DRUG LABEL: WARNING: Do not feed the animals.

It's so tempting to go purchase and ingest a large quantity of drugs right now.

So tempting yet not tempting at all.

That's what I've been doing, for the past couple weeks, if we're gonna call a spade a spade here.

I don't even like drugs of any kind. I just didn't know what else to do with myself. Horrific timing as always, making the noggin' null and void right before a bargeful of shows, the onslaught of school, right at the very moment in life to buck the fuck up, right when right now truly calls from some grace...

Right at the moment I'm drooling over a cigarette typing in tongues.

Ugh.

Gross.

But, no one has to know about this, because I kept my own personal ass pretty much entirely in the doma. No Sid to my fucking Nancy.

The headmath just kinda went something like this-- "Well," it went, "Well! You're not gonna be able to talk to him for a few months, and this is gonna put you out for at least a day or two..."

Wrong.

The stuff, well first of all it made me write him. Like, the Devil LITERALLY made me do it.

And it made me sit and think and wank and cry about him all by my lonesome for COUNTLESS fucking hours...

And then the Killyourself factor significantly spiked, when it wore off.

And it's not even fun.

Who LIKES that shit???

And now, here I am, 80 bucks leaner, two-weeks older, none-the-wiser, and really, no closer to the expiry date of Significant Time passage as I HAVE been communicating, and rather hysterically, at that.

Well. All very good for the art. But seriously. No more. Totally gross. Ugh.

it was a little better for like 2 minutes and now its really fucking bad
i hate where i am and want to be where im not
and think about going there
and start sobbing hysterically
have i been here often
maybe i should look back
has it always been like this
its hard to remember
i dont want to die but i really dont want to live
because although there is so much beauty
i know i wont get to see it
because im so slow
and waste so much time
and so lazy
and such a coward
that all there's ever to do are errands
and i complain the entire way through everything
and then its gone

I WANT IT TO STOP

i cant take it

i dont know how i did the things i used to do
i have been all over the world

my mother took her life too
at least she got married first
ill never be in love again
i just dont SEE HOW
i dont see how this will ever change
it has been exactly the same for a year
but i mean exactly the same
groundhogs day
i need to end it, i cannot take it anymore. i cant. i understand now. i do.

i am actually afraid to go running because im afraid of how ill feel when i come down from the high
im afraid of how ill feel when i have to walk back into my lonely apartment
im afraid of how late it will get
and i wont get my homework done
i havent done anything fun since new years
im always with the wrong person, to have fun

i have fun at work, drinking and dancing sometimes, but its work
i have fun performing, but its work too

my classes have been fun
everything is work

work and errands

i really do want to die a little
i really want to be nicer to myself
but im too angry at her
all the pain she feels is her fault

i dont know what to do besides blow my brains out
if i take a bunch of sleeping pills ill wake up feeling like shit

i'm done with all this
i've been such a fool
i'm disgusted with myself
i've never been so tired
i don't know whether to go to work
all the girls were mean to me yesterday and i hate saturdays, there are probably like 18 of them there. there were 17 yesterday. i went to that wedding today. jess was fake but we barely exchanged a word, everyone else was all right. i took care of all my parking fees, and i bought my ticket to moscow. i took care of this old hospital bill. i went to work. i made jack shit. maybe i should go to work. i told vinnie i wouldnt though, cuz i thought id be at that wedding later. i could just stay in and finish my schoolwork. i should. but i feel like im gonna jump out of my skin. and it would be stupid to go tomorrow, with my exam at 9. its too late though, 10 o clock already. ill just go tomorrow, take the exam, and then pass out if i like. i havent gone running in forever, but im so tired and hungover. i asked j to call me and he didnt. i dont know why i felt so upset with him on friday... i think i'm just done, it's just been one nightmare of a year. i want to die. i do. last night i went home with some armenian gangster. i feel this tremendous violence toward myself but then i feel like, empathy toward myself too, i don't want to be mean to me, i don't want anyone to be mean to me, but, i don't know. i'm always thinking 'lalala nobody cares about me' but it's just like what do i expect. i'm having these really bad thoughts right now. i don't know what to do. i don't know who to call. i want to go dance but i've barely been able to keep my eyes open all day, i want to go to sleep before the sun rises for once. i want to work my body so it can feel good. it's always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and then things get done and then i was just. i'm unhappy. i am unhappy. i do everything wrong. i'm a fucking loser ok ok i'm going to stop. i guess i'll stop writing. i think i'll take a bunch of pills right now. i shouldn't do that. but i cant even cry.

