Thursday, May 27, 2010

don't read- just old jotting

I'm wretchedly lonely and it's all my doing, I know how to change it, I'm blessed and fortunate, all my suffering is self-inflicted, yadiya-da.

I could write about more interesting things too like this THING I'm doing or this stuff I got or these thoughts I have but I wanna write about Julian Darcy and I will. And I don't wanna talk about him with anyone anymore, so this is my platform. I DON'T wanna hear that this is getting crazy, going on like this, I'm stupid, I'll just get hurt, or I'm imagining things, or I'm being diddled around.

My life, my highway, my exits, if I'm sacrificing love, human connection, affirmation, affection, friendship, society, recognition, support, physical contact, and twelve kinds of everything for the right to do what I want without constant criticism, then I will at least exercise that right. And own the shit.

At some point a couple weeks back I changed my bio on Facebook to "My blowoff list is getting really long."

And then on electricsupersex day Julian started bringing up Facebook out of the blue; we've never talked about it, and he kept saying stuff about it, and then I didn't realize it 'til later and then I wrote him an e-mail making all these jokes about it like all "Hmmm, you were talking about Facebook maybe you can help me out here, cuz I thought it was private but I guess it isn't, hmm? ;-)"

And then last week he goes, How's your blow-off list doing?

And then on Tuesday we were talking, after that truth-or-dare session where he referred me to the doctor. So we were talking, and then a little pause and then he looks at me and goes, So, have you made plans to call A-----?

And I just kinda smirked. And then he did too. And then I went, Hah, ah, not yet... And he goes, Right, it's one of those things, where, do you call when everything's calm and under control, to be prepared for an emergency or, do you wait until you're in the middle of a crisis? ...I'd opt for the latter.

And I laughed.

And when I was leaving I was putting my shoes on very slowly. And he was standing trying not to watch or to pretend not to watch or to pretend to pretend not to watch (because we're on High Convolution) and I said, I realized I have the same shoe size as Emmy... It's great...

And he said, So you can trade... for big events?

Badam ching.

He'd told me about this movie Chungking Express, ages ago. I finally watched it and it was just gorgeous. And mostly about this couple... that obsess about each other, but don't really get together, but sort of always just miss each other (which is ALSO what that book, well the author I met who I asked to change the ending... well that's about that too)... So we were talking about it and he was saying,

"When I saw it, the quality was really bad, like the audio and everything, but I stayed with it, because the MOVIE was so good. I just I knew you'd like it. You know, like, if they're doing that over there too... All these lonely people, obsessing... (laugh) She would go and clean his house right?... But they never went out... Like she only wanted to love him from afar....."

And I said, "Well, until the END..."

And he said, "Right, until the end."


I'd sent him a conversation I had with someone, just something I thought was funny, I just copied and pasted this AIM conversation, cuz it was something I'd complained about people doing. And now he asks me about the person every time, cuz he thought it was really funny too. So he asks me, "How's Alex?" And I say like, "SAME." And I say, "I can only imagine what it's like for you here, I mean when people just keep, like, just sit here like, 'My house keeps burning down, I don't know what to do, it just keeps burning down on me..." And he was laughing.

These were some awesome times I made him laugh even though he didn't want to:

When I told him my psych class was in the bowling alley.

A couple other things I told him about that class. He acts like he doesn't want to encourage my
whining about it but I keep making fun of it until he cracks.

Way long time ago when he was saying something about "I don't want you to start restraining yourself" and I said "I HAVE to restrain myself," like stone-cold serious.

When I told him about the dancer who said "Everybody in here done fucked up somewhere along the way."

When I was talking about Alex and her car down in Miami and finally was just like "cuz she's- cuz she's Fucked Up."

When I talked about splurging on clothes and how I didn't feel bad about it because there's no reason I should be in "shoes that make me wanna die." ....Because see, he has this thing about shoes too. He hates uncomfortable shoes, it was almost the reason he became a psychologist instead of a lawyer. And I used to complain about shoes all the time. Back in the day when I'd come in and give him a full standup/sitdown routine.


He looked really so pretty on Tuesday, not like how you'd think the father of a newborn would look at all. He looked like he slept 10 hours on a bed of clouds. I said, "You don't look terribly tired..." And he paused for a while and said he had a lot of coffee.


That Friday two weeks ago that he made me blow up and lose it and do drugs and jumpstart my brain over the whole weekend, when I said, Julian, you are flirting with me and he said........... And I said, And, it's just, I mean, unless I'm completely- am I misreading everything? And he said, I think you're misreading me. And I said, Oh really. And he said. He looked at me and he said, see now I don't know what to do when you look at me like that... I mean do you want me to look away?

And I said, no.

And he said, Okay. Well I don't know how to be more clear. We have very specific boundaries. We never touch. Right?

But I wasn't listening, I was stewing....

And then I wrote him all these e-mails and then he called and was awkward and angry and I canceled the appointment and he hung up on me and then he called me again and I asked for the appointment back and he said he didn't know but if I could be on call and of course I said yes and he said thank you and then of course he couldn't make it.

So we talked about this maybe once-a-week thing... and then yesterday he said okay so we're on for Friday and then the following Friday- and he paused as he knew I was thinking WhataboutmyTuesday. and he said and if you want another appointment somewhere in between we can, I have court on Tuesday...... and I said Oh...

And then he told me all about his forensics stuff, his depositions, vividly and humorously and wittily describing the whole process, and he was just enchanting. Just enchanting. It's kind of like a debate and the other side he says is often the same person, and the council on that side is really good, because he's defending someone against a big corporation's insurance company usually, and their witnesses are these old, distinguished, huge professor somewhere-types and they're saying just patently false things... and he said, "I don't have issue going up against someone with more credentials than me when I'm just telling the truth..."

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