37.2 C le Matin

It's getting really hot here, it's a heatwave, and there's no crossbreeze and it never lets up and I've been sort of sick or something for ages now and it might be the heat. And it's humid too.

It feels like India.

I've been to India.

And I have no A/C.

My show on Tuesday was awesome, though I felt like I was sick and dying, it went really awesome cuz Lena's friend brought an awesome keyboard, and there was a big crowd, and it was taped, and a bunch of people were there I didn't expect...

.........................................................................................................................

I had all these weird dreams.

1. Naima was being really weird I was stopping at her house to pick up my stuff and trying to explain to her why she was being weird, and wrap all these packages into one box...

2. Her house was atop these weird hills like a video game, I was driving around it.

3. Some reality show and it was about these three golddigger girls that just wanted to be rich and Naima was complaining to me she'd been having a hard time because one of them moved into the rich kid's apartment next to her and was having the whole thing expanded and there was construction all the time.

4. We were at a pool party and they thought I was going to be at my old friend from grade school's birthday instead.

5. We went to see a concert, and the band was this guy and girl who always dressed in like, Louis XIV style full royal court clothes....

P.S. This blog title is the original French title of one of my favorite movies, Betty Blue, which is also the name of the potential love interest of the ever captivating and heartthrobbed Tuesday Kid.


It also just really is that hot.

Sitting in Psych.

I made myself go.
It's an hour and a half into class, at least. Almost over.
I don't know how he's gonna respond and if I'll be able to make enough up to get a decent grade. Might have to drop. Get a Drop on my record. Waste of time. Waste of money. My fault. Knew it. Knew I'd mess up. There was a test apparently. Sigh. I'm gonna tell him about my whole mess with Julian. Usually I go by "don't explain; don't complain" for everything in life. It's my motto. When it comes to real love and real job and real friends, it doesn't fly. It's disrespectful. But for my airhead jobs and the shallow guys and bureaucrats that comprise of MY life. It's the goddamn Secret. Whoops. Sorry. I wasn't in. Couldn't make it. I'm gonna need this material. Thanks!

But yeah this professor likes to hear about the skeletons in our closet, pick them apart, psychoanalyze them, etc. So...

Ok less than an hour to go. 9% battery left on my computer... I wonder how long that is.

So other wacky things Julian said. Well, I asked him if "the child you're expecting is from the same... as your daughters?"

He nodded. "Which means I should see if he's going to look like the mailman."

And... yeah, the confusing of pronouns... "whether I should be mad at you" instead of "whether you should be mad at me" and "i don't wish that on you" when the comparison was about his ex... "primitive urges" and just the whole everything. And calling it "this Perfect Storm." Indeed. Indeed.

Now I bet he won't call me anymore, now that I told him his behavior doesn't make sense to me.

Psych is over. I talked to my Prof. I'm gonna do fine. He didn't even want to talk about make-ups but I did tell him about Julian and he had a ball with that. Though his advice was actually very sensitive and understanding.

Sigh. Cry-time.

All things holy

There are some really beautiful things

Surfer Rosa, the Pixies album, sounds like life moving
Sunny's an angel
I texted her last night just Can you come over? and she was like Give me a half hour, and she did.
Elena's ama3ing... I hate that she disappears into her world for like 2 months at a time sometimes, but it doesn't matter ultimately
she always calls back and we always talk for four hours and we always understand each other
I have a new hairstylist, the first one I actually like here. She's really good, and she's funny as hell, I finally can look in the mirror, for the first time in a year and a half since I've moved here
Ironically I met her through Stefan
And when she told me the price I was like No. She was like, no, really! I was like you're out of your trees. She was like, no, really, I liked doing it it made me happy. I was like All right, if you say so. I tipped her like 40%. It was stupid cheap. And I know she's not cheap... she's the busiest stylist there and it's not a cheap place
The party tonight was lovely
It was small, 20 people, a dinner party, birthday party, about half the people were really famous, but they were all sweet

Julian called me at like 8 15, a little after I got there, and I ran out of the bar to answer the phone... He... the sound of his voice melted me... I've been either sobbing or on the verge of tears all day. I called him earlier but I didn't leave a message. He said It sounds like you're out somewhere. I said yeah, I am, I'm out at this director's birthday party. I'm halfway through my second vodka. He said Well I don't want to ask you anything in public... I said No I'm halfway down the block already. He said How was your day? I said Fucking fantastic. I said I'm like, breaking down every 20 minutes. And I have to be here for more than 20 minutes. And I haven't eaten anything so I feel the boo3e. And he said, Well, hmmm, at the risk of sounding pedestrian... Channel some of the Machiavellian impulse and make a good impression there, no, that's stupid advice. I laughed, No, and then started crying. Tell me not to drink anymore. I said. Okay, he said. Don't drink anymore. I mean tonight. I laughed again. Okay. I said. Yes, you can drink again, he said, but tonight you should watch out for the Sick Puppies. I laughed and said Okay. Okay. He said, so, let's leave it at this, just contact me if you need to talk over the weekend, and we're on for Monday at seven? Yes. I said. Okay, he said. No drinking! No drinking! I said.

I've never felt like this before. Never. Never. Not through dad leaving, mom dying, brother losing his marbles, losing our house, ex dying, six breakups, all kinds of things going wrong and people disappearing.

Everything is tied to everything and everything makes me think about him and everything makes me SO SAD

SO SAD

I can't believe how SAD i am.

Letters to Julian in Succession.

