Tuesday, February 23, 2010

And THIS is what I let Julian know:

Short one here!
Just, about tomorrow- I know you were in an awkward spot trying to be sensitive to my feelings and yet needing to say what you have to say and I just want you to know that it's understood. I understand why those feelings are, different, in therapy, and need to be dealt with, and I'm dealing. I'm overit. Heh. I understand why it is a fantasy, not because it's distorted or anything transferred or any of that, but just because it can never happen. So it's a fantasy... all those dreams and all that stuff, fantasy, my narrative about you in my head, that has nothing to do with you, or your life, there are 99 ways in which I know nothing about you. And I understand why you feel that might be beneficial or even essential to therapy, and I respect that and trust it. I don't need to know, I realize it's a fantasy, fantasies are nice, in fantasies people don't hog the bed, or forget to call, or call too much, or need you too much, or put you on a pedestal, or put you down, or pick arguments about nothing that are all about one thing that can never be fixed, or try to sound casual when they ask who just called, or yell at you for talking to someone or for never being there or because it costs too much, or ignore you all night, or hurt you, or hurt themselves, or leave.
But. I don't let them consume me.. or interfere with my life. I don't live in a fantasy. So. I'm present, in reality. K.
Til Tuesday, 12 hours, gonna burn rubber from that school and get there no later than 12 04. 12 07. Yeah, 12 07.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you're not giving up and are still going. Even for whatever reason you go, it will benefit you!
    Where have you been on chat?