And, classes.

Time to go to class and hustle. Now I'm in a moving period. Going, going. I like my classes a lot... I'm just... sigh... I just don't know what I want to do with myself, ya know? I do well in them... I could do much better and finish school much faster if it were all I'm doing. But it's not. And I like the other stuff better. My soul needs it. So. Here I am I guess.

And the sadness. The loneliness of just not having love, even if I have friends, no love for so long... Wow. I dunno. A year. Is that normal? I mean there's been love... but... limited... extremely... frustrating... I can't move without giving it one more shot... just to run into him... and see what happens... I need to stop thinking about this. I'm thinking about it less. And I haven't written him in 4 days and I have no impulse to now.

Okay. Class.

Can I be sainted already?

Well that's really saying something, I told the cop. When a "miracle" is when you DON'T get towed and arrested because you couldn't find your classroom and happened to be coming home in time to...

He shrugged. Hey, it could be much worse!

Yeah. I said.

I did thank him though. He was knocking on the door to my building, where I happened to be standing, cuz I happened to run into Tony, cuz I happened to be coming home and he happened to have decided to look for the owner of the vehicle this chola bitch happened to claim "hit and run" from her vehicle even though it was fucking PARKED and running nowhere and right up on her bumper, yes, but not hitting her, and I don't know WHAT kind of damage she's going to claim, as there is none-- yes, I was too close to her bumper-- fine-- but, GODDAMN!!!

He told me he wouldn't have pressed any charges because yes, it clearly was not a hit and run, but I would have been towed, and I would have gotten a ticket for parking too close to the other vehicle, and, and, and... I didn't.

None of that happened.

So yes... a miracle indeed... another frustrated, crosseyed, sweatbroke fucking miracle day for Scarlet.

Love and Lube

S-O

Well I guess this was kind of inevitable.

Like months ago, when we were thinking about this trip, I had a dream that I got there, to a little city outside the Moscow airport, or about to leave from her apartment or something, with Elena, and we were staying at this weird foreign hostel on opposite ends of the hall, and she was packing and I was telling her not to pack so much, and we were fighting....

I just canceled my trip yesterday. I ate like $500 in penalties, and fees, and perhaps increased my risk of death by coronary a little. But I got most of it back. There's no such a thing as a non-refundable flight, just one where you eat it in shit-tons of penalties. But I got most of it back... and I don't have to worry about killing myself in the next three weeks, and then, possibly, probably, not even being able to go...

Yesterday, after buying my ticket across the country, where I'd fly out of, and then sending out for my VISA, taking care of those final details, I got home to another email from Elena with all these insane costs. I wrote her back like, You can't just keep piling this on, after telling me one price, and then another, and finally when everything seems surmountable it's just a new thing every day... And I called her, and she was like, What did you expect, are you a CHILD? Why didn't YOU think of these things? I'm finding this out as we go along, that's how you plan a trip... and I was like, because you told me to leave it to you, and these figures, and I believed you, and I know you're finding it out as you go along, and I'm not blaming you, but I CAN'T AFFORD this.

And she got all nasty...

And the thing is. She's calling me a CHILD? She's 15 years older than me. She and Valeria can swipe a credit card, when these costs come up. End of story. I have to go fucking whore myself in the gutter every night.

And she asks me why her mother tells her she's selfish.

She is. She has been. For the last year, she hasn't been there for me at all, and in the last few weeks has said some really discouraging things when I just simply ask her not to, and she won't let it go, and... going with her would've been really stressful, and, MAN did I want to go, but.

I feel better now.

I feel so much better.

I can fucking breathe.

I took the situation into my own hands, lesson learned, again, again, but... I made the right decision. And I feel better about it. I can relax during my summer. I can work on my music. And I can go swimming. And I can get myself a desk. And I can write. And I can read. And I can breathe.

Just straight whining here.

the sun in this town is one of the gnarlier things i've ever experienced. i just went running and it was like, my shadow was like 6" long everywhere, no relief, beating down on me like an abusive husband. but i did it. short one though. 3 miles and a mile cooldown. it was miserable.

elena called me. last night i did it and went to the beach, and i couldnt even relax because she called me when i was walking around the water and started moaning about some irrelevant shit the entire time and i soothed her and explained it all and broke it down and then she decided to say the thing that i have a million times asked her NOT to say because i DONT need to hear it and its just discouraging and not helping me in any way to just keep repeating and she just kept turning it around on me and i was so agitated by the time i left....

and she just called me now and is still on it, and i'm like, Dude.

i don't even tell her anything anymore and... well i know it comes in waves...