Thanks.
Personal X
Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 5:45 PM (20 hours ago)

Dear Julian:

Here's a list of what I'm thinking now. These are some things for which I wanted to give thanks. To you. For.

1. Thanks. Thanks for helping me reali3e that I hate this fucking hellhole and need to leave it now.

2. Thanks. Thanks for allowing me to embarrass myself repeatedly, yes, I know it's therapy and I'm supposed to act like a lunatic, but I do, in fact have some dignity, and shame, and throwing myself albeit electronically at an expecting father is not a move in my lifegame strategy.

3. And thanks again, thanks for turning all the decent coffeeshops in this little town into red-tape 3ones. In fact. I think the whole neighborhood is brimming with ha3mat.

4. Thank-you for making sad movies that much sadder, in fact, unwatchable.

5. Thanks for borrowing from my one of my top-5 favorite authors to spike the punch in the face.

6. Thanksmuch for all the jokes and again the recommendations and the hair and all those little things that make me love you even more every day instead of acting like a dull boring tasteless idiot, when, "What would help?" THAT would've helped. Thanks. Your wife and kids and everything. Yes. They help in making me reali3e what an ass I am and that impossible does not come in shades. But it doesn't help make me feel less for you. So yeah. It helps. It'll help me move on. Possibly move period. But it's no less painful.

7. Thanks for letting me spend oh about eight months of my rapidly dimishing youth living in a fantasy and embarrassing myself.

8. Thanks for breaking my fucking heart.

9. Thanks for turning me into a Nabokovian monstrosity.

10. Thanks for completely destroying my faith in humanity.

Ok. Thanks. I hate everything. And want to die. But I don't hate you. No. I love you. And I HATE THAT. And I do think, that you've been just a little irresponsible. Or oblivious. Or something. I'm sure you have been stressed out and wiped out and busy with your work and your kids, and your 3rd term pregnant undoubtedly incredible wife. And you're happy. And you should be. And I'm not being ironic or sarcastic here. (But only here.) But I do. I think you've handled this badly. I'm paraly3ed. And sick.
Thanks
Love
S
Take your fucking check


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Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:02 PM (19 hours ago)

THE WIND IS SCREAMING AND I WANT TO FUCKING DIE. Thanks.
- Show quoted text -

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:10 PM (19 hours ago)

Good morning! Said the nightmare. Time to get up now! You're been on some hallucinogenic drugs. We have to inform you. You don't remember. But there was a terrible accident. Yes. They're... gone. Yes. They're gone too. Do you know where you are?

Nightmare?

Yes. Do you know the date and time?

Um... November 12th, 2008..

It's April 29th, 2010.

What?

Do you know who you are, Ma'am?
..........
..........
No.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:17 PM (19 hours ago)

Congratulations on your baby.
I think I'm done. With therapy. Yup.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:18 PM (19 hours ago)

Aren't you relieved.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:30 PM (19 hours ago)

I'm about to take 4 ativan (no thats not a lethal dosage, it'll make me loopy so I'm not fucking threatening you or pulling any borderline shit on you cu3 i'm actually not a Borderline, thanks. though i hope i'm making you feel bad, cu3 you made me feel REAL bad, so why shouldnt i? cu3 its not fault, no, its not, though again, i think you handled it BADLY. but you probably wont feel bad because you know you did everything right and im just being the... whatever.) so I might sleep through tomorrow, unlikely though. if i dont. yeah. i would like to talk to you Julian. please. thanks. maybe i wont tomorrow. obviously. things are never so lasting or definitive in my world as they are in yours. but no. how can i not want to talk to you. of course i want to talk to you. I MISS YOU. I want to look at you. I want to talk to you. I am pathetic and I am disgusted with myself. For being this pathetic. If, rather, when (believe it or not I've been on the other side of this too. Many times. Well I guess it's only fair that I should get it too. Karma's a bitch like that.) someone has been this pathetic over me, still wanted to be around, still wanted to talk, still wasted their time and money and breath on me, knowing I was N.I. Not. Interested. I found that pretty pathetic. Now I don't feel so strongly on the matter. Well I guess theres a life lesson I can thank ya for. THANK-YOU J
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian
show details 6:32 PM (19 hours ago)

FUCKING ANSWER ME PLEASE. NO? CAN'T DO IT OVER E-MAIL? just send me a blank email, or better yet, just send me an invoice. HAHAHAHA. Yeah. Send me that. Thank-You.
- Show quoted text -

Reply

Julian Darcy
to me
show details 6:52 PM (19 hours ago)

Scarlet,
Can I call you just before 9 tonight?

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.

Reply

Scarlet O'Dwyer
to Julian

Please.
-Show quoted text-


show details 6:55 PM (19 hours ago)

Julian Darcy
to me

Confirmed.

Julian Darcy, Ph.D.

SECURITY/CONFIDENTIALITY WARNING: This email and any attachments hereto are intended solely for the individual or entity to which they are addressed. This communication may contain information that is privileged, confidential, or exempt from disclosure under applicable Federal Law (HIPAA) e.g., personal health information, research data and/or financial information. Because this email has been sent without encryption, individuals other than the intended recipient may be able to view the information, forward it to others or tamper with the information without my knowledge or consent. If you are not the intended recipient, or the employee or person responsible for delivering the message to the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of the communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify me immediately by replying to this message and by deleting the message and any accompanying files from your system. If, due to the security risks, you do not wish to receive further communications via email, please reply to this message and inform me that you do not wish to receive further emails from me.