Sunday, April 11, 2010

Well I earned it.

I was so tired of running around. Is that what you're supposed to do, is that what normal people do, go from one thing to another, finish a work shift or a long run and head right over to drown in a group of people, and drink and drink and drink?

I feel much better now, much better after spending last night in, watching weird movies and leaving the lights off. I feel much better after getting up at 3 pm today and spending 5 hours cleaning my house, and writing a letter, and playing the piano. Then this photographer came over to test shoot me for some catalog thing, and it was fine, and I got paid, and he was very nice and earnest and liked my music and offered more, offered more, as Julian said "and you'll sit there nodding your head to the psychic noise and the floating promises..."

I don't think I'd ever heard him quite as poetic as he was on Friday. We nearly got into an argument. He said my intelligence was overshadowed by my beauty. He said "you're cringing... but... I think you know it's true..." He said, "I think you know better than this, I mean come on, you're going into a situation, it's a cliche, you're smart enough to-- you can limit yourself to one drink and watch everyone else get drunk and if these men are trying to USE you, you can USE them too, if they're offering these--"

And I cut him off and I said, "I know you find mean women more attractive Julian. But it's just not in my nature. I can't be like that."

"No, I don't think you should be like that, I was just saying, all of these men are attracted to you, they might be--"

"But I don't even want them, like that."

"But you're GETTING with them. Like THAT."

I glared at him. "It's not like it's been, 10 million people here..."

"Okay, I'm not, okay, I'm going to be critical here. Can I speculate?"


"I think that just saying, well, I didn't plan for it to happen, I think it's a cop-out, I think you've gotten past that, with the drinking, and with Stefan, I think you see all these things before they happen and for some reason you're ignoring that knowledge and... I don't know why... Does that sound right?"

"Yes. You are right. I don't know why either. Maybe I just don't care."

And he nodded when I said I don't care.

"Can I say one more thing, and then I'll let you have the last word, because we're way over time?"

I nodded.

"I just think you're selling yourself short."

"It's hard not to drink at these awful parties."

"Oh, I'm sure, I know, it's hideous, all that psychic noise, and the floating promises... Sick puppies."

I laughed. "They're demons, everywhere, they see your light, and they just want to take it and put it in a little box and make some money off of it, and I don't want to lose my light..."

"I don't think you're... in danger of becoming dark, like that."

"I can't play this game." I said. He was looking at the floor. "What?" I said, "What else?"

"Nothing, I'm just sympathi3ing, I guess. I'm sorry you're in so much pain over this."

"So, these ama3ing clients you have, that swim through it all painlessly and succeed, what is it that they have, Julian?"

"They don't, I don't know, you know Scarlet, a lot of people have a lot LESS than you. I don't know how to swim through it, I don't have those answers--"

"I wasn't asking you for The Answer."

"I know you weren't. Well. Okay. I guess it's something to think about for Tuesday." He got up. "Here, if you can fill that out.." He handed me the clipboard again, of the inventory thing for the insurance companies. I'd forgotten to fill out the back. "Sorry..." he said. "I'll see you Tuesday, ok?"

"Yes, okay." I went into his lobby and filled out the thing as slowly as I could. And I have to say, I love him, as much as I ever have.

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