so,

So I'm seeing him tomorrow at 3... well MAYBE. He gave me one of his standby type appointments where he might not get out of court in time to make it.

Sorry guys.

EXTREME CHEMISTRY + shared dry sense of humor + lifesaving + most passionate kiss of my life = I can't help it, I have to see him again, I have a list of questions for him this time and I'm not scared of nothing. And now that I know he's been faithfully reading my letters... :::swoon::::

On another note, on the way out of class today I asked this woman where the bathroom was and she said, I just wanted to say, you're so pretty, and so smart, and every time you speak in class it's just so thought provoking, I really enjoy being in class with you.

I was gobsmacked.

Phonecall with Julian Thurs morn.

"Hello."
"Hi Scarlet you wanted me to call you."
"Hi, yeah."
"Okay well, what, what's going on?"
"I'm just really struggling with this, being completely ignored by you, and, I don't know if there's anything you can say, but just, yeah it's like been--"
"Well, have you tried seeing another therapist?"
"I've thought about it."
"And where are you on that?"
"I've sort-"
"Because I know a, a guy, he's an older guy, and, I like him, I mean, not that that means you'll like him, but, I can try, I don't know his availability right now-"
"Okay-"
"And as far as the letters, you-"
"I know."
"You know what?"
"You think I should stop writing you; I will-"
"I didn't, okay, you're putting WORDS IN MY MOUTH now-- I thought, you'd want to stop writing, so that you can move on, and my not responding, I just thought it's, it's like you said I'm, I'm shunning you or, and I'm not, I just thought I should try to help you, move on and..."
"Right."
"And so yes we can, I can try to reach this doctor and we can move forward from there-"
"MOVE FORWARD FROM THERE... ugh... what, do you have like two minutes to talk right now?"
"Well I'm- Janet's in my office and I'm in her office and she has an 11 o clock, that's, that's the situation..."
"I see..."

"Hello, Scarlet?"
"Yeah I'm here."
"So yeah, I'll get in touch with this doctor, I know he doesn't take less than 150 dollars though, he's out of network but..."
"Oh Julian I can't afford to be--"
"I know but I'm sure he'll-- and, I can tell him about you, beforehand,"
"What?"
"If you want me to, it's up to you."
"Are you crazy?"
"What??"
"Is that COMMONLY done?"
"It's within the REALM of standard practice, yes... Scarlet?"
"Here."
"...so, so, what do you, I'm having trouble figuring out--"
"Ha! I'M having trouble figuring out! Are you like, totally unaware that there's anything wrong besides that I've stopped therapy, or what?"
"No... I'm... I'm aware that there's something besides that."

"The way you're talking to me is just, feeling really false, J."
"What do you mean, can you explain that?"
"Yes, it's just, and I don't want to be presumptuous or insulting it's just like, this whole, I dunno, business-like and maybe slightly condescending--"
"Well, I'm sorry if it seems condescending, I'm, I am, on the phone, in Janet's office, I mean I don't know what to say, what do you want?"
"What I want. Is to talk to you. Outside of that office. Like a-"
"I can't do that, Scarlet, I CAN'T, I cannot-"
"It doesn't have to be OUTSIDE of the office- there are a lot of things that were left hanging but- that I still need to-"
"Well, I don't want to say, since you keep writing 'just don't call me up and tell me to make an appointment'..."
"Who cares what I keep writing? You sound like, are you really irritated or, what's going on..."
"I'm not, I'm sorry if this sounds cold and clinical-"
"It's not just cold and clinical you sound irritated-"
"Well I'm on the phone, and I have a time issue, so, yes, maybe I'm a little stressed about that, maybe that's what you're hearing."
"Anyway yeah, I'll make an appointment- but no- then you'll just be dishonest there."
"I'm not dishonest with-- I'm always honest--"
"JULIAN."
"What?"
"For you to say, that you've always been completely open and honest with me right now, is just, it's crazy."
"..."
"It's just bullshit."
"Okay."

"So yeah if you can be honest with me, in an appointment-"
"I, I will be..."
"Then I'd like to make one."
"Okay so I'll look in my schedule and I'll find a time and get back to you this afternoon or it might be tomorrow morning because I'm booked solid through today but-"
"Okay."
"Okay so I'll do that and, did you want me to follow through with that doctor?"
"..."
"Scarlet?"
"No, no thanks."
"O-kay. So. Okay. So are you okay?"
"I feel better now I heard your fake-mad/irritable/nervous-wreck voice, yeah,"
"Okay. Okay. Okay."

Waiting by the Phone.

Okay I am literally sitting and waiting by the phone right now. I e-mailed him to call me. He responded right away that he'll try to call later tonight. Then an hour after that he asked what my number is, I guess cu3 he's not in the office. And I had just walked out the door to get Madeline's food. So I didn't answer for like a half hour. That was 7 30. And now it's 9 20. It's getting on the late side for him to call me I think. I feel like a sixteen year old girl, in the 1950s, when there was only one houseline. I can't leave the living room.