Sober, Somber, Steel

cam is hot. he's really hot. his eyes are huge his eyelashes are incredibly long and curly and he's just super sexy hot. he's tall and model-y but not vain and retarded; he's intelligent and curious about the world, and very sincere and the young little boys just love so much more openly. he has good taste in music. he made me a mix cd tonight.

sometimes his jokes are awkward and i have to pretend to laugh at them. and he doesn't... KNOW... a lot... like, in experience, and my references, he doesn't get my references, he doesn't ask me any questions, which isn't always bad, he is interested in me, and he really respects me, and likes me; he thinks he knows, he infers, but he has no idea. no clue. you know?

but so what.

it's not like he says dumb things, or even really wrong things, or like i have to dumb myself down, and a lot of his opinions are educated, and intelligent and observant, it's just like there are universes he's not even aware of.

but so what.

today i got up... not early... i let myself get some sleep... and me and jo went to macy's to return that crap my neighbor got me. this was like a big thing on my to-do list. i don't think i've ever returned anything in my life. it's just such a pain in the ass. i wanted to go the dmv and the parking place but it's memorial day so it was all closed, but we are going to do it tomorrow, we are, and it will be a huge weight off my shoulders. god, i really- well i'm not gonna beat myself up. basically fear of mortality or something. kept me from taking care of that.

and we worked on some school stuff. obviously not near as much as i need. and then i went home and i talked to carly this old childhood friend and she called me because her sister went through this awful thing, and she's been having this premonition dreams... and carly remembered when we were like 13, 14, and i used to have them, she said "i remember how you used to tell me this stuff, your dreams, and then we'd run into people, from your dreams, and all these things would happen... i didn't know what to say to her about them, but i told her you used to have them, and maybe she should talk to you..." and we talked for like an hour. and then i went to cam's and we're gonna do this show at the galapagos. and it was fun hanging out, and sexy, and his roommates came back and were like sitting around just watching us talk.

his roommate though is now sleeping in the living room because there's like, two other people staying in their little place- cam always ends up living in the clubhouse, like he did on that tv show- so his roommate wanted to go to sleep so i didn't want to stay and cam burned me the cd in silence. i picked up this book they had there, body language for dummies or something, and i flipped through it. it made me think of julian.

seeing him on friday like that. like, sometimes, when we've had these encounters, i get myself trashed and sit at home fantasizing and obsessing, but after friday, it's been opposite. i've been motivated. to take care of myself for a change. to ask friends for help. and go to work, and be around people, and get my shit done. maybe it's just that enough is enough and i can't anymore, because if i do, i will literally end up on the street or in a nuthouse or just blowing everything and while i often cut out before things get too intense, too good, before i finish anything or really GO anywhere with it... i also don't just let myself go, ever. i don't just fuck everything up. i don't let myself get dicked around. i'm not going to anymore. if that's what's going on. it's not happening anymore. i don't care, what it means.

i have to write a FIVE page psychology paper by tomorrow at seven. i don't know how i'll do it. i asked cam if he would and he said he would and i think he totally would but it's so stupid and specific for this class i'd be doing it with him, but, maybe that's what i should do, because there are certain things i can't do unless someone is there plodding me along.

but it's NOT that i lack discipline. because there's nobody, telling me what to do, in life, i don't have to answer to anyone, and i haven't, for so long. for like.. ten years.. since i was a CHILD.. and.. i need someone plodding me along sometimes, but i have to recognize that i need someone plodding me along, and when, and how much, and i have to find someone who's willing, and i have to ask them. and to do it. and not because there are any consequences. because when you ask someone, they're doing it as a favor, and if you tell them "oh nah i'm not gonna today" they're not gonna do anything, except probably stop asking and never do it again... so it's like... i still have to make myself do it. i just need to ask someone to be there.

and none of it's easy.

i'm tired and can't sleep, and i feel like crying, i can't eat, i don't feel like smoking a cigarette or drinking. i should write this paper but i'm so tired and i've been so tired all day and... well.. i'll do what i gotta do.

d

havent posted in a while. feel quite awful. end.