Also. like. she is constantly saying like, our situations arent the same, but theyre equivalent, like, the emotional stuff she has to deal with when she asks her mom for money is just as bad...?! as worrying one will have nae a roof over their heads? and being totally alone? um, no. besides. she wouldnt have to deal with any emotional shit from her mom if she didnt act like a total brat with her i mean the things she tells me!!! like, my mom said this and this and this to me, is it true, why did she say that, and im like, because elena. you acted like a total brat. you are 35 years old. and in your mothers house and stop causing drama and show some respect and... but i said it all funny and soft and made her laugh and then she says just straight brutal things to me sometimes and THEN she starts crying ohhh you always make me feel so much better and its like i can never say anything to make you feel better and dadadada..

ok. ok. ok. whining over.

F.

Heartraced again, bank account viewage... Like, I HAVE to work tonight, I mean, I won't be able to tomorrow or the day after, but I have for the last 3 nights except for that stupid wedding night, and all I've been doing is working and panicking, and I feel like I should do something nice for myself, but, I mean, it's like I slacked off forever but now I'm just machinegunned and I'll burn out even worse so. Ohgod. My heart is RACED to Allah right now. If I just go to work I won't be heartraced, just super burnt out, if I drive out to the beach, well, I dunno if I'll even be able to relax, oh man oh manny oh manny.

Burnout

Well, I'm done. DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Done with the semester. I completed it, as impractically and ineffectively as possible. But it's done. It's done, and I don't have to worry about homework and papers and getting up in the morning ever again, for a while.

I must admit it feels good to be done. I went to work last night too. And got up at 9 45 today-- the exam was at 9-- and my prof was so sweet and was just like, here, catch your breath, are you ok? And I told him after I handed it in that I'm going to Moscow and he told me all kinds of places to go.

I have a little time now. I can relax now. I've paid everything up and finished school. I'm filming this week. J called me. I'm not gonna talk about him anymore. I can see Cam, I can play piano, I can maybe see my Armenian boyfriend. I can work every night without having to get up and knowing I should be studying....

Oh man, I was just on the phone with Elena, and started stressing a little, she's talking about men all cynical, I told her I stopped seeing J, she's like, talking about how bad that was for me, I called her yesterday crying just about how stressed out I was about the money, and she was like this is good, you're finally learning, that music and writing are just not practical things, and I was like, but this is hell, and she was like, but that's life, and she was like, trust me, I've been there-- she has not been there, she doesn't even know what I do, and she'd be judgmental about it-- and she has really bad relationships all the time and she's like 15 years older than me and I'm thinking no, I am NOT you.... anyway. I just got done with all this shit and I don't want to be on the phone. I want to maybe just drive to the beach and sit there alone. Yes. That's what I want to do. It'll be such a long drive, but...

Jo was totally MIA today, didn't go to the exam, and isn't answering the phone... She had a lot to make up, it seemed kinda impossible, but it's a shame...

maybe I should figure out some other employment.

it's so bad in here, so dead, no money, girls beinf mean, and depressing as all get-out

Spread Thin, Stoked, Stormy

I know I haven't been writing as much, and reading as much, of your blogs, I just, I haven't had time, and, I've been writing letters to people... and writing a lot of music, and recording, and I can't sleep so I'm never awake, and I drink like a fish at work and I'm gonna cry even though I'm stoked... I have a showcase for a record label just last minute on Wednesday and I have to learn all my shit down and like I don't have time, I also had to finish my column for the paper today when it was due on Sunday. And school is starting, and working, school's starting in a week, and on the same day, my ex fiance is coming HERE. I haven't seen him in more than year. He didn't wanna move here. He used to be a rockstar, but I dunno blew it off, cuz he's, like that... but he's the funniest, most magical sexbomb person and I can't, I haven't even thought about what happened... But I sent him my tracks and he said it was good. And don't add anything to it, like drums or bass or whatever, it'll just mess it up. And he's right. And he gave me advice. And he's letting me cover a couple of his songs. His songs. Are genius. He has the sexiest, toughest, most beautiful voice in the world. And God I love him, but, he was, ugh... I don't want to think about it. It's too much right now. But I'm not gonna revert to how I was with when I was with him... all the growth, I'm not gonna regress, so I'm not gonna start telling him I love him and stuff because that's not fair and I need to just hold it back and be mature about it.

I see Julian tomorrow. I'm gonna tell him thank you. He deserves it.