Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Okay.

Ok, fine he did say something. He said, I feel when I talk to you, we connect very well... intellectually... and I feel your brilliance and your passion, and I think you have a hungry mind, and you have talents and abilities that I don't have, and you've had to go through things I haven't and to go through things I don't, and in a way I wish you hadn't, but then if you hadn't we wouldn't be here in the first place... And that's where he stopped...

And I just nodded and eventually said just yes, that's true, and I understand and I understood. I mean what could I say after everything I wrote him? And he said, before that, that he doesn't really believe in the concept of transference any more than every relationship is transference- what I said- and he wasn't going to try to dismiss my feelings, and he was imagining himself in my position, but he prefaced this all with "Well I do think that this kind of respect and connection is something you need, and recognize, and you'll be able to find it," so that was kind of what I reacted to, and I told him I was just nervous and more so than I thought I would be and then I relaxed a little and we talked about some other stuff and he was being really funny and that's it and then he told me when we had 5 minutes left like he does now instead of Ok we have to stop, and then he stood up and copied my insurance card and then I asked him about his paintings and then he held open the door and said see you Friday and I said see you Friday and I was holding his glass so I had to turn around and knock and that was kind of really intense and...

And of course he would never say any more than that. But he did say that. It was really, exactly what I hoped to hear... no more, no less.

Like, okay. I really am in love with him. It's actually not a fantasy, or anything like that, or some craving drama or something to exaggerate and write about because honestly it's getting hard to write about, I feel like it's private and it's personal and it's just not... I don't know it's not crazy or funny anymore, it's gotten to a point where I'm like, seriously emotionally invested in him, and it's not about the excitement, because I want as little of that as possible, if, IF I ever see him in any other way than as a therapist, if he would ever consider that or consider it okay, I would want to do it right, by the book, by the APA code, in two years, or six months, or six months and two years, or whatever that means and he is IMPORTANT to me to be in my life however. So. I don't know. About writing about him anymore. I really don't.

2 comments:

  1. Don't stop writing about him. Share, please share.

    ReplyDelete