On Balloons-- (Dear Friends:)

Okay, this is just something I've kinda reali3ed. When I've got a pal. Who wants something... or hopes for something... that's probably not gonna happen for a lot of reasons... While I don't ENCOURAGE them full on and hype them up even more, I let 'em enjoy their time in the air, with silliness, and little fantasies, and like "that would be sweet if" and jokes.

UNLESS- they're really totally unaware of the possibility it's not gonna happen, or they're being scammed or bs'd or manipulated by someone. And even then, unless it's like, a SERIOUS situation, I wont make a big deal of it, because when people hear things they don't like, they reject them completely.

EX: My friend Harlan, she used to always talk about these BIG huge galleries she was gonna open, and sell her art, and movies she was gonna make, and this guy she met, that's gonna do this, and that, and the other... and like... at first, I'd be like, "Dude... I dunno about this guy... I mean WHERE did you MEET him? Okay, can I google him? Ok, just as a general, meeting people like that does NOT USUALLY LEAD-" etc, etc, etc.

And it would really bum her out! And she'd feel like crap, and wanna go. And I think it was good for her to hear on some level, coming from someone, occasionally, cu3 she's in this world of BS too like me, but that was NOT necessary. She knows, on some level, it might be BS, and she's learned more so through experience, way more, than she ever could've or would've from my naysaying. Now when she talks about huge plans- well first of all- they're pretty realistic now- but also, if something sounds kinda shaky to me, I'll just be like, Yeah ya never know! and she'll be like, Oh I know, you never know. And she goes on planning and building and inspired.

So. My point is. There's no need to constantly knock somebody off their high-horse. I don't think H would've been any worse off for the fall of these fallen ventures had I just been like "Oh that sounds cool!" instead of bringing her down on something she was gonna try for herself anyway.

I KNOW, ok, I KNOW, ODDS ARE: I FUCKING LOSE. OK?

If you're BORED of hearing me vividly describe Julian's trouser-weave, FINE. Just say so. Don't wait for me to take a breath and then say 'Yeah, Scar, I just don't know, I mean obviously I'm not there so I can't say anything (I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR ADVICE, ORACLE) but I mean it just seems like it's kinda not going anywhere.'

OKAY? OKAY?

FRIENDS WHO READ THIS? Please. I will STOP yapping about it if you're bored of hearing it. I'm sure you are, all ONE of you who knows about this blog in real life and might read it in a few months. But I'm more than aware of the epic failure likely to come, I think I would benefit a lot more from someone (who, thanks, to those of you that do this!) are just like, sweet, I'm on for the ride! And seem to share my excitements, and the good things, because THIS IS HOW I FEEL, and its not gonna just change any time soon. If it hasn't by now, I can't just make it. So instead being miserable the entire time, and feeling like a loser, and being reminded that I'm just going to be rejected, that this person doesn't want me, that I'm just seeing things... like... SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH IT ALREADY!!!!!!!!! OK? I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT. GIVE ME A BREAK. LET ME ENJOY MY FANTASY. IT'S WHAT I HAVE IN LIFE.

I need you guys. I am very very alone. So friends, please... just humor me. I'd do it for you.

THANK YOU

SCARLET

PS. Furthermore, sometimes the "impossible" things DO happen for people. And I know I personally am very affected by what my friends predict. Especially Elena. I think she's been dead-on RIGHT a lot, but at the same time, the second she's given any relationship I've been in or project I've done the cloud of doom, I lose faith in it, and that probably aids in the derailing, in and of itself.

Sun's down.

And I've chilled out a little. I ran my 7 miles. And I did yoga, at home. I'm not sure what compelled me to do these things but- oh yes- because I HAVE to tire my limbs out or I'm tossing and turning painfully at night. I barely slept 2 hours last night.

I don't know what's wrong with me. These chemical ups and downs. Everything seems hopeless and sad and impossible. I know it isn't. I know it's just a feeling make it seem that way. But what isn't just a feeling is the loneliness. I am so utterly alone.

