years later and it still hasn't gone away. It's gotten better. But I haven't stopped thinking about it.

So great, so, this will still hurt in 10 years and forever?

Well god I HOPE it gets better after 10 years... See, I was kind of shunned. And I thought that maybe the opportunity to talk through it, with you, might be really helpful, might be really better for you, than my experience was.

Yeah. So 10 years ago, so it was right before you married your wife?

Shortly before, yes.
........

I'm sad, J. Do you have to go?

I have some time.

........................

I'm sorry for ruining Lolita...

(laugh) You didn't ruin Lolita for me.

...........................

I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 days.

I have a cancellation Monday, would you like to take that instead of Tuesday?

Yes.

If you want you can call my phone tomorrow, I'll be in court and probably won't get out til 8 but I might get out earlier, but we can talk after then if you want, and on the weekend, just e-mail me so I can see it if I'm remote--

I don't want to trouble you on the weekends--

I appreciate that, but if you need to talk to me I am available.

Ok. Thanks.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.