Vinnie called me just now probably wants me to work and I won't because I don't need to and I'll lose my mind if I don't sleep and catch up on school. But yeah. Nobody calls anymore. Not just to hear your voice. I'm crying so bad. It's so bad out here. I don't know what to do anymore.

Re: Adult Friendships :-)

Okay, I'm going to take a break from my usual daily planner + descriptive whining-style post and write, in response to Kat (hey if you don't want me calling you that tell me, I don't know why I started it even!) and write about adult friendships, as I have been thinking a lot about them too lately... She went to a seminar and it was one of the topics, so, Der 3eitgeist I guess!

The Proximity Effect

Before friendships become close, they must begin. Before, like, the internet, that wasn't even possible, to meet someone who wasn't right there. When I was a little kid, like 5, I had friends and I had best friends, and I don't remember choosing them. My parents chose them, sometimes based on their opinion of their parents (and then sometimes banished them when that opinion changed...) I don't remember anything before 5, I hardly remember anything before 10, and we moved schools a lot, but my friend from kindergarten Sharon is THE BOMB. She was my best friend for years, even after we switched elementary schools and I moved a couple towns over, and then we lost touch because my mom decided her family was low-class and she couldn't come over anymore... Which is horrible. Luckily I got back in touch with her on Myspace or something several years ago and she's still ama3ing, and god even though we live such different lives, we think the same way, and it's so important for me to have someone that KNEW me then, that remembers me, that recogni3ed things about me when I was six years old that I'd completely lost sight of... She is tough and funny and no nonsense and small-town working class but her mind is open to all corners of the universe and she's bright and outspoken and REAL and caring and JUST, she has character, and she loves her family, and she's just ama3ing.

But yeah, when I was like 11 I couldn't see her anymore... I had another parentally imposed friend, Carly, whose parents were later dismissed in the same way and my mom again tried to limit her coming over even though she really is the sweetest, most conventional, harmless girl. I like her, and I still talk to her, but our lives are different too, which doesn't matter, but our souls are very different, and I don't think she understands me, nor I her, but we still love each other.

But then around that age I started making my own friends in school, and started being aware of social things... I wasn't shy... I was always nice, a little on the outside, because it was a small town and my family didn't fit in. My parents didn't fit it, and didn't have any friends, and my brother didn't fit it... he was really quiet and he had one friend and he was a good student, and he was picked on. And I have no idea how much, cu3 it was never that bad... Well I don't know... it might've been worse than I thought...

But I made myself fit in, though it broke my heart at times and drained me of energy to do so... I had a little group in sixth and seventh grade, we used to have sleepovers every weekend, and make christmas cookies, and go into "town" to go shopping, and play ouija and stuff... We were all pretty creative... Hillary, Julia, Carly and me, and occasionally Allison, or Caroline, or Georgia. Hillary and I were kind of the leaders... and the most "popular" cu3 she played sports I guess, and a lot of boys liked me. And we started getting together alone more often... And we'd get invited to parties... And I guess we started caring... And one day, in the cafeteria, I can't even remember; I blocked it out; I didn't say anything I remember, but Hillary kind of told Julia something... and the two of us went and sat somewhere else... at a more "popular" table...

And then I was alone. I had a lot of friends, and made a lot more, but it was different, but that group in which I was so myself, that state of being so myself, was gone, for a long, long time...

Then high school and all about boys and playing at being a grownup and then adulthood and making new friends from different places, much older, with interesting jobs, and bohemian, and everything changed, those are the adult friendships...

I will to be continued as well...

Fade

I had a crazy, kind of horrible, kind of great day. I decided I'm gonna quit whining so much but I was running around, sluggish, ten million things to do, making crackhead mistakes the whole time, I left my keys in the damn ignition and locked myself out in the cold, house keys on the same chain, phone almost dead, ugh, etc.

I got home and fell asleep for an hour, with my shoes and clothes on, face down. I've never done that.. I woke up and realized I was alone, that no one was next to me, and started crying. I've been alone for so long. I can barely take it.

I went to the venue with my neighbor. The owner wasn't too nice, and I just felt awful, but after a couple drinks, and the DJ warming up, we started dancing, and it was great. There was no one there.

We drove home and I found my Gipsy Kings CD in the car and I haven't heard it in like 6 months and we blasted it and I was happy.

Well.

I almost think I shouldn't blog right now. I'll keep it short. I don't know what to say. I didn't leave the house today. I finally got some sleep last night, woke up late, at like noon, and recorded and played and chatted with people online and talked to Elena for hours and she told me being alone right now is the best thing I can do, and everything I'm going through with J, that I'm going to experience a massive growth. (Sounds like a tumor.) I didn't go to work. I did yoga but I didn't run. I comforted Elena and then she comforted me. I've been crying. I know she's right cuz she's always right. But the isolation. But the isolation.

Should I be worried?

This is a picture Manny took of me in my Halloween costume as Marilyn.. I think it's small enough and I'm in costume enough to be safe. I could be wrong.

It's 2.

I said I'd go to bed by 12. I think if I just went to bed, I'd be asleep by now. Now I'm "playing Blues Brothers" like J said, "Well, if you can't turn off the light or the computer at least maybe you can play Blues Brothers..." meaning wear sunglasses at night, at home, when I want to start getting ready for bed. It was cute, really cute. I realize... I feel like the loneliest girl in the world. An old girlfriend from home called me, after a year, she lives here actually and we went for a drive while she took bad pretentious pictures for her music video for her weak boring music and she was completely self-absorbed and just talked about herself the whole time so I asked her to drop me off after half an hour, because I had a date, which I wanted to cancel, so I asked him to come earlier, and then he said he couldn't, so I was so happy. And then I spent hours playing and recording and then no one was online except my friend James from Scotland and I wanted to send him my music but it wouldn't go through and he kept asking me to send pictures of myself. There's a hilarious comic on Comedy Central. I wish I could put my songs on here somehow. I wish I could talk to Julian or Elena.

My friend Lucy from here doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. We stopped talking at some point, around the holidays, and then kept saying we needed to hang out, and we never did, talked online occasionally though, and then I asked her to read something in the blog, and she probably read it all, and she stopped talking to me, and IM'd her once and she said she had to go and "Let me know if you need anything." And hasn't spoken to me since. I have a feeling... It was condescending. She's 20. And I feel like sees me as a mess now and beneath her. Julian would challenge me on that. That maybe it's in my head and I assume everyone's judging me and if I reached out to her she'd be there. And he'd do it with just a look, get me to say all that. And now his voice is in my head at all times and I question it myself. Maybe it is just me. But it sure seems that way. I'm going to try again. Good night.

Play.

Heavy-lidded, thirsty, headthrobbed and humble, I blog.

I ran six miles today, mostly in the rain, it felt so good, it feels so good, just running, just running, why does it feel so good, all those things that aren't supposed to feel good, or that are, but are chores to other people, work, and it's all I ever want to do... Run, play piano and sing, write, clean... I didn't used to be like this.

I used to love to play.

I still do. I love to go out dancing. I love to travel and swim and go out and make out and *$(&.

Trust me. I LOVE it. There's just... I just don't know.

So, I figured it out. (If I'm repeating myself I'll figure that out too and edit.) Julian is divorced, with a child, in elementary school. Maybe just separated, but I'm pretty sure divorced, and they don't live together. I figured it out last night after more obsessive, exhaustive sleuthing-- which is NOT, by the way, what kept me up, but just something I fell into after tossing and turning for four hours.

This makes Scarlet very happy. :-) I mean, not, because that really sucks, divorce really sucks, specially with a kid, and now looking back I realize how many times I mentioned I never wanted to get divorced because like everyone in my family has been... But, the thought that he was married, or married with children, really kind of upset me. I would never, ever mess with someone who's married. It's been tempting, I mean not that I was tempted but just I've had attractions/connections with married men but no, no way.

Ugh. Dan is calling. I'm writing. I never answer the phone... It's in excusable. But, ugh, I'm busy.

I talked to Elena for hours today and yesterday. Elena is my heart, my pulse, without her I lose myself. Sometimes beautifully, but, I lose